Monika: The journey to being our true selves often comes with a heavy price, losing friends, family, and sometimes even our jobs. What was the hardest part of coming out for you, and how did you navigate it?
Bree: Navigating transition in a marriage was the hardest thing in my life right away. It’s hard for a lot of us. When I came out, I was asking for help and advice on Reddit (bad idea), because it was my only resource, and the only advice I was getting, because of the group experience, was “get a lawyer.” Like, the immediate conclusion these girls were reaching was that “this relationship is not going to work, so please don’t bother even trying, she’s just going to hold you back.” And that was so heartbreaking to read over and over, especially because I was desperately trying to assure my wife at the time that I still wanted to be with her. I didn’t need people telling me how to protect myself. I needed people telling me how to help her understand what I was going through and how I was feeling. But the prevailing opinion was that a spouse who wasn’t immediately supportive would just bulwark any attempts to be myself.
And, admittedly, they were right to a degree. As a couple, every decision, every choice, every circumstance affects two people. I was immediately signing her up for something that she had no idea was coming. I was taking our straight, cis, heteronormative family and putting it in the crosshairs of the most contentious culture war in decades. When trans people come out, there is that first dam-burst of emotions and desires, and there’s this point where they start to realize that everything they can think of is possible in a way. So anyone standing in the way of those possibilities becomes an obstacle to overcome, not a person to listen to. After all, the conversation so often contains attributes of the bodily autonomy issue.
Monika: That first dam-burst of realization comes across as powerful, but also potentially overwhelming. How did you keep your relationship from being swept away by it?
Bree: I didn’t have a lack of obligations that would allow me to chase my dream with abandon. I burst forth and was immediately confronted by a new dam: the dam of my marital bonds. That was hard. We had to learn how to make what I wanted work for both of us. I had to learn how to communicate what I wanted, and why I didn’t want it to take me away from her. My wife had to learn what it was that she wanted and what it was that she was afraid of losing. Together, we had to figure out what our marriage and relationship were going to look like and how we were going to have to navigate the world. We had to make this dam provide hydropower and not just stop both of us. She helped direct the torrent of emotions that I was feeling.
She helped narrow and focus my desires and get to the root of what I was searching for. Once I was able to open up to my wife and communicate what was important for both of us, and how we could help each other with our goals, life got much less hard. The dam burst became much more controlled. Transition is a slow process, and we are not able to do everything we want right away. There’s a long period of figuring out the steps to take. During that time, I was able to slowly build a foundation of what I wanted and what was within reach.
Monika: That kind of communication and patience feels like a beautiful (and rare) way to evolve together. How did you approach the changes you hoped for in your transition, especially the ones that felt far off at first?
Bree: It was hard to think about things like FFS and SRS at first. I didn’t even know what I wanted at first because I didn’t know what was possible for me yet. But I had to be honest in every instance when I said I would consider surgery to look more feminine because yes, I would absolutely want to look more feminine if it were that easy. It’s easy to imagine our partner being immediately different or being upset with them having a different look, but it’s not as easy to imagine the day-to-day and the gradual change that leads there. I had to have the freedom to at the very least research opportunities and ask for consultations.
We’re not signing up for any big steps to happen the very next day, but when we’re dealing with something as heavy as a gender transition, it’s easy to see those big steps, like life-altering surgeries, as ominous mountains in the distance. But I’m here to tell you, as someone who is very close to the top of that mountain: by the time you’re ready to climb, you’ll be amazed at how far you already are.
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| "I feel like trans women were the best-kept secret in the world." |
Bree: I feel like trans women were the best-kept secret in the world. I knew about trans men like Chaz Bono and others because of sensationalist news headlines like “man gives birth,” but trans women were invisible to me. I think it was intended that I never really counted the over-dramatized portrayals we were given of “men in dresses” in the media as examples of what I was feeling. Movies and TV shows always made the idea of a man wanting to be a woman a laughable trope, and I couldn't see the beauty in it.
