Monika: It is so easy to become addicted to feminization surgeries. If I had more money, I probably would never stop. I would always find something that I would like to correct.
Christina: That is so true, Monika. It is a very slippery slope and it does feel like we’re always chasing instead of just being. Recovering from surgeries for an extended period of time is not easy or good for the soul. We need to start living and existing in the world as our authentic selves. We need to have fun and create new experiences. Make sure you schedule extended periods of time between procedures so you can also live your new life. I’ll never judge anyone’s choices on what and how many procedures they do because it’s a very personal thing. The images on my website are from different times in my surgical journey spanning the past three years. If I really analyze them, it seems in the early stages, I was a little more attractive but less feminine looking… But it’s all perspective and what your ultimate goals are.
However, there does come a point of diminishing returns. I think if you can get to a place where you feel feminine, safe and confident, maybe you’re done. Once you start over-analyzing your appearance and nitpicking every feature, it’s probably time to stop. If your overall vibe reads female, why take a chance on going under again? Go have fun being the hotness that you are right now… Navigating the trans-surgical journey can be so overwhelming. I’ve been advising some of my trans friends who are starting down the surgical road. The key is to find as much information as you can and try to make decisions that are right for you.
Monika: And the sequence of surgeries? What should we choose first, FFS or SRS?
Christina: That’s a great question. I did SRS last. My dysphoria wasn’t related to genitalia - at least I didn’t think it was. My initial goal was the need to pass so I addressed that first.
SRS, of course, was the real game-changer. I had no idea how much my old anatomy was affecting my dysphoria until I had SRS done - especially after having breast implants. It’s a very personal decision but if I had to do it over, I would definitely do SRS first.
Monika: Do you remember the first time you saw a transgender woman on TV or met anyone transgender in person that opened your eyes and allowed you to realize who you are?
Christina: I don’t remember the first time I saw a trans woman on TV but I do remember the first time I met one.
For the longest time I thought I was too old… It wasn't until I saw Diane Sawyer’s interview with Caitlyn Jenner (who is considerably older) that I realized it wasn't too late for me.
As much as Caitlyn has been a divisive figure in the trans community, her coming out had a huge impact on me.
Monika: Did you have any transgender sisters around you that supported you during the transition?
Christina: I had no one in my area when I first started transitioning. I had to go through most of my procedures and transition alone, and without much support. It was extremely difficult but somehow I got through it. I do have a few trans sisters in my circle now. I’m grateful for everyone and we support each other and appreciate our connection and community.
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| "I love fashion and love to get dolled up." |
Monika: What do you think about the present situation of transgender women in your country?
Christina: Of course, I’m very concerned about how trans people are being treated throughout the world - especially in the US. In Canada, it’s not as scary but there is a great need to educate the world on the trans experience. We need to bring awareness to help normalize our community. I believe it will get better and will do whatever I can to help us get there.
Monika: Do you like fashion? What kind of outfits do you usually wear? Any special fashion designs, colors, or trends?
Christina: My favorite thing to talk about!!! I love fashion and love to get dolled up. I love wearing sexy outfits and pink is my go-to color. I don’t care what the brand is as long as it’s cute and sexy, I’m tall so I don’t wear anything full length. Short skirts and dresses are my world - the shorter the better. Of course, I tone it down in public but at any event or party, I’m showing legs and cleavage… I love to go to second hand stores and thrift shops. There are always gems to be found if you take the time to look through everything.
Monika: Do you often experiment with your makeup?
Christina: No, not anymore. I have my routine and stick with it religiously. I wear makeup every day and can get ready pretty fast now. For special events or parties, I might do something slightly different but not dramatically.
Monika: I remember copying my sister and mother first, and later other women, trying to look 100% feminine, and my cis female friends used to joke that I try to be a woman that does not exist in reality. Did you experience the same?
Christina: I didn’t copy my sisters or mother but I did gravitate to celebrities that I wanted to emulate. I initially got comments about not dressing my age but this is my adolescence… I should be experimenting with how I want to be seen in the world. You can strive to be the woman you want to be. It doesn’t matter if someone thinks you’re chasing what they perceive as an unachievable goal. Often those closest put limitations on what they think we can be. I say shoot for the moon even if you just hit the stars.
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| "Validation is a big part of being trans." |
Monika: By the way, do you like being complimented on your looks?
Christina: Validation is a big part of being trans. We put a lot of effort into presenting so a compliment is very nice to hear. The trick is not putting too much weight on compliments or depending on them for your self worth. But I do love being told I look beautiful or sexy.
Monika: Do you remember your first job interview as a woman?
Christina: I do. It wasn’t a typical job interview since I’m in the entertainment business. Mine was in the form of an audition self-tape. When you audition for roles - be it TV or film, you have to video record your initial audition. It started in the pandemic and now self-tapes are the norm and commonplace in the industry. So I had to ‘audition’ (interview) without the ability to see how I was being perceived. That was hard because as humans, we are very self-critical. I absolutely hated seeing myself on tape - especially early on in my transition. I’ve become more confident since but it’s still challenging.
