Growing up in California in the 1970s and 1980s, Meredith had little exposure to openly LGBTQIA+ lives, encountering gender and sexuality only through the narrow, often misleading lens of media. It wasn’t until she moved to Australia, nearly thirty, that Meredith began to explore the truths that had been quietly forming inside her. In the process, she discovered that her identity did not have to be confined to a single form. What emerged was not a replacement of one self with another, but a dual existence: Meredith alongside Derek, each fully real, each fully valid. Through her memoir, Double Exposure, and her thoughtful presence online, Meredith challenges the conventional notion that gender must be singular or fixed. Her story is not only about fashion, names, or appearances, it is about the deep, daily negotiation of selfhood, the joy of being seen, and the courage it takes to show the world that a person can exist in multiple, beautiful ways. She speaks openly about the interplay between visibility and vulnerability, the pressures and privileges of “passing,” and the delicate balance of honoring both her past and present selves.
Yet at every turn, her reflections are filled with warmth, humor, and a quiet wisdom that draws people in and makes them feel seen themselves. Meredith’s experiences with love, intimacy, and community have shaped her understanding of human connection in ways that are unconventional yet profoundly human. She has discovered the power of online and real-life networks in giving her both courage and a sense of belonging, and she continues to find inspiration in the stories of others navigating their own complexities. Her life is a vivid example that authenticity is not a destination but an ongoing, evolving journey. By living openly as both Meredith and Derek, she invites others to question rigid assumptions about identity, to embrace their own contradictions, and to find joy in the fullness of who they are. Her story is at once intimate and universal, a reminder that complexity does not dilute authenticity, but enriches it, and that the courage to be oneself can ripple outward, inspiring and liberating those around us.
Monika: Hi Meredith! Thanks for saying yes to this chat.
Meredith: My pleasure! Thanks for all your efforts in promoting transgender awareness and visibility!
Monika: For anyone just meeting you, can you share a little about yourself and your background?
Meredith: I grew up in California in the 1970s and 1980s, mostly sheltered from any personal exposure to any LGBTQIA+ issues or individuals who were clearly out. All I knew was what I saw in the media, which didn’t exactly encourage me to think about how gender and sexuality related to my own life. It wasn’t until after I moved to Australia, living on my own and meeting a more diverse group of friends than I grew up with, that I started to explore these things at nearly thirty years old.
Over many years of keeping Meredith restricted to secret and safe spaces it became clear that she really needed to be seen and acknowledged openly, while at the same time I never felt like I wanted to stop being Derek. So I ended up with two identities.
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| "I know that I have a very strong sense of self." |
Meredith: About ten years ago I felt like the universe was giving me signs that I should write my story down. Some things happened to friends and family that made me concerned about keeping lifelong secrets, and about the kinds of questions people would have if they found out about Meredith and I wasn't around to answer them. I didn't want my loved ones to be left wondering, or worse, making up their own answers in my absence.
Monika: Once you started sharing more openly, how did people respond to seeing both Meredith and Derek?
Meredith: I had already started existing in limited spaces, both online and offline, as both Meredith and Derek, and the reception I was getting was overwhelmingly positive. People were curious and had questions but most didn't seem to be hostile in any way, even if they didn't understand it. So even though I was aware of the dangers of being so visible, I figured I would just deal with problems as they happened.
Perhaps I was, and still am, a bit naive, but I also know that I have a very strong sense of self - I've already asked myself all of the challenging questions about the validity of my gender, so someone trying to hurt or discredit me won't be bringing anything I haven't already faced. And I acknowledge how lucky I have been in my journey. I’ve been fortunate to have supportive people to defend me and help shield me, especially online, from some of the nastier stuff.
Monika: Social media can be a magic eight ball, you get wisdom, curiosity, and sometimes “what lipstick are you wearing?” Which messages or questions from your followers resonate with you the most?
