Interview with Karen Cobham

If you’ve ever wondered what it looks like when kindness meets competence, with a dash of lipstick and a pinch of sparkle, look no further than Karen Cobham. Karen is the Scottish Regional Contact for the Beaumont Society, though to call her that is like calling a diamond “just a rock.” She doesn’t just answer emails. She builds bridges between isolated lives, organizes magical weekends that bring shy souls out of the shadows, helps run the One Voice committee, supports members across Northern Ireland and Eire, and somehow still finds time to help prepare the Beaumont Magazine. I suspect she has a wand hidden in her handbag. She came into the Beaumont family in 2020 after retiring and quickly became the friend, guide, and gentle push many trans people didn’t even know they needed. Some of her closest friendships have blossomed through the Society, and she’s helped many others find their own wings, often after years of solitude. Her story is proof that when you step into yourself, others feel brave enough to do the same.

 

Karen identifies as non-binary and prefers to present en-femme, although, as she sweetly puts it, if that’s not appropriate, it’s not a big deal. There’s a lovely calm to her spirit, like someone who has known the storms and made peace with them. She speaks of being “a bit different” with the same ease one might say they take sugar in their tea. She knows who she is. And more importantly, she knows how to make others feel safe being who they are too. Karen has been with her soulmate for over 30 years, proof that love does flourish when it's rooted in honesty and nurtured with grace. And though she’s helped so many trans people blossom, she never loses her humility. You’ll find no diva here. Just a woman with wit, warmth, and more courage than she’ll ever admit to. So pour yourself a cup of something comforting, or something sparkly, and enjoy this conversation. It’s not just an interview. It’s a meeting between two women who’ve walked winding roads, swapped the map for a mirror, and found themselves, at long last, right where they were always meant to be.

 

Monika: You’re the Scottish heart of Beaumont, how did this journey begin? Was it a “where have you been all my life” moment when you joined the Society?

Karen: Firstly, may I thank you for this amazing opportunity and the awesome introduction. Crumbs, can I live up to that?! Initially, it was a “Do I really want to do this?” moment. I was hoping to get more involved with the trans community and was looking around to see what was going on locally and nationally. The Beaumont Society had been around forever (sort of, we celebrate its sixtieth anniversary next year), but it didn’t have a particularly good reputation: “It’s only for crossdressers,” “It’s only for transsexuals,” “It’s only for couples,” “It’s very boring and elitist,” etc.

At one of our tea parties.

So, my wife Carol and I chatted about it for a couple of days, and then I just took the plunge. I must say that I was immediately made to feel most welcome, but it became clear relatively quickly that, like many organisations, only a small percentage of the membership were willing, and more likely, able, to assist in running it. Well, I have this problem saying “no.” 

Just a few years later, we have a fabulous team running the Society, and we are proud of the advances we’ve made with our new website, glossy magazine, and range of outings. But most importantly, we remain committed to supporting our members, mainly in the UK, but also in many countries from North America to Hong Kong.

Monika: You’ve taken on so many roles, coordinator, event planner, magazine contributor... tell me honestly, do you sleep in high heels or just dream in spreadsheets?

Karen: I’d love to answer that by saying I dream of high heels! Actually, maybe I do, but it’s an unfortunate fact of life that, as you get older, the skirts get longer and the heels get shorter. But the reality is that I do have periods of waking up at 3 a.m. and worrying about things… or coming up with the most splendid plans (?).

Monika: You said you found yourself at a loose end after retirement, did that quiet moment feel scary, liberating, or a bit like being backstage waiting for your cue?

Karen: Twenty nineteen was, shall we say, a bit of a year. Four significant people in my life passed away, and I had to stop working due to health issues {I had been diagnosed with multiple sclerosis in 1999 but was able to carry on with life more or less normally}. Then, of course, came Covid. So 2020 definitely required changes in my life, and there’s only so much daytime television you can watch.

