Monika: Was your family surprised by your transition?
Hannah: Oh my goodness, absolutely. While I was never alpha-male presenting I was definitely not a person in which someone would ever assume something like this. I was 6’2”, 220lbs fully bearded man who most thought was a football, hockey or other sporty type of guy. I wasn’t though, sports were never my thing but I had the look apparently. Girly girl was not remotely something thought about when thinking of me back then but certainly is now. When I came out to my family, I think a few days after my coming out to my wife, everybody was pretty astounded. However, even though there was surprise and confusion, the responses from my parents, my in-laws, my siblings, was immediately supportive. Wrong things were still said, ignorance was definitely present, but wonderfully, they all decided to walk and learn alongside me, the memory of that still brings me to tears.
Monika: Are you satisfied with the effects of the hormone treatment?
Hannah: Absolutely but feared the worst most of the time due to my age, my masculine appearance and my height among other reasons. Very quickly in my transition I had planned on all the surgeries that would be needed for me to feel comfortable in my body. I was expecting that to be a reality given my age, my height, and the way I perceived my body. In my mind, there was no way in hell that this body and face would ever belong to a feminine looking girl unless a great deal of money was spent on surgical intervention. In many ways this is why Victoria and others on social media were important to me. They showed that surgical intervention was a perfectly appropriate and wonderful way to seek healing and that one would look natural and feminine by allowing for those possibilities. So I went in with hope and I was mentally preparing for all eventualities to be explored as I was expecting the worst.
However, after about eight months I was starting to get gendered correctly consistently, which was something I had a very hard time believing as true. But as the months ticked by, misgenderings became almost nonexistent. I've been misgendered only a few times in my second year now and it’s happened almost entirely over the telephone. So yes, somehow hormones have worked magically, and surprisingly in so many ways. I am still astounded beyond astounded that this has provided the healing I have sought. All that being said, while I have been very happy with how hormones have shaped my body and face I have already completed my gender confirmation surgery (GCS/SRS), breast augmentation, and I'm scheduled to do facial feminization surgery this fall. Just looking to soften the face in a few areas where hormones are not able to change the bone structure.
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| "Passing syndrome or blending as me and my friends prefer is definitely a challenge and a privilege." |
Hannah: Passing syndrome or blending as me and my friends prefer is definitely a challenge and a privilege but it comes from a place of perceived necessity. Very few places on this planet are generally supportive and accepting of the transgender community let alone the 2SLGBTQIA+ community at large. This means being free comes at a possibly very high cost, and for those like me who couldn't hide anymore or for those who don’t want to hide anymore passing or blending is a form of safety and harm prevention.
But that's not the only reason, our culture still lives in a world of the binary. We are raised only knowing of a male or female culture. We aren't raised in the world in which trans people can be trans people whatever that looks like. So for myself who was born in 1976 the expression of femininity, the expression of my very self is still entrenched by what the world has been around me, how the world says this is a woman and this is a man. And a lot of me wants that, I not only want to express that in the way I adorn myself, but in the way people perceive me.
But in many ways I know that's no different than me plugging myself back into the matrix and adopting expressions borne out of misogyny and the patriarchy that had imprisoned me in the first place.
Monika: Do we need to change the world around us?
Hannah: If the world is fortunate to allow trans people the fullest opportunities to be themselves and give the benefits of healing and acceptance, when it is understood by that child then hopefully the need for passing or blending becomes much less important as it is today, I do personally believe there will always be those who will require hormone, surgical and other medical intervention to heal. But many of us would likely make different choices for healing if we lived in the world in which we could be ourselves and come at our beautiful reality from a more healthy and wonderful direction.
Inherently there is nothing dysfunctional or limiting with being born trans. For some of us, it’s true that the distress and incongruence are simply too great and the advancements in the medical and scientific community have been wonderful forms of healing. But generally a good part of what causes so much distress in a trans person's life is purely driven by the world around us, and the choices others make. As a result, we are stuck in a bit of a cycle of human created distress, that then creates forms of protection. So passing or blending becomes a desired reality for a whole bunch of legitimate reasons.
Monika: Do you remember the first time you saw a transgender woman on TV or met anyone transgender in person that opened your eyes and allowed you to realize who you are?
Hannah: With the rise of the Internet and television shows like Jerry Springer my first introductions to people in the trans community were not healthy and, of course, in all of those examples, they were never called transgender, they were men posing as women, or often given derogatory labels that we all unfortunately know so well. My first examples informed me how truly despicable the world saw people like me. Of course, back then I would have never considered myself like those people.
