Interview with Paula Griffin

Paula Griffin is a radiant spirit whose journey embodies resilience, transformation, and unapologetic authenticity. For years, Paula lived between two worlds, Paul, a devoted football fan and workaholic, and Paula, a vibrant trans woman embracing her true self through nights of clubbing and fearless exploration. Yet beneath this dual life lay a deep fear of acceptance, both from others and from herself. A life-changing cancer diagnosis became the catalyst that shattered denial and gave Paula the courage to finally step into her womanhood. Faced with loss and the fragility of life, her beloved sister Kerry passing away amid Paula’s own fight, she chose renewal over despair. With strength forged in hardship, she quit old habits, embraced her identity, and found confidence that allowed her to stand taller than ever before.

 

Paula’s journey is marked by courage beyond personal transformation. She has broken barriers on the football field, competing with fierce passion while confronting the harsh realities of misogyny and transphobia. Yet her spirit remains unbowed. Through documentaries, modeling, and advocacy, Paula shares her story with grace and fierce determination, reminding us all that femininity is not defined by others, but by the love we carry for ourselves and the lives we choose to live. From trekking the Andes to embracing a new community of sisters, Paula continues to inspire with her warmth, humor, and unwavering commitment to authenticity. She is a beacon of hope and pride, a woman who, against all odds, refuses to disappear and instead shines brighter every day.

 

Monika: Hello Paula! Thank you for accepting my invitation.

Paula: It’s an absolute pleasure. I’m feeling really humbled to be included among so many icons of our community.

Monika: Can you recall the moment you first noticed blood in your urine? What went through your mind?

Paula: It was a strange feeling. I had been in total denial for so long. I tried many ways to deal with it, thinking it might have been an ulcer, but the thought of cancer never really crossed my mind.

 

"I’d lived a pretty hedonistic life for many years."

 

Monika: Then came those tormenting moments while you waited for a diagnosis. Did you try to block out any thoughts of worst-case scenarios?

Paula: I was already in hospital by the time the diagnosis was made. I’d been admitted to the Intensive Care Unit after a urine sample showed more blood than anything else. I was so stoned on medication there that I was hallucinating, imagining, among other things, that nurses were worshipping a pagan god in the corner of the ward. The diagnosis hit hard, but I was so out of it I never thought I’d lose my life.

Monika: Then came the surgery, and while you were in the operating room, your older sister Kerry, who was undergoing chemotherapy for colorectal cancer, passed away. Were you able to process what was happening, or did panic take over?

Paula: That news almost broke me. The guilt really took over. My lifestyle had been responsible for my disease, but Kerry’s had come out of the blue. The doctors had caught mine in time; hers had spread. She had a husband and four children, I had no dependents. Why her and not me? Those thoughts still come back to haunt me.

Monika: That moment pushed you to cut out everything that had brought you to the edge, you ditched the cigarettes and quit the heavy drinking. It sounds like a total lifestyle transformation. Had things been pretty wild before that?

Paula: Pretty much so. I’d lived a pretty hedonistic life for many years, two lives, if I’m being honest. Paul, laddish football fan and workaholic. Paula, trans woman, clubbing and indulging in random one-night stands. Cigarettes, alcohol, and sex when the lights went down.

Monika: You also unlocked something deeply personal, an urge you’d spent years trying to silence. For so long, you fought against the woman inside you, but cancer changed everything. In that moment, the fear of judgment faded, and Paula came to life. What had kept her hidden for so long?

Paula: Quite simply, fear. Fear of losing family and friends. There had been opportunities to make the breakout, but I ran away from them and hid in drink. I think I waited for someone to say the right words, but that opportunity never came. Or maybe it did, and I finally took it. Waiting for my operation, I was given a leaflet describing my anticipated surgery. It was entitled “Cystectomy for a Woman.”

Monika: Your transition seems to have unlocked other skills and dreams you had within you. Is it true that you even crossed the Andes on foot to reach Machu Picchu?

Paula: A friend remarked in the early days of my transition that “You look taller, but you’re not taller, you just stand taller.” He was right. Transitioning gave me a confidence in myself that had been steadily eroded since my childhood years. I’ve learned that there’s a fear switch in our lives that stops us from achieving so much. Being myself has turned that switch to “off.”

Machu Picchu was amazing. It was my first big trip on my corrected “F” passport, and I found Peru so welcoming and accepting. So many affirming moments, from the women I met in our tour group to arriving in Cusco with rainbow flags everywhere. (It’s the flag of the Inca nation, by the way.) But far ahead of that was leaving a local village with the words “You’re all our sisters now” ringing in our ears.

