Interview with Aleana Robins - Part 2

Monika: Some transgender women take on public roles in activism or politics, while others focus on quieter but equally impactful forms of advocacy. How do you personally engage with change-making or community involvement? 

Aleana: I really don’t get into politics. I pay attention, and I raise my voice when needed, but activism isn’t really my bag of beans. I spend my time raising my children to be good members of the community. I feel I can influence the world directly by first being a good parent. My father once said, “Make sure your own house is in order before worrying about others.” I took that to heart, and it’s the guiding principle in how I try to shape the world around me, starting with my family.

Monika: That’s beautiful. Could you share a bit more about how your role as a parent has allowed you to create a more inclusive environment?

Aleana: While I share custody with my ex on a 50/50 basis, I make sure to be at school every day, to say good morning and to be there when the day ends, just to make sure they had a good day. I talk often with their teachers because I believe small changes in education are more sustainable than sweeping ones. I expose my children to all kinds of communities, LGBT+ and beyond, as well as to multicultural environments. Raising compassionate, open-minded children is one of the most powerful contributions I feel I can make to society.

Monika: In your view, do you think transgender women can help shape the political landscape?

Aleana: Simple: yes. Some people are very good at it, and it doesn’t matter what gender they are. Trans women can absolutely bring valuable perspectives and leadership to the political arena. What matters most is passion, integrity, and a drive to serve others with honesty.
Monika: Many women find fashion to be an expression of identity and emotion. Has your relationship with clothes changed since your transition? What styles or colors do you feel most drawn to now?

Aleana: Gosh, I’m really bad! One of my close girlfriends regularly points out that I’m such a femme, and she’s absolutely right. I have to admit, I’m a girly girl. Allen was a “black or black” type of person; there was only one color in his wardrobe, and that was black. Now, I love being able to wear colors and embrace how they make me feel, it’s one of the best parts of living authentically.

Monika: That sounds joyful! Are there any fashion choices you avoid, or particular trends you’ve tried and loved (or regretted)?

Aleana: Yellow is definitely a no-go zone, as I found out the hard way, someone should have told that to 17-year-old Allen a long time ago! As for trends, well, I’m in my 40s… trends? Haha! I do try to avoid clothes that make me stand out too much, but I sometimes get suckered into vibrant colors and bold patterns. Once I came out of the shadows, I felt free to enjoy the colors of life, and I’m not going to stop anytime soon. RED… mmmm. lol.
Monika: Some say that the contraceptive pill played a major role in liberating cisgender women, while advances in cosmetic surgery have done the same for transgender women, giving them freedom from the pressure to "pass." Do you think gender-affirming procedures have truly set us free, or are there still invisible chains?

Aleana: No, the trans community is still a prisoner to so many different issues. I think the passing/non-passing issue is only the tip of the iceberg. A case in point is the belief that some of us must undergo facial surgeries, vocal surgery, and the like just to be accepted, no matter the risks. When you look at cis women, they come in all shapes, sizes, and levels of beauty. The more we accept the media's classification of beauty, the more we become slaves to it. Yes, I agree that you have the right to shape your body according to your own sense of beauty. But where does it end? And by doing so, are we teaching young women that to be beautiful, they must conform? Freedom, I believe, begins with how we view ourselves, not just how others see us.

Aleana with Son H.

Monika: Let’s talk about love, both romantic and beyond. In what ways has love shaped your everyday life and sense of purpose?

Aleana: Well, this is the can-of-worms question, lol. Let’s start off with the fact that I am very much in love with being a parent to my children and being involved in their lives. They are my world, and I show them in every way that they are loved and cared for. I’ve learned from experience that love for your children can make or break their childhood. There’s something incredibly grounding about that kind of love, it gives you direction even in the stormiest moments.

Monika: How has your experience of romantic love changed over time, especially after your marriage?

Aleana: I was married for 14 years to the mother of our last three children, with whom I share equal custody. When it ended, I felt a loss that shattered all my ideals about the term “true love.” In the last few years, I’ve had the chance to reflect on what love really means to me. I started to explore what I needed in a partner and tried to separate that from what I simply wanted. I also spent time examining how often people confuse lust with love. That clarity helped me rebuild my sense of self and set better expectations for future relationships.

Monika: How has being a transgender woman affected your dating life and your approach to new relationships?

Aleana: I would like to touch on something that is a real fact for the trans community, that finding relationships is incredibly hard and, in a way, feels very new. You see, I am still attracted to women, and I honestly have no clue how to approach them, let alone who I can approach. So now, I’m hanging back and seeing what time unfolds. It’s a whole new world of dating women who are attracted to women. The uncertainty can be frustrating, but I try to stay hopeful that the right person will come along in time.