The first real positive examples that I loosely allowed myself to show an interest in was Caitlyn Jenner, who obviously has greatly disappointed the community since then. She was someone who years before my coming out that I would risk looking into on the Internet as she was one of the first in which somehow seemed more relatable than any other I had known about before which to be fair with little to none. But I can't say she initially helped my coming out. Next would be Elliot Page as his story really started resounding, particularly with the Oprah interview during my coming out era. But he like Caitlyn, maybe aided me in seeing more trans representation, rather than assisting me in who I was.
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| ""I love clothes and I love feeling put together and I love colour." |
Monika: Did you have any transgender sisters around you that supported you during the transition?
Hannah: Again, I have been very fortunate and privileged. Victoria Perera has been probably my closest friend that has guided me through a great deal of my transition and I’ve also found so much connection and friendships through social media many of whom you have already interviewed. I've also made so many friends in real life and online that I have relied upon, received advice from, love and support, everything I've needed to get where I am today. So yes, I can say I’ve had dozens and dozens of close sisters and hundreds and hundreds besides as well. I forever will be thankful and endlessly grateful for the world of love and support that the trans community on Instagram particularly has given me.
Monika: What do you think about the present situation of transgender women in your country?
Hannah: I am very fortunate to be born and raised in Canada, particularly in the metropolitan regions of Vancouver, Edmonton and now the Toronto area. Canada, most certainly has its less accepting demographics, found generally more in the rural and suburban communities but without a doubt, Canada tends to be more liberal leaning socially than other western industrialized countries, such as the United States, the United Kingdom, and a few others that still have large regressive demographics within. As such Canada still tends to be quite a safe country, generally for people within the trans community and more so with the 2SLGBTQIA community at large.
Sadly though, this has seen a shift recently due to the regressive legislation, protests and reinforced phobias in the United States and the United Kingdom pushing back against the trans community and the 2SLGBTQIA community at large. What has been encouraging is even in our Prairie provinces, which generally tend to run much more socially conservative we are seeing protests at drag events, libraries, pride, flags, etc. but significantly larger counter protests and reactions from the community at large, saying that inclusivity matters far more.
I am encouraged by the reaction of Canadians so far to be accepting of our community but no doubt the influence and pressure is coming from the United States could shift that in time if that nation goes down a darker path than it already is.
Monika: Do you like fashion? What kind of outfits do you usually wear? Any special fashion designs, colors, or trends?
Hannah: I love clothes and I love feeling put together and I love colour. I can't say I have spent much time focusing on the fashion industry, current fashions and styles, etc. but I love exploring the world of clothing and expression in ways I never was able to before. In the end, the clothes I wear are the clothes I wear, and as long as I feel put together, comfortable and presentable that's all that matters. So, for example, if I'm going out shopping or doing something with friends, it'll typically be something very casual like jeans, leggings, or some nice pants or shorts, and a nice cute top.
If going out dancing or clubbing or to some event, I'll definitely dress up fancier or sexier in order to feel more wow or glamorous and able to draw some attention. And while I'm at home, I only wear comfortable clothes or sometimes no clothes at all. For the first time since I was a baby I enjoy being naked, I like the body I now see unclothed and clothed, to me that’s a miracle of miracles.
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| "Inherently there is nothing dysfunctional or limiting with being born trans." |
Hannah: I did early on in my transition with a lot of help from my wife. Honestly, I use very little make-up now, and I kind of like it that way. Typically, if I'm going out for any reason like shopping I'll put on a little brow pencil and maybe some mascara. If I'm going out where being a bit more presentable is necessary, like dinner or dancing, I'll add some colourful lipgloss, a little blush, and maybe some eyeshadow.
Monika: I remember copying my sister and mother first, and later other women, trying to look 100% feminine, and my cis female friends used to joke that I try to be a woman that does not exist in reality. Did you experience the same?
Hannah: Absolutely in the first half year or more of transition that was me. I think I exaggerated femininity a lot more in order to compensate for the masculinity that I was still trying to hide. Friends and family have commented about how feminine my mannerisms and such can be, but I'm hopeful that they have settled down in the last while to something a lot more natural rather than a feminine caricature that I may have been displaying prior.
In the present a lot of how I express myself in expression, voice, mannerisms, and other areas is absolutely more natural than unnatural. That's not to say it doesn't require more growth, or maturing, more refinement, and adjusting but generally the way I present myself is the way I feel the most natural to do so, and I don't feel I am compensating very much as I used to for those areas of masculinity that before I felt I needed to hide. I don't want to pretend or falsify the way I present. In no way do I want to personify a female stereotype as far as my identity nor do I want to personify my self in a way that I just am not. My goal is to be comfortable and naturally content in my very self, and that means living my life as comfortably, and as contentedly as I can.
