Monika: So many of us navigate the roles of wives, mothers, and daughters, often carrying the weight of our
pasts and sometimes longing to leave it all behind. Yet you've chosen to embrace your identity with such
strength, becoming an advocate and a voice for presenting a positive image of our community in society. Have
you ever felt the pull of staying in the shadows, of simply being seen as a woman, without the added layer
of being seen as a
transgender
woman?
Deanna: The beginning of my transition journey coincided with the major political shift in this country; so
much anti-trans legislation and rhetoric. I had spent my entire life fearing who and what I really am.
Beginning this journey truly unlocked something in me. I decided that I would not be quiet; I would not be
afraid. So often I am the “first” trans person that someone has encountered. I have no problem showing the
world that a trans person can be smart, kind, confident, hilarious, a devoted friend . . . and modest.
On the other hand, I often say how amazing it feels just to be accepted as female. Being called ma’am, having
a door held open for me, etc. A friend asked me if that wasn’t a contradiction; feeling good to be out and
proud as a trans woman vs. feeling good to just be seen as a cis woman. Two things can be true at once. I
think many of us have discovered that.
Monika: Choosing a name is such a deeply personal decision, one that can hold layers of significance and
meaning. How did you come to choose the name Deanna? Does it carry a special resonance for you, perhaps
representing a part of your journey or embodying a particular feeling or aspiration?
Deanna: I never thought I felt dysphoric about my male name. My previous name was Stephen Eugene. I honestly
liked my name. Before I started transition, I was talking to a man in a chat room who asked what my female
name was. When I told him I didn’t have one, he decided he was going to call me Brittany. I told him there
was no way anyone would believe I was a Brittany, so he changed it to Bethany.
When I started seeing my gender therapist and my HRT doctor, I was still using Bethany. I felt absolutely no
connection to that name. I began HRT knowing my goal was social transition, so I knew I needed to get
serious about picking a new name. Everyone close to me assumed I would use the name Stephanie as a natural
extension of Stephen. I wanted a name that was different, that wasn’t connected to him. I did not want
people to connect my female self with my former male one. I went through all sorts of names with the help of
a dear friend, but none of them felt right to me.
Monika: So, how did you eventually come to choose the name Deanna?
Deanna: Right before my mother fell seriously ill, I took her out to dinner. I had never asked what my name
was going to be if I had been the girl she wanted. I believed she would answer, “I don’t remember,” but
instead she said with no hesitation, “You were supposed to be Deanna.” From the moment she said it, I knew I
was Deanna. Eugene was a family name, and I chose Jean as a middle name to maintain that connection. I also
really like the way “Deanna Jean” sounds.
|
| "My relationship with my mother was always a challenge." |
Monika: What did it feel like to finally make that name official and hear a judge declare that you would
legally be known as Deanna Jean?
Deanna: I was terribly nervous when I went before the judge to legally change my name. I was worried about
what I was giving up and what it would ultimately mean. When the judge declared that from now on, I would be
known as Deanna Jean, I felt an enormous weight lifted off my shoulders. It was and is amazing. Most friends
and colleagues call me Dee.
Monika: When you came out, did your mother embrace you as her daughter? And do you feel any connection to
her in the way you look, carry yourself, or even in your style and mannerisms?
Deanna: My relationship with my mother was always a challenge. I was the youngest of her three male
children. I was conceived for the sole purpose of her desire to have a daughter. I think there was
disappointment on her part that she had another male child, but there is no doubt in my mind that she always
knew I was a girl. Her relationship with me was distinctly different from the one with my brothers. We had a
classic mother/daughter dynamic. Shortly after I began my transition journey, she fell ill and her health
declined rapidly. My father was in very poor health as well. I made the decision not to tell either of them.
I was not afraid to have the conversation but rather concerned about the confusion it would cause in their
remaining days. They both passed about five months after I began HRT; their deaths occurred two weeks apart.
Monika: Was there a particular moment during that time that made you feel especially connected to your
mother?
Deanna: Toward the end of her life, on one of my visits to the long-term care facility, I was shocked when a
nurse stopped me in the hallway and said, “My God, you look just like your mother.” It was the first time I
had ever been told that; it made me smile. My mother was a very strong and independent woman. I think she
worked to make sure I was strong and independent as well; notably, she did not take the same approach with
my older brothers. Even though I did not get to tell her my truth, I am confident that she knew.
