Monika: If not a new frontier, what would truly move things forward?
Andie: We need education, awareness, and ordinary presence in the world, not to be something special or irritating. Human rights are human rights, and most are asserted through demonstrating the irrationality or absurdity of inequality. We have to stand up for ourselves, yes, but so do so many others, for lots of reasons. We aren't a special case to become a new frontier, but we are part of a natural progression as the whole nature of sex, sexuality, and gender is opened up to scrutiny. 100,000 people living in their true gender whilst being open about their life story, and doing so fully integrated in society, are a more powerful force than singular loud media voices or events on their own. Sometimes it can be more powerful to be ordinary than to be exceptional. I'd rather be yeast in the loaf than a cherry that can be picked out if disliked.
Monika: Transgender characters and stories have appeared in films, newspapers and books for years. What is your view of how they have been portrayed so far?
Andie: What is interesting about a trans woman? Let alone a trans man! In any story, the only interest is their struggle for identity and acceptance. Aren't our autobiographies all about our transition and struggles when young? After the transition, it's just another story. So to introduce a character "for interest" invites the parody, the inept attempt, the obvious faux pas, the loneliness, or the difficulties of sex life. Transition is only worth having in the story if it's a problem. Mine would be so boring, except for five minutes! Rarely is the script showing real interest in the person, and where it is, there are too few trans actors. That means the interpretations cis actors usually give lack depth or emotional understanding. But why should a trans actor want to play trans parts that aren't well written? They're just actors who happen to be trans. Maybe what we need is more trans writers creating meaningful characters.
Monika: What about documentaries? Do they portray transgender lives any more fairly?
Andie: Even documentaries about gender dysphoria are presented as if no one will watch unless there is sensation. Our media bête noir here is The Daily Mail newspaper, which seems to be obsessed with finding and treating trans life stories as exceptional and weird.
There is a real place for trans narratives to be portrayed in order to highlight what gender dysphoria is like to deal with, and how it is regarded in society. Too often it is taken up with sexualized portrayals of inadequacy because it’s more titillating.
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| Proud parent in pink, her son graduates; the last family photo, 2012. |
Monika: The transgender cause is usually presented together with the rest of the LGBT community, yet the T comes last in the abbreviation. Is the transgender community able to promote its own cause within the group?
Andie: Yes and no. Sorry! The only thing the T has in common is that we are also in a minority that is loosely clumped together in a fuzzy zone characterized by sex. LGB is clearly sexuality, and transgender people have sexualities frequently overlapping with these. T itself is nothing to do with sexuality. LGB folks need each other to fulfill what they are. Trans people do not. LGB people want to be where they are, securely and safely. Their cause is one of no change. Most of us move out of being trans when our transitions become history. For me, the whole point is that I identify as a woman, not primarily as transgendered or transsexual. Our cause is one of being allowed securely and safely to change.
Monika: Harvey Milk became the face of gay activism in the 60s and 70s. Does the transgender community have anyone whose actions could be compared to his?
Andie: Again, I wonder in what sense we are a transgendered ‘society’ or ‘community’? Our identities don’t require us to meet each other. We have a clinical or physiological status in common, but not in our personalities or wider life objectives. Famous, prominent, or self-promoting transfigures can at once cheer for us and alienate us. We are so diverse that a cheerleader for young trans people gets up the noses of the later-life folk and vice versa. Many prominent figures annoy me one way or another because they don’t represent me. I can speak for myself. I am active without being an activist, and I remember baulking at being called an activist in another period of campaigning on another issue altogether. I thought I was just being an outspoken concerned citizen! Harvey Milk didn’t set out to be an icon, and many icons only become that by being adopted.
Monika: Who, then, has moved things forward in your view?
Andie: There are key figures who are mainly remembered for living ordinary lives whilst pressing the case for better education and equal treatment. They are the ones behind the organizations like Press for Change, Trans Media Watch, GIRES, Mermaids, and so on. I am immensely grateful for the progress they have made through hard graft and persistent, honest dialogue.
Monika: So is a single big name less valuable than a crowd of voices?
Andie: Again, I think 100 trans people assertively refusing to be othered are more powerful in the long run than 100 people cheering on a big name. Seeing so many trans people in the top 100 Pink List is far more powerful than one big name at number 1, in terms of lasting impact, because they are diverse and represent a broader range of trans people. So for me, there have been lots of good folk pushing in the right direction, but thankfully no over-dominant figureheads.