Monika: So many of us navigate the roles of wives, mothers, and daughters, often carrying the weight of our pasts and sometimes longing to leave it all behind. Yet, you’ve chosen to embrace your identity with such strength, becoming an advocate for transgender rights and vocal about presenting a positive image of our community in society. In the face of all this, have you ever felt the pull of staying in the shadows, of simply being seen as a woman, without the added layers of being a transgender woman?

Karen: Gosh, that’s a difficult one to answer without sounding too pedantic. How do I put this?! I don’t want to be seen as a woman because I’m not. But I certainly don’t regard myself as a man either! I am what is disappointingly called “non-binary,” disappointing because I don’t like being a negative! I wish that there was a positive word for it. Possibly third sex; in which case I’d like to be recognised and accepted as that. So, it’s complicated! But to answer the real point of your question, there are many times that I’d love to disappear into the background but, alas, I seem to be a control freak (but a nice one) and need to be involved in running things.

Monika: Choosing a name is such a deeply personal decision, one that can hold layers of significance and meaning. How did you come to choose the name Karen? Does it carry a special resonance for you, perhaps representing a part of your journey or embodying a particular feeling or aspiration?

Karen: Maybe aspiration! My first serious girlfriend decided that my name should be “Clare”; very gentle and feminine. But the relationship eventually ended, and coincidentally I started going out with a girl of that name. She changed my name to Gill, which again turned out to be inconvenient as life progressed. So, girlfriendless and nameless, it was necessary to decide for myself! I had for some time a relationship with a girl called Karen, not quite platonic but not really much more than that. She was quite stunning with a mane of pink and blue hair, an incredible wardrobe and, hey, was a lovely person too. So yes, in many ways someone to aspire to. If only she knew….!

Probably my earliest photo taken
before my first outing in 1997.

Monika: How does it feel helping others blossom, especially those “girls who’d never been outside their homes”? Do you ever stop and think, “Look at her now… and I got to be part of that”?

Karen: Oh yes! Carol and I have held regular afternoon teas for girls, many of whom have never been out or don’t get much opportunity to do so. One lady in particular springs to mind. She hadn’t crossed her doorstep before coming here but is now fully “out,” even to her workplace. Obviously, most of it is down to her courage and determination, but I’d like to think that we played a small part at least.

Monika: You’ve described yourself as non-binary but with a fondness for presenting en-femme, how has your relationship with femininity evolved over the years?

Karen: Unlike many other people on the so-called “trans spectrum,” I've never had any problem with who or what I am. I’ve never suffered from gender dysphoria or had a clearout of my femme clothing, etc. I’ve been content to adapt to situations as required, so a suit to the office, glammy when out with my friends. It has always been that way, so maybe my relationship with femininity hasn’t had to evolve any more than it would with any cis woman as she ages. But I might add to the earlier part of my answer that, while I have always been, shall we say, considerate about how I present in certain public arenas, it was never going to be the case that I could live with a partner who didn’t know and accept me from the beginning. Ha, all of these girlfriends who were being secretly vetted!

Monika: What were your earliest signs that you were “a bit different,” as you so beautifully put it? Was there a dress you couldn’t stop thinking about, or maybe a lipstick that changed everything?

Karen: It was far earlier than any of that. Possibly my earliest memory is of shock, surprise, and devastation when my mother told me that I couldn’t be a ballerina because I wasn’t a girl. Never quite got over that one! Anyway, for several years I refused to wear trousers, and my mother had to get special permission for me to go to school in a kilt. I also remember looking at her clothing catalogues and deciding what I was going to wear when I was older and which of the model’s hairstyles I would have. It never occurred to me that there was anything unusual about that or that there was any reason it shouldn’t become a reality.

Monika: You and your soulmate have been together for 30 years, that’s an epic love story in any book. What was it like opening up about your gender identity in the early days of your relationship?

