Three gender dysphoria caused nervous breakdowns putting me into psychiatric help. Coming out. Starting hormones. Changing name. Being beaten up for being trans. Life threatened. Had people arrested. I falsely had the police called out on me. Falsely tricked and lied about. Ran away from the UK to the States. Got stuck in Germany during my connecting flight because of a slight error on my Visa which cost an extra $800. 2 years RLE now as good as complete. Finding work here and processing my Visa. Then I’m off to college if I can.
I think I am now better equipped to help people having gone through it all, so there was a reason.
More to do with our condition and giving useful practical advice to other transsexuals and their families. Some have suggested that maybe I have not been in transition long enough for such a position as this, however my response to that has to be to remind them that although i may have been taking hormones for less than three years, I have in fact been a female all of my life, as well as having to deal with trans issues for just as long!
From that moment on life proved to be very mentally destructive for me because of Awful levels of Gender Dysphoria, until I had little choice but to resume transition and deal with this and other medical gender issues.
However, I found that the important questions were not being answered. Sure you could watch transition time lines or keep an eye on the development of your favourite transsexual; even learn how to plump up your bust with a push-up bra; but if you needed some serious help or answers to your questions regarding these conditions, or just some help in finding the correct medical, emotional or supportive facilities they quite simply were just not there!
Most Vloggers seemed a little self absorbed, happy with finally being free, which is okay, but being aware of how painful and scary coming out and this condition was, I wanted to help, and wanted there to be something up on there when people searched for help and answers. So I’ve focused more on these things both socially and at times radically too!
|Can you see my eyes?|
I have cleared away any facial hair and my breasts are approaching a 36D. Because of my condition I never did have very much body hair to deal with, but what I did have is now at normal female levels through HRT. The few stubborn bits I did have I have lasered off; such as a few stubborn hairs on the legs etc.
I never really had much body hair and virtually zero underarm hair but lasering my face was a real killer pain and a hell, so be prepared for that one! I documented the whole experience here on the online trans*womens magazine I produce.
Once I got to 6 and a half and after no small degree of pressure from mom and dad concerning my effeminate/gentle nature and play I finally admitted how I felt, crying out to mom; “I’m not a boy! I hate boys things and I hate my willy!” (Penis). Or words super close to this!
I was promptly taken to the doctors where mom explained her fears and relayed what had been said and how I had been acting as a child. The doctor all but told mom off or laughed at her, saying she was being silly and that I’d grow out of it. Mom said I was so gentle she thought I was an angel sent down and that she was not meant to keep me. The doctor laughed at her again I’m told and promptly told her she needed to tough me up a little and get my father and brother to give me more attention. It didn’t help and it sure didn’t work!!
Monika: In the majority of transgender girls stories, their most traumatic time is the time spent at school, college or university when they had to face lots of discrimination. Was it the same in your case?
Abby: Yes sadly, but it could have been worse! My brother was the ‘cock of the school’ which meant nobody tackled him and so they also learned pretty quick not to bother with me much either! I was picked on in reception and junior school more for playing with the girls too much and for playing with girls toys during in class play hour.
|Ready for a beach.|
I mean I was so ridiculously shy that you’d think it would be an almost impossibility that I’d ever be in a position to get beaten by the teachers. I got caned 4 times and beaten many more with tennis shoes, cricket bats and six of the best on my bottom or hands with a huge T’square! Reason? To shy! Not being involved enough and being soft!
As you can imagine all this clashed with me tremendously and I would make any excuse to not attend school, it all did little to help my Dysphoria and all during a time where I was already struggling with puberty issues too. However, thankfully, at the start of my third year of attendance the school went mixed-sex and I felt almost rescued. Not only could I now have some new girl friends, but even the teaching methods softened and physical punishment all but stopped!
I admire, am proud of and look-up too those true authentic gender nonconforming role models that not only live soberly in our world but who also live genuinely and authentically too. Who recognise that to some degree they have been given an opportunity and don’t shy away from the advantage and obligation they’ve been given. Those who take time out to make a difference for other gender nonconforming people, by educating an extremely misinformed and prejudice world away from the current destructive cliches that plague gender variant people every day. Something which not only proved to be the cause and reason for my own hiding for so many years, but did likewise to so many during past generations too.