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| Publishing Grrl Alex, her first author with Bramley Press, 2012. |
Monika: Politics is another arena where voices count. Are you active in it, perhaps through lobbying campaigns, and can transgender women make a difference there?
Andie: No, I’m not. I’m not a very political animal. I’ll always sign a good petition, stand up for rights, be present at events, and write my fingers to the bone. Our voices have to be heard, but if it’s only ever seen as lobbying or activism, then we become exceptional people rather than included people. Transgendered people in public politics do make a difference though, and I’m always happy to be invited or speak. Trans politicians are there because it’s what they do, not because they’re trans, and in the course of that, make it their concern to work for trans equality and awareness. The point is, transgendered people are in all walks of life and every profession. From these places, we need to demonstrate that we aren’t exceptional or strange, and deserve to be treated like anyone else.
Monika: Tell me about the role love plays in your life.
Andie: Absolutely central. It is everything. I think it accounts for a substantial part of my musings on my blog. Coming to terms with being transgendered brought home very harshly that “love” is not always what you think it is. It is, as far as I have experienced, heavily conditional. When all is well, you feel secure and mutually committed, but it can all disappear very suddenly. My interpretation of much of what we call “love” is that it is an expression of gratitude that the other makes us what we want to be. Iris Murdoch described genuine love as “the extremely difficult realization that something other than oneself is real.” I think I understand this now.
Monika: How has that changed the way you think about love and friendship today?
Andie: So I have been re-evaluating “love” for the last two years, to understand what I mean by it, how I use the concept and expression, and how honest I am as well. There are people I really do love, and instinctively I feel I have a great deal of it to offer. I have also had to come to understand the friendship of women, and that love can be a part of this without any reference to physical intimacy. My desire for physical intimacy, for being loved and wanted, to be touched, is very strong indeed, but it is now carried on an understanding that it doesn’t consume other parts of my life in compromise.
Monika: Fashion often says a lot about who we are. What do you usually wear, and are there particular designs, colors, or trends you favor?
Andie: I like fashion, but at nearly 58 I have to be careful! I dress sensibly and appropriately for my age (I feel 10 years younger), on the smarter side for work, and nicely casual socially. It took me ages to wear trousers again, because of the “profile” (which gets easier on T-blockers!) and history. Mostly I wear skirts and err on the side of slight elegance. I shall love dancing in leggings after the op!
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| Performing at Polari, Southbank, Royal Festival Hall, 2012. |
Monika: And what about your own palette and style?
Andie: It took very little effort to discover my preferred palette of jade/teal/purple with their pastel counterparts, after a lifetime of dull blue and grey. If there’s one thing I do get right and enjoy, it’s co-ordination with accessories. In summary, I dress like women my age, though slightly more colorfully sometimes. I never went through the frilly/girly/miniskirt stage of “lost female adolescence”, because I just loved being an ordinary woman. Mind you, I have slapped my own wrist a few times when clothes-shopping!
Monika: Looking ahead, what is your next step right now, and where do you see yourself in the next five to seven years?
Andie: I am just a few months away from gender confirmation surgery. That is the final piece in my jigsaw. I’ve certainly tired of the years of having to prove to clinicians who will never really understand, that I really am a woman and just need help in adjusting everything. Leaving all that behind, and being fully healed after surgery, I think I will just go on being ordinary but with even more confidence that no one can challenge me over it anymore. The next step, along with the surgery, is my gender recognition certificate, and then the last document: my birth certificate. Nothing left to do but be myself, play the music and dance, and see if there is any possibility of an intimate relationship again.
Monika: What advice would you give to transgender girls struggling with gender dysphoria?
Andie: You will never win by resisting dysphoria. You are who you are and what you are, and this is your life, nobody else’s. No one else can be you, so get out there and be you. It’s what you’re here for. Nothing you lose will be a fraction of what you gain by living an authentic life. So don’t waste time. Be safe, be sensible, get real support from genuine friends, and commit 100 percent to make the most of who you are. Don’t imitate anyone, find what’s right and comfortable for you, and be prepared to be different. In everything you do, be present as yourself. You don’t need to be abrasive to be authentic. Accept that not everyone will like it, but that this is their choice to make, not yours to adapt to.
Monika: Andie, thank you so much for this conversation!
END OF PART 2
All photos: courtesy of Andie Davidson.
© 2014 - Monika Kowalska
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