Monika: Your name has a particularly unusual history. Your parents had chosen "Laurie Lee" as the name you
would have been given if you had been born a girl. When did you first learn that story, and what did that name
eventually come to mean to you?
Laurie Lee: As a transgender woman, I've had my name since I was seven, which seems unusual. Many of our colleagues
go through extensive exploration to settle on the name that best suits them. I have no idea why my mom told me
I was Laurie Lee at that young age, but by then I had already formed my female identity and suddenly knew my
real name. I carried it inside me for forty-five years before revealing to my parents that I would live by the
name they had chosen for me. I think honoring their choice softened the impact of my coming out to them.
Monika: When you came out, did your mother embrace you as her daughter? And do you feel any connection to her
in the way you look, carry yourself, or even in your style and mannerisms?
Laurie Lee: It has been so affirming to receive daughter-designed birthday and holiday cards from my mom. I spent
several weeks with my parents in 2017 after I began living full-time as Laurie Lee. They took me to their
doctors' and lawyers' appointments as we organized their healthcare and end-of-life documents. In each case,
they introduced me as their oldest daughter. It was incredibly sweet. I realize not everyone has that privilege.
Monika: Many of us feel the pressure to "pass" as women, and even after surgeries, society keeps judging us.
How do you personally deal with the outside world's expectations?
Laurie Lee: I certainly felt that too, especially early in my transition, which for me began at age fifty-five. I
learned the importance of avoiding a focus on younger trans women's ability to pass, or on the societal beauty
standards imposed on all women. Instead, I tried to focus on the appearance and dress of everyday women in my
age group. Now sixty-five, I am very comfortable in public, wearing little to no makeup or jewelry, and in
casual clothing that suits my life stage. I came to realize that acceptance from others seemed much greater once
I more fully accepted and felt confident in my own presentation, with the face and body life has granted me.
Monika: What are your thoughts on the current situation for transgender women in your country?
Laurie Lee: Life in the U.S. right now is an absolute mess, given the overarching corruption crisis this nation
faces. So many communities, including racial and gender minorities, are being targeted as enemies of the state
and blamed for the country's problems. Social progress made in recent years has been swept away, and I fear it
may take a generation to restore. For example, I held a U.S. passport for ten years with a female gender marker,
which the current State Department intentionally replaced, declaring me male. There are real threats of complete
legal erasure of our identities if these conditions do not change.
|
|
"There are real threats of complete
legal erasure of our identities." |
Monika: I remember the time right after my own transition, it was pure euphoria. My closet is still full of
dresses and shoes that I literally bought by the dozens back then, and I must have tried on hundreds. I felt
like I had to make up for all those years that were taken from me. Did you feel the same way?
Laurie Lee: Gender euphoria is real, and just as emotionally powerful as dysphoria. Early in my transition, I was
underemployed, so big shopping trips were out, but thrifting was both fun and affordable. I wasn't very
knowledgeable, though. Thankfully, Nancy serves as my haberdasher, and my look is all thanks to her.
Monika: Did you ever feel pressure to meet a certain ideal of femininity, as I did by trying to look like the
women around me?
Laurie Lee: As I mentioned, I think the healthiest thing I did was shift my focus to "the women around me." Being
realistic about my expectations of myself was critical to finding peace and living happily.
Monika: What was the most surprising part of your transition, something you never expected, whether good or
bad?
Laurie Lee: It's just how completely right it feels to wake up every morning as me, no longer having to decide how
to present myself, no longer moving about in fear of being discovered as pretending to be something I wasn't.
All those years spent in denial and anxiety are a distant past now. Life feels like finally breathing oxygen in
full sunlight after living for years underwater, in the cold, with ill-fitting gills.
Monika: Despite everything that happened, you did not simply discard your Mormon faith. What elements of
Mormonism have remained important to you, and what parts of your relationship with the Church have changed
permanently?
Laurie Lee: I know many people who have left the LDS Church for various reasons. I find it sad that some who lost
confidence in the institutional church walked away from all aspects of their faith, both the good and the bad.
I sense that, ironically, the organized church sometimes sets itself up as a kind of golden calf, creating an
idolatrous situation in which deep trust in God, or a higher power, call it what you will, cannot develop.
In my case, I have maintained my trust in a higher power and my hope for life and progression beyond this life,
with meaningful, intense, loving relationships beyond our present ability to imagine. I have left behind any
sense of the dogmatic, exclusive practices that burden present-day Mormonism. Instead, I believe in radical,
inclusive love, kindness, and acceptance.
Monika: Do you remember the first time you met a transgender woman in person? What was that experience like,
and how did it make you feel?
Laurie Lee: In 2011, I joined an email support group that introduced me to several trans women, mostly married with
children, who were pre-transition, as I was at the time. One day, a girlfriend from out of state was going to be
in Utah for business, and we decided to meet for lunch, both still presenting as male. Suddenly, the community
became visible and tangible, and we weren't alone on our journey. From then on, I saw gathering together as
vital.
|
| "I saw gathering together as vital." |
Monika: You have since become active in Affirmation and received the Paul Mortensen Award in 2023 as its
first transgender recipient. What does LGBTQ advocacy within a Mormon context mean to you today?
