Monika: Do you remember the first time you met a transgender woman in person? What was that experience like, and
how did it make you feel?
Chloe: I think the first time I ever saw a trans woman was at the Way Out Club in 2000. I was fascinated by all
things trans, so I went there and was just walking around, because I wanted to be close to trans people, see trans
people, see what it was all like. My heart was going, because again it was something I wanted so much but refused to
acknowledge. So when I was seeing real trans people it was like: this is what you are. And it’s like, no, it’s not.
No, it’s not.
Monika: Many of us feel the pressure to “pass” as women, and even after surgeries, society keeps judging us. How
do you personally deal with the outside world’s expectations?
Chloe: I struggle with this, because I think I pass, but I don’t know, and it’s that uncertainty that bothers me. If
I knew I didn’t pass, I’d be able to act accordingly. I assume I pass because pretty much every time in day-to-day
life I get “Miss” or “Señorita”, or sometimes “Señora”, which is annoying, because that means they’re saying I’m
old. When I go on dates with boys, quite often they don’t know. But sometimes somebody knows, and that really shakes
me up a little. People who are familiar with trans people tend to know, but I don’t know that they know, and it’s
the not knowing that bothers me.
I’m not ashamed to be trans, but in my day-to-day life I want to live 100% as a woman, because that’s what I am, and
that’s how I want to be treated. So it’s that second-guessing. But I’ve only been in transition since January 2024,
so shy of three years, and I’m sure I’ll get used to it and it will become more and more normal. The reason I want
to pass is because I’m a woman and I want everybody to see me and treat me as a woman. I know without argument that
we shouldn’t have to pass, we should just get to be, and that we’re women regardless. But it is important to me,
because I live as a woman and want to be treated as such.
Monika: I remember the time right after my transition, it was pure euphoria. My closet is still full of dresses
and shoes that I literally bought by the dozens back then, and I must have tried on hundreds. I felt like I had to
make up for all those years that were taken from me. Did you feel the same way?
Chloe: Maybe slightly differently. I can remember the first time I tried clothes on, oh, that was a disaster. I used
to work out a lot, so I had fairly big muscles. I’d buy these tops I’d always longed to wear, take them home, try
them on, and it looked very much like a muscly man in a vest top. It looked awful and it caused gender dysphoria.
But if I accidentally got it right, and the cut suited me and gave me a female silhouette, it was like, “Yes!”
Obviously you have to do your research, learn your body shape and what fashions work for you, and we all make
massive faux pas. I bought a ridiculous amount of shoes to start with. My wife called me Imelda Marcos!
Monika: You’ve mentioned gender dysphoria and the feeling of not having transitioned earlier. Did that sense of having missed out become something you had to grieve as well?
Chloe: For the longest time I really grieved, very heavily, over the fact that I am not, and never will be, cis. I grieved
that I never got to be a little girl, never got to go through those formative years as a girl or a female. And then
I grieved: why was I so stupid, why did I wait until I was 45 to transition? I was more sorry for myself that I
didn’t transition when I was 15, which is why I’m wearing 90s clothes now, because I would have been 15 in 1993. I’m
also still into 1987 fashion, like Sharon Stone in Total Recall, which is basically how I wanted to look when I was
nine, without realizing I was trans. So there was a desire to get as many clothes as possible and look as femme as
possible, but it looked a bit rubbish. I had to learn, and there was a longer grief about missing out and not
transitioning soon enough.
|
| “I’m not ashamed to be trans.” |
Monika: Do you remember the first piece of clothing, pair of shoes or beauty product that made you think, “Oh, I
really enjoy being able to do this now”?
Chloe: That’s a good question. Oh crap. You know what, I don’t think I do. When I was doing the FaceApp and all
that, I started cross-dressing again, and I immediately bought shoes because the feet in the photos looked terrible.
I also bought false nails. I liked wearing them, but I was nervous about the nails not coming off, nervous about
getting caught. So it was feeling good but feeling apprehensive. And as I explained, when I bought some clothes they
weren’t exactly how I wanted to look. So I don’t remember the exact point where I bought something I’d liked online,
it arrived, I put it on and it was like, “Yes, that works.” That happens most of the time now, but I can’t remember
the specific item when it first happened. Most of the time I love getting ready, though sometimes it can be a pain. It’s like, “What am I going to wear
today?” I’ll show you the trousers I bought in Argentina (Chloe is wearing cool baggy leopard print trousers). I’ve
got salsa later, so it’s kind of my salsa outfit.
Monika: And has there been a moment when someone treated you completely ordinarily as a woman, without knowing or
apparently caring that you are transgender, that stayed with you?
Chloe: You know how celebrities say they don’t remember the good stuff on social media, they just remember the
critics? For me, I remember being misgendered more than being correctly gendered. When I was first starting my
transition, people would correctly gender me because they were being nice, but the ones who misgendered me stick
with me. I remember going to an event in a short skirt and big heels, leaving the auditorium, and a lady near the toilets
said, “The gents are over there.” This was in 2024, before all the toilet nonsense in the UK, and that really hurt.
Or going to restaurants and being asked “What would you like, sir?” That doesn’t really happen anymore. And again,
the first time someone called me “Miss” I’m pretty sure they knew I was trans.