Things are very slowly starting to change, yet resistance to these changes are increasingly high and as a result so is the danger and threat too at the moment!
Monika: What was the hardest thing about your coming out?
Yet instead of simply throwing pills at me which was their usual method (and frankly one which suited my hiding), a new doctor at the practice had decided to look into why I had such a long history of panic and depression with seemingly no answers or resolution as to why.
Unbeknownst to me whilst digging around in my past she had discovered the old medical record from when I was six years old and had been taken to the doctors by mom with gender personality issues. She turned the computer screen around to show me the record entry and asked if it was this which had been part of the cause of my troubles all these years? I broke down crying and she sat with me for well over an hour (I bet whoever had the next appointment loved me! lol). What followed was over a year of physical tests and psychological assessments! So as you can see, I was kind of brought out rather than came out.
Abby: Well, I would say that within the West and not just in Britain research into the causes of transsexuality, transgender and intersexed conditions have discovered and uncovered so much over the last decade that not only does it all serve to vindicate genuine gender sufferers but is also slowly but rightfully forcing legislation to change too.
Trans*rights and trans*visibility seem to be the burning topics of the moment and dare I say ‘at last’ too; but with that comes a period of unprecedented resistance by some also! Medical and scientific facts mean little to such people, neither sadly do equal rights for living. So although in a legislative manner things have been steadily looking up for trans*people, allowing us to be more transparent and on paper at least offering seemingly more protection; the reality is somewhat different!
Coming out of the shadows is a good thing, as light reveals who we really are and that we are not who the world thought us to be and shows we are actually no threat. We are claiming what I feel most of us deserve, which is our place within society; to simply be able to move, love and live freely without fear of danger!
Sadly though, it seems that this is a great threat to some peoples security and so is resulting in a tenfold increase in violent transgender murders and attacks! I think we are in a transitional period where we can eventually truly be free and open, but this freedom, as is usually the case will not settle down or be established seemingly without first being baptized in trans*blood! So it is a difficult time yes, but one which I hope will eventually be a wonderful time ahead too!
Abby: Yes I think so. We live in a celebrity driven age that wants sensationalism and at the moment there is no greater sensationalistic movement than the new transparency of transgender women.
The media have always loved to hate us and to viciously offer transgender women up for the slaughter by how they have presented and chosen to report on us. Historically the medias methods of presenting transsexual women to the world differs little from how in the old days evil circus owners would place freaks in glass boxes and cages to be stared at, very much like the bearded lady for instance!
The battle now is extending this reportage trend over to the ordinary transgender women within society, who are still receiving very deliberate, manipulative and destructive reportage styles from the media, which drives the hate and the danger on! It is here that change needs to come but I feel that what is happening within the attitudes of the population towards trans*celebrity will begin to trickle down and hopefully force media to change their methods and foul tactics!
Monika: Are you active in politics? Do you participate in any lobbying campaigns? Do you think transgender women can make a difference in politics?
Abby: I see no reason why transgendered women can’t or shouldn’t be involved within politics as we are a very real and legitimate part of society.
I am not involved in politics myself no although I do express some very strong views and have created some ripples. My desire is indeed the furtherance of equality for transgender people but is more directed towards helping those suffering on a more personal level. I do all I can to help at the moment, which took a setback recently with a typically lying feature wrote about me in the tabloids which I see you have a video slice of it here.
It was a total lie and misrepresentation of all I said and who i am and it sadly all but went virtually global grrrr! It caused me so much anguish as it misrepresented me hugely and almost cost me my contact with my babies. One good thing it did do however was too upset and stress me out to such a level that I lost almost 30lb in weight lol, so I look a whole lot lighter now because of it, but stress wasn’t a diet method I really had in mind nor needed after all I’d already been through. Still, skinny me!!! lol
I intend now to wait until after my surgery next year before getting too involved but do intend or desire to get trained in article and feature writing, so I can better translate and elevate true transgender issues and lives.