My life was steeped in comedy, as it was one of my few escapes, and so every portrayal of a ‘man dressed as a woman’ that I saw was as a punchline and never treated with severity or tenderness. It’s where the loneliness really started. I thought the desire to be a woman was a shameful idea that normal men did not have, and no one should ever want that, because look how silly that is. As the trans community started to get more representation over the past 15 years, I still didn’t feel equally represented, because my lack of dysphoria led me to believe that I was, once again, in a class all my own and not “trans enough.” I wasn’t like “those people.”
Monika: It sounds like visibility alone wasn’t enough, you needed something or someone that reflected your experience more accurately. When did that finally begin to change?
Bree: Exactly. Without specific, relatable examples, I was left to rely on the stereotypes I knew and create my own ideas of trans people. Most unfairly, however, “those people” were stereotyped and maligned amalgamations of cis people’s imaginations. They weren’t actual trans people. I was judging trans people based on the standards of Matt Stone and Trey Parker. Again, this is just another reason that I want to be as open as I am. I don’t want people to feel alone like I did. I don’t want there to be more girls who are convinced that they can tough it out in their misery. No one should have to feel the misery that I felt, where it just becomes your norm.
I could never connect with anyone because I could never find anyone. I didn’t know how to get out of my own head. I couldn’t recognize how miserable I was because I had no idea how happy I could be. I had a friend since childhood who started her transition only a few years before me, and I would occasionally talk to her about what she was going through. But even then, it was hard for me to connect with her story, because she had started her journey as genderqueer, and then evolved to gender-fluid, and then trans female. I, in my ignorant male state, only wanted to be a girl and wasn’t interested in playing with “queerness”… It wasn’t until much, much later, when I was already looking for resources on what I was going through, that I finally started finding girls like me.
Monika: Many of us feel the pressure to “pass” as women, and even after surgeries, society keeps judging us. How do you personally deal with the outside world’s expectations?
Bree: One of the first things I had to do when beginning my journey was embrace the idea that I would never be as much of a woman as I wished I could be. I would not be a cis woman in this life. I’ve mentioned before that my transition also began the day I said I no longer had to be perfect, and I’ve tried to carry that into my journey. I like to remind myself that I can be pretty, but it isn’t my focus. Again, a huge part of my identity is my visibility, and I almost feel obligated to show that I can “pass” but often don’t.
I don’t want to only show off on the days when I look good. I want to show that this is every day for me, and not every day is pretty. I’m just a normal woman who gets lazy some days and wants to be stunning on other days. We, as trans women, idolize the girls that make it, the ones that truly exemplify the femininity we’ve all been chasing for so long, and I’m no different. But as a late transitioner, I was very aware that the limitations of HRT and age could be an issue for me. That wasn’t going to stop me; I just had to set realistic expectations with myself.
Maybe I wasn’t going to be the high point of trans women models, but I could still be a beautiful woman, and I could still be happy. I have always wanted to show realness and honesty. I do “Makeup-Free Mondays” so I can demonstrate that even though you may know me for being pretty, there are plenty of days when I’m not. My beauty is not what defines my womanhood, I do. I want to show the girls who are on the fence what realistic expectations look like, and that it’s happiness above all that’s important. I don’t want anyone to think they can’t do this because they can’t be as pretty as so-and-so.
Monika: What are your thoughts on the current situation for transgender women in your country?
Bree: Yeah… it’s bad… I live in one of the safest states to live in, and I’m still incredibly worried. My relative safety is a privilege and a major reason why I feel the need to speak up while I can. Not everyone else has the ability to be loud and proud. Not everyone has the privilege to be who they want to be. I owe it to my sisters who are just trying to survive to be out here showing that we are just normal, caring people with multi-faceted experiences who just want to live our lives and be active in our communities. We aren’t a threat to anyone or anything.
