Monika: I guess not everyone can follow your example.
Iden: I realize that this way of moving through the world is a privilege and a luxury. I live in a safe community. I am financially stable. I have a supportive family. I know that for some trans-people passing is a matter of safety or that not passing means not transitioning for the same reason. Too many of us though feel this pressure to pass because we have been fed lies about transgendered people and about gender in general. We have eaten these lies for so long that they have seeped into our blood and our bones. A woman is valid no matter how she looks or sounds. Trans people are not dangerous. We are not undercover operatives here to infiltrate and harm.
My advice to anyone struggling with this is to sit with themselves and consider deeply their motivations for doing a thing. That thing can be as big as bottom surgery or as small as lipstick. Ask yourself "why am I doing this? Why am I not doing this?" If your answer includes the statement " I'm afraid if..." then you are not doing it for you. You are doing it for them and they are not your friends. Your friends want you to be all the way you. "I am valid exactly as I am and I am not ashamed of any part of me." I dream of a day when every person can say that. Say it until it fills us and seeps into our blood and bones and pushes out the toxic lies that we have been told our whole lives.
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| "Softer Side of Loneliness" by Iden Crockett. |
Monika: Are there any transgender role models that you follow or followed?
Iden: When I finally figured out that I was trans I was embarrassingly ignorant of the LGBTQ world at large and knew practically nothing when it came to the trans community. I have loosely followed Trace Lysette's career because we went to high school together and that sort of thing is always fun but I wouldn't say that I have any role models or trans celebrities that I follow closely. When I began the transition I turned to the trans YouTube community. YouTubers like Chloe Goldbach of the Chloe Connection and Jackson Bird were enormously helpful to me in my early days.
Monika: Do you remember the first time when you saw a transgender woman on TV or met anyone transgender in person?
Iden: I am sad to admit that the first trans person I saw was on the cover of an adult video. I'm probably not alone in that. Growing up it was a huge deal if two girls would kiss on tv. There were no trans people, except in porn. I was in this porn shop near my college just walking around with my roommates and looking at porn like you used to do back then. That was back when you still had to look a stranger in the eye if you wanted porn. But I saw this video and it grabbed my attention. I had no idea what was going on there but I knew I was into it. I was too embarrassed to buy it with my roommates but I went back later by myself and bought it. That was my first glimpse of a transwoman.
Monika: What do you think about the present situation of transgender women in your country?
Iden: I'm over here in the United States and the state of trans people here is complicated. There is a large and coordinated movement by the right-wing politicians to use the trans community as a bogeyman (bogey person?) to frighten their constituents and distract them from all of the real and pressing issues that we face. In that way, the trans community is very much under attack.
My personal experience is that the average American knows nothing about what it means to be trans or non-binary. I was right there too. But for every one dumbass who has given me trouble I have met ten wonderfully open and accepting people. The momentum is on our side. Politics is an obvious sideshow and the upcoming generations seem to view being gender non-conforming as a perfectly common and natural way to be. I am very hopeful for the future here.
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| "My personal experience is that the average American knows nothing about what it means to be trans or non-binary." |
Monika: Do you like fashion? What kind of outfits do you usually wear? Any special fashion designs, colors, or trends?
Iden: I love fashion. I have for a long while and I always resented the limitations of menswear. My look is somewhere in between punk, goth, and streetwear. I think most times I look like David Bowie and Grace Jones had a baby but hired Joan Jett as their nanny. I have never been a trends person.
My dysphoria drives a lot of my looks. For instance, I can't stand a crew neck t-shirt so all my t-shirts are either scoop or v neck. if they didn't come that way I grab the scissors and make them so. I find tighter clothes to be gender-affirming and also comforting to me so I do a lot of very tight jeans and leggings. I tend toward dark colors or black but I like to stand out so I always try to have one piece that is very unusual or striking. I already draw attention by being a poorly passing trans lady so I try to lean into that and get attention on my own terms.
Monika: Do you often experiment with your makeup?
Iden: I have fun with makeup. I don't use a ton of it. I have very dark and determined facial hair which gives me no end of distress so I will often use just a small amount of concealer and foundation to help with that. I love bold lip color but rarely use any because I'm always wearing my mask in public. I will get crazy with the eye shadow/liner if I have something fun like a concert or party to go to.
Monika: By the way, do you like being complimented on your looks?