Meredith: It depends on how much people know about me. I don't actually get a lot of questions from people who only follow me on social media. Given that I am mostly recognised from my fashion posts in op shopping (thrifting) groups, people usually just make comments (positive ones, thankfully) about my outfits and my legs! Even after people find out about my dual-gender nature, they don't seem to ask questions. Perhaps they're worried about being inappropriate. Maybe people will have some interesting questions to ask after they have read my memoir - assuming the book doesn't answer them all!
Monika: Many transgender narratives focus on replacing one identity with another, but your story emphasizes continuity. How do you balance the presence of Derek and Meredith in your everyday life, and how has that balance evolved?
Meredith: I spend most of my time presenting as Derek since that's really the default presentation - when I roll out of bed I certainly don't look or feel very feminine. Presenting as Meredith takes a bit of planning and effort, even though I wish that wasn't the case, both on a personal level (my own laziness) and a societal level (patriarchal expectations of women, and the difficulty of meeting them).
When Meredith first emerged I didn't feel like she was given a fair percentage of my time, but a lot of that feeling was because the restrictions on her existence were external, not internal. Nowadays, since the only things really determining Meredith's appearance are my own schedule, obligations, and energy levels, I don't have any issues with how often - or rarely - she appears. It can vary quite a bit depending on what's going on in my life. Meredith - and Derek - are always present internally, however, regardless of who I look and act like on the outside.
Monika: Do you remember the first time you met a transgender woman in person? What was that experience like, and how did it make you feel?
Meredith: Yes, although I didn't really interact with her beyond saying hello. I was absolutely fascinated by her appearance (beautiful) and demeanour (elegant). It definitely sparked something inside me, which in hindsight I would probably call unfocused ambition. I don't think my egg actually cracked from the encounter, but it certainly made the concept of someone being transgender very real to me.
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| "Meredith and Derek are always present internally." |
Meredith: I picked the name Meredith because I like how it looks and sounds, and the fact that it's uncommon but not unusual, and most people are familiar with the spelling. I did have to pick a different surname to go with it though, because I knew that it would likely be shortened (Australians do that to people's names) and I didn't want to be called Merri Moo! So I went through a few Asian-sounding surnames and settled on Lee because you can make the anagram "red heel time" out of "Meredith Lee". I then had to go out and buy some red heels of course, because I didn't have any yet.
And then a few months after I picked my name, the show "Grey's Anatomy" started and the two lead characters got involved with each other, and they were called Meredith and Derek! My friends had a good time with that one.
Monika: When you came out, did your mother embrace you as her daughter? And do you feel any connection to her in the way you look, carry yourself, or even in your style and mannerisms?
Meredith: You’d have to ask my mother about that, to be honest. She certainly embraced me and accepted me, but I don’t know if she thinks of Meredith as a daughter, given that I never stopped being her son, Derek. I think it’s probably more important to her that I am happy and safe.
As for resemblance, people can tell we’re related no matter who I’m presenting as. I think my style is a bit more daring than she would choose though!
Monika: Visibility can be both a gift and a burden. What have been the most challenging moments of being seen publicly as Meredith while honoring Derek’s past?
Meredith: I’ve been extremely lucky in that I haven’t really been challenged in a hostile way by anyone. The potential arguments about my validity as both, or either, of my genders are things I’ve only ever played out in my head. Sometimes I wonder if some people think that Meredith is not “real” and are just too polite, or disinterested, to say anything, but I’ve never really picked up those kinds of vibes.
The actual challenges I run into are more administrative and structural than personal. For instance, it’s pretty much impossible to shoehorn two names, including different surnames, into a single computer system account. My dual existence is simply not a concept that anyone ever thought to design for. Being dual-gender can occasionally throw a spanner in the works in places you wouldn’t necessarily anticipate.
Even something as innocuous and trivial as collecting an order from a shop where they know Derek as a regular, but have never seen Meredith, means I have to think about whether I have the energy to explain myself if I want to collect the order while I’m Meredith.
Monika: Can you share a specific moment when people’s reactions made you feel especially affirmed as Meredith?