Karen: Unusually, I opened up about my gender identity before our relationship began; a case of “because of” rather than “in spite of.” Carol was among a group of, shall we say, acquaintances, who met up in a pub one evening. Music from “The Rocky Horror Show” started to play, and we began chatting about our mutual love of the film. One of the group mentioned that she liked a red basque, and Carol remarked that it depended who was wearing it; at that, my ears pricked up! Eventually, as the evening progressed—and nothing to do with the amount of alcohol consumed—I decided that I was just going to go for it! “What would you say if I told you that I’m a transvestite?” Ok, not quite accurate in terms of my position but appropriate for the circumstances that evening. Anyway, we made arrangements for our first date, but it was a further three weeks before she met Karen for the first time. The rest is beautiful, glorious history.

Monika: How would you describe your personal style? Do you follow any specific fashion trends, or do you have go-to outfits that make you feel confident?

Karen: I have two wigs: my short “disappear in the crowd” wig and my long “party” wig. Strangely, people seem to prefer me in the latter! Certainly, I can think of items in my wardrobe(s) that I've probably never worn and other things that make Carol sigh every time she sees them. So, a mixture of current fashion, if I like it, and old favourites. I love Quiz and Roman. Of course, Carol and I borrow each other's clothes.

With the First Minister of Scotland.

Monika: Do you love playing around with makeup, or is it more of a “throw on the basics and go” kind of vibe for you?

Karen: Alas, there so rarely seems to be time to play with make-up, but I had my make-up done professionally for the very first time at the Beaumont Society York event last weekend, and it has really inspired me to spend more time experimenting. But why is it that every time you find a product that you really like, they discontinue it????

Monika: By the way, do you like being complimented on your looks? Do you find it easy to accept compliments, or do you struggle with believing them?

Karen: Yes, yes, no. Well, what did you expect me to say? I must confess to having entered a beauty contest many years ago in which I came third, but now I look in the mirror and…..!

Monika: You’re based in Scotland and support folks in Northern Ireland and Eire too, how do the landscapes of these places shape the transgender experience? Are there unique joys or hurdles?

Karen: Certainly, the laws in Eire are much better for trans people than they are in the UK, and I’m unaware of this resulting in any negative issues. As regards Scotland and Northern Ireland, my experience is that most people just want to live and let live. Inevitably, there are exceptions, but when isn’t there?

Monika: The Scottish Parliament has seen its fair share of debate around gender recognition reform. Do you feel the winds of change are blowing, or is it more like we’re stuck in a Highlands fog?

Karen: The winds of change are blowing, at least as far as the law is concerned, but unfortunately the direction has changed. Recently, the Supreme Court redefined the definition of “sex” to be based on what it erroneously called “biological sex,” thus changing the way that the law has been interpreted and practiced for many years. The situation could be easily resolved by amending legislation, but none of the major parties, including the Scottish Government, want to do that. The problem is the international move to the right and politicians' reluctance to do what is just and proper. Meanwhile, many trans people live in fear and even consider suicide or emigration. Having painted such a bleak picture, I would again say that I believe that the overwhelming majority of the population are sympathetic to the trans population.

Monika: Let’s talk community. What does sisterhood mean to you? And how do you build it in rooms full of brave, shy, sparkly, and soulful humans?

Karen: Tolerance, respect, and acceptance are probably the biggies. You have to remember that we’re dealing with a wide spectrum of people, from those who have completed transition to those who only have an occasional wish to crossdress. It’s important to accept people the way they wish to present and not to ask inappropriate questions. Any form of elitism is unacceptable but, frankly, I’ve never come across any. If we can’t treat each other in the way we want to be treated, what hope is there? What hope do we deserve?

Monika: What would you say to someone in the middle of nowhere, maybe a croft in Skye, who thinks they’re the only trans person in their postcode?

Karen: That’s obviously a difficult one, and I really feel for someone in that position, particularly if they are never able to travel. These days, there is much more opportunity to interact through the numerous groups on the internet, some of which I help run, and, indeed, The Beaumont Society itself, which has a very active chatroom on its website as well as regular social Zoom calls in which you don’t even need to have your camera turned on.

Monika: You help run events and weekends for the Beaumont Society. What happens at these magical gatherings? And is there dancing? Please say there’s dancing.

