Monika: Do you like fashion? What kind of outfits do you usually wear? Any special fashion designs, colors, or trends?
Ashley-Marie: Do I like fashion? I love fashion! I love shopping with girlfriends especially, and I love clothes. I work in an office environment where all the girls look professional, stylish and obviously make an effort every day to look nice. That involves keeping my wardrobe up to date and putting my face on each morning (which doesn't take long with a bit of practice).
I like to wear skirts and a nice top, or a dress and heels, etc. Naturally, when I go out socially, I make a bit more of an effort to look nice but it's just part of my routine and my persona I guess. Do I have any special fashion choices? I tend to buy a number of wardrobe staples, you know, classic pieces that never go out of style. Pieces I'll pay a bit more for but get a lot of wear out of like a classic black pencil skirt, a pair of well-fitting black slacks, a cashmere cardigan or two, a pair of patent leather stiletto heels, etc. Then I can keep my wardrobe fresh and up to date with pieces from the current fashion trends so to speak. So I'd say my style is somewhat classic, professional business attire at work and socially a bit sexy and fun.
Monika: By the way, do you like being complimented on your looks?
Ashley-Marie: Doesn’t every girl love a compliment? But I guess it depends where it's coming from. Like, if Bill tells me I look nice when I'm on cloud nine for a while lol... and of course, it has to be genuine regardless of who it is or else it doesn't mean much I suppose. People sometimes are aghast when I tell them how old I am, but I usually just say "I've got a great surgeon"! Lol
Monika: Do you remember your first job interview as a woman?
Ashley-Marie: Yes, I do... It was actually about four years ago with an aerospace company... I was still living in Adelaide in those days and applied for a position as s technical writer with a company located here in Brisbane. They actually flew me up here for the interview and I presented as my transitioned female self and I got the job. So they paid for me to relocate to Brisbane and the rest as they say is history.
Monika: What would you advise to all transwomen looking for employment?
Ashley-Marie: Well, just like anyone else you have to have a great CV. Well organized and laid out in a clear and professional manner and try not to over embellish the information. Be honest, be thorough and be well prepared.
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| "We all need love in our lives or else we would wither and die like a rose in the desert." |
Next, be yourself. You can’t present in a professional manner by pretending to be something or someone you’re not, so honesty and transparency are critical.
Thirdly, present well and with confidence and that means to dress accordingly and make sure you don't wear too much makeup, etc. Choose appropriate attire for the situation at hand and make sure it's modest and age-appropriate. When you are comfortable with the clothes you are wearing, you will feel comfortable within yourself and naturally communicate truth and confidence to others. That is really important because you need to connect with those who are interviewing you on a personal level.
Next, just like any other applicant, you need to research the company you’re applying to and make sure that you have your CV, and evidence of your qualifications and experience well organized and available.
So far, this stuff is pretty self-explanatory but one thing I would suggest is never apologize for being transgender. Your potential employer will be quite aware of your gender status the moment you walk into the room so there’s no need to state the obvious. Look them straight in the eye, shake their hand firmly, and don’t forget to be conscious of your posture. They will want to be satisfied that you can fit into their existing team structure without a hitch so be pleasant, professional, and polite (there’s three important “P’s” there!).
Remember that discrimination on the basis of race, religion or gender, etc. is illegal these days and in fact, many employers are focused on inclusion and building diversity into their workforce (which is a good thing and something in your favor). See your gender status as a positive thing, an asset that sets you apart from your competition.
Finally, if you are not successful on this occasion don’t just assume that it’s because of your gender status. It may simply be because someone else was more qualified or experienced. Learn from the experience, dust yourself off, and move onto the next one.
Monika: Could you tell me about the importance of love in your life?
Ashley-Marie: I believe that we all need love in our lives hun, or else we would wither and die like a rose in the desert. But to receive love we must give love out to others.
Then of course there are different kinds of love... the enormous love we feel for our children, the love we have for our partner, and the love we have for our friends and the rest of humanity in general. But regardless of where we direct our affections, true selfless love is divine and timeless and never ends. It transcends space and distance and binds us together as a species.