Meredith: The rewarding moments are fun though. I’m fairly used to getting amazed and appreciative reactions when people who already know Derek meet Meredith for the first time. But a few years ago, I started volunteering at an op shop as Meredith, and for various reasons it was many months before I attended a shift as Derek.
One of the other volunteers was more astonished at seeing Derek than anyone had ever been when it was the other way around. That was quite affirming, in an unexpected way.
The biggest rewards come when somebody tells me that my visibility has given them hope, and perhaps courage, to live their own life more authentically. It’s not always about gender. Simply existing in a way that feels true to you, unapologetically, shows others that maybe they don’t need to be so worried about how the world will receive them. When I have an encounter like that, it really makes me feel better about the world.
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| "I know what I find attractive in women." |
Meredith: Freedom and joy, definitely. It still feels like both. Men’s fashion is so uninteresting. When you come across a men’s outfit that stands out, it often looks like the wearer is trying too hard. I know that the only way to shift this perception is to have more men willing to look like that, but I found it easier, and way more fun, to embrace feminine style instead.
I’ve always liked pretty things, even as a small child, long before I knew anything about gender norms. I don’t think my past self would be confused, I think I’d be excited.
Monika: How would you describe your personal style? Do you follow any specific fashion trends, or do you have go-to outfits that make you feel confident?
Meredith: I would call my style (or what I try to achieve, anyway) demurely sexy and overtly feminine. I love lace and soft details, florals, butterflies, ribbons, etc. And I do like showing off my legs in heels but definitely in a cute and flirty or elegant way, not a raunchy way. No chunky platforms please.
I don't actively follow any trends, although I do like the cottagecore look of recent years. I built my wardrobe mostly from op shopping (thrifting), simply gathering pieces that I liked. Over time it became clear that the kinds of clothes that look good on me are tailored to obscure the fact that I have wide shoulders and no hips. So I have a lot of fitted tops and flared skirts and dresses. Nothing loose and baggy or slinky and stretchy.
I do have some favourite outfits but I think most of them make me feel confident, or else they wouldn't be in my wardrobe!
Monika: Do you love playing around with makeup, or is it more of a “throw on the basics and go” kind of vibe for you?
Meredith: I never seem to make the time for playing around or experimenting. I’d like to try different looks someday, but for many years I’ve used the same basic routine, only changing the colours to match whatever outfit I’m wearing. Concealer, foundation, blush, eyeliner, eyeshadow, mascara, lipstick.
Occasionally I’ll add false eyelashes or sparkles if I’m going to a fancy event or a party.
Monika: By the way, do you like being complimented on your looks? Do you find it easy to accept compliments, or do you struggle with believing them?
Meredith: I address this in my book - I think it's an important part of being at peace with our presence in the world: how we are perceived - which may not be the same as how we think we are perceived - and how we react to that information. I spent years thinking I was funny looking, and becoming Meredith actually made a huge contribution towards my acceptance that others might actually consider me attractive.
Today I do find it easy to accept compliments on my looks, and I can believe and agree with them, although I still feel uneasy about reinforcing patriarchal ideas about female appearance, at the same time as feeling good about looking attractive. It’s a conundrum that many, many women would understand.
Monika: Did you ever feel pressure to meet a certain ideal of femininity, like I did by trying to look like the women around me?
Meredith: Absolutely. I know what I find attractive in women, and I aspire to look that way myself, to the extent that is reasonable and practical to achieve, given the various factors of my life situation. Again, I struggle with society’s tendency to equate attractiveness with inherent worth.
It’s difficult to say that I want to achieve a beautiful appearance for its own sake, when I know that society is going to treat me better for it. I’m certainly not going to make myself look worse when I know people will treat me worse. I don’t have an easy answer to this, it’s an ongoing conversation in my life.
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| "I know I am lucky that Meredith can pass." |
Meredith: I address this also in my book - I know I am lucky Meredith can pass and I do not take this lightly. I try to raise awareness about passing privilege when I can. There are so many layers to the issue, however, that simply introducing the concept of passing privilege is difficult without first addressing other underlying assumptions and biases.
