Interview with Erika Dapkewicz - Part 2

Monika: I remember the beginning of my hormone replacement therapy. I felt like a teenage girl. I had to try really hard to behave seriously. Did you experience the same?

Erika: Yep. I have without a doubt felt much younger since on HRT. And most everyone believes I’m much younger than I literally am. I remember my endocrinologist warning me before he put me on HRT that I would be going through second puberty and therefore… will feel like a teenager again. I kinda didn’t believe him at first… but after six months on HRT… I started to understand what he was telling me. Not only did my body start to drastically change which caused me to get all excited but socially my world was radically changing in that I was being introduced to the world of women. Women out of nowhere started to invite me to grab dinners and drinks and get manicures and pedicures and go cloth shopping and on and on and on. So it all felt all new and wonderful to me.

The unfortunate by-product of this… was that almost all my male friends stopped scheduling things with me. No more going to movies. Playing video games. Just hanging out. It was fascinating to watch how much my Cis and Heterosexual Male friends saw me much differently and had a harder time being with me as just a friend. I had a couple confess they were attracted to me and that bothered them. And a few confessed their wives no longer wanted me to come around.

Monika: You said you are very close to your daughter and parents. Was it difficult for them to accept your transition?

Erika: My daughter was one of the people I can remember not hesitating when I came out to her. We were at Laguna Beach together and she jumped on me and hugged me right away. We cried and she told me, “I love you no matter what or who you are”. She was 17 at the time.

My parents took a little more time. They didn’t even know what “Transgender” meant when I flew out to tell them. My mom told me she was just happy I didn’t have cancer (I heard this a lot). But they struggled a bit. My dad would ask me why I couldn’t just take pills to change my brain. And my mom projected her guilt onto me for a while. She and I had a massive blowout around Christmas for hours and I finally realized what she needed to hear from me, was that I didn’t blame her. And I didn’t. She felt so bad that she never listened to me when I was little and gave her the signs I was struggling. And she felt bad maybe it was something she did while I was in utero.

"Most of the other Trans Women in Hollywood I
know are in front of the camera. I’m friends
with a few like Rain Valdez. And I know a few
behind the camera."

My doctors told me that’s where the “hiccup” happened for me. That my brain never received the hormones to develop and be in sync with the sex of my body. They did MRI comparisons to show me how different my brain was to other male-formed brains and how similar it really was to female ones. It was fascinating to be shown and told that this was my story as to why I struggled ever since I was born. And it’s the story I’ve told a lot of people all around the world.

The one thing I do feel for my daughter and parents is that I know allies can often struggle with their relationships with others who are not allies. And I feel for my loved ones who try to retain these relationships and don’t understand all the hate. I do feel for them and I think it’s sometimes a reason why Cis People are afraid to publicly support Trans People. I know this because I’ve had friends reach out to me privately to tell me they love and support me, but can’t do it publicly as they themselves are worried about retaliation from their peer groups.

Monika: Are there any other transgender women in the business? Do you support each other?

Erika: Most of the other Trans Women in Hollywood I know are in front of the camera. I’m friends with a few like Rain Valdez. And I know a few behind the camera. One of my biggest Trans heroes and the person I can most relate to is Lana Wachowski. There’s is so much to her story that I connected with myself. She was a major reason why I finally got up the courage to help myself and turn my life around for the better. 

Do we support one another? I’m not sure I can confirm that’s always the case. Like any other group… I’ve noticed there are definitely cliques of Trans People in general just like there are Cis People. And just like many Cis People… I sometimes get the vibe of “What can you do for me to get me ahead” kind of behavior.

While I’m certainly a “Princess” at times… I also tend to be more a Geeky Trans Girl like Lana Wachowski. I can’t really relate to the Trans Girls who like to model and work the camera. I’ve been told by some Trans Women that I myself spend too much time “Hanging with Cis People and need to be around Trans People more”. I tend to want to be around people I get along with no matter who or what they are in general. So I’ve been surprised to hear this. And I know other Geeky Trans Girls like myself who don’t want the idea of being “Trans” to be the main or only thing that defines us. That we have so much more to offer.

With that being said - I do have a Transgender Man on my current Editing Team and am supporting him.

"I will say that a major theme in movies that I gravitated
towards were stories of men transforming into women."

Monika: Do you remember the first time when you saw a transgender woman on TV or met anyone transgender in person?

Erika: I don’t remember specifically. But I will say that a major theme in movies that I gravitated towards were stories of men transforming into women. So my first memory as a child of something like this was with the really horrible movie called, “Deathstalker”. My dad a VHS copy for some reason. I got my hands on it and watched it. Trust me it’s bad and just a low-budget Conan The Barbarian ripoff. But there was one scene where a Wizard turned one of his henchmen into a Princess to service a Trojan Horse plot device that blew my mind at the time. And I felt very connected to that concept while struggling with my own gender dysphoria. Again, Lana Wachowski was probably the first Trans Woman I knew publicly that I followed and could really relate to.

As for meeting a Trans Woman in person… I’m sure I had but never knew it. Many of my Trans Friends claimed they were living in stealth for a long time. They didn’t really start to feel safe with coming out publicly till around 2015. I met many Trans Women online who reached out to me via my Miss Mako persona. But it wasn’t until I started visiting the Los Angeles LGBTQ center early last decade that I really started to get to meet and know other Trans Women.

Monika: What do you think about the present situation of transgender women in your country?

