Monika: Today I have the sheer pleasure of chatting with Hannah Joelle Kamphof, a Canadian blogger that shares her transition journey on social media. Hello Hannah! Thank you for accepting my invitation.
Hannah: Thank you so much in return Monika, this is an honour considering how instrumental your Heroines blog was for me, especially in my first six months of transition. It’s an honour to now be part of this amazing collection of interviews.
Monika: Could you say a few words about yourself?
Hannah: As many would likely say of me I am not a person of few words, especially in front of a keyboard Lol, I’ll do my best. I’m Canadian, 47 years old, born in a small city in south-west Ontario, Canada; raised a good chunk of my life in the metro area of Vancouver, British Columbia; went to University in Edmonton, Alberta where I earned my BA in History and Political Science; from there moved all over as I sought meaning in my life and likely escaping life also.
I lived twice in the Netherlands for a number of years, twice in South Korea teaching English for almost five years total, and lived all over Canada. Did a lot of travel when I could as well, lots of adventures, many friends made but found no real answers in my global search for who I was and what was causing so much disconnect from self and the world.
Monika: How about your family?
Hannah: In the midst of all this journeying I found my wife and got married in 2007 (now separated) and had an amazing 15 years of marriage together, no children but a few fur babies instead. My wife and I are still very close and we talk often. She forever will be a part of my heart and soul, I owe her so much of my life and healing.
I come from a church-going family. Since my parents were both Dutch immigrants we went to the Christian Reformed Church (CRC) which while conservative was still steeped in Dutch and Northern European philosophical thought. Intellectualism, philosophy, and academia back then was highly praised in so many regards, also socially progressive in many ways except in the ways that would have helped me and others like me. Now the CRC is as broken and regressive generally like many evangelical denominations.
My mother was quite the feminist and my dad as well, especially for the work they did in the church and external community. For the time they both would have been considered very progressive and they are still to this day and my greatest supporters. However, back then, this being the 80s and 90s, the big battle was the legitimacy of women holding church office, I recall our denomination splitting as a result as many could not believe the good Lord would trust women to lead. Still astounding that many churches still hold to this patriarchal and misogynistic view. So quite regressive one may say too. Challenging the gender and sexual norms, had I understood them, as it is today still in that denomination, would not have been a positive experience.
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| "I can see my whole childhood as a quest to be the girl I was in many ways." |
Hannah: My gender experience consciously is a long one. I knew of my gender struggle consciously and vividly once puberty hit me at age 11 and 12 or so, however I have plenty of memories now of gender incongruence well beforehand just never obvious until I truly considered them post coming out. Upon reflection, I can see my whole childhood as a quest to be the girl I was in many ways or as ways of hiding it and coping with it. From those moments on in my childhood I also started my near daily and nightly prayer to God, to science, to magic, to whatever, to heal me. I never knew a miracle or the help I needed would come for me, from medicine and science, nearly 35 years later in life.
In the late 80s when puberty hit I knew in every way something was different about me, especially in my attempts to see if friends felt the same, they did not, at all. So very quickly I knew such things were not to be exposed and shared with the world, so I hid them, deeply. From then on through high school, university, working and adulthood, life was simply a life of hidden pain, near weekly headaches and migraines (till coming out wonderfully), intense stress and distress from my incongruence and the knowledge that the miracle I prayed for every night would of course never happen. I think for me that was the biggest and most agonizing hole of emptiness in myself. The healing I sought being totally and utterly impossible (as far as I understood). That was sheer agony, unadulterated pain. A prison of no escape, even death couldn't save me as I’d die as a boy and no one ever knowing the pain I lived in since birth.
Monika: How did you try to cope with gender dysphoria?
Hannah: I knew then but most definitely now that most of my life was simply coping, finding time to cope or planning time to cope. It was a really hard life when I look back on it, no matter how privileged I was in many ways it was not a life of joy or self-love. It was a hard, hard life to live as I was so aware of my internal struggle. I just had no language, support, community, or even knowledge of what was possible or who and what I actually was. The legacy of my past can be explained as part of me (which actually was ALL of me) knowing I was a girl but knowing it was impossible beyond impossibilities to do anything about it. Until age 45 when I couldn't do it anymore.
In late January of 2021, I broke down while working from home due to the pandemic. One day seemingly ok the next an utterly destroyed human. I couldn't do anything as my anxiety and depression took full control of my life. I had known for many years my candle flame was fading but never believed it could have been blown out. It almost did, it was awful. I had then never been as terrified as I was then. Suicidal ideation, something I had disregarded as an option many times before came back in power that I had never felt before.
Monika: But you started therapy...
