Monika: Did you have any transgender sisters around you that supported you during the transition?
Anne: Oh yes indeed. I was introduced by my therapist to a transgender support group in the Silicon Valley of twenty other people who were in similar processes to explore and perhaps change their gender. They were doctors, lawyers, engineers, and other folks like me in mid-life who had followed their groomed career path as a male but wanted to test that they could still find a life as the woman they had always felt inside.
After a year or so, I lost touch with all of them and this was normal and proper in my generation. Our goal was to use the supportive gender community to learn the lessons we had been denied as we grew up…and then to blend back into the society from which we had come. Our goal was not to find a long-term accepting community of gender folk. That is just the way it was. It was also a much more bipolar gender model than what has emerged more recently.
At the time it seemed to us that society was open to people like us as long as we did not try to rattle any cages or fight for acceptance of blended gender models. It worked for us at the time, but now, of course, society has backtracked significantly in acceptance and support and there is a real need to fight for acceptance of folks who do not follow the bipolar gender model.
Monika: What inspired you to write “Tall Annie: A Life in Two Genders”?
Anne: I read an article about Texas criminalizing parental support of gender-affirming care of their children. This was shocking to me and pulled my attention back to the awful things certain elements of our political world were doing to criminalize transgender folk. I also read a quote from Laverne Cox that moved me strongly. She points out that the world was not seeing ‘the real lived experience’ of transgender people. I decided to open my book with her full quote.
For twenty-three years post-transition, I never used the term “trans” as I simply moved in the world as the woman I am. As I saw more demonization of transfolk for political purposes, I realized that there was a need for people like me, who had smoothly blended back into society, to stand up and demonstrate that such a person is a worthwhile member of our society. For every transgender person who is exposed in the news cycle, there are thousands that are simply living fulfilled lives.
I arranged a local radio interview along with my husband to demonstrate how ‘normal’ a person like me is. That was fun but gathered no feedback and I realized my best path to show that a trans person can live a worthwhile life, worthy of support, would be to write my life story. That behind me now, I am seeking opportunities to share the positive experience of my life with the world through any opportunity I can find.
Monika: Which aspects of your story can be useful for other transgender women?
Anne: I hope my story will hearten people who have repressed their inner sense of self for the sake of societal acceptance and allow them to see that their own needs are more important than that of society. I hope my story can hearten folks who fear they may be giving up genuine deep caring love in their lives. Love is out there. Finally, I hope my story can demonstrate the importance of truly accepting yourself as who you were meant to be and holding your head high in society.
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| "At the time it seemed to us that society was open to people like us as long as we did not try to rattle any cages or fight for acceptance of blended gender models." |
Monika: What do you think about the present situation of transgender women in your country?
Anne: It is deeply disturbing to see the political demonization of transgender people as a means purely of appealing to the cynical culture war that has been dividing our country’s politics recently. There are states that are trying to completely erase transgender folks from existence even to the point of forcibly detransitioning them through constraints on doctors providing care. Such a state can share a border with a state that completely and openly affirms the right to equal treatment. It is a situation that will cause many problems including suicides. My hope is that this very visible evil will bring out voters who might have stayed home (a big problem in our country) to resoundingly elect politicians that will rectify these wrongs.
Monika: Do you like fashion? What kind of outfits do you usually wear? Any special fashion designs, colors, or trends?
Anne: I have never been a fashion maven. My work required conservative female attire and I had closets full of what would now be considered dull and staid. LOL. Also, due to my height, I have had to have classic styles made for me and those have lasted many years. Now in retirement, I live in a rural and unfortunately conservative area and no longer have opportunities to dress fashionably. I have given all the working clothes away. Depending on the weather, you probably find me in tights or blue jeans with short or sleeveless simple tops and very basic jewelry. When I do want to be more colorful, the colors fuschia and reds are my go-to colors.
Monika: By the way, do you like being complimented on your looks?
Anne: Oh my, who doesn’t? I admit that I still find it hard to accept as completely genuine at times. I suppose that comes from my self-knowledge that my male genetics are reasonably apparent now that I have stopped hormones for many years. I feel that such compliments typically are more saying, “I love you and want to support you by saying this.” Even at that, it is wonderful to hear. I am careful to observe and compliment my many women friends, of course, on their appearances as it is a wonderful part of female society.
Monika: I remember copying my sister and mother first, and later other women, trying to look 100% feminine, and my cis female friends used to joke that I try to be a woman that does not exist in reality. Did you experience the same?
Anne: My sister used very little makeup and my mother had passed as I said. I did carefully observe my spouse for many years, of course, who was elegantly beautiful without much need for artifice. I also quickly learned that overdoing makeup was a key visual signal to suggest further examination of the person.