Monika: Has your relationship with passing changed over time as you became more open about being dual-gender?
Meredith: Previously, I may have worried about being clocked and the potential negative encounters that might have resulted, but - as I keep saying! - I have been extremely lucky with how society has received me so far, and I don't really worry about encountering transphobes in the wild (I also don't frequent the kinds of spaces where they are likely to be present).
It may seem counterintuitive but I actually feel less pressure to pass now that I am completely open about being dual-gender. If you think about it, being true to my dual identity means that I don't need to hide Derek's existence when Meredith is out, and vice versa. So trying to "pass" as a cisgender person in either case would actually be pointless. There is a little bit of Derek in Meredith and there is a little bit of Meredith in Derek. And that's fine, because they are both me.
Monika: Love, relationships, and intimacy appear in your book in complex ways. How has living in two genders shaped your understanding of love and connection?
Meredith: I’ve developed a new understanding of how limiting our vocabulary is when it comes to defining unexpected concepts. For instance, there is currently no mainstream word to describe my sexuality, even though it is as simple as “I like women.” The common terms always presume to know the gender of the person they apply to. My gender changes, my sexuality does not.
Am I a straight man or a transfemme lesbian? It depends on who you ask. Being visibly dual-gender has also meant that I’ve been invited into alternative spaces where I’ve observed relationships and intimacy in many different forms, some with terms to describe them and some without. “It’s complicated,” as they say.
I suspect that everything under the sun has been going on for as long as humans have existed, and that most of the diversity of behaviour simply stays hidden, unless a particular cultural time and place happens to accept it openly.
Monika: Communities, friends, and online spaces appear as lifelines in your memoir. How crucial were these support networks in helping you embrace Meredith?
Meredith: I don't know if I could have survived without my online connections. It was certainly easier to come out to someone I only knew from a forum or chatroom than it was to come out in person. Awkward silences and nervous eye contact have much less of an effect online! It was a safe, low-risk way to test the waters and gain some confidence in myself.
In writing my memoir I realised that throughout my life I have always been searching for community, even if I only recognised them as such in hindsight. I am forever grateful that I have found friends who embrace me in all my weirdness, complication and contradiction, and who have treated me with kindness. My friends - whether one-on-one or as a group - have absolutely been my lifelines when I needed them.
Monika: Writing Double Exposure must have been both reflective and revealing. What surprised you most about yourself during the process?
Meredith: Probably the fact that I ended up still willing to share it with the world! But the world’s impression of me is less important to me than the idea that my story might show someone else that they are not alone in how they feel about their gender, and that embracing that feeling can be a beautiful thing.
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| "You can be the person you feel you are." |
Meredith: I’m exhausted after spending more than five years on the memoir! I have no idea what comes next. I’ve actually had a sudden career change in the last year, and I’ve spent a lot of energy just adjusting and settling into this new alternative life I find myself living, after thirty years working in an office.
My new life is much more community-centred though, so I suspect that whatever project comes next will reflect that focus.
Monika: Finally, if someone finished your book and thought they had to choose a single identity, what would you want to say to them, without sounding like a lecture?
Meredith: I would ask: “Did you actually read my book?”
Because that’s not a mindset I would expect from someone who actually understood my message. Seriously though, I would ask why they felt the need to choose. What happens after that would depend on their answer, but I would probably encourage them to question their reasons, and try to uncover their assumptions and biases about the world (and their place in it) that they may not consciously recognise.
I’m certainly not going to advocate for anyone and everyone to live the way I do. I just happen to exist in a way that works for me. And even that isn’t fixed - I may very well end up existing some other way in the future. But that possibility does not and will not invalidate who I am right now. My message is that you can be the person you feel you are. Even if that person is complicated, the message is still simple.
All the photos: courtesy of Meredith Lee.
© 2026 - Monika Kowalska
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