Monika: How would you describe your personal style? Do you follow any specific fashion trends, or do you have
go-to outfits that make you feel confident?
Chloe: I love fashion, I really love it. My fashion heroes are Sylvie from Emily in Paris for chic, classy Parisian;
Debbie Harry for that punk 70s feel; and Stevie Nicks for the witchy, gypsy, flowing 70s stuff. I also like to dress
a little more trashy sometimes, or 90s, but I never fully go all the way. It’s the same with makeup: when I try
dramatic makeup I never go that dramatic. I like to take my eyeliner further than before, but when I’m finished it
looks great, or I think it does, and I still look kind of respectable. I’ve not gone crazy. My go-to favorite outfit is a pair of baggy Levi’s jeans that I absolutely love. And I don’t want to blow my own
trumpet, but I have really good legs, so in the summer if I wear short shorts I think, “The girl’s got
it.”
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| “I love fashion, I really love it.” |
Monika: Do you love playing around with makeup, or is it more of a “throw on the basics and go” kind of vibe for
you?
Chloe: Yes, I do. I still get videos on Instagram with makeup tricks and I’m like, “Save, save, save, try that.”
There’s also a girl on TikTok or Insta who tries the trending videos, and with concealer she ends up with big white
panda eyes, and she makes me laugh every time. I’ve done a few of those. I’ve poked myself in the eye with a mascara
wand a few times, and like I said, I try to go dramatic but it doesn’t necessarily work, but I love trying stuff.
I’ve got a few tips. I always use white eyeliner, that’s one of my golden tips, and I’m getting better at wings. My
basics are foundation, blusher (I love a bit of blusher), eyebrows, mascara and my white eyeliner, so that’s my
normal daytime look. If I’m going out I’d do a smoky eye and winged eyeliner. For the longest time I could not do
false eyelashes, but I think I’ve cracked it: here in Argentina I bought tiny segments of eyelashes, and putting
them on one at a time is much easier than trying to put on a full caterpillar. Touch wood, I keep saying I’ve
cracked it.
Monika: By the way, do you like being complimented on your looks? Do you find it easy to accept compliments, or do
you struggle with believing them?
Chloe: Monika, I flipping love compliments, I’m not shy. Of course I love compliments, and I’d say I find it easy to
accept them. It’s quite easy online, when someone says you’re beautiful you’re like, “Yeah, whatever,” and you tend
to remember the horrible comments, but I still like to hear them. I’m terrible, I’m like Muttley with medals. But in
the flesh, especially with a boy who says “You’re beautiful,” I’m like, “I love it,” but does he really mean it, is
he going to change his mind? So maybe I do have trouble accepting them without realizing it. But it reassures me.
Monika: Did you ever feel pressure to meet a certain ideal of femininity, like I did by trying to look like the
women around me?
Chloe: The only pressure, I think, was from myself, because that’s how I wanted to look. Like a lot of people say, I
like boys now, I never realized I liked boys, but it’s pretty obvious that I do. All of my previous girlfriends,
most of them had blue eyes and blonde hair, so it’s kind of how I always wanted to present or look. So yes, I put a
lot of pressure on myself. I exercise every single day, like a crazy person. And when gender dysphoria hits, like an episode I had here: I got a tattoo on my lower back, and when the artist
showed me the video, my back looked quite straight, and rather than looking at the tattoo it just sent me
spiralling. I thought, “I’ve got a man’s hips.” I knew it was dysphoria, because I’d had episodes throughout my life
and especially through my transition, and I knew it would pass, but for 24 to 48 hours I was really, really upset.
So yes, I put a lot of pressure on myself to look the best I can, because I want to look good.
|
| "The first person I told I was trans was my GP." |
Monika: Your transition also involved navigating the NHS and its waiting lists. How did the practical realities of
the healthcare system compare with what you imagined transition would involve?
Chloe: The first person I told I was trans was my GP. After FaceApp and cross-dressing, two or three weeks later,
and loads of tests online, plus “the gender dysphoria bible”, which was a godsend (I don’t know if you’ve mentioned
that anywhere), I thought, “You are trans.” So I called my GP and cried my eyes out, the first person I’d ever said
these things to out loud. She said, “Okay, we’ll put you on the waiting list.” I asked how long that was and she
went “um”, like she didn’t want to answer. So I looked it up online afterwards: four or five years. In the end it
was just over two years for me. But as soon as I saw that, I felt helpless.
I’ve always been quite a good problem solver, so I didn’t just accept it. I knew I couldn’t change the NHS, but this
was so important that I needed to sort it out privately. I did loads of research on the best pathways for private
healthcare. I started with a gender GP, who got me started quite quickly, which was great, but I never felt
supported. With results and things it was basically do-it-yourself. About a year in, I decided I wasn’t going to
monkey around with my health, and I’d spend money I might not necessarily have had. I went to Harley Street instead.
It was expensive as anything, but the endocrinologist knew what he was doing and was able to help a lot. It’s your
health at the end of the day. Also, I thought I’d be on hormones within six months on the NHS, but no, and that did shock me.
END OF PART 2
All photos: courtesy of Chloe Kelly.
© 2026 - Monika Kowalska
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