Monika: Do you remember the first time you met a transgender woman in person? What was that experience like, and
how did it make you feel?
Ai Haruna: I don't remember one single person as the first transgender woman I ever met, but I clearly remember what
it meant when I encountered the newhalf performers as a teenager. Until then, I had been struggling with myself so
much that I could not concentrate on my school lessons. Then I saw women who were living and working openly in
feminine roles, singing, dancing and standing confidently in front of an audience. It was very different from the
message I had received at school, where I was expected to behave in a traditionally masculine way. Seeing these
women made me realise that perhaps I was not alone and that there might actually be a place in the world for someone
like me. I was fascinated by their beauty and confidence, but I was also deeply moved by the fact that they had
found their own way of living. They showed me that my future did not have to be limited by the expectations other
people had placed on me. That encounter gave me courage, and eventually I entered that world myself.
Monika: Before becoming Ai Haruna, you had already tried to build a music career. Your dream was not simply to
become famous as a transgender entertainer, you wanted to be an idol. Did you ever resent the idea that the
entertainment industry might only be interested in you because you were transgender?
Ai Haruna: Yes, I think there were times when I felt frustrated by that. My dream from childhood was to become an
idol, and I wanted people to recognise me for my singing and performing, not simply because I was a transgender
person. I even made my record debut under the name Kenji Onishi, because at that time I was trying to build a career
as a singer and artist. I had always admired idols such as Seiko Matsuda, and I wanted to stand on a stage and shine
in my own right. But as my career developed, being a transgender entertainer naturally became an important part of
how people saw me. At first, that could feel complicated because I did not want my gender identity to be the only
thing people noticed. Eventually, however, I learned to use every part of myself, including my femininity, my
humour, my experiences and my ability to entertain people. I think the important thing was not to keep asking
whether people were interested in me for the "right" reason, but to keep showing them what I could do. In the end,
becoming Ai Haruna meant accepting all of those different parts of myself rather than trying to separate them.
Monika: Many people imagine that transition is the moment when everything finally falls into place. Your life
suggests something more complicated, that even after transition, one still has to learn self-acceptance. What did
you have to learn about yourself after becoming the woman you had long wanted to be?
Ai Haruna: I had to learn that becoming a woman was not the end of my journey. For a long time, I believed that if I
could change my body, I would finally feel complete and all my worries would disappear. But even after surgery, I
sometimes struggled with the feeling that I was not a "real woman." I realised that I was still judging myself
according to an ideal of what a woman was supposed to look like or how she was supposed to be. Slowly, I
understood that I did not have to prove my womanhood to anyone, including myself. I could simply live as Ai and
accept all the experiences that had made me who I am. In fact, some of the things I once considered my greatest
complexes eventually became part of my strength as a performer and as a person. Learning to accept myself was
therefore just as important as changing my body.
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I had always admired idols such as Seiko Matsuda. |
Ai Haruna: I understand that feeling very well. When you have spent so many years hiding a part of yourself, finally
being able to express it openly can feel like discovering an entirely new world. I had always loved femininity,
idols, beautiful clothes and the world of performance, so being able to express myself more freely was very
exciting. There was certainly a feeling of wanting to experience the things I had not been able to experience when I
was younger. At the same time, my experience was not only about clothes or appearance, because I was also trying to
discover who I really was. I learned that wearing beautiful clothes or looking the way I wanted could make me happy,
but it could not by itself give me complete self-acceptance. That had to come from inside me. So yes, I understand
the feeling of wanting to make up for lost time, but eventually I think we also have to forgive ourselves for the
years we feel we lost and simply enjoy the life we have now.
Monika: By the way, do you like being complimented on your looks? Do you find it easy to accept compliments, or do
you struggle with believing them?
Ai Haruna: Of course I like being complimented! I think anyone would be happy to hear that they look beautiful or
that someone likes their appearance. As a performer, I have always paid attention to how I present myself, so
compliments about my appearance naturally make me happy. But when I was younger, I cared very strongly about how
other people saw me. I could spend a lot of energy wondering whether people thought I looked feminine enough or
whether they were judging me. As I have grown older, I have become much more comfortable with myself and I don't
want my happiness to depend entirely on other people's opinions. I can enjoy a compliment without needing it to
prove something about who I am. If someone tells me I look beautiful, I can simply smile and say thank you. I think
that ability to accept a compliment while still knowing your own worth is something that comes with experience.
Monika: Many transgender women feel pressure to look and be accepted as women. Even after transition or surgery,
other people may still judge us. How do you deal with other people's expectations and opinions about you?
Ai Haruna: When I was younger, I cared very strongly about how other people saw me, and I spent a lot of energy
worrying about whether I was accepted as a woman. Over time, I realised that I cannot live my life according to
everyone else's expectations. I have learned that being myself is more important than constantly trying to prove
something to other people. Now I try to focus less on how I am seen and more on how I want to live my own life.
Monika: You once spent years trying not to be defined by the newhalf label, only to discover that accepting the
part of yourself you had tried to hide eventually helped transform your life. Was there a specific moment when you
thought, "Perhaps I do not have to escape this part of myself anymore"?
Ai Haruna: I think that realisation came gradually rather than in one single moment. For a long time, I thought I
had to overcome the things that made me different and prove that I could simply be accepted as a woman and as an
entertainer. Eventually, I understood that what I had once considered my greatest complex could actually become my
greatest strength. When I stopped trying to hide that part of myself, I became freer to use my femininity, humour
and experiences as a performer.