Monika: Do you like fashion? What kind of outfits do you usually wear? Any special fashion designs, colours or trends?
Abby: Well, I’m a girl, so I love clothes. I can’t afford labels or designers at the moment as I am approaching my surgery date etc, but that doesn’t stop me buying some beautiful clothes from cheaper shops and outlets. I love bohemian gypsy wear and always have. I adore pink and love pretty tops and long skirts and dresses etc, but usually keep that for nights out and so wear skinny tops and tight jeans or shorts most days.
I love pink glass, rope and leather bangles and also silver bracelets. I adore shoes and handbags (shocker!) and am not ashamed of frequenting goodwill and charity shops to find them as there are some lovely things there if you are willing to spend the time to look. Beggars can’t be choosers so they say!
My favorite perfume is ‘Only me’ by Yves De Sistelle and my favorite handbags are by Jimmy Choo. Favorite shoes are more modest being Morgan. I have the perfume and have the shoes and did have the bag but lost it during all my troubles back home in merry old England.
- a transgender support community.
Monika: Do you intend to get married and have a family? Could you tell me about the importance of love in your life?
OK, I would say go slowly and navigate wisely as the threat is indeed very real. Do not let it create so much fear that you do not deal with your condition though, as believe me to do so is far worse and in the end causes so much more pain! , it’s no race, while at the same time I’d warn against putting it off if you are only doing so through fear or shame!
I speak very much through experience here when I warn trans*people against ignoring or pushing clinical Gender Dysphoria or intersex conditions aside. Doing so will not and does not make them disappear! All it will do is cause untold mental anguish, serious destruction and pain for yourself and those around you!
Besides, if you have very bad Gender Dysphoria you are only prolonging the inevitable, so why go through a life of torment only to have to transition late anyway and in doing so miss out on years of being the true you? It just makes it worse for everyone doing that and causes untold bitterness with some too. It you truly are heavily transsexual and are struggling then get the help, face the anguish and be as kind and as gentle to those around you as you can. Expect to lose some family and friends and if you don’t, all the better!
I’m not proud to admit that my putting it off again and again made me very sick indeed, almost leaving me in a mental ward and causing me 2 major nervous breakdowns and one slightly lesser one too as well as hurt those i love as they saw me in such a bad mess.
Only the individual and a gender specialist can assist whether full transition is going to be the right move or not, but please, don’t put it off! Seek psychological assessment, diagnosis and help from a gender specialist. It helps and is really essential! If you feel your gender specialist is about as useful as a chocolate teapot, change her or him! Get a second opinion if you disagree, but listen if that opinion persists! There are many conditions it could be!
I live as quietly and as normally as any other women does but feel life will be so much more comfortable and confident once I have passed this final step, so at the moment I am very focused and needing to first complete this before I can truly clear my head and reach some of my other goals! Then, maybe off to college or a course in writing I hope.
I have suffered more than my share of pain and loss living with gender conditions my whole life and it’s also sadly caused others some pain too! Yet in all honesty, it has to be said that the very moment I began living ‘full time (grrr!) as me everything clicked very much into place!
|Lady in black and white.|
My reflection no longer laughs at me and my heart no longer condemns me! For so many years I had forgotten what it was like to ‘not’ feel anxiety and panic. It was there; crushing me every moment of every day, almost like a boulder placed on my chest and a tormenter mocking my not being able to get it off myself.
A seemingly eternal contradictory wrestle between true self expression, identity and presented gender. Right from being a little girl on into adulthood it increasingly worsened, feeling almost like the contradiction of a sledge hammer hitting a rose petal again and again without relent.
I am now indeed happy and increasingly whole, and incredibly far less dysphoric or depressed as I am living as I was always meant too. As I already said, I fit, and it is a peaceful feeling that will see completion and greater expression very soon and I cannot wait!
Do I have pain or regret? Much yes, as my friends would witness I pine for those left behind most days; but I believe if I had not transitioned after my last awful nervous breakdown I’d not be here today being interviewed by you Monika!