Monika: When I came out at work, my male co-workers treated me in a way as if the transition lowered my IQ. Did you experience the same? Do you think it happens because we are women or because we are transgender? Or both?
Christina: I have experienced that a few times. I don't think it’s always a trans thing. Some men are sexist and unfortunately, like cis women, we have to figure out how to deal with that.
Monika: Many of us live the lives of wives, mothers, and daughters, trying to forget about our past. You have decided to be an advocate of transgender rights and be vocal about our positive image in society. Have you ever felt the temptation of being in the closet, being a woman rather than a “transgender” woman?
Christina: You’re talking about going Stealth… the ultimate dream for most trans women. Oh yes, I’ve thought about it many times over the years. The thought of living in the world as a cisgender woman is beyond appealing. But I think I came to the conclusion early on in my journey that because of my height, it would be extremely difficult, if not impossible to go Stealth. If you ask my friends, they'd say no one knows I’m trans when I’m out in public but I don’t consider how I’m living now as being Stealth. Another issue for me is my voice.
As you know, a trans woman’s voice does not change on estrogen so vocal surgery is often a consideration. I’ve historically made my living as a singer so the thought of vocal surgery is terrifying. I’ve spent a lot of money on trans voice lessons but I found while improving my female sound, I was losing the lower end of my voice - which most trans women would love. My issue? I sing in both the male and female vocal ranges in my show. I started stressing about how I’d do my show without some kind of lower range so I stopped the lessons. I’ve accepted (at least for the time being) that my voice is my voice and people will have to deal with it. If I get to the point where I don't need my voice to make a living, I’ll reconsider.
Monika: What would you advise to all transwomen looking for employment?
Christina: Be proud of yourself and try to be as confident as you can. Try not to assume the person interviewing you is judging you on your looks. In most cases, they want the best person for the job - the one most qualified for the position. Be confident in your ability to do the job, not how you’ll look doing it. That’s really what the employer is looking for.
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| "The hardest things in life often take the most sacrifice but they’re always worth the effort." |
Monika: Are you involved in the life of the local LGBTQ community?
Christina: I am. There isn't a large trans community near me but there is a thriving LGBTQ community.
Monika: Could you tell me about the importance of love in your life?
Christina: I think it’s imperative. I definitely want to find love again. I want to experience that feeling of being with someone you’re crazy about who’s absolutely crazy about you. I want to wake up next to someone special; someone who makes me feel needed and desired and accepts me as I am.
Monika: Welcome to the Club of Lonely Hearts! Dating is not easy. I never know if someone is more attracted by my transgender past than by what kind of person I am… or maybe I am paranoid…
Christina: No, you’re not paranoid. I know exactly what you mean. I always pause when someone shows interest in me - especially if they know I’m trans. I question their motives. I’ve been on dating apps (I could tell you some stories…) and my images have a cis vibe.
I always put ‘trans woman’ in my profile but not everyone reads profiles. They often just look at the images and swipe…
I’ve had some interesting conversations as people try to determine if I’m pre or post op… If someone starts with, ‘what do you have down there’, I just don’t engage.
Monika: What is your next step in the present time and where do you see yourself within the next 5-7 years?
Christina: Yikes! That’s a scary question. I’m still trying to find my place in the world (geographically) and where I want to be. I’ll be making a big move in the next few years - in reality, probably this year.
I’ve thought about Europe and that's where I’ll probably end up. North America is a scary place for trans people and besides, I need a fresh start.
Monika: What would you recommend to all transgender women who are afraid of transition?
Christina: I guess my recommendation would be to fully embrace it once you know and are confident in your decision. You may feel that it may be easier not to transition - and in many ways it can be. However, it’ll only become harder not to transition when you finally realize and accept who you truly are. Fear stops most people from doing the things they desire…
But I can tell you, now being on the other side, that it’s worth all of the pain regardless of how bumpy and treacherous the road may be.
There’s no denying the challenge of being trans. If your country makes it impossible or extremely dangerous, if at all possible, move and start your journey wherever you can.
Monika: My pen-friend Gina Grahame wrote to me once that we should not limit our potential because of how we were born or by what we see other transgender people doing. Our dreams should not end on an operating table; that’s where they begin. Do you agree with this?
Christina: I completely agree. The surgeries and procedures only allow us to begin the journey. The experience of being female begins when you start presenting to the world. When you start living as the woman you are meant to be, you will begin to understand and really get to know yourself. And it is glorious.
Find your community - they’re out there. Find your chosen family and friends, your mentor - they exist and are closer to you than you think. You may feel all alone but you're not.
We are mighty and we are everywhere - sometimes just hidden a little out of view but we’re there. Do the research to find where you can exist as your true self and go for it. The hardest things in life often take the most sacrifice but they’re always worth the effort.
Monika: Christina, it was a pleasure to interview you. Thanks a lot!
Christina: Thank you so much, Monika! I appreciate you and your efforts to help our community. It is so important and you need to be commended for your efforts.
Christina xoxo<
END OF PART 2
All photos: courtesy of Christina Vegas.
© 2024 - Monika Kowalska
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