I recall a wonderful experience once in my very early days in the ‘real life test’ at my work where a caring female co-worker took me into the restroom to kindly point out where I had made some boo-boos in my makeup. The women around me at Intel were incredibly kind and supportive. I have always used a bare minimum of makeup and it seems to work for me.
Monika: Do you remember your first job interview as a woman?
Anne: Yes. That came about 10 years after the transition as I was finally leaving the employ of Intel Corp. I was interviewing for a Director level position to design, staff, and build a completely new solar factory for a firm coming to Oregon. The interview was highly technical and involved touring the factory and being challenged to identify all the types of equipment inside. It was easy for me and I saw no sign of any concern on the interviewer’s part that he cared at all about my gender. He saw I knew my stuff and I had a twenty-five year long record of competence in engineering and management in my CV to boot. He offered me the job on the spot and he never had cause to regret it.
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| "My surgical alignment to my desired gender was for reasons of personal mental alignment and happily later proved to allow me to become a true wife to the wonderful man that I fell in love with." |
Monika: When I came out at work, my male co-workers treated me in a way as if the transition lowered my IQ. Did you experience the same? Do you think it happens because we are women or because we are transgender? Or both?
Anne: I tell one story in my book about the only significant time that I was treated as somehow reduced in competence. I was entering a room full of powerful males to begin a design project in Arizona when one of the men did not recognize me and literally asked me to find him some coffee. I pointed to the coffee area and then walked to the front of the room where I gavelled the meeting to order and began my function as the facilitator of the entire project. There were some red faces in the room, but no one subsequently made a similar mistake.
It is also the case that when I approached transition on the job at Intel, the company gave me some time off and used that time to train my coworkers and the outside firms I would work with as to what to expect. They also were very clear that I was to be accepted as any other employee and that any intimidation would be dealt with severely. In my book, I share the one time a very senior manager tested if I could still perform by throwing me into a stressful situation two weeks into my change that I would have easily handled previously. I persevered and we became good colleagues after that.
Monika: What would you advise to all transwomen looking for employment?
Anne: I hope that nowadays a gender transition is no longer an impediment to most employees in most states. Simply be confident that you have the skills to match the job and that will help undercut any unspoken gender prejudice. After retirement, I have encountered unspoken concerns that my presence in public service positions might indicate that I would become an activist or disruptive influence in the group. If I sense that ( unspoken of course ) I actively dispel such a concern. I do think that employment and political activism need to be kept distinct.
Monika: Are you involved in the life of the local LGBTQ community?
Anne: I am not involved and feel no need to be. My community is in ordinary society. I am a dinosaur I guess. At best I interact occasionally through online sites. I tried once to join a local transgender support group but quickly saw that attitudes have changed and I had to withdraw. Things that made me successful such as following what is now called WPATH and trying to conform to the bipolar models of gender were greeted as ‘gatekeeping” and ‘controlling.’ I am a member of Big Brothers, Big Sisters and I have now established relationships with two young “Littles” who are both LGBTQ and that one-on-one mentoring is going very well.
Monika: I help a couple of girls myself and I am a bit jealous about one thing, namely, parental support. They often come to me with their mothers and most questions are asked by mothers. I will never forget when I was having my SRS in Thailand and in the hospital I could see many young girls waiting for the operation and being accompanied by their mothers. I wish I could have had such support myself.
Anne: Oh my, you bring back memories for me. I also went to Thailand and recall my joy being diminished by seeing my sisters getting happy calls from their families and friends. My own family withheld any sign of support.
Monika: What would you recommend to all transgender women that are afraid of transition?
Anne: As I alluded to above, I see the incredible value of finding an experienced therapist and spending the time to explore and confirm the inner feelings. My therapist described the exploration of gender to me as being on a train taking a long journey with many stops along the way. One can get off at any stop and see if that is a good fit for you. My therapist shared with me that only a very small fraction of folks ride the train to a final destination of complete gender and physical body alignment to the desired gender.
Monika: I love this description! My pen-friend Gina Grahame wrote to me once that we should not limit our potential because of how we were born or by what we see other transgender people doing. Our dreams should not end on an operating table; that’s where they begin. Do you agree with this?
Anne: Oh yes of course! I believe we are born with the potential to be significant contributors to society and a mere change of gender expression does not need to interfere with that. My surgical alignment to my desired gender was for reasons of personal mental alignment and happily later proved to allow me to become a true wife to the wonderful man that I fell in love with. My career proceeded apace in spite of my gender changes and surgeries. ‘Being on the operating table’ as you say was a happy occasion but in no way made me any more the woman that I am.
Monika: Anne, it was a pleasure to interview you. Thanks a lot!
Anne: I have enjoyed our chat very much! Thank you for providing this forum.
END OF PART 2
All the photos: courtesy of Anne Marie Graham.
© 2023 - Monika Kowalska
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| For more info about Anne Marie Graham and her book visit tallannie.com |
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