Laurie Lee: I alluded earlier to the LDS Church's doubling down on restrictions on its transgender members. The
Church now excludes those who have "transitioned away from their biological sex at birth" from most forms of
religious activity or service, even limiting restroom use. There are those, as I once was, who are coming to
terms with their gender identity while still participating as church members. Adults, and especially young
people in LDS families, are forced to reconcile who they are with their faith community.
For all of them, and
for the many who leave the Mormon community, Affirmation, with nearly fifty years of advocacy at the LDS-LGBTQ
intersection, provides a safe place to land, heal, share, and be authentic. I am a contributing author to a
soon-to-be-published book on the history of Affirmation LGBTQ Mormons Families and Friends. My chapter draws on
a series of oral history interviews I conducted, giving voice to the transgender and nonbinary community's
experience within Affirmation over the past twenty-five years.
Monika: Your story includes not only losing relationships but also finding new ones, including your
partnership with Nancy Beaman. What did entering a new relationship teach you about the difference between
being loved for the person others expect you to be and being loved as the person you actually are?
Laurie Lee: I relate to the biblical story of Job, who lost everything, including his relationships, yet eventually
received a hundred times more. Until I transitioned and began forming friendships to replace those who had
turned away from me, especially after meeting and building a life with Nancy, I had no idea how remarkable it
would feel to be seen, accepted, and truly loved for who I am. I see how fragile and impermanent relationships
were when they were based on my pretense of identity, or on the ways my previous life might have benefited
someone else. This is another amazing discovery of living authentically.
Monika: Your longtime workplace assistant knew you were transgender before you came out publicly and quietly
supported you for years. What did that discovery tell you about how much other people sometimes understand
about us before we realize they do?
Laurie Lee: Her revelation totally floored me. She had done so much behind the scenes, in secret, to protect me. I
was so naive, thinking everything was going well at work; so much of it was her doing. There was enormous love
in the way she cared for me. We often harrow ourselves over imaginary worst-case scenarios about what might
happen if we came out to someone we care about. It's almost never as bad as we might suppose. For those who
really care about us, it can reveal so much about them. As my little sister told me about our parents, "They
deserve the chance to love who you really are."
|
|
"It was clear the day would come when
the conflict would reach its climax." |
Monika: You also narrated the audiobook yourself. Was there a difference between writing certain memories on
a page and actually having to hear yourself say them aloud?
Laurie Lee: I processed a wide range of grief and trauma while writing the original manuscript. It was a necessary,
difficult process, but deeply beneficial to my growth. Narrating those words as they flowed from me was
affirming, and a total blast. I wish I could feel that repeatedly. More importantly, I learned that the
audiobook is a powerful tool for accessibility. Some family members with dyslexia might never have read the
book, but they listened to the audiobook and expressed much greater appreciation for my story. I have also
received lovely notes from readers who are blind or have low vision, and they have left me deeply touched.
Monika: Your memoir has now been read by people who are transgender, Mormon, religious, non-religious,
parents, children, and people dealing with completely different personal struggles. Has there been a response
from a reader that particularly surprised you?
Laurie Lee: Yes, too many to mention. The most frequent reader comments have come from moms of transgender or
nonbinary youth who, when they started my book, feared for their trans child's safety in the world. Many
describe finding relief and hope as they process my story in light of their own circumstances. Often, readers
with no similar transgender or religious challenges describe the benefits they found by applying lessons from
my journey to their own situations.
Monika: You are still an architect, but your work now exists outside the institution where you spent such a
significant part of your professional life. Has becoming Laurie changed the architect you are?
Laurie Lee: I am a licensed architect in Utah and Kentucky, operating a sole proprietorship that serves select
clients in both states. It has been a great joy to practice my craft authentically as Laurie Lee. I'll share the
story of being hired as a consultant by our very conservative county government here in Kentucky. I served on
several building committees and, on occasion, made formal presentations to the County Fiscal Court, composed of
nine magistrates, all mature white men. They accepted me as the experienced professional I am, without judgment
or concern about my gender or presentation. It was a thoroughly affirming experience.
Monika: Finally, what's next for Laurie? What dreams and goals are you working toward now?
Laurie Lee: Nancy and I are planning to travel and keep seeing family. I continue to write essays for various
magazines and journals. In addition to the Affirmation book, I contributed a piece to a soon-to-be-published
anthology,
The Book of Women
, which will feature the stories of twenty-seven diverse women who have left and healed from Mormonism. I am
always on the lookout for opportunities to speak publicly and advocate for our community, as long as my voice
holds out.
END OF PART 2
All photos: courtesy of Laurie Lee Hall.
© 2026 - Monika Kowalska
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