Hannah: I started therapy as soon as I could find one in the then crazy pandemic world. Within weeks of therapy I had already shared with my therapist of these gender-switching proclivities thinking only to share with him everything about me. I didn't then expect it to be the reason for my struggles, likely just a facet that needed to be shared. However, once that dam broke it wasn't long until it all came out. Soon it was all we talked about for the weeks after and then on April 8th, only months after my catastrophic breakdown and a few days from my 45th birthday, I broke down again before bed after a horrible day and weeks of high volumes of cannabis usage and depression. I poured my heart and soul out to my wife and told her everything. Everything. It took hours and hours into the night. The days and weeks after I told friends and family.
I never planned on transitioning in those first weeks, not even a little. I was so angry at God and the world. How could this happen? What was I to do now? I did however feel a massive weight off my shoulders. I scoffed at the idea of a “sex change” when talking to others and I did so in order to placate myself and others. But after a few weeks of intense internet research into who and what I was and once I saw what was possible, what the world hid from me in language and in medicine I never looked back. It was like the only lifelong dream, yearning, fantasy, and hope I ever had all of a sudden going from completely impossible to becoming possible. I cannot stress the momentousness of that realization of hope and possibility. It still seems so bizarre that this all happened. Once I knew that I was full speed ahead. It took only a few weeks. And now I’m here today. Alive and finding joy.
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| "I poured my heart and soul out to my wife and told her everything." |
Hannah: Oh my yes, not a little but a lot! In a way everything, it was one of the biggest sparks of possibility besides HRT that I had been seeking up to that point.
There are many I owe my life to today and this blog was one of the mightiest two years ago that saved my life. The fact you emailed me at around the two-year anniversary I was introduced to it is also quite wonderfully serendipitous.
When my egg cracked that April 8th/9th, 2021 I did a crash course online for what I was struggling with. Learning of things beyond the denigrating terms for people like us, the awful perspectives on “sex changes” as I understood it to be, and that I actually was born this way was so necessary to understand me and my life thus far. Learning of gender dysphoria/incongruence; language and words to explain who I was; legitimacy of my identity, struggle and self; this magic of hormone therapy; and surgeries etc. I learned it all as fast as I could. I needed answers as answers meant hope and perhaps continued life. Up until then my social media usage was at an all-time low but overnight I was on YouTube absorbing the journeys of trans social media influencers, therapists, voice coaches, and the like. I was on Youtube almost every moment I wasn’t sleeping.
Monika: Where did you look for support?
Hannah: After some weeks of endless YouTube, I finally joined Reddit and joined all the trans-related subs I could find. The information available for the trans community on Reddit is amazing beyond amazing. Then one day in early June of 2021 I stumbled across one of your Heroines Blogs on Reddit of you interviewing this beautiful woman from Toronto. Her name was Victoria Perera (IG @almost.instant.victoria). My life changed in that moment. Hope injected in a way nothing yet had up to that point. I can't say all of why that interview hit me like a wrecking ball but it did. But the fact she was Canadian in Ontario with the same medical system; she was the same age; she was very masculine in her prior life; and she did many similar life things on her journey was helpful.
But what really impacted me was her actual transition journey. All of sudden I found someone who transitioned at the speed and ambition that I was determined to do and did so successfully and went from a perceived absolute dude’s dude to an undeniably beautiful woman. She represented everything I was trying to justify as a legitimate way to heal and did it in a way that shone so brightly to me. In many ways Victoria was the muse I had been searching for. I had no idea how much this wonderful human would shape my life from that moment on.
Monika: Victoria is amazing!
Hannah: Up to that point everyone, including those who supported me was telling me to slow down and telling me I was moving way to fast. Only a little over two months had gone by since I had come out. One day out and the next week asking my doctor for commencement of HRT. But I spent 45 years of life in conscious distress, I knew I had tried it all, I knew I was a binary transwoman now to my core, and waiting was no longer an option. Slowing down meant a death sentence for me and slowing down would be a service to other’s comforts not my own. It was time for me, like Victoria to take ownership and own my life journey and go at the speed that I required to heal. In that interview, I found support, answers, hope, possibility, and most importantly belief.
After reading that interview I started using Instagram again by following Victoria. I had no idea she was quite the influencer but her account kept growing and growing in visibility. I think she was really my first Instagram follow outside of family post coming out. Her IG posts from then on fed me in ways others simply didn’t as they’ve done for hundreds and thousands of others.
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| "In many ways Victoria was the muse I had been searching for." |
Hannah: Wonderfully after a number of months, Victoria followed me back, oh god I was so excited, like I’m embarrassed now in hindsight. Like a celebrity who notices you and one gets all goofy eyed as a result. Yes, that was me. I talked about it for days. My parents still laugh and joke about it Lol. Soon after she and I started chatting over transition things and then one day she invited me out with a group of other people to Toronto’s gay village, and soon we started hanging out more and more. Now she and I are best friends, we do everything together. She’s my sister and best friend and I couldn't be more grateful for someone like her in my life. The help, support, friendship, adventures, and all the crazy things we’ve done have really been a blessing for us both. I’d like to say we have really healed each other and held each other up when the other is down.