Monika: What about relationships with men, either for yourself or your friends? Do you feel there are different risks?

Aleana: You have others, like a friend of mine, who are attracted to men. There are a huge number of unforeseen risks there, some that women have been dealing with since the dawn of time. But I would also like to stress to everyone: there is no excuse for abuse! Don’t accept it and think it will change. It doesn’t. Believe me, I’ve learned. Every person deserves to feel safe, respected, and loved exactly as they are.
Monika: What exciting creative or personal projects are you currently pouring your energy into?

Aleana: Oh gosh, yes. I’m working on about three books at the same time. I would have never thought I’d become a writer, after all, I’m dyslexic. I’d be lost without my editor (I hope she doesn’t kill me for not giving this to her first, lol). I’m hoping to have my second book, Leaves, published by the end of the year. This is the first book I’m not writing in front of the world; it’s a bit top-secret until it’s out. Writing has become a surprising passion that keeps opening new doors for me.

Monika: That’s wonderful! And beyond writing, are there any personal decisions or life changes you’re currently working through?

Aleana: My second book is a cookbook. I know it sounds funny, and if you knew my mother, she had a very hard time cooking. Microwaves were the biggest blessing growing up, thanks, Dad! I learned a lot about cooking and some wonderful meals that my kids have grown to love. Well, I said to the world if that nutter called Trump becomes president, I’m quitting. So, I’ve started my application to become an Australian citizen. I’ve had it, too many people are ignoring the warning signs over there. On top of that, Australia has been very good to me. I need to pay it back by being able to vote. It feels like I’m not just building a future, I’m choosing where my voice matters most.

 

Aleana with Son G.

Monika: What advice would you give to transgender girls who are feeling overwhelmed by gender dysphoria and struggling to stay grounded in daily life?

Aleana: When times get hard, and we both know they will, learn to ground yourself and then learn how to take ten minutes to center your energies. Then take one night a week to have a relaxing bath with nice music, bubbles, candles, and just pamper yourself. Just take the time to reflect on nothing but your physical needs. I find that once my physical needs are reset, I can then start to reflect on life-based issues and see a clearer path and solution. Caring for your body, even in small ways, can become a quiet rebellion against the chaos of dysphoria.

Monika: How did you discover the importance of grounding, and who helped you along the way?

Aleana: I was very lucky to have a brother from another mother who is an expert in helping others. He saw my need for grounding and worked very hard to teach me how to do it, and to show me the benefits. Ever since, I’ve been able to reset when I need it most. Yes, I still have dysphoric times, and that can’t be avoided, but I now have the power to keep them from shutting my world down. Learning this skill gave me back a sense of control I didn’t think was possible.
Monika: Gina Grahame once told me that we shouldn’t limit our potential based on how we were born, or by the path others in the transgender community have taken. She said our dreams don’t end on the operating table, they begin there. How do you feel about the idea that transitioning is just the start of something greater?

Aleana: I think I would like to expand upon her thoughts. This past year, I took time to study Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs. I began to reflect more on my needs rather than my wants, and once those were met, I started to understand the true importance of life. I began to see the blessings that surround me every day. Sometimes, it takes stepping back from our personal journeys to recognize how much potential we truly carry forward.

Monika: How have acts of kindness and community work helped you grow beyond the struggles you’ve faced?

Aleana: After my children and I fled domestic violence, we gave our time to do a bread run. What a bread run is, is taking leftover bread from a local bakery and giving it to people who are doing it a bit tough. I found that this not only allowed us to grow as a family, but it also helped us see that our problems weren't as big as they seemed. We did it for a year, and we saw so many faces shine with love in response to our acts of kindness. What made it even more special was that I’m trans, and I cared for people without expecting anything in return. Giving with no conditions opened a healing door in both my heart and theirs.

Monika: Can you tell me more about sharing your story with wider audiences? 

Aleana: A friend once asked if I might be willing to take my experiences to a broader audience. I was invited to join the Human Library project. I’ve been so blessed to speak to others about my life and about being a trans woman, to people who might never otherwise have met someone like me. Each conversation I have reminds me how powerful stories can be in breaking down fear and ignorance.

Monika: What inspired you to start writing, and how has that shaped your journey?

Aleana: I started my blog about three years ago as a way to make money. But as I kept writing, I began to realize that maybe it’s better to give away information about being trans. Once I focused on giving to others, my entire outlook on life shifted. Writing became more than a tool, it became a gift I could offer the world.

Monika: Aleana, thank you for the interview!

Aleana: You’re more than welcome.

END OF PART 2

Back to PART 1

 

All photos: courtesy of Aleana Robins.

© 2017 - Monika Kowalska

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