Monika: By the way, do you like being complimented on your looks? Do you find it easy to accept compliments, or do you struggle with believing them?
Deanna: I love getting compliments on my looks! One of the nicest surprises about transition for me was discovering how generous women are with compliments. I regularly get compliments about my hair. Those kind words always remind me of my grandmother telling me, “Your hair is too pretty to be on a boy,” when I was a child.
I’ve had men offer compliments, which is always nice. Men seem a little more wary of giving compliments; many aren’t sure what is appropriate in the age of the “Me Too” movement, which is a positive thing. I occasionally hear a man say, “I like that dress,” or “Those shoes are great.” I think men are more likely to give compliments with their eyes; many are not subtle when checking out your cleavage, which can be nice or creepy depending on who it is.
When I was Stephen, I never accepted compliments. I loathed when I started my transition and some people would see a picture of my former self and say, “You were hot!” I have no issue taking a compliment now; it often makes my day. I know I’m not some ideal of female beauty, but I can honestly say I like what I see when I look in the mirror. There is nothing more beautiful than authenticity.
I’ve had men offer compliments, which is always nice. Men seem a little more wary of giving compliments; many aren’t sure what is appropriate in the age of the “Me Too” movement, which is a positive thing. I occasionally hear a man say, “I like that dress,” or “Those shoes are great.” I think men are more likely to give compliments with their eyes; many are not subtle when checking out your cleavage, which can be nice or creepy depending on who it is.
When I was Stephen, I never accepted compliments. I loathed when I started my transition and some people would see a picture of my former self and say, “You were hot!” I have no issue taking a compliment now; it often makes my day. I know I’m not some ideal of female beauty, but I can honestly say I like what I see when I look in the mirror. There is nothing more beautiful than authenticity.
Monika: Did you ever feel pressure to meet a certain ideal of femininity, like I did by trying to look like the women around me?
Deanna: I really did not feel that type of pressure. My femininity comes very naturally to me, and from the moment I began the journey I never doubted who and what I am. There are things that I noticed I did that were inherently male, and I would look to other women to see what the feminine counterpart to those things might be.
Monika: Were there any small everyday behaviors that you became more conscious of during your social transition?
Deanna: An example would be the “what’s up” nod. Men, at least in this country, often give this slight, short head nod to each other in public situations. It is just a silent greeting. I realized early on in my social transition that I would get strange looks when I gave the “what’s up.” I now use a little wave in its place.
Monika: What about your voice? Was finding a feminine voice an important part of your transition?
Deanna: I have also struggled with my voice. I wanted to sound like any other woman. I love to sing and ruled out any vocal surgery very early on. I have always been adamant that no part of my transition should feel like I was performing. I for a long time thought that using a feminine voice would be performative. I have had several sessions of vocal therapy and am able to do an acceptable feminine voice. I do not always use it. My voice is the thing that clocks me most often, but it does not cause me the anxiety it has in the past.
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| "I have always been a bit of a loner." |
Monika: What was the most surprising part of your transition, something you never expected, whether good or bad?
Deanna: I had fully researched what would happen to my body with hormone replacement, so I was aware of the changes to expect. I think what surprised me about the medical side was the level of change, or maybe the thrill of living those changes; the euphoria. I knew my skin would get softer; I knew orgasms would be different; I knew my body would smell different; etc., but “WOW,” I had no idea how amazing all those things would feel.
I do have to say, though, the best surprise for me was how it would change my life in a positive manner. I had always thought that transition would mean I would need to hide as much as possible; the opposite happened with me. My transition unleashed a confidence in myself I never anticipated. I walk out the door every morning with my head held high. I am seen, and that is the most amazing thing I have ever experienced.
Deanna: I had fully researched what would happen to my body with hormone replacement, so I was aware of the changes to expect. I think what surprised me about the medical side was the level of change, or maybe the thrill of living those changes; the euphoria. I knew my skin would get softer; I knew orgasms would be different; I knew my body would smell different; etc., but “WOW,” I had no idea how amazing all those things would feel.
I do have to say, though, the best surprise for me was how it would change my life in a positive manner. I had always thought that transition would mean I would need to hide as much as possible; the opposite happened with me. My transition unleashed a confidence in myself I never anticipated. I walk out the door every morning with my head held high. I am seen, and that is the most amazing thing I have ever experienced.
Monika: For a lot of trans girls, loneliness can become a part of life. Did you ever feel that, or were you lucky enough to avoid it?