 

"Transitioning gave me a confidence
in myself."

 

Monika: In addition, you took part in two documentaries. Could you tell us a little about each and what they meant to you?

Paula: The first of these focused on the football club I’d been involved with for many years. Well-known former English international footballer Peter Crouch arrived to supposedly transform the club, and though the documentary was far from perfect, it did give the opportunity to showcase the first-ever game between a team of cisgender women and a team of transgender women.

The second was again with Crouch, though focused on his career. What was so important to me was that I featured as myself, and being trans was never mentioned. It’s something that’s continued in some of the “talent” work I’ve featured in, adverts, etc., where I’m Paula the footballer, not Paula the trans woman.

Monika: Transitioning is not just a personal journey; it also reshapes our relationships, especially with those who support us. Have you noticed a shift in how people treat you since your transition?

Paula: Family haven’t really treated me very differently. As my middle sister, Kathy, so subtly told me on coming out, “We weren’t sure if you were gay or wanted to be a woman. We used to call you Pauline as a child.” Friends are the same, though since I started playing women’s football I’ve discovered a whole new community and made incredible friends. 

Sadly though, I’ve also discovered how cis men behave towards women. I’ve been attacked online for playing the sport I love. I’ve seen misogyny close up when I’ve been on the football field and men’s attitude to women playing the game, Neanderthal views, homophobia laced with objectification. One of the weirdest feelings, affirmation linked with disgust, is to sit on the train in football kit and realize the man opposite is staring at one’s legs.

Monika: During your transition, did you have any transgender role models who inspired you or helped guide your journey?

Paula: My first real role model was Caroline Cossey. At school was when I first began to struggle with my gender dysphoria. Finding her book in my local bookstore was a real revelation, but also a bit of a back step as I thought I’d never be that glamorous. During lockdown, I found Sammy Walker on Twitter, the days before that place became a toxic swamp. She helped me realize that being my authentic self should not keep me from doing the things I love. 

Monika: The journey to being our true selves often comes with a heavy price, losing friends, family, and sometimes even our jobs. What was the hardest part of coming out for you, and how did you navigate it?

Paula: The hardest part was telling my family, my two surviving sisters, Kathy and Carol, and my father. I spent ages in tears trying to find the right words, so I ended up writing a letter, emailed it, and waited. Kathy immediately came back, “It’s not the cancer back again?” After I told her, “No,” she read and, well, the response was zero surprise! After that everything became easy. I came out on social media, then did a television interview about the Peter Crouch as Paula. I simply wasn’t scared anymore.

Monika: Do you remember the first time you saw a trans woman on TV or met one in real life that helped you realize, “That’s me!”?

Paula: Though not strictly a trans woman, I remember seeing the film The Triple Echo as a youngster, which centred on an army deserter being hidden as a woman farmer’s sister. Drag featured a lot on television in my youth but this was something different. Someone being ordinary and trans. About 30 years ago, my late mother introduced me to her friend, a trans woman, who told me all about Charing Cross Hospital and Dr. Russell Reid. I missed that opportunity due to my internalized fear. 

"It’s a time of great uncertainty."

 Monika: Many of us feel the pressure to “pass” as women, and even after surgeries, society keeps judging us. How do you personally deal with the outside world’s expectations?

Paula: My attitude is (apologies for the expletives) “Fuck them.” I’m never 100% sure if I pass or not, but the positive moments of acceptance IRL far outweigh the abuse that has been thrown my way by the sad battalion of keyboard warriors. I’ve even had weird experiences where a male might abuse me in the open, then suddenly slide into my DMs with lewd suggestions.

Monika: The recent ruling by the highest court on the legal definition of a woman sent shockwaves through the transgender community, not just in the UK, but globally. It made me wonder: if I visit the UK, am I legally allowed to use the ladies’ restroom, or would I be expected to use the gents? What are your thoughts on the current situation for transgender women in your country?

Paula: The whole thing about this Supreme Court judgment is that it was never about toilets and sport, but it’s been leapt on by our so-called “Equalities & Human Rights Commission” to strip away basic rights from individuals. Even post this decision, I’ve carried on as before. I’ve used the same toilets as before, if a little more nervously. I continue to play the sport I love with the friends I love, although I know I’ll not be able to play for one team when our league restarts in September.

It’s a time of great uncertainty. I know trans women are being denied medication. Even those of us with Gender Recognition Certificates are unsure of where we stand. One law says we are women. This judgment claims another law says something different. One thing is for sure: we are not going to be legislated out of existence.  