Monika: By the way, do you like being complimented on your looks?
Hannah: Yeah, I absolutely do as it means something to me now even if something I still struggle to believe. In the past, I was told that I was a fairly attractive man but such compliments were never received in a healthy way let alone absorbed or believed. Being told that I am attractive now is still something I have a hard time processing, even though admittedly, I don't mind the way I look either right now and I’m pre-FFS yet (scheduled likely for this Fall 2023). So I'll be honest it's nice having that affirmation as it gives me more confidence on my presentation, my passability, and it's just nice to feel beautiful and attractive for once.
Monika: Are you involved in the life of the local LGBTQ community?
Hannah: Socially very much, so yes. Toronto and the surrounding cities and suburbs have very active 2SLGBTQIA communities and events and I love attending what I can. These often are in the form of dance club events, beach parties, wine nights and socials, potluck events, and a lot of queer focussed events, like run club, and volleyball that I’ve joined. Otherwise, for more social activism, I was part of quite a few online and in person support groups but since finding my own friend group and community, I have left a lot of those. At some point I would like to re-engage with the community at an advocacy and support role, but that will be more when I am a bit further in my own healing journey, where I can give capacity more to others, rather than myself and my journey.
Monika: Many transgender ladies write their memoirs. Have you ever thought about writing such a book yourself?
Hannah: Perhaps, I love to write, and I have written a journal for a good part of my transitional journey on top of my social media writing. Part of me wants to fill a bit of a niche if I do something like that so right now it's more of a fun idea rather than something I take seriously at the moment.
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| "Live in grace for oneself." |
Hannah: Fantastic question. I'll be honest beyond the next number of months is too far away for me right now to foresee where my path will take me. Since I completed my bottom surgery, February 2023, my breast augmentation April 2023. I am now going to enjoy the summer of 2023 as best I can without focussing too much on transitional needs aside from a laser appointment or electrolysis appointment now and then. In September or October 2023 I will have my facial feminization surgery which will likely be my last surgery.
In the meantime, it is now trying to fill the vacuum that before was filled with distress and agony of dysphoria, then in the last two years filled with dysphoria and the anxiety and demands of transition, and everything that came out of that. So this means, engaging with the world to find my place within it, the type of fulfillment I need to live a life of joy, relationships, and love, and hopefully to find something wonderful and creative that I can do now that I am free to do so as myself.
Monika: What would you recommend to all transgender women that are afraid of transition?
Hannah: Live in grace for oneself. I am always cautious to provide advice as people need to be guided by where they are at this moment. That being said, while living in fear is a legitimate way to exist, particularly if one does not live in a country, region, or community, where it is safe to do so fear should not be something that is held and treasured and put in front of one's very own self. Life is not worth living if someone else is living in your place, that may mean an identity and persona that has been created by oneself either way, life is still not being lived, and that is no life at all. So if one finds the opportunity to replace some or all of that fear with the motivation to be authentic and to revel in one's self, whatever that may look like that is a journey worth pursuing, and I would highly recommend the investigation and exploration of that.
There is no right way to transition either. Transition can be so small and safe or it could be momentous and radical and there is a vast spectrum in between for someone to explore and find where they land. As long as that person is allowing themselves the freedom to be and steps are taken forward even if done at a snail's pace, I would encourage the celebration of the excitement of that, and embrace it, and show yourself the love and grace to heal.
Monika: My pen-friend Gina Grahame wrote to me once that we should not limit our potential because of how we were born or by what we see other transgender people doing. Our dreams should not end on an operating table; that’s where they begin. Do you agree with this?
Hannah: I can agree, but I think in my journey that may be a bit limiting. Our dreams can begin when we embrace who we are, and whatever that looks like. Our dreams begin when our walls and barriers are broken and we see who we truly are inside. No dreams can be achieved until that happens. Then and only then can dreams unfold, where that may then include whatever form of transition and medical intervention is required or desired.
Monika: Hannah, it was a pleasure to interview you. Thanks a lot!
Hannah: This was such a pleasure and an honour for me as well. I deeply appreciate these interviews and the stories and visibility they provide, it is a crucial part of our community’s overall story of healing. So a big, big thanks in return.
END OF PART 2
All photos: courtesy of Hannah Joelle Kamphof.
© 2023 - Monika Kowalska
Fantastic interview! Hannah is my cousin and I’m so proud of how she has navigated her journey. She’s kept the good things from her past and former life and is building a strong foundation for her future. Congratulations, cuz!
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