Monika: Do you remember the first time you met a transgender woman in person? What was that experience like, and how did it make you feel?
Deanna: This feels so strange to admit, but I didn’t meet a transgender woman in person until after I started my transition. My therapist is a trans masculine individual, and they were really my first in-person encounter with a trans person.
Early on, they suggested I seek out community, and I began attending a transgender support group. I met all kinds of different people in those meetings; people who had fully medically transitioned; people who were not interested in any medical intervention; people who wanted to start transition but hadn’t; etc. It felt amazing to be surrounded by all these folks. It was very eye-opening for me, and it drove home my understanding that while all our stories share characteristics, they are ultimately vastly different.
Deanna: This feels so strange to admit, but I didn’t meet a transgender woman in person until after I started my transition. My therapist is a trans masculine individual, and they were really my first in-person encounter with a trans person.
Early on, they suggested I seek out community, and I began attending a transgender support group. I met all kinds of different people in those meetings; people who had fully medically transitioned; people who were not interested in any medical intervention; people who wanted to start transition but hadn’t; etc. It felt amazing to be surrounded by all these folks. It was very eye-opening for me, and it drove home my understanding that while all our stories share characteristics, they are ultimately vastly different.
|
|
"I love the beach and have such
confidence in my swimsuit!" |
Deanna: Some people don’t like me when I give an answer to this question. When I made the decision to transition, my therapist said to me: “This will be the hardest thing you ever do in your life.” They cringe when I now say that it is one of the easiest things I have ever done. I believe that even though there have obviously been challenges, I have been able to focus so much on my joy.
Monika: What do you think made it possible for you to hold on to that sense of joy despite the challenges?
Deanna: People sometimes ask how I managed that, and the honest answer is I don’t really know. I think the relief
and euphoria that I felt when I made my decision to transition was so powerful for me. I refuse to let anything take
away from it. I sincerely get up every morning so grateful that I get to be Deanna. If anyone has a problem with
that, it says much more about them than it does me.
Monika: Your circumstances were also somewhat unusual.
Deanna: The reality is everyone’s circumstances are different, and I was in a good place when I started. I did get
fired, but I had already made plans to quit and had another job lined up before the ax fell. My parents and my two
siblings had passed away, so I didn’t have to worry about how they would react. All my closest friends hold the same
inclusive beliefs as I do, so there was not any pushback there. I wish everyone could feel the way that I do.
Monika: Do you remember the first time you saw a trans woman on TV, or met one in real life, and thought, "That's
me"?
Deanna: Honestly, I don’t ever remember thinking, “That’s me!” It is much more accurate to say that I thought, “I
wish that were me.” Before I had any of the awareness or language to describe what I am, I was always in awe of
the people who had the strength to live authentically. Anytime representation happened on TV, my older brothers
would make sure I was aware that the trans people presented were “weird” and/or something to be laughed at or
joked about.
Monika: What kind of trans representation did you encounter when you were growing up?
Deanna: For most of my childhood, any trans representation I saw was primarily situation comedies where the plot
involved a male character falling for a beautiful woman (portrayed by a cis woman) only to discover she had
formerly been a male classmate. Hilarity ensued! Those stories always focused on the male character dealing with
the situation, how he felt, etc., while never bothering to attempt to tell the story of a trans woman’s journey.
The other examples I’d see would be some overly melodramatic made-for-television film where the trans character,
who possessed no idea how to dress femininely, would destroy their family and occasionally go on a murder spree.
No matter the situation, though, I clearly knew I was trans and was mesmerized by those characters.
Monika: Many of us feel pressure to "pass" as women, and even after surgeries, society keeps judging us. You've
written about facing the world's curiosity head-on rather than shielding yourself from it. How do you personally
deal with the outside world's expectations now?
Deanna: For so long I lived with the mistaken belief that I could never pass and therefore transitioning would
make my life a living hell. I told myself for decades that when I retired, I would finally allow myself to explore
living authentically. Then the pandemic happened. I realized I might not make it to retirement, so I began to
seriously think about what transition would mean.
Monika: What was the moment when you finally decided to step outside and start living authentically, regardless of
how other people might react?
