Monika: Do you like fashion? What kind of outfits do you usually wear? Any special fashion designs, colors, or trends?
Cynthia: While I may not follow modern fashion trends - I have always been very keen on my appearance, and my outfits have always mirrored my personality, even before coming out as transgender.
Considering that I am an alternative model I would like to think that I make some kind of fashion statement with my outfits and looks in general, haha.
I basically wear whatever tickles my fancy and I feel reflects me and my mood for the day.
Most outfits that I wear are always black with some form of highlight color, be it in a print on, for example, a shirt or my accessories. I am quite fond of shiny materials, leather, PVC, and latex are some of my favorite materials and I do tend to wear them in some form whenever I have the chance to do so. Usually, I wear those materials for photoshoots, but on occasion, I wear them as daily wear too.
Other than that, I am a lover of corsets. I currently own a few of them and I feel that they can make or break a look. I also tend to wear a lot of jewelry, everything from rings to chokers and necklaces… I wear it all. Some of my friends even call me a “magpie” just because of the amount of shiny stuff I wear… haha.
Monika: How about hairstyles and make-up?
Cynthia: For my hair, I usually keep it simple and work with what I have. My everyday look these days is just me sweeping my bangs to my left side, covering most of the left side of my face. A friend of mine told me that due to me having a mix of blue/black hair currently, it looked like a blue flame on my left shoulder. To be honest, I am terrible at hair-styling as of writing this. Mainly because I had a lot of trouble back in the day to grow my hair, it never grew longer than my shoulders. Because of that, I see my hair as my “temple”, almost sacred in that regard and I know that if I fidget too much with it, it could potentially damage it and force me to cut it shorter than I am comfortable with.
Makeup-wise I try to experiment whenever I have the time to sit down and have fun with it. I am fairly new to proper makeup application still, but I would like to think that due to my extensive research and help from friends and makeup artists I know more than I would if I started with the “trial and error” method. I would, however, like to work more with it in order to maybe one day get a makeup artist certificate for myself.
Monika: Are you involved in the life of the local LGBTQ community?
Cynthia: I would like to say that I am, but I quite frankly can’t say how big the scene is where I live as I haven’t delved too deep into it myself. But I'd like to think that I have had some form of impact on local LGBT+ persons by being some form of inspiration to them by just being myself and not tolerating anyone who would ever go on the offensive towards the community. I am, however, currently in college, studying recreational leadership.
When I am done with my studies I hope that my expertise in LGBT+, in general, could help the local youth realize that LGBT+ is part of society and shouldn’t be seen as any different than anything that is within the norms of society. Hopefully, I could help younger LGBT+ people in some way, so they have someone to talk to about it or help those who may consider if they identify with LGBT+ or not.
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"Hopefully I could help younger LGBT+ people in some way." (Photo credit: Johan Nylén) |
Monika: Could you tell me about the importance of love in your life?
Cynthia: Personally - I have a hard time with love in general. While I see how much importance it has for people, how much it means and how it can last a lifetime between people, my own experiences with it have sadly tainted it for me. I won’t go into too much detail but I was in a toxic relationship with a person for ten years and those ten years left such marks on me that I have a hard time with love, trust, and compassion in that regard.
As for love to people who are close to you - I love my family, my friends, and my “cynners” and I wouldn’t be where I am today without them and their immense support.
Monika: Many transgender ladies write their memoirs. Have you ever thought about it?
Cynthia: I have tried keeping a journal/diary but I usually abandon it very shortly after starting it.
I would, however, like to see it as my work, my social media and such are my memoirs so to speak. I see those as a journal, a way for both myself, and others to take a look into my life and see my journey through this beautiful thing we call “life”. Everything from a simple text or a picture to a video is a thing that tells a story - The story of that person’s life.
Being the storyteller I am, I'd like to see all ways to document life as me telling my own story.
Monika: What is your next step in the present time and where do you see yourself within the next 5-7 years?
Cynthia: My next step is to finish my college studies, get more experience as a model and hopefully revive my musical career that has been put on hold for the time being. Ideally, I would have been able to get all of those done in the coming year or two. Another goal of mine is to move to a major city. My town has become barren and desolate and I feel that there is richer earth to till in a major city for this artist.
In 5-7 years… If everything goes according to plan, I would have moved towns, at least done a fair bit of modeling work (maybe even internationally), toured outside of Europe at least once, and helped inspire even more people over the world to be their best version of themselves.
Monika: What would you recommend to all transgender girls that are afraid of transition?
Cynthia: Fear is a part of the process, it’s something we all have to deal with - Transgender or not. I would say that while fear can be intimidating, horrifying, and scary, it is something that can also bring a lot of good things in life. My biggest fear before coming out as transgender was losing my family and friends because they’d never understand. I created all of these “what if” scenarios, I had many demons lurking within the darkest recesses of my mind and I was close to my breaking point.
Then one day I told myself “I am ready”. That very same day I told my parents, then just a few days later the whole world when I made a coming-out video.
Had I not had that fear, those gut-wrenching moments of pure terror - I wouldn’t have taken the plunge. That, in turn, means that I wouldn’t be sitting here, writing this.
Fear is one of our most primal feelings/emotions. We can’t escape it, but we can learn to face it and show that we are stronger than we sometimes give ourselves credit for.
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"Don’t let fear be in the way for you, living your life as you want to live it." (Photo credit: Helena Mattsson - Häxans Foton) |
What I would like to say to my fellow transgender girls out there, who may or may not take that plunge someday (not everyone has to and that is perfectly fine!) is; Don’t let fear be in the way for you, living your life as you want to live it. You get out of bed every day and face the world. If that’s not the true essence of bravery, I don’t know what is. You’re strong, unique and you deserve to be yourself and be happy.
Monika: My pen friend Gina Grahame wrote to me once that we should not limit our potential because of how we were born or by what we see other transsexuals and transgender people doing. Our dreams should not end on an operating table; that’s where they begin. Do you agree with this?
Cynthia: I understand where she is coming from - I do not agree entirely, as I’d like to think that our dreams start not on an operating table, but whenever we have started to find ourselves and who we truly are. Take me for example - I have yet to start any form of treatment as of writing this but I still see that my dreams have already started to show themselves to me, slowly but steadily.
Then, there is the whole discussion of transgender people who never go through any form of surgery to help with their gender dysphoria. I think that our dreams are always there, part of our lives from the moment we realize what they are. When we do realize that, we find parts of ourselves that we may not have known of prior to that very moment.
In short: I see what Gina means and I agree to a degree, but I think that our dreams start to be realized prior to surgeries.
Monika: Cynthia, thank you so much for sharing your story! I am sure it will inspire many of our readers.
Cynthia: Thank you very much for having me. I hope it has, too!
Main photo credit: Johan Nylén.
All the photos: courtesy of Cynthia Luna Frost.
© 2020 - Monika Kowalska
END OF PART 2
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