Now that all sounds very romantic but the reality is that we can literally spend years on our own and start to wonder if anyone will ever love us again... then all of a sudden and right out of the blue we can be proved completely wrong and find ourselves floating away on a cloud of smiles and happiness. Lol. Yeah, I like being in love.
Monika: Many transgender ladies write their memoirs. Have you ever thought about writing such a book yourself?
Ashley-Marie: Another good question, yes I have thought about publishing a book of trans-related poetic works and interspersed with stories from my and others' transition experience, some funny, some not so funny... So rather than an anthology, more like a commentary on reality, but one that will touch the hearts of many of our sisters and brothers in a positive and hopefully uplifting way.
Monika: What is your next step in the present time and where do you see yourself within the next 5-7 years?
Ashley-Marie: My next step? If you mean my transition plans, I am booked in for vocal surgery in May this year and in 2022 I should have saved enough for GRS (I hope). If you’re referring to life in general, I take much of that as it comes, day by day. I certainly hope my future continues to have Bill in it ️and I expect that I'll be working until I turn up my toes basically but other than that simply happiness is my hope and my plan.
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| "I have thought about publishing a book of trans-related poetic works and interspersed with stories from my and others' transition experience." |
Monika: What would you recommend to all transgender women that are afraid of transition?
Ashley-Marie: Well firstly I'm very familiar with that fear of transition. It kept me firmly locked in the closet for 50 years! But fear is a liar and a deceiver, and it took until my desire to break free of that self-imposed mental prison grew stronger than my fear of what other people might think before I was able to actually change my life to the one I so desperately wanted. So fear is our enemy and unfortunately a natural consequence of existing in our society but it's not impossible to overcome. We need to be objective and neutralize its hold over us by speaking to other post-transition women, and seek support and friendship from those who have achieved a successful transition.
Also part of that is asking them to help you make a workable transition plan, one that makes it clear that “yes, this is actually possible” because often we doubt our ability to “pull it off successfully” whereas successful gender transition IS possible.
As I've said, that's what my Facebook page is for, basically a platform and a safe place for women to connect and find the support they so desperately need. I am passionate about offering support and accurate information and encouragement to pre-transition and transitioning girls who may still be struggling with coming out and embracing their true identities.
So I’d suggest the following: 1) Get positive support; 2) Make a plan and ask someone who has succeeded to help you; 3) Rationalise and neutralize the crippling fear that's keeping you oppressed by ingesting good positive company and information; 4) Face your fears... they aren’t as tough as you think; 5) Speak to a gender specialist psychologist about your feelings and your fears and ask them to support you.
Sometimes it's fear of exposing our gender variance to a partner or wife, for example. That can be a huge mental roadblock for some people and one that needs to be addressed. But I have no magic formula apart from the above.
Monika: My pen friend Gina Grahame wrote to me once that we should not limit our potential because of how we were born or by what we see other transgender people doing. Our dreams should not end on an operating table; that’s where they begin. Do you agree with this?
Ashley-Marie: Hmmm, I think so. However, gender dysphoria can lead to a lifetime of negative coping mechanisms such as drugs and alcohol for example and these things WILL limit one’s potential.
As far as what other trans people are doing, there are going to be both positive and negative examples so we must be selective about what or who we allow to influence us.
Now, dreams shouldn’t end on an operating table? No, definitely not. Surgery is a means to an end and a powerful tool in the transitioning person’s arsenal. So I agree that it’s usually the start of a much more fulfilling experience.
May I leave you with one poem that is very close to my heart?
Secret Maiden
Come forth thou secret maiden fair
Come forth into the world
The hidden truth I shall declare
This boy is now a girl.
Your gentle heart and mind it's true
Should not have been contained
No longer shall they silence you
No more to be ashamed.
So dry your tears and grieve no more
Your golden locks unfurled
The stolen years I now restore
Come forth into the world.
Ash (C) 2021
Monika: Ashley-Marie, it was a pleasure to interview you. Thanks a lot!
Ashley-Marie: It's been my pleasure, Monika. Thank you for asking me.
END OF PART 2
All the photos: courtesy of Ashley-Marie Eden.
© 2021 - Monika Kowalska
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