So not only did this blog give me life and hope it gave me the most wonderful human to be best friends with (and the other besties in our chosen family). I cannot say how thankful I am for these gifts but thank you, I appreciate you and the life you have given to me. And I still read your amazing interviews when I can!
Monika: I am always happy when I can help my Sisters! What inspired you to share your intimate life moments on social media?
Hannah: I think it was a multi-inspired journey to do so. Visibility was the biggest reason. No more hiding no more closets. I wanted to celebrate me with the fullest of me and my story which meant all of it. Sure it may be somewhat curated for social media but all of it is my struggle, my joys, my silly, my important, my truths and my growth and blossoming. After seeing what so many others had done on social media, particularly Instagram, of sharing their journeys in all forms it felt prudent to pay it forward in a way to give back to the community and maintain the storytelling for our community. I have noticed in a few social media mediums that after individuals had transitioned that they would slowly fade from social media as they started to live their lives as the people they truly were. And this had the potential to leave voids behind for others to fill with their stories and to continue carrying the torch of storytelling for the rest of the community who is coming up behind.
As we know visibility matters and for a journey like this a sanitized telling is often less helpful than a telling with all the raw and ugly or beauty. That includes some rather intimate details at times. For me, I was hidden away for 45 years and I do not wish any part of me to be hidden away for others again. Sharing our journeys not only saved and gave me my life but I am hopeful the sharing of my journey has helped others in return.
Monika: Do you get many questions from your social media followers? What do they ask for?
Hannah: Sadly many ask for inappropriate things but questions from the followers that matter the most to me are often from other trans folk or allies and I love being there for those. So many questions come from that group. Transition questions are often the biggest questions I get, stuff on HRT, surgeries and a lot of questions on social aspects of transition as well such as coming out and language for that. I love language and our community uses language that is not ours but made for us by the cis-gender community often out of ignorance. So I also enjoy answering questions on language by trying to empower our community with language that best explains who we are and our journeys. I often avoid advice giving but instead share my thoughts and experiences and allow for others to determine if applicable or helpful for them. My journey is mine and while maybe has potential to inspire others I want others to choose their own paths to take that are best for them and their circumstances.
Monika: We all pay the highest price for the fulfillment of our dreams to be ourselves. As a result, we lose our families, friends, jobs, and social positions. Did you pay such a high price as well? What was the hardest thing about your coming out?
Hannah: I don't feel like my coming out was necessarily a choice rather it was the reality I had to confront and whether I would continue to step forward and see where this would go or simply call it for good. This means as a result, I didn't feel like I had much of a choice what I would lose by stepping forward to be myself. I knew and was willing to risk it all to see where this journey would take me and while that was certainly done naïvely it was with eyes wide open. In the end, I haven't lost too much thankfully.
I have been deeply privileged by the love and support received by my (ex)spouse, both families, friends and my workplace. For a good part of my transition I have been off work on paid disability and that has provided a much healthier way to heal. The biggest loss has been my marriage without a doubt but my wife and I are still very close and we talk often, but where we were in our relationship it was healthier for some space for both of us. Both have some internal healing to do with our own pasts and it is currently done better apart and we’ll see how the future plays out. So while my relationships have changed and so many facets of my life the losses have thankfully been few.
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| "I have been deeply privileged by the love and support received by my (ex)spouse, both families, friends and my workplace." |
Hannah: I went through a bunch of other names during the first half year of transition but I always wanted one that spoke to something meaningful in my life so I discarded many. Long and short, I had settled on variations of the name Hannah at first with Annika, Anne, Anjé in remembrance of my grandmother on my mom’s side. Biblically Hannah means “God's grace” and I knew immediately this was my name upon knowing and it’s also a softer and nicer version of the name variations.
Grace is a word that I've carried with me for many years since it represents one of the most beautiful things in our broken world and something I have sought since my struggle became real in my early life. It felt so applicable for what I desired most in life. Grace, mostly for my very self. Something seemingly impossible but now no longer. One didn't need to be of a faith to understand the value of a word like Grace. Something I had desired as long as I could remember. But how does one show grace to self when one hates oneself and struggles to forgive? None of that was possible until I was freed to reveal and revel in the realness of me. I now live much healthier in grace, it is hard beyond hard but it is a much better and joyful life to live. Self grace is a hard task but my name is a reminder of what is possible.
Less dramatic is the name Joelle. It is the feminized version of Joel, my former name. I wanted to carry my old name into my new life as it represents a difficult life but one I lived as best and wonderfully as I could. The name represents a survivor for 45 years, a good kind persona which tried so hard to live the way the world wanted. That identity is now gone but it protected the person hiding inside, I wish to honour that no matter the pain and agony of that past.
END OF PART 1
All photos: courtesy of Hannah Joelle Kamphof.
© 2023 - Monika Kowalska
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