Monika: Was your family surprised by your transition? Did they accept it easily, or was it a challenge for them?
Ceecee: Define “transition.” I only really medically transitioned. Socially, I was never a “boy.” I have always been this way. I have always expressed what I am and never knew how to hide it or be different. Up until I was 12, my mother forced me to present a certain way, but I let it be known that it was forced. I never agreed, and my presentation didn’t mean that I ever participated in what “boys” did.
I began growing my hair out at 12 because, for some reason, my mother had decided 12 was the age I could do what I wanted with my hair, and so I did. Makeup started soon after, around the same time other girls did. I wore tight clothing that always looked feminine on me because I was tiny.
There were many things I missed out on in life because I refused to be on boys' teams, so I avoided it. Swimming was mandatory in my school, but I skipped all swimming classes from around age 11. I think my teacher understood it because she didn’t report me.
I have never had a male identity, I have never presented as a man, and I never participated in male society. So no, my family wasn’t surprised when I declared I was going to medically transition. My grandfather, an elder at his congregation and a very religious man, said “I’ve been waiting for this since she was 2 years old.” They all knew. I had only ever been one way, and none of them ever really treated me "like a boy.” I have been blessed with a family that loves me and accepts me. It was just a natural progression for them, not something out of the blue.
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| "I have never had a male identity, I have never presented as a man, I never participated in male society." |
Ceecee: That being said, my parents did not accept it easily. For most of my childhood and teens, my mother especially was deeply ashamed of me and often expressed she wished I was different. I didn’t feel comfortable at home until I was an adult. But luckily, it just goes to show that people change. My mother has joined me on stage to prevent other parents from making her mistakes and participates in events to support other parents of trans children. I’m not really sure how my dad felt about me as a kid. He didn’t express as much contempt for how I behaved as my mother did, and I have never feared his judgment the way I feared my mother’s. In any case, it doesn’t matter anymore. All that matters is the now.
Monika: Looking back, do you feel that hormone therapy fulfilled your expectations? Has it brought the changes you were hoping for?
Ceecee: This is a difficult question to answer. What were they supposed to do? It’s been so many years, I haven’t really thought about hormones for a very long time. But I do remember responding very well to them, both mentally and physically. They helped align my internal sense of self with my body in a way that finally brought me some peace.
Monika: You look like a million dollars, so I suspect this question might not apply to you personally, but I’m still curious about your perspective. So many of us feel like prisoners of the “passing” or “non-passing” syndrome. While cosmetic surgeries can help, society still tends to judge us harshly based on appearance. What’s your advice on how to cope with that pressure?
Ceecee: I can’t answer that in one simple answer. I have a lot of opinions about the topic. I’ll make sure to cover it on TikTok and/or my upcoming membership site. It’s a nuanced issue that deserves space for reflection, and I want to give it the thoughtful attention it truly needs.
Monika: Do you remember the first time you saw a transgender woman on TV, or the first time you met another transgender person in real life? I’m always curious about those early moments of recognition and what impact they leave on us.
Ceecee: On TV was one of those awful old talk shows where trans people were treated like monsters. In person? It was in Scotland at a restaurant with my family. My sister had died that year, so we went on a family holiday together to get away from everything. The waitress at this restaurant was trans, and I remember how kind my parents were to her and how respectfully they spoke of her. She was young, and they expressed admiration and hoped the world was kind to her. I thought, “Why can’t you think of me this way?" That moment stuck with me, not just because of her presence, but because it revealed how differently my parents viewed someone else's transness compared to mine.
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| "I think I’m pretty neutral on fashion. I have never cared about trends or anything like that." |
Monika: Are you passionate about fashion? What kinds of outfits do you usually go for, and are there any particular styles, colors, or trends that you feel best express who you are? I always love hearing what inspires someone’s personal aesthetic.
Ceecee: I think I’m pretty neutral on fashion. I have never cared about trends or anything like that. I am very into beauty, and clothes are an extension of that, but it’s all about what I like. I focus on what I believe makes me look my best.
I have a traditional hourglass shape, so I can’t wear anything oversize or with lines that are too straight. I immediately look like a frumpy old lady. If I’m wearing a dress (and I often am), it will be a bodycon or wiggle dress.