Deanna: I have always been a bit of a loner. Not necessarily lonely, but just someone who values and enjoys alone time. I think I am very lucky that has not really changed for me during/after transition. I do believe in some ways it is much easier to transition in later life. I didn’t have to deal with many family issues, I was single with no children, and I was aware of where my friends stood politically. I honestly never had to deal with being cut off or isolated from the people I care about. I am grateful because I know that is not everyone’s story. This makes it so much more important that people like us are seen and heard. Your interview project is just an amazing endeavor and no doubt offers inspiration to so many that might be feeling that isolation.
Monika: Many trans women are writing their memoirs these days, and you've already taken that step with Aunt Joan's Cabin. What made you decide the time was right to gather your journal entries into a book, and what do you hope readers, trans or not, take away from it?
Deanna: My closest friends were aware when I had started HRT, but most of my acquaintances had no idea before I made a declaration of social transition about ten months later. I was moved by the questions I got during this time, and a bit surprised at some of the misinformation they believed. Many assumed I was in for a life of sadness and despair.
I had always journaled and one day decided to share one of my entries on social media. The reaction was very positive, and I continued to share as a way of giving my friends insight into what my life was really like in transition. My therapist, who was very familiar with my journal, began encouraging me to “do something” with my writing, as they thought it might help some people, trans and cis. I have been very fortunate to have an amazing transition experience. My hope is that anyone who reads my book will find joy. Trans people are just that, people. I hope readers find that we are all just trying to live the best life that we can and that a little grace can go a long way.
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| Available via Amazon. |
Monika: Your book's title nods to "Aunt Joan's Cabin." Is there a story behind that name, and behind the "cabin" as a symbol for the journey you write about?
Deanna: I love that people see different things in the title. The title was derived from Harriet Beecher Stowe’s best-selling 1852 novel Uncle Tom's Cabin. The anti-slavery novel is considered by some as the catalyst that started the American Civil War. The novel was written as a call for abolition. Despite the good intentions of the novel, the character of “Uncle Tom” has overshadowed it as representing a negative stereotype; an excessively subservient slave who has “sold out” to his white oppressors. This stereotype was made worse by the many theatrical presentations based on the work that used the racial minstrel show approach in presentation.
Monika: So how did "Aunt Joan" enter the story?
Deanna: The title came to me from a session with my therapist. I was a member of a trans support group and often found myself as the positive one in the group. During one meeting, a young trans woman shared that she was struggling with her parents’ acceptance of her. Many members of the group immediately advocated for her to cut her parents out of her life and not look back. When I spoke, I encouraged her to consider if she wanted to maintain a relationship with her parents and, if so, it was okay to give them time and grace.
Monika: What did you feel was important for her to hear in that situation?
Deanna: I fully believe that those people in our lives have a right to grieve that their friend or loved one is not who/what they thought they were. Some just need time to process letting that person they thought they knew go. I also shared with her that she should not stick around if the situation was abusive, but it was fine to give them the time they might need to accept her.
Because of my advice, I suddenly found myself feeling like a traitor to the group. When I was speaking to my therapist about it, I made the statement, “I don’t want to be an “Uncle Tom” of the trans community . . . I guess I wouldn’t be “Uncle Tom” … I’d be “Aunt Joan.” My therapist thought that was hilarious. I think I said “Joan” because of the actress, Joan Crawford, who never dropped her persona of the perfect movie star regardless of the circumstances.
Monika: The idea of grace seems to be an important part of your outlook. Has that shaped the way you approached your own transition?
Deanna: When I transitioned, I decided I would never surrender my joy. Knowing that most people are inclined to be kind, I make every effort to show grace. I think there are some in our community who’d rather me be a lot angrier about some of the situations we all find ourselves in daily. I do get angry, and I am no one’s doormat, but I believe grace is often a great place to begin. Joy is rebellion.
Monika: Finally, what's next for Deanna? What dreams and goals are you working toward now?
Deanna: I am not sure what’s next. I have a dream of maybe creating some sort of stage presentation with the book. Perhaps reading some passages and answering questions, or even something more traditionally theatre-like, such as a one-woman show. I want to continue my work with med students and love being a small part of their training. I need to return to my coaching work and get that going for anyone that might need it. Mainly, I’d like to continue to be seen and be a positive influence in the world. Everyone needs to find their joy.
END OF PART 3
All photos: courtesy of Deanna Haynes.
© 2026 - Monika Kowalska
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