Erika: I think so much has changed for the better in the past decade in the United States. I really do. I feel there is more support for us than I could have imagined. But there is also a lot of pushback too. Feels like we take a few steps forward and then are pushed a few steps back by everyone from some politicians; some religious leaders; and cis-men and cis-women who don’t recognize someone like me as a woman but claim I’m just a man in a dress pretending to be a woman. I am proud of the Trans Community and how many of us have been able to shine and live our lives with pride. And so much of that has to do with the amount of support we receive from the Cis-Community as well.

It pains me to see state legislators or executive branch politicians demonizing Trans Women specifically. We’ve become political pawns. Especially the Trans Children. I don’t like how people dehumanize others to justify their actions. It often feels it comes from a place of being sexist and transphobic. Trans Men are rarely considered in these debates. I am in support of strict guidelines for medical transitioning - but not so much as to deny Trans People of their medical needs. I’ve known a few Trans Girls who bypassed the American Medical Guidelines and went outside the country to have life-changing surgery and later regretted it. A few of these women wished they had spent the time really figuring out their situation and being properly diagnosed after the fact. But those situations have been minimal in my own experiences with the Trans Community.

"I am proud of the Trans Community and how many of us
have been able to shine and live our lives with pride."

Monika: Are you involved in the life of the local LGBTQ community?

Erika: Not as much as I’d like to be. My career and other things I do have left me little time to just enjoy my own life. I’m trying as hard as I can to have a work/life balance. And ever since I’ve transitioned… I’ve never wanted to enjoy life more and more… just being me. I’ve had family and friends even recommend that I would be a good politician. But I turn that down right away. I have to turn most things down, but every once in a while I do agree to talk on an LGBTQ panel or speak at a college about being Trans. I feel like my place in all of this is to help normalize being Trans to the Cis Population.

Monika: Could you tell me about the importance of love in your life?

Erika: Love is very important. But it’s been hard to open up as I’ve spent most of my life suppressing my emotions and how I feel. So I’ve spent most of my life feeling alone. In addition, my marriage did not survive the revelation that I was diagnosed with gender dysphoria. I became a bit of a punching bag for others who took out their insecurities on me during this time. And those couple of years were emotionally devastating to me with people I truly loved. So it’s taken me some time and real effort to open up my heart again and let people in.

I’m really close to my daughter and parents. And my girlfriend and I are growing quite a lot together… which has been wonderful. And then of course there is the love of my friends that helped me through some of the worst of times.

Monika: Many transgender ladies write their memoirs. Have you ever thought about writing such a book yourself?

Erika: This is the #1 question I am asked by so many people around me. I’m consistently asked to write a book and tell my story. Seems when I do tell parts of it to people - they seem intrigued and want to know more. Maybe one day I will. But again… I find my time to be fairly limited… so I’m trying to have a healthy balance of just living and being happy with myself. And that’s so foreign to me cause I never did like myself before.

Monika: What would you recommend to all transgender women that are afraid of transition?

Erika: That they are not alone. I was afraid for a long time. I had doubts. I looked like an NFL Linesman and convinced myself I could never in my wildest dreams ever feel or look like a woman. And I’m living proof I was dead wrong on that assumption. I believe we all are our own worst enemies. We talk ourselves out of helping ourselves move forward all the time and try new things.

"Love is very important. But it’s been hard to open
up as I’ve spent most of my life suppressing my
emotions and how I feel."

People are often afraid of change. And even I was so stigmatized by the idea of being Trans was “bad” that it took me too long to snap out of that and help myself. My advice: get to know other Trans Women and hear their stories. I’m not gonna sugar coat it… transitioning can be very difficult both physically and socially. But for my own experience… it was 100% worth it and I would do it all over again in a heartbeat. Because I’ve never been happier with who and what I am today.

Monika: My pen friend Gina Grahame wrote to me once that we should not limit our potential because of how we were born or by what we see other transgender people doing. Our dreams should not end on an operating table; that’s where they begin. Do you agree with this?

Erika: Yes. I tried to teach my kids so much not to worry about the rat race. Not to be concerned with what our neighbors have that we don’t. But we live in a world where people obsess over these things. We are always comparing ourselves to everyone else for so many reasons. By how we should act. Dress. What we should have. We determine our success by comparing ourselves to others. And I think that mindset creates so much depression and anxiety in people on a daily basis.

I spent the early days of my physical transition asking my doctors and surgeons to not turn me into a model. I just wanted to be a female version of myself. My endocrinologist told me “Let the natural part of this process guide you and not force things or you will be disappointed”. I took him for his word and he was right. I didn’t have expectations of my appearance. I just wanted to feel like a woman. And the icing on the cake was that I developed in such a way that it’s me now. I feel and look amazing in my opinion.

I’ve seen too many Trans Girls be depressed because they didn’t turn out as perfect models. And Cis-Women do this too. I’ve been through it with my own daughter as she’s been really hard on herself and her appearance as she grew up. And she was often comparing herself to other girls. It’s often devastating how women, in general, are put under such scrutiny about the way they look that it really does cause so much emotional turmoil for so many.

Once I had my gender confirmation surgery - my dreams didn’t end at all. I’m someone who wants to learn and grow as a human being regardless of being a woman or a man. And I’m having a blast just living my life as the woman I want to be.

Monika: Erika, it was a pleasure to interview you. I hope to see you soon on TV during one of the Oscar ceremonies. Thanks a lot!

Erika: Thanks again, Monika. It was a pleasure chatting with you.

END OF PART 2

Back to PART 1

 

All the photos: courtesy of Erika Dapkewicz.

© 2021 - Monika Kowalska