Monika: Do you remember the first time you saw a trans woman on TV or met one in real life that helped you realize, “That’s me!”?
Alice: Oh god. Given how transphobic the average representation was on television growing up, I’m not entirely sure. Although I do remember watching episodes of shows where characters gender-swapped with fascination. I watched them, wishing I could do that too. I also admired women characters in movies far more often than I ever did the men. I wanted to be like them growing up.
I do, however, remember meeting some trans women in my early 20s in NYC, and that sort of sparked an initial reaction in me. I remember this transphobic white cis gay man, and I became instantly defensive of the trans girls he was being transphobic toward in a conversation. I thought my anger was purely against his bigotry, but I later realized it was also a defense of my own identity being dehumanized by this guy.
Then, a few years later, I landed on Stef Sanjati’s videos on YouTube, and that lightbulb moment finally arrived. She and a few other trans women online were telling their stories, and I kept identifying with what they were saying, feeling similar things about my childhood as they did: the struggles with growing up and facing the wrong puberty. Up until that point, I thought every cis guy felt the way I did, the distress from the wrong puberty, the envy of the girls around me, and the deep, unshakable feeling that something about who I was just didn’t fit the life I was living.
Monika: Many of us feel the pressure to “pass” as women, and even after surgeries, society keeps judging us. How do you personally deal with the outside world’s expectations?
Alice: So this can be a nuanced one. In an ideal world, none of us should have to pass. That pressure is toxic, out of reach for most of us (financially, medically, or legally), and based on colonial beauty standards. And tons of cis people don’t pass themselves under these stringent standards.
However, I’m also privileged enough where I do pass in most circumstances, and I completely understand the need for safety for trans people that passing allows. I underwent surgeries myself and do feel that added safety as a result since I’m not as scrutinized as some trans people can be.
Given all of this, I personally have come to terms with these expectations. I don’t care if something about me doesn’t quite fit what they view as “womanly.” I like who I am. And the things I want are for myself and not for others. I won’t change myself for the views of society. Any surgery, clothing, makeup, or other gender affirming care I get, is purely for me.
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| "In an ideal world, none of us should have to pass." |
Monika: What are your thoughts on the current situation for transgender women in your country? Do you think we are progressing, or does it feel like we’re moving backward?
Alice: Things are a mixed bag. On the one hand, there was a lot of progress in the last few years. But given the US is our neighbour, we’ve also regressed in the same way. Opportunistic politicians have taken up the Republican and Tory playbook over here. Alberta and Saskatchewan play the same vile game of using trans people, hurting us, and especially hurting kids, as a target so that they don’t end up fixing their issues. And Quebec is on the verge of doing a similar thing to the Cass review too with their committee on gender identity made up of only cis people, including one notorious transphobe. They’ve met with transphobic groups, and I’ve yet to hear of any of our 2SLGBTQIA+ groups having met with them, just to give you an idea.
Monika: Many detransitioners share stories of regret, often feeling that they rushed into transition or were influenced by external pressures, sometimes blaming the medical system for not guiding them more carefully. While their experiences are valid and deserve compassion, it’s also frustrating when their narratives are weaponized against transgender people who are happy with their transition. How do you feel about the way detransitioners are portrayed in public discourse, and do you think their experiences should influence how gender-affirming care is approached?
Alice: That depends. Detransitioners need and deserve support and care. Just as much as we do as trans people. Where the line should be, is when some grifters use their detransition to try to advocate on behalf of restricting or banning trans care. Those ones are not trans, so they shouldn’t have a say on trans healthcare. In the same way that I, as a trans woman, shouldn’t speak on behalf of detransitioners. It’s hypocritical.
On top of that, detransition is incredibly rare. Most detransitioners, especially kids, tend to then identify as non-binary. Meaning a smaller percentage ends up actually being cis. And again, they should get the care they need. But when someone speaks against the care of a group who’s already marginalized, who face impossible roadblocks and gatekeeping to get their care, I find that incredibly vile. And make no mistake, they’re an incredibly small handful of people. It’s the reason we keep seeing the same ones over and over again. They get paid by conservative think tanks to travel and testify against trans healthcare across different countries.