Karen: Let me see; how about I tell you about the weekend I organised in York at the end of May. We more or less took over a fabulous four-star boutique hotel near the city centre. The event wasn’t due to start till Friday evening, but we arrived on Thursday to make sure that everything was in place. So lots of the other girls, some with partners, came early too and we all went out for dinner. Friday saw the remaining guests arrive while the advance guard went out to see the sights. Again, we all went out to dinner that evening.

On Saturday some of the girls went to York Races, some went sightseeing, while others stayed in the hotel where we had organised a professional make-up artist to take appointments. In the evening, a wonderful formal dinner with lots and lots of raffle prizes. Afterwards, a disco, although this was rather taken over by use of the karaoke system. The hotel staff and some of the other guests joined in till about 3 a.m.! Again sightseeing on Sunday, ending with everyone going on a Ghost Bus Tour and fish and chips. The members who attended were the full range of ladies, from those who had transitioned to girls who had never been out before, couples and singles. According to the staff, it was the best function that they had ever held. A huge success!!!

Monika: The One Voice committee sounds like a dream team. What’s your favourite thing about working behind the scenes of trans support networks?

Karen: I hope this doesn't sound too creepy, but it’s so lovely to be able to see somebody nervously join one group then blossom into a significant figure in others.

Singing ZZ Top's greatest
hits at York last weekend.

Monika: What’s been your most surprising “aha” moment since joining Beaumont? Something that made you go, “Oh wow, I needed this more than I realised.”

Karen: Not actually a moment as such, but one way or another the Beaumont has significantly changed my life. Now most of my friends are trans, and much of my time is taken up with related matters. Doubtlessly a moment to thank Carol for her incredible patience and understanding, which I know I stretch to and beyond the limit.

Monika: Do you remember your first time going out dressed in public? The nerves, the thrill? What did you wear, and did anyone compliment your shoes?

Karen: Hahaha, not sure if you’ll want to print this! The first time I went out in public was with Carol to The Rubber Ball in London on 3rd November 1997 (I still have the program). I was wearing a latex skating dress, gloves, and thigh boots! It was the most amazing evening, possibly made even better by the fact that I might still have been young and pretty enough to “pass” much of the time.

Seriously though, I’ve always believed that fetish events are among the safest places to be; the rules of conduct are strictly enforced, and everyone is exhibiting their most private and personal selves. My first appearance on the High Street was at one of the famous Harrogate weekends: jeans and a white patterned top on this occasion. I know that the presence of many other trans girls around the town at the time made the whole thing a little less daunting.

Monika: Let’s talk Scottish trans pride. Do you think we’re starting to claim more space, at ceilidhs, Pride parades, and yes, even the Co-op? 

Karen: In spite of some current events, or probably because of them, there are some very strong pro-trans statements at the moment, whether from the Co-op or during Pride events where the LGB groups have often emphasised their support. I understand that even Barclays are backtracking on their initial anti-trans moves made following the judgment.

Monika: Being visibly trans in public still takes courage. What gives you the strength to show up as yourself, again and again?

Karen: Partly the fact that I’m at peace with who I am, and partly the realisation that, subject to taking care as to where you go and when, very, very few people actually care. Maybe I’m just fortunate that I’ve never encountered (noticed?) any hostility.

Monika: You’ve spent decades being true to yourself, building community, and helping others blossom. When you look in the mirror, what are you proudest of?

Karen: This may sound crass, but I do think that I’ve given some people the confidence and opportunity to help bring themselves happiness.

Monika: Finally, if we could have a girls’ night in, just you, me, and a bottle of something bubbly, what wisdom would you want to leave with me before the last glass is poured?

Karen: I suspect that you will have many more wise words to pass on to me, but I imagine that it’s the importance of knowing who you are, liking yourself, accepting yourself, and, above all, knowing that you can’t be genuinely happy pretending otherwise. Either that, or never go gardening while wearing false nails!

Monika: Karen, thank you so much for sharing your story, your insights, and your warmth with me today.

All the photos: courtesy of Karen Cobham.

© 2025 - Monika Kowalska