Occasionally I’ll wear a more “girly” dress, but I can’t veer from the overall shape. A-line dresses or dresses that are meant to hide rather than enhance my curves just look... awful on me haha! I SWEAR BY HIGH-WAISTED COTTON TWILL PANTS.
I do wear heels, but never more than medium height. I just don’t find sky-high heels very... elegant. Especially not for every day. I try to avoid any synthetic fabrics because my skin punishes me whenever I wear anything that isn’t natural fabrics, basically.
My color palette is generally very light: whites, pastels (mainly lavender and variations of pink, but also some blues), neutrals (creams and beiges), and florals… And red. God, I love red.
Monika: Do you like to experiment with your makeup looks, or do you prefer to stick with tried-and-true favorites? I’m always curious how others approach their beauty routines!
Ceecee: No, haha! I’m very much someone who sticks to what works for me. Contrary to what one might think, I wear very little makeup. I wear makeup nearly every day because I love it and I have my “look,” but it’s not a “heavy" look. I’m not sure I’ll ever stray too far from the makeup I do now. I have found something that I feel is ideal for me.
Monika: Just out of curiosity, do you enjoy receiving compliments about your looks, or does it ever feel a bit awkward?
Ceecee: I think any positivity that people decide to send my way is welcome and I am humbled that they would take the time. I don’t read too much into it. Still, it’s always nice to know that someone sees something lovely in you and chooses to say it out loud.
Monika: Are you active in your local LGBTQ community, or do you mostly engage online? I imagine the pandemic must have disrupted a lot of in-person connections.
Ceecee: I don’t really have a “base” right now, so no. I moved right before the pandemic and spent the past year and a couple of months in the countryside, isolated apart from my bubble, like everyone else. I try to do what I can online for trans and queer youth when they reach out to me. Once I settle somewhere, I will definitely be involved. Community means a lot to me, and I miss the energy that comes from real-life solidarity and shared experience.
Monika: Love takes many forms, romantic, platonic, familial, and self-love. Which kind of love has played the most meaningful role in your life, and why?
Ceecee: What kind of love? Self-love? The love between friends? Family? Lover? In any case, to love is to be connected and connection matters more to me than anything. Love, in all its forms, is what keeps me grounded and gives depth to everything I do.
Monika: Many transgender women decide to write memoirs to share their stories, struggles, and triumphs. Have you ever considered writing such a book yourself, and what might its focus be? I imagine your unique voice would resonate with a lot of readers.
Ceecee: I have and I am. On and off. Hahaha!
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| "I try to do what I can online for trans and queer youth when they reach out to me." |
Monika: With everything you're involved in, what are your next steps, both in the short term and over the next 5-7 years? Where do you see yourself heading?
Ceecee: I have ADHD, I can’t possibly answer this haha! Hmm... I am going to Amsterdam in a couple of days. I’ll be there working on my membership site until Christmas.
In the next 5 years, I hope to be back on the road, doing public speaking and connecting with people in person, sharing our trauma, recovery, and healing. Building friendships.
I am working on a “course” version of the philosophy I devised that helped me deal with my mental health and become a happier person, which I am excited to share. Basically, just making sense of life the best way I know how: by being of service. If I leave people with anything, I hope it’s more kindness, the ability to forgive, and... self-deprecation.
Ultimately, I see myself continuing to grow both personally and professionally while helping others do the same.
Monika: What advice would you give to transgender women who are afraid to transition, especially those who may be uncertain or scared about the process?
Ceecee: I can’t make broad generalized statements like that. Their fears might be perfectly valid. I would have to speak with them to understand their unique concerns and experiences. Everyone’s journey is different, and what might work for one person may not work for another.
Monika: My pen friend, Gina Grahame, once told me that we should never limit our potential based on how we were born or by comparing ourselves to other transgender people. She said our dreams shouldn’t end on the operating table but begin there. Do you agree with this perspective?
Ceecee: I do agree... except about the operating table part. Dreams should begin far before that. It’s important to focus on personal growth, self-acceptance, and vision long before any medical steps. Transitioning is a part of the journey, but it’s not the entire journey.
Monika: Ceecee, it was a pleasure to interview you. Thanks a lot!
Ceecee: You are very welcome. Thank you for having me!
END OF PART 2
All the photos: courtesy of Ceecee Jacobsen.
© 2021 - Monika Kowalska
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