Monika: What has transition taught you about relationships that you could never have learned while you were still
hiding?
Jamie: What I have learned is that intimacy and a strong relationship require a person to be open to others. If you
let fear of loss stop you from fully sharing your feelings with others, you will never achieve a satisfactory
relationship. While being totally open is no guarantee of a great relationship, it definitely will not be complete
without it.
Monika: You spent decades as an executive in health care. Did that professional life teach you anything that later
helped you navigate transition, or did becoming Jamie require throwing the executive's handbook completely out the
window?
Jamie: My professional career was focused on strategic planning and marketing. While my skill set definitely aided
me in “planning” my transition, my experience as the owner and operator of my home health agency absolutely helped
me navigate my transition. It was there, when I listened to and shared with my caregivers, that I learned that
openness with others and exposing yourself to rejection were necessary to create relationships with others. These
skills were definitely needed in navigating my transition.
Monika: One thing I find fascinating about late transition is that people sometimes assume that someone who
transitions at seventy must have “suddenly discovered” they were transgender. What do you wish people understood
about the difference between discovering your identity and finally allowing yourself to live it?
Jamie: I knew I was transgender, but refused to accept I was. My discovery was that I would continue to live a life
of regret if I didn’t at least explore my feelings. Each step I took needed to validate my decision before I took my
next step. I wanted to be who I knew I was. It was a slow process and especially slow for a 70-plus-year-old.
Monika: Did you ever wonder whether you had waited too long?
Jamie: I don’t wonder about this question. I know I waited too long! But even though I did transition late in life,
I accept everything about my journey. It has made me who I am. And I like HER! I have no chance of “passing,”
whatever that means. But every step on my journey has been my choice. So there are no regrets there!
Monika: Your memoir is called
Seventy Years Before She Spoke. Writing a memoir means opening some very private drawers and letting strangers look inside. Was there anything
you almost left out because it felt too vulnerable, too embarrassing, or simply too painful?
Jamie: Yes. I highlighted something that happened with my deceased wife while we were married. I debated about
sharing this information because only four or five individuals were aware of it. But I felt that I wouldn’t be
honest if I didn’t mention it, that it would continue the cycle of secrecy and hiding that I am breaking from. I
have received some negative responses to including it in the memoir. But I feel that they are missing the point I
was trying to make about the negative impact I had on the loved ones around me by hiding my “true self.”
Monika: While writing the book, did you discover anything about your younger self that surprised you?
Jamie: This is an interesting question. And yes, I did discover something about myself. I thought that fear of loss
controlled my thoughts and actions. And it did. But as I looked over my past life, I realized how fearless at times
I was and didn’t even recognize it. Playing Whiffleball with my friends while wearing my mom’s undergarments was
definitely fearless. Some would say this was foolish, but I now see it as being my first steps in living fearlessly.
Monika: Was there a particular chapter or memory that made you stop writing for a while and simply sit with what
you had uncovered?
Jamie: I took some time to reflect on the last two chapters of the memoir. On reflection, I realized my transgender
journey was really a voyage of discovery. I realized that I am who I am because of my imperfections, my
achievements, my fears, and my struggles. My previous seventy years set the groundwork for Jamie and were just a
prelude to the best years of my life. Regretting any part of my previous life would only lead me to question my
current and future life.
|
|
“My previous seventy years
set the groundwork for Jamie.” |
Monika: Your book is not only about transition. It is also about identity, resilience, fear, relationships, and
finally authenticity. What do you hope a reader who has never experienced gender dysphoria will take away from it?
Jamie: My book is not only a memoir. A large part of my memoir provides background information on various medical
and theoretical aspects of gender. Another section discusses some history of societal acceptance or rejection of
transgender individuals. Both of these sections provide the background that all transgender and non-binary
individuals face as they come to terms with their identity. It shows that, in the long arc of history, transgender
individuals have always existed and will continue to exist. It also shows that society has nothing to fear from the
acceptance of non-binary and transgender individuals. As President Franklin D. Roosevelt said: “The only thing we
have to fear is fear itself.”
Monika: And what would you most like a transgender person who is still hiding, especially someone who thinks they
are “too old,” to hear from you?
Jamie: The quote in the previous question says everything! I let most of my life be guided by fear, especially the
fear of loss. Since I let fear go, life has been full of possibility. I, and you, get to choose what to be. It may
not go smoothly, but it will be yours and not what you think society expects of you. It is never too late!
Monika: You say, “It’s never too late to arrive at yourself.” Has arriving at yourself turned out to be what you
expected, or has the destination been completely different from what you imagined?
Jamie: I really didn’t have an expectation of how life would be. I approached my transition cautiously and slowly,
and I was prepared to stop transitioning if I felt I was going in the wrong direction. I trusted my instincts. But
each step brought me inner peace and acceptance, which I didn’t have before. Each day I wake up, I have an
opportunity to do something new, to be who I actually am: a vibrant, joyful woman!
Monika: Is there something wonderfully ordinary about womanhood that you appreciate now precisely because you
spent so many years believing you could never experience it?
Jamie: This is a wonderful question! The answer is a simple one: clothes! Rather, it should be finding and wearing
the perfect outfit for important occasions. And having makeup that adds to my presentation. Given my decidedly
unfeminine profile, this is a particular issue. But now I understand how important a fabulous outfit can be in
making you feel!
Monika: Who were the people, writers, transgender women, or other role models who helped you realize that a
different life was possible?
Jamie: During my therapy sessions, I read a lot of books, both memoirs and academic works, about transgender people.
I could list a lot of writers who provided invaluable insight into transgender issues. In fact, I do mention many at
the end of my memoir. But the most impactful for me was the television show
Pose
. This show depicted the day-to-day life of queer and transgender youth trying to exist in New York City. This show
was impactful because it showed me that life wasn’t radically different from the life I knew. They experienced the
same fears, the same disappointments, and the same victories that I experienced. The television series showed that
living authentically is not only possible but life-affirming, even with the increasing negative rhetoric toward
non-binary and transgender individuals.
Monika: You now have the unusual perspective of having lived for seventy years before transitioning and then
experiencing life as an openly transgender woman. What can Jamie today see about gender, identity, and society
that the person you were thirty or forty years ago simply couldn't?
Jamie: I constantly worried about the opinions of others toward me. In transitioning, I realized that my needs, my
hopes, my dreams, and my fears hardly had an impact on those around me. They were living their lives. They weren’t
concerned about mine. Yes, they may say something negative or inappropriate about or toward me, and then they move
on. I realize many of my brothers and sisters have suffered far worse: some have been rejected by family, some are
living on the street, and some have been physically assaulted or murdered. And these outcomes break my heart,
especially since I may have suffered these consequences if I had transitioned earlier. But the fear of being
rejected and losing my family led me to build my own prison, the house with no windows.
Thirty or forty years ago, I suppressed who I was. I didn’t even know who I was. Opening myself up to understand my
feelings about who I was was the major step I took in coming to terms with my identity. But this is crucial for all
individuals: cisgender, transgender, non-binary, homosexual, bisexual, heterosexual, white, brown, black. Everyone!
This is what I wish for all.
Monika: Thank you so much, Jamie, for your vulnerability, your wisdom, and for sharing your beautiful journey with
us today.
END OF PART 2
All photos: courtesy of Jamie DeCoursey.
© 2026 - Monika Kowalska
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