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| "I have always wanted to show realness and honesty." |
I worry about our community, as it’s such a stressful time. It’s easier to pick on each other and direct our frustration at those closest to us. We have to spend less time thinking about the ways our differences in origin story or sexual identity divide us. We’re trans. We’re in this together. We need to keep going together. There have been and will always be trans people. Where we came from and how we got here doesn’t matter. We’re here now, and we need to be together so that we can finally push past a critical point in our history and establish transgender identities as accepted and understood. We need to keep going so that the ones who come after us have an easier time.
Monika: How would you describe your personal style? Do you follow any specific fashion trends, or do you have go-to outfits that make you feel confident?
Bree: Ever-changing! I’ve gone through multiple phases now, like my athleisure phase, my bubblegum phase, my androgynous phase. The one I’m currently in is my basic mom phase. I like what I like. I’m eclectic, I guess. I’ve waited so long just to do basic things like eyeliner, skirts, leggings, dresses. I’m not so concerned about following trends. I love trying things and seeing what looks good.
Monika: Do you love playing around with makeup, or is it more of a “throw on the basics and go” kind of vibe for you?
Bree: Every now and then, I get the desire to learn some new things. I often feel like I’m not doing enough or haven’t tried hard enough to get really good. Maybe I should be trying harder to look better? I recognize that there is still so much I don’t do because I don’t understand it. I still don’t have the hang of contouring down, so I just like to stick to the basics like BB cream and eyeliner. Eyeliner makes all the difference in the world. I always feel better when I have my eyes done. If I’m doing a video that I’ve planned for, I’ll do my makeup, but I also release shorts when I haven’t had proper time to “get pretty” and don’t want to pass up a fun idea. I’m not only a girl when I do my makeup, I just like it sometimes.
Monika: By the way, do you like being complimented on your looks? Do you find it easy to accept compliments, or do you struggle with believing them?
Bree: I don’t always believe them, no. I think that’s just an endemic part of being trans and struggling with dysphoria. But I do love compliments. I especially love giving compliments. I don’t think anyone can ever have enough. Instagram or Threads may tell me to consider altering my message because it’s too similar to others, but who cares? You can never tell someone you think they’re special too much.
I think community compliments are the cure for dysphoria. Sometimes we need each other to remind us of what we can’t see because we’re used to seeing the same thing every day. Those little changes are more noticeable to people outside our immediate circles. I had to get better at accepting compliments without immediately defaulting to a self-deprecating excuse. People like to know that their compliments made an impact. We all want to know that we were seen and heard. I like to take time to thank people who took the time. I don’t want to come off as ungrateful for the attention, ever.
That said, I am very open about the fact that I am happily married and raising kids, and I think that helps naturally filter out people who might take the idea of compliments too far and think they can shoot their shot. And to anyone who does, they are swiftly blocked. There are appropriate ways to tell a woman she’s pretty.
Monika: Did you ever feel pressure to meet a certain ideal of femininity, like I did by trying to look like the women around me?
Bree: Without a doubt. The pull is still there, but I’m better at resisting it now. Now that I’m out and living my life, there’s a pressure to blend in with the cis community, and a pressure to stand out with the trans community. I’ve always wanted to be a girly girl. THIS gestures flamboyantly at self is not a result of pressure. If anything, it’s the result of a release of pressure. Now, my struggle is less aesthetic and more about personality, worrying about whether I’m doing the online thing the “right way,” making the right friends, saying the right thing. I have to remind myself that I got here by being me. I can’t stop being authentic, for better or worse.
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| "I’m just trying anything I can right now." |
Bree: Your question has brought up some interesting thoughts because I’m noticing that I felt the pressure to be a certain kind of woman even before I came out. Without even realizing it, I had been putting immense pressure on myself by thinking there was no way to be the woman I wanted to be. My ideal of femininity was a cis woman capable of having children, and so I was convinced I had to be born a cis woman to be a woman, and I had to have the proper reproductive capacities. By putting that condition on femininity, the one of sexual function, I didn’t allow myself to explore anything in between. I could never imagine how a normal woman would live during the 99% of her life that she does not spend pregnant! In fact, I expressly forbade myself from imagining that kind of thing.
Monika: And once you realized that, did anything shift in how you saw yourself or your transition?