Deanna: One day I decided to go out shopping fully dressed. To the world I was obviously “a man in a dress” with
five o’clock shadow and male eyewear. I got laughed at, got pointed at, and heard some rude comments. I also got
my first real taste of gender euphoria. The joy I felt that day negated everything else. I realized that passing
did not matter in the least compared to the euphoria that being myself brought to me – a true epiphany. It is
funny that I used passing as an excuse for so many years, and now that I am at the point where I generally do
pass, it doesn’t really matter to me.
|
|
"I think most people in this
world default to kindness." |
Deanna: I think most people in this world default to kindness. I also understand that there is a natural human curiosity about people who are different from us. I love when cis people genuinely ask me questions about being trans. I am never offended by it. If my being seen and vocal allows one person to understand that trans people are just people, it is worth whatever it may cost me.
Monika: What are your thoughts on the current situation for transgender women in your home country?
Deanna: It makes me sick to my stomach. The damage being done across the board will take decades to correct.
The naivety that people have about where this all can lead is terrifying.
Monika: Have you personally experienced any of this hostility or discrimination?
Deanna: I recently had a nurse refuse to take my blood for a test my doctor had ordered. I’ve had many
pharmacists refuse to fill my estrogen prescriptions. This is perfectly legal in my state, as the law allows
these “professionals” to refuse care based on their beliefs.
Monika: What frustrates you most about the way transgender issues are discussed publicly and politically?
Deanna: How any person can see the country flailing around them and have as their main concern where I pee and
wash my hands would be laughable if it were not the reality. It is infuriating to hear people say that trans
people want “special rights” when the truth is we just want the same. It is disturbing that any time trans issues
are discussed on TV or anywhere else, it is cisgender people doing the talking; trans people are not included in
the conversation.
Monika: You also mentioned trans children. What concerns you most about what young trans people and their
families are facing today?
Deanna: I especially hate what trans kids are going through. We have a generation of young people who grew up
being told it was safe to be who they are, and now they are at the center of a hate campaign they have no control
over. I cannot imagine the confusion and pain they must feel. Any parent supporting their child through this is
just an amazing person. We should celebrate and support them in any way that we can.
Monika: I remember the time right after my transition, it was pure euphoria. My closet is still full of
dresses and shoes that I literally bought by the dozens back then, I must have tried on hundreds. I felt like
I had to make up for all those years that were taken from me. Did you feel the same way?
Deanna: Yes, euphoria! I have way too many clothes. I haven’t really thought of it as making up for lost time, but
that must be part of it; the floodgates were open. For me, I bought a lot of pieces thinking, “I could never wear
that!” It just brought me happiness knowing they were hanging in my closet. I must admit, about many of those “I
could never wear that” items, I have worn them, and it felt amazing. Shoes are frustrating. I wear a US women’s
size 12. Most retailers only stock or manufacture up to a size 11. If you do find a 12 in a store, it is the most
basic, bland thing you have ever seen. I definitely need to up my shoe game.
Monika: How would you describe your personal style? Do you follow any specific fashion trends, or do you have
go-to outfits that make you feel confident?
Deanna: I love this question because when I first started transition, I was naïve and surprised to learn a lot of trans folks struggle with finding their style. I knew from a very early age exactly what I’d want to wear if I were a girl. As Stephen, I always wore loose clothing and very much never wanted my body to show. Deanna is decidedly different. I love my body and embrace every curve. I honestly wear some things now I never imagined I would have the nerve to wear. I love the beach and have such confidence in my swimsuit!
|
| "I especially hate what trans
kids are going through." |
When I started my journey, I had in my head that I’d never wear pants again; I imagined I would only wear skirts and dresses. That hasn’t worked out in practice. I would say my style is professional and feminine. I occasionally feel like I may be dressing a little young for my age, but I have learned to be okay with that. There is a song from an old Rodgers and Hammerstein musical titled “I Enjoy Being a
Girl,” and that is undoubtedly me.
Monika: Do you love playing around with makeup, or is it more of a "throw on the basics and go" kind of vibe for you?
Deanna: I am usually a “throw on the basics and go” kind of girl unless I am going out for a special occasion. I wore a lot more before my laser treatments on my beard; I was always very bothered by my five o’clock shadow. Many of my cis friends are dealing with perimenopause and give me a hard time about not wearing any foundation. I do love a cupid’s bow lip and always wear mascara.
A friend said to me once, “Why wear blush if no one is going to see it?” You can always see I’m wearing a bit of blush. Nothing is better than having my nails done, and I love rocking a French manicure. I always say that if men ever discover how amazing pedicures are, women would never be able to get near the salons.
END OF PART 2
All photos: courtesy of Deanna Haynes.
© 2026 - Monika Kowalska
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