Iden: I do enjoy compliments. I sometimes feel like I'm expected to see any compliment as objectification and be offended but I don't. I put a lot of thought into what I wear and I feel like I am putting out an honest image of who Iden is and what Iden likes so it feels good to me to be seen as attractive. I was not unattractive as a man but I was inauthentic so that attention felt off to me. Now, when I receive a compliment, I know it's the real me that people are responding to and that is encouraging and empowering.
Monika: Are you involved in the life of the local LGBTQ community?
Iden: I socialize with other LGBTQ people locally but I don't really get involved in any sort of organizational capacity. I donate to a few LGBTQ charities but otherwise, I spend most of my time with my wife and kids.
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| "When I begin a new picture I have no idea what it will end up as." |
Monika: Could you tell me about the importance of love in your life?
Iden: Love is hugely important to me, in many ways. First off, without the love and support of my wife, I would not be here entering this exciting new chapter of life. She has been an amazing friend to me for decades and the love we share is the column that supports my world. Next, love for my kids, where do you even start? During my darkest times, it was my kids and that special love that kept me alive. Thinking of their little hands and faces helped me step down off of a couple parking garages. Finally, love is the principle that I have decided to build my future around.
When I was forced out of my job I was so angry. I was shaking and my chest hurt. I couldn't breathe. For months I was like that. I was literally sick with anger. But I realized that I had a choice. I could give myself over to that. I could hate my days away. I could close myself off to the world and never trust anyone again. Or, I could do the opposite. I could let go. I could try to love the world, and all the people in it, despite the wrongs and flaws. I could love them for their flaws. I could put myself out there knowing that I would be hurt again but also knowing that I might find something greater. And I have.
When you put love into the world, and I mean earnestly, sincerely opening yourself to others, the world will respond in kind. I have met so many wonderful people and experienced life so much more fully than ever before. Choosing to love gave me that.
Monika: Many transgender ladies write their memoirs. Have you ever thought about writing such a book yourself?
Iden: I don't really have any interest in writing a traditional memoir. I tell my story and my truth every day through my art and my poetry. I am working on a fictionalized memoir of my time as a medic. That has been on hold for a while. The response to my art has been stronger than I had hoped and the opportunities to grow there have slowed my writing for the time.
Monika: What is your next step in the present time and where do you see yourself within the next 5-7 years?
Iden: Right now I am working on the first solo exhibition of my art here at a gallery near my home. It is going to be a one-night-only affair and I want it to really leave people changed. For the future, I have another, larger show in the early planning stages for summer 2022 and I am working on an illustrated book of poetry. Beyond that, I am leaving it up to the universe. I hope that whatever I get up to and wherever I go, I will keep meeting new people and being able to express myself.
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| "I tell my story and my truth every day through my art and my poetry." |
Monika: What would you recommend to all transgender women that are afraid of transition?
Iden:
To all of my fellow trans people out there that are afraid of transitioning I say this: Your fear is valid only you know your circumstances. Transition is an enormous undertaking and a long long journey. It is understandable to fear something so large and to not be able to imagine a destination that is so far.
But fear is a sign. It is not a map. You cannot travel through life using fear to navigate. Doing so will always lead you in circles. I am here today, telling you this because I decided to follow my heart. You don't have to worry about whether or not you will be hurt, or rejected, because you will be. Guaranteed. You don't have to worry about whether or not you will face discrimination because you will. Guaranteed.
But you will also find love and acceptance in a way more genuine and pure than you ever could have. You will heal and grow in ways that you haven't imagined. The world can be an amazing and beautiful place for you, but only if you step out and claim your space. Declare your truth. Stand up and start putting one foot in front of the other. You won't regret it.
Monika: My pen friend Gina Grahame wrote to me once that we should not limit our potential because of how we were born or by what we see other transgender people doing. Our dreams should not end on an operating table; that’s where they begin. Do you agree with this?
Iden: I absolutely agree with that! Your friend seems very wise. You will always be disappointed if you are measuring your success and your value by comparing yourself to another. You will never be that person. Ever. No matter what. So don't try to be. Be yourself. That is simple advice but "simple" is not the same as "easy". You have to do the work to learn yourself and to know what it is that YOU want before you can go after it.
I don't believe that dreams ever end and I don't believe that transitions are ever over. Human life is a journey. Gender transition is merely one leg of that journey. I don't think we should ever stop changing. We should never stop learning, never stop growing. This is our unique life, our unique journey, and we need to be free to guide it in a manner that honors that uniqueness.
Monika: Iden, it was a pleasure to interview you. Thanks a lot!
Iden: The pleasure was all mine!
END OF PART 2
All the photos: courtesy of Iden Crockett.
© 2021 - Monika Kowalska
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