Bree: This is why I say that my misogynist views and lack of understanding of women were the biggest hindrance to starting my journey. Viewing humans through a sex-based lens is dangerously reductive, and it prevented me from asking myself simple questions like, “Could I be happier? Would I worry less? How would I interact with people? Would I smile more? Would I feel as much obligation to do certain things that I don’t like?”
Instead, I hid behind this idea of perfectionism, an “all-or-nothing” mindset, and used that self-imposed pressure to convince myself that my suffering served a greater purpose. The pressure was there to endure, to prove to I-don’t-even-know-who that I was strong and that I could carry this burden. All of us trans people have had to escape those societal shackles of gender norms just to get to where we are today. I don’t want to subject myself, or anyone else, to a new kind of restriction or a new box to fit into after just breaking those previous bonds.
Monika: What was the most surprising part of your transition, something you never expected, whether good or bad?
Bree: How much of this journey was about my personality and character emerging, as much as my sexuality and gender expression. I obviously transitioned because I wanted to be a woman, but I was not prepared for how gregarious it would make me, or how extroverted I would become; how vivacious I would want to be, or how animated I am in my delivery. I’m so much more energetic and joyous. I’ve become so much more interested in people and the stories of others, and I feel so much more invested in the people around me.
Finally being proud of who I am and happy with my decisions has made me less afraid to experience life. I became less afraid of making mistakes, trying things, or being perceived as trying. I think that was a huge step in and of itself. I used to be TERRIBLE at practicing things around others. Now, I’m posting the worst pictures of myself, with five o’clock shadow, messy hair, goofy smiles, etc., because I’m having fun trying things! Having the confidence to not care if I was being seen as less than good at something was another unburdening of the internalized misogyny I had placed on myself.
Monika: Many trans women are /writing their memoirs these days. Have you ever thought about writing your own book, and if so, what would its central message be?
Bree: No! I haven’t, honestly. Not a biography, at least. I think about leaving behind pieces of my personality more than my story. My videos are a good example of that. I really like to have fun and be silly. I want to create things that make people smile and laugh. I want people to remember the art I left behind. If people are interested in me, I’m more than happy to tell my story, but I still don’t feel like I’m anyone special.
That said, my message is very much: “Let yourself happen.” I feel like so much of our lives as transgender people are spent policing behavior and self-expression. Pre-transition, I was constantly overthinking basic behaviors, like where I was putting my hands or how I was holding myself. We have to be able to let go of the restrictions we impose on ourselves. We have to stop asking, “Would a girl do this? Would a boy do this?” Don’t even ask! LET GO! We’re doing more than “being ourselves.” We’re freeing ourselves. We’re recognizing every single part of our id and bringing them together in one harmonious being. Ours is not a denial of self, but a recognition of self, an embracing of self. By letting ourselves happen, not being what we or anyone else thinks we should be, we allow joy to work through us. We embrace the journey, and we find solace in no longer having to fight.
Monika: Finally, what’s next for Bree? What dreams and goals are you working toward now?
Bree: Gosh, I’m just trying anything I can right now. I’m going to be expanding my art and supporting my family while my kids are so young. I would love to put more praxis into my activism, and I’m hoping to get some kind of job within our community. I’d love to do more than feel like I’m only getting my name out there. Being visible for the community is one thing, but I would love to have more direct involvement with aid organizations and community outreach.
I recently spoke with Brianna Titone, one of our state representatives, and I’m going to be devoting some of my time to help her with her bid for State Treasurer. This is the year of a few big things, but I don’t feel safe counting on them. Despite having hard plans, everything feels very tenuous. I’m not sure if the medicine I need will even be available for me months from now, yet I persist.
Monika: Bree, thank you so much for sharing your journey and insights.
Bree: Oh my gosh, no, this was such an honor and I’m so flattered to have this opportunity to speak with you! Thank you so much, Monika! Truly!
END OF PART 2
All photos: courtesy of Bree C.
© 2025 - Monika Kowalska
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