Monika: How would you describe your personal style? Do you follow any specific fashion trends, or do you have go-to outfits that make you feel confident?
Alice: I go between 50s retro, 80s fashion, to a modern witchy alternative style. I have my own style that my wife greatly helped with through the last 3 years. I don’t really follow fashion trends on my end. I love what I love. I wear what feels and looks good to me. I do love a good jumpsuit if I’m completely honest, and I love layering.
Monika: Do you love playing around with makeup, or is it more of a “throw on the basics and go” kind of vibe for you?
Alice: A bit of both? I have my 5 minute “throw on and go” routine down to a tee. However, every now and then I’ll go through what I have and try things, especially when it comes to wanting to embody a role for a show or do a cosplay. Then I can spend some time playing around with looks and seeing what works and what doesn’t. It’s fun when I have the time to do that!
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| "I also always loved a certain type of strong woman who didn’t fit certain ideals of femininity." |
Monika: By the way, do you like being complimented on your looks? Do you find it easy to accept compliments, or do you struggle with believing them?
Alice: It wasn’t easy at first. You can ask my partner, she saw me doubt every single one of them in the early days. Now, however, I do believe them. I’ve come to appreciate that people see something in me and how I look. It feels good. Especially when it comes from other women and enby people. To me, that means a lot.
Monika: Did you ever feel pressure to meet a certain ideal of femininity, like I did by trying to look like the women around me?
Alice: I definitely felt some in the beginning. But I also always loved a certain type of strong woman who didn’t fit certain ideals of femininity. Women like Sigourney Weaver who was Ripley in Alien, or Sarah Connor from the Terminator franchise. I loved strong women and they often embodied some femininity, but also some masculinity. And that blend is what I loved the most in women. So when it came to my femininity, I aspired to be that rather than hyper feminine.
Monika: What was the most surprising part of your transition, something you never expected, whether good or bad?
Alice: I think I never expected to have people look up to me the way I looked up to other women (trans or cis). I became visible to help others who were in the closet feel like they were not alone as that was what helped me. However, I never thought I’d start seeing people reach out to me saying they admired me in some capacity. Or that my own journey helped them in their own acceptance and transition in some way. I think this gives me the greatest joy. To know that my visibility and advocacy has helped someone else. If I can give back in any way to this amazing community, then some women out there feeling like I helped them will be my way of doing that. And all the hardships that have come with my own journey will have been worth it. People deserve to be free and live authentically.
Monika: Many trans women are writing their memoirs these days. Have you ever thought about writing your own book, and if so, what would its central message be?
Alice: I have considered it. Perhaps one day if enough people would be interested in my story that way. In the meantime though, I have been writing my own plays which are based on my experience and do tell parts of my story on the stage. I wrote one two years ago called “Our Next Guest” on how the media tends to treat us as a debate and based on actual conversations I had with people. And my next one at this summer’s Fringe festival in Montreal is called “An Uncomfortable Dinner Party”. It deals with the interpersonal issues that come with being trans. It’s very much based on my own experience with friends and family who have been less accepting of me and my partner. Through my writings, the central message has always been in some way: live with empathy and choose yourself. Because despite what society may tell us of trans people, we are all worth it and worthy of love.
Monika: Finally, what’s next for Alice? What dreams and goals are you working toward now?
Alice: Oh boy is that THE question I guess. Apart from growing my platforms, I hope to do more speaking engagements to help people with trans acceptance. I’m also working towards trying to improve trans representation in media, but I hope to be a part of it by auditioning for plays and movies that want to portray a trans woman. As well as creating my own pieces centered around trans people and our lived experiences (especially trans joy). Through this all, I will of course be continuing my advocacy for as long as I’m needed so that we can keep improving access to gender affirming care, and improve social equality.
Monika: Alice, thank you so much for sharing your journey and insights.
Alice: Thank you so much for reaching out, Monika. I truly appreciate you platforming all these incredible trans women out there.
END OF PART 2
All photos: courtesy of Alice in Winterland.
© 2025 - Monika Kowalska
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