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| My book. |
Ai Haruna: Yes, it was difficult because I had already experienced being known and successful in Osaka, so starting
again in Tokyo was a very different reality. My savings gradually became smaller, and I had to face the fact that
the success I had experienced before did not automatically follow me to a new city. It was painful for my pride, but
it also taught me that I could not simply depend on my past. I had to find a new way forward and keep working until
another opportunity came.
Monika: There was a period when your finances were so precarious that you opened a small bar simply to survive.
How frightening was it to realise that talent and dreams do not always protect you from ordinary worries such as
rent, bills and an empty bank account?
Ai Haruna: It was a very difficult period because I had reached a point where my dreams alone could not solve my
everyday problems. I had to think realistically about how to earn money and continue living, so opening a small bar
became a way to survive. It was frightening to see my savings disappearing, but the experience also taught me to be
much more practical and resilient. Looking back, that difficult period became an important part of my life because
it eventually led me to discover a different way of performing and connecting with people.
Monika: At first, you reportedly tried to run your bar without drawing attention to your history, but eventually
you began singing, dancing and performing for your customers, and everything started to change. Why do you think
we sometimes become successful only when we stop hiding the very thing we believe will make us unacceptable?
Ai Haruna: When I first opened the bar, I tried to hide my past and simply serve customers as a woman, but things
did not go well. When I finally stopped hiding and began singing, dancing and entertaining people, I was able to use
the very experiences I had once wanted to conceal. I think people can feel when we are trying too hard to become
someone else, while being ourselves allows our real strengths to come through. For me, accepting all of myself
became the beginning of a completely different chapter in my life.
Monika: "Air Ayaya" made you a national star, but the character was created after years of performing and even
emerged partly from a problem with your voice. Looking back, do you see that setback as one of those strange
moments when life takes something away from you and accidentally gives you a new path?
Ai Haruna: Yes, I think it was one of those unexpected turning points in my life. Because of problems with my voice,
I had to think differently about how I could perform and connect with an audience. That eventually led me to develop
my impersonation style, including Air Ayaya, which became an important part of my career. Sometimes something that
feels like a setback at the time can open a door that you could never have imagined.
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When I first opened the bar,
I tried to hide my past. |
Monika: Your impersonation of Aya Matsuura was funny, glamorous and wonderfully exaggerated, but it also required
extraordinary precision. What do you think makes impersonation an art rather than simply imitation?
Ai Haruna: For me, impersonation is not simply about copying someone's voice, appearance or movements. You have to
understand the person's character and find the details that make people recognise them immediately. I also wanted to
add my own humour, expressions and performance style rather than simply reproducing Aya Matsuura. When the audience
can recognise the original person while also enjoying something new that you have created, I think that becomes an
art.
Monika: To the public, your breakthrough may have looked almost overnight. But you had been working towards your
dream for nearly twenty years. Did sudden fame feel like victory, relief, disbelief, or perhaps all three at once?
Ai Haruna: It was probably a mixture of all three. I had been working and performing for many years, so I knew how
difficult it was to make people across Japan recognise me. When Air Ayaya suddenly became popular, it felt almost
unbelievable because I had spent so long waiting for an opportunity like that. More than anything, I was grateful
that people were finally seeing what I could do as a performer.
Monika: Winning Miss International Queen in 2009 made you the first Japanese winner of one of the world's
best-known transgender beauty pageants. What did standing on that stage mean to the young person who had once been
bullied simply for wanting to express femininity?
Ai Haruna: Standing on that stage meant a great deal to me because I remembered the young person who had once felt
there was no place for her. I had spent many years worrying about how other people saw me, so being able to stand
there proudly as myself was very meaningful. I had also learned that I did not need to imitate someone else or
become a certain kind of beauty queen, I could show my own personality and humour. Winning in 2009 felt like a
moment when all those difficult years became connected to something positive.
Monika: In 2026, your life became the inspiration for the Netflix film This is I. What was it like to watch your
younger self, with all the dreams, fear, loneliness and hope you once carried, being brought back to life by
another performer? Were there moments when it felt almost as if you were meeting that younger version of yourself
again?
Ai Haruna: It was a very strange and emotional experience to see my younger self brought to life in a film. When I
watched Kenji, the child who dreamed of becoming an idol while struggling with loneliness and the expectations of
others, I remembered many feelings that I had carried for a long time. It felt almost like meeting that younger
version of myself again and telling her that, even though the road would be difficult, she would eventually find her
own place in the world. I am very grateful that my story could be shared with so many people in this way.
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You'll eventually find
your own place in the world. |
Monika: Your story has travelled an extraordinary distance, from a child dreaming of becoming an idol to an
international celebrity whose life is now the subject of a major film. Finally, what's next for you? What dreams
and goals are you working toward now?
Ai Haruna: I don't think I have to decide everything about my future now, because I am excited to see how I will
change as a person. I want to continue performing, meeting people and doing things that make both myself and others
happy. I also want to keep living honestly and freely, without being trapped by other people's expectations of who I
should be. Ten years from now, I may have completely different dreams, and I am actually looking forward to meeting
that future version of myself.
All the photos: courtesy of Ai Haruna
© 2026 - Monika Kowalska
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