Monika: I remember the time right after my transition, it was pure euphoria. My closet is still full of dresses and shoes that I literally bought by the dozens back then, and I must have tried on hundreds. I felt like I had to make up for all those years that were taken from me. Did you feel the same way?

Paula: Well, yes and no. If I had taken the opportunity to transition earlier in life, things would definitely have been different. But would I have met the people I know now? Would I be doing the things I’m doing? Would I be the person I am? As far as my transition is concerned, I can’t change my past, but I sure as hell can change my future.

Monika: How would you describe your personal style? Do you follow any specific fashion trends, or do you have go-to outfits that make you feel confident?

Paula: I’m very much a jeans or denim skirt and knee-high boots sort of woman, though you’re more likely to find me in sports kit than anything stereotypically feminine nowadays! I try to mimic Princess Diana’s 1980s sporty look when I can. Because of my cancer surgery, I can’t wear the sort of figure-hugging dresses I loved in my youth. 

Monika: Do you love playing around with makeup, or is it more of a “throw on the basics and go” kind of vibe for you?

Paula: Since I had my FFS two years ago, I’ve become more confident with how I look. Being a child of the 1980s, I grew up with the “More is More” attitude to makeup. However, now I’m more than confident with just eyeliner, eyeshadow, and mascara, things that emphasise my eyes. 

Monika: By the way, do you like being complimented on your looks? Do you find it easy to accept compliments, or do you struggle with believing them?

Paula: I’m a total sucker for compliments. I’m never going to be the glamorous woman I once tried to be, but given the person I was pre-transition, old before their time and digging an early grave for herself, I’m more than happy to get those compliments. I started a course of microneedling, which gave my face new life, with my dermatologist showing me off to all her customers. That literally took 20 years off me. FFS in 2023 squashed most of the lingering feelings of facial dysphoria. It’s quite fun when the transphobic trolls accuse me of using filters and AI, even when I’m posting sporting pictures!

 

"I’m a total sucker for compliments."

 

Monika: You also stepped into the world of modeling. How did it make you feel to see yourself in that role?

Paula: Something I never expected. At first, I thought this would be a one-off, but it grew. I’ve been utterly stunned seeing myself in various publications and once even in the National Football Museum.

Monika: Did you ever feel pressure to meet a certain ideal of femininity, like I did by trying to look like the women around me?

Paula: In my youth, I definitely did, but finding a community in Women’s/Non-Binary football showed me that women are more than our clothes, more than our outward appearance. I’m reminded of this every time I hear that transphobic gotcha, “What is a woman?” as they try to narrow the definition down to our physical parts.

Monika: When I came out at work, my male co-workers suddenly started treating me as if my transition had lowered my IQ. Did you experience a similar shift in how people perceived your intelligence or competence?

Paula: Thankfully, when I came out I’d changed jobs. I’d previously worked in marketing for a recruitment agency, an industry reeking of toxic masculinity. However, after being made redundant the day before my 50th birthday, I found a job with an LGBTQI+ friendly company, so that never came into the equation.

Monika: What was the most surprising part of your transition, something you never expected, whether good or bad?

Paula: How everything seemed to fall into place once we started to come out of the pandemic. Exactly 1,000 days after my initial referral to the Gender Identity Clinic, I received news that my application had been received. No news of any first appointment, but a friend pointed me towards TransPlus, one of the NHS pilot schemes. A first appointment soon followed, and within two years I’d achieved everything I needed to do. Though I did feel guilty that others referred before me were waiting then and still are today.

Monika: Many trans women are writing their memoirs these days. Have you ever thought about writing your own book, and if so, what would its central message be?

Paula: I’d never really thought about that until my recent Outsports interview with Kayleigh when she suggested my life might make a decent movie script! I think it might end up rather like Marcel Proust’s À la recherche du temps perdu, a string of remembered moments in my life. My message to anyone reading it should hopefully be, “Being yourself should never mean giving up doing the things you love.”

Monika: Finally, what’s next for Paula? What dreams and goals are you working toward now?

Paula: The quote “We play for the love of the game and are determined to go on” is prominent on my Goal Diggers football shirt. Those words will inspire me and players like me to fight the ban of trans women by the English FA from playing football alongside our friends. The support and solidarity shown by the women I play alongside week in, week out inspires me. We will not meekly disappear from view.

Monika: Paula, thank you so much for sharing your journey and insights.

Paula: Monika, thank you so much for allowing me this time and voice. The journey goes on. Where it takes me next, where it ends, who knows, but it’s going to be an awfully big adventure.

All the photos: courtesy of Paula Griffin.

Photo credits: Clapton CFC, Goal Diggers FC and Cancer Research.

© 2025 - Monika Kowalska