Monika: Do you remember the first time when you saw a transgender woman on TV or met anyone transgender in person?
Angela: I can’t name the first time that I saw a transgender person on TV, but there was no shortage of caricatures of what people in our community were supposed to be like on television. The earliest instance would have probably been on a Jerry Springer-like program where the person’s identity as a trans individual was played as a joke and the cause of a fight on-stage. I didn’t get to see any positive representation of trans people on the television growing up, and while we do have more representation nowadays, we still have a long way to go.
The first other trans person that I met would have to be my friend, Michael Benavente, except that I’m not sure that either of us really communicated it until later on. We first met early in high school on Facebook, and I remember telling him that I was trans shortly after. He was so perfectly accepting of it when I didn’t really have anyone else to be open with. He witnessed my many jumps in and out of the closet, yet never looked down on me for that, and I’m truly thankful for his acceptance. I remember seeing on Facebook several years later that he had actually come out as trans himself, and it was so amazing to see how much he glowed just getting to be authentic. So while at the time I didn’t know that he was transgender, he would be technically the first.
Monika: What do you think about the present situation of transgender women in your country?
Angela: While typically trans people are more accepted nowadays by the general public, it is still a toss-up between if you will be affirmed or abused by any person you come across. I try to stay hopeful and optimistic, but years of being taught that other people view my community as despicable takes a lot of time to unlearn. I’m still scared to use the women’s bathroom or walk the streets publicly as myself in certain neighborhoods. I know that while the chance of me being subjected to violence is statistically low, the knowledge that it could still happen is nearly always in the back of my mind.
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| "While typically trans people are more accepted nowadays by the general public, it is still a toss-up between if you will be affirmed or abused by any person you come across." |
Texas typically leads the other states in instances of violence against transgender people. The “Gay/Trans Panic Defense” is still legally viable in the vast majority of the states. We have had more anti-trans bills considered and passed in 2021 than in any other year, and it is only April. I’m scared for trans youth and their families, and the myriad of hurdles that the government is trying to erect that would inhibit their ability to exist. Not being able to transition when I was younger nearly ended my existence, and I know that I was one of the lucky ones in that I’m still standing.
I’m trying to stay strong and keep fighting, but it’s candidly getting exhausting. It is ridiculous that a new anti-trans bill seems to pop up every day. In my very state, they are considering stripping children away from their parents if they are aided in transitioning. The government is debating if supporting your child as a trans individual counts as “child abuse”. It’s honestly baffling that trans people are being focused on so much by the government when we still have a mass shooting on a nearly daily basis. It really makes me wonder if the people running the government actually have the safety of their constituents in mind.
We are being attacked on every front, and so we have to keep fighting. While those trying to erase us are advocating for their warped and uninformed perspectives, we are fighting to survive, to exist. And so while I’m exhausted, and I know of many of my trans friends and allies that are growing weary, we have to keep fighting for the rights of the marginalized, whether they be in our community or outside of it. Regardless of how we look, act, identify, present, or any other distinguishing factor, there’s one community and we all fit into humans. Our differences are valuable, our nuances make us unique, but deep down, we are all people worthy of existing and finding contentment in our lives. And that’s something worth fighting for.
Monika: Do you like fashion? What kind of outfits do you usually wear? Any special fashion designs, colors, or trends?
Angela: I do like fashion, but I can’t say I know much about it! I try to throw together whatever I can with the clothes that I do have, but I do consider myself fairly out of touch with whatever the current fashion trends are.
I am a big fan of layers, but it’s hard to execute while living in Texas without sweating profusely. My usual attire is a pair of jeans with a tank and some sort of cover for my shoulders, whether it be a flannel, cardigan, or jacket.
Recently, I have been shifting more toward dark tones, particularly black. I wasn’t ever allowed to wear dark clothes or anything that resembled a more goth or emo aesthetic when I was young. I’m finally starting to branch out into that part of myself, and it is such a freeing feeling.
Monika: Do you often experiment with your makeup?
Angela: I do experiment with my makeup fairly regularly. I’ve only been wearing makeup in any sense for nearly a year and a half, and I am happy with how much I’ve learned in such a short time. Quarantine has given me a lot of time to practice, whether through participating in masterclasses or trying new things on my own. I started off just working with full faces that would take me upwards of two hours to complete, and I’m learning that sometimes I don’t need to devote a whole morning to just doing my makeup. I’m even starting to branch out to work with special effects makeup, so we’ll see if I can create something I’m happy enough to post!
It is difficult to be really creative with my makeup with my current job. Working in an industrial environment, I often have to opt for looks that create the least “distractions”, and so I’m limited in my application and color selections. My time is really limited with trying new things, and while makeup is more of a utility at the current moment, it is still a creative outlet for me on the weekends!
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| "I’m still scared to use the women’s bathroom, or walk the streets publicly as myself in certain neighborhoods." |
Monika: By the way, do you like being complimented on your looks?
Angela: I do like being complimented on them, even though they do often seem foreign to me. Growing up, nobody ever mentioned my appearance in a positive way, and so I really cemented in my mind that I was unremarkable. I’m still getting used to the idea that other people could even like how I look, and so I often don’t believe the compliments I get because I might not see them myself. I’m working on trusting that people aren’t constantly lying to me about my looks. I might not see myself in quite the same manner that other people do yet, but I’m starting to be more satisfied with the face that looks back in the mirror.
Monika: Do you remember your first job interview as a woman?
Angela: I actually had my first interview as myself recently, and it was such a wonderful feeling to actually be able to present myself for the position, as opposed to the mask I was used to showing!
Monika: What would you advise to all transwomen looking for employment?
Angela: I wish there was an easy answer to this, but it really does depend on who the person is and where they're applying. Typically, I've found that the larger the company is, the more affirming they tend to be. I'd mostly say to do what makes you feel the most comfortable. You don't have to out yourself during the interview, or at any point, during your employment, if you don't want to. There was a time at my current job where I was out socially, but closeted at the company, and personally, I couldn't keep living that "double-life" for long.
At the same time, it's perfectly okay to be yourself from the start, and it's not your responsibility to control how other people react, especially in the workplace. Additionally, many companies nowadays are trying to diversify their workforce, and so being trans, or any other part of the LGBTQ+ community, can play in your favor. All in all, though, do what makes you the most comfortable and what positions you in a place to be the best asset to wherever you're applying!
Monika: Are you involved in the life of the local LGBTQ community?
Angela: Unfortunately, I haven't had much of an opportunity to help out locally. I moved for my job to Dallas, Texas this past fall, and with COVID-19 being such a constant factor since, there haven't been many opportunities to reach out. However, I'm looking for ways to get more involved locally and in person once we make it out of this pandemic!
Monika: Could you tell me about the importance of love in your life?
Angela: For me, it really depends a lot on what aspect of love you're referring to. I'm largely impacted by the platonic love that I have for my friends, and there is little that I wouldn't do for them. They truly do have my heart, my time, and my daily effort. Many of them have been there for me through the darkest times of my life when I felt entirely alone, and I can't adequately express how thankful I am to have had their support. I try every day to return the favor.
As far as relational love, I really don't have much in my life. I've been single for nearly four years at this point, since my last girlfriend, and I've largely stayed away from even attempting to date. I haven't been romantically involved with anybody since I started my transition, and I don't know if I will be eventually. I'm not entirely sure if I'm the type for romantic relationships, or if I have too many apprehensions around dating until I'm at a place where I'm happy with my physical form. It is something that I do think about often, but it's not something that I feel drawn to.
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| "Being a trans individual in society today is not an easy feat, and transitioning is not a step that should be taken lightly." |
Monika: Many transgender ladies write their memoirs. Have you ever thought about writing such a book yourself?
Angela: I honestly haven't thought of it! I probably would wait until I had a few more years under my belt so the book would have any length to it, but at the time, I'm not planning on writing one.
Monika: What is your next step in the present time and where do you see yourself within the next 5-7 years?
Angela: My next step is finalizing all of my name change documentation with the numerous government entities here in the United States, as well as saving for surgeries. As far as 5-7 years from now, I honestly haven't put much thought into it. I'm definitely the sort to take each day as it comes and prepare very little for the future, but I need to start being more mindful as time goes on. I figure that my main goal would be to have finished with actively transitioning, and be able to devote the time I would have spent furthering my transition to helping others along their path.
Monika: What would you recommend to all transgender women that are afraid of transition?
Angela: Fear is a sign that you're thinking correctly. Being a trans individual in society today is not an easy feat, and transitioning is not a step that should be taken lightly. There are a myriad of difficulties that come from transitioning either socially or medically, and it's a good thing if you are initially scared when considering them. But you should also recognize that your fear can lead you in your path. Personally, I chose to transition because I hit a point where I was less afraid of the societal and medical implications of transitioning than I was of living my life as a gender that I knew I wasn't and how I would react to constantly pushing down that part of myself. I was more scared of myself than I was of anybody else or anything that they could do to me as a result of my gender.
If you are afraid, lean into it. Explore it, and try to understand where your fear is coming from.
If you are afraid of how other people will react, that is okay, but you ultimately cannot choose or change how people will receive the information of who you are. But if you are afraid of missing out on the chance to truly embrace yourself and live authentically, then go for it. There's no shame or harm in giving it a shot, even if you find it to not be the right move for you.
Monika: My pen friend Gina Grahame wrote to me once that we should not limit our potential because of how we were born or by what we see other transgender people doing. Our dreams should not end on an operating table; that’s where they begin. Do you agree with this?
Angela: I do agree with that, but it is important not to discredit people if their ultimate ambition is surgery. All of our experiences are so unique, even if many can be categorized under the trans umbrella. There's no set of guidelines for how you ought to find fulfillment in your life or your transition, and it is ultimately a very personal journey. We don't stop being trans, or come away from our identities, the second that we get to someone else's finish line. We also need to not feel a need to grade ourselves on anyone else's scale. This life is exclusively yours to live, and there's not a single person out there that can define how you're supposed to utilize your time and your talents.
Monika: Angela, it was a pleasure to interview you. Thanks a lot!
Angela: Thanks, Monika! It was a pleasure to talk!
END OF PART 2
All the photos: courtesy of Angela Scholl.
© 2021 - Monika Kowalska
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