Monika: And your university years?
Ellah: Leaving high school for university didn't work for me, I was too stoned to do anything, and for a job, well, that is the moment where you need to fully expose your gender, you know. So after 2 years of experimenting with hard drugs and drinking, I was totally depressed and unhealthy, then that was psychedelics, thoughtful, deep experiences but there was a problem every time I was back into the real world.
I knew I had something from my childhood that I was hiding, something simple as "this is not my gender, I want to change", which was preventing me from doing anything true or correct in my life. And now that was destroying my body and my mind. I knew that I was trying to follow something that my parents wanted for me that was not me and I was screwing everything up. It was like living a lie all the time.
I knew I had something from my childhood that I was hiding, something simple as "this is not my gender, I want to change", which was preventing me from doing anything true or correct in my life. And now that was destroying my body and my mind. I knew that I was trying to follow something that my parents wanted for me that was not me and I was screwing everything up. It was like living a lie all the time.
Monika: Did you panic?
Ellah: I've had panic attacks every day from waking up because I felt that was not even my body. Gender dysphoria can be really frightening and dangerous to yourself if you're not listening to what your mind is telling about you if you're doing things the way people think you are. If you know you're a girl, then you are a girl and that's it. Nobody has the right to tell you the contrary.
Ellah: I've had panic attacks every day from waking up because I felt that was not even my body. Gender dysphoria can be really frightening and dangerous to yourself if you're not listening to what your mind is telling about you if you're doing things the way people think you are. If you know you're a girl, then you are a girl and that's it. Nobody has the right to tell you the contrary.
I've had a younger brother, who, sadly is not even as powerful as a word, passed away four years ago this week. He was so intelligent and aware of so many things. He was one of the 2 or 3 people that really made me fully conscious that I was slowly transitioning without knowing it. Losing him at the beginning of my transition was worst than any nightmares but he gave me the strength to make everything true about myself and about my life, and I'm grateful to him every day.
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| OOTD (outfit of the day). |
I have started to talk to my parents about gender identities, politics, and stuff for 6 or 7 years. I wrote a letter to my dad about 5 years ago to explain to him what was a transition and what I was going to do, but they were holding to what they thought was me.
My mother is not anymore, she recognizes me as her daughter now, but that is recent, it was hard for her and she told me she had to reconsider everything she knew about femininity. My father is totally aware of my transition and understands it conceptually I think, but he's still referring to me as "he", which is humiliating for me and raising eyebrows around him because no one knows who he's referring to, using those words.
I know that a transition can be really difficult sometimes for parents but I can't see this as a severe, very serious issue for them, like an illness or something; it's just about life and who we are, truly and deeply.
My mother is not anymore, she recognizes me as her daughter now, but that is recent, it was hard for her and she told me she had to reconsider everything she knew about femininity. My father is totally aware of my transition and understands it conceptually I think, but he's still referring to me as "he", which is humiliating for me and raising eyebrows around him because no one knows who he's referring to, using those words.
I know that a transition can be really difficult sometimes for parents but I can't see this as a severe, very serious issue for them, like an illness or something; it's just about life and who we are, truly and deeply.
Monika: What do you think about transgender stories or characters which have been featured in French films, newspapers, or books so far?
Ellah: Stupid and awful. We are lucky to have some cool people here, like Virginie Despentes or M. H. Bourcier. There are like 2 or 3 documentaries that are not transphobic in essence.
Everything else really gives you all the reasons to overdose on barbiturates.
For French TV - and French TV is like GOD for more than 50% of the French people at least, trans issues are associated with: transvestites, prostitutes, HIV, messy surgeries and big breasts, Thailand; and they're talking of those in a very, very bad way. Disgusting.
Ellah: Not sure. It's really complex. Even people inside LGBT could disagree a lot on questions about gender, politics and there are more concepts of feminism now.
I knew trans people who had really radical positions on politics and who wanted to be heard, and others who just wanted to disappear peacefully in the world. I'm not sure LGBT-Q-I will last very long as we know it now. The structures proposed by the LGBT community, like places to welcome kids kicked out of their home you know, are very important. Those things will stay.
But in fact, I think the need of having a real trans community found a way with the Internet. People are coming out more easily. I tend to hate social networks but it could be helpful in a way in your transition, to re-learn to interact with people, with your own image. Blogs are talking about hormone dosages, legal procedures.
What we need now (I mean here, in France) is someone that could speak for all these people, a trans person of course, that could lead discussions with politicians as giving a public image of trans people around the world that is accurate.
Monika: Do you follow politics? Do you participate in any lobbying campaigns? Do you think transgender women can make a difference in politics?
Ellah: I really do not have the time for it now sadly but I will once my degree and art school is finished, definitely. I was pretty active online about it, years ago, but again, not time enough now.
I think transwomen can make a difference, of course! And transmen too, you can learn a lot from a transman as a transwoman and vice-versa. I can't think of anything else but equality here.
And cis-people do have A LOT to learn from trans people. Sometimes it's like the world is telling us to learn from them... But I don't want that. I mean, I totally understand cis-issues and I learn a lot from my cis-friends but I hope they're learning from my transition path, even if that's a little.
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| Peaceful room. |
Monika: Do you like fashion? What kind of outfits do you usually wear? Any special fashion designs, colors, or trends?
Ellah: Ahah, yes I'm really into it. I really like 90's fashion, that is what was on movies and TV when I was a kid and how I pictured myself as an adult. That's funny it's so trendy now.
I do love contemporary clothes too. I think I love pretty much everything about Topshop. And I worship them for having a collection for tall girls with really, really cool stuff; for some reason, from colorful, patterned grungy clothes and dyed blue hair I switched slowly to black and only black. So right now that is black crop-tops/sweater, black pencil skirt or mini dress, black opaque tights, grey sometimes, my Nike blazers or Dr. Martens, like, every day.
And with this, I can't think of myself without my dyed blonde-to-grey hair and pink pastel tones! I do have some vintage jewelry, some with esoteric stuff. Just a little of gold fits well with black. And chokers. And my heart-necklace. I do really love hearts as a necklace. I'm lucky enough to have my breast grow with hormones, so I spent a lot of the money I was saving on lingerie sets, ahah!
Monika: Could you tell me about the importance of love in your life?
Ellah: That is everything to me. I love everything about love. In love with love. Deeply romantic etc...
It's like a curse sometimes. I'm single, it's been some months now, and even if that may sound childish, that makes me really sad. I'm doing a lot of cartomancy and astrology but all that is interesting to me is the heart, fate, will-I-meet-someone stuff to be honest! I'm not comfortable at all with the idea that being single is being free, cool, sleeping with whoever you want to, and on the contrary, being a couple means you're imprisoned and frustrated. I think that giving love, true and pure love to someone is the best thing that could be on Earth - and it's even greater if there's a lot of sex- and I have this in my heart.
There are so many ways to be a couple without feeling oppressed. Falling asleep in the arms of someone will always be ten thousand times better than reading a book alone until it's 4 in the morning. This can sound sad, but I can't stand it when someone tells me « oh, you're single, ah! you're lucky, you have everything for you » I'm not lucky at all. Being single could be really hard for anyone unless that's a choice. And you can't force fate. And yes, I'm totally aware that what I'm saying is really a symptom of leaving the mid-twenties to the thirties, ahah!
And being single AND trans. You can't date anyone you don't know without at a fateful moment, telling your story. And there are people you know for months or years, they tend to forget what « you really are » and when they realize it, they disappear. I'm bisexual, or pansexual, I don't care about what my sexuality is, I just know that I don't care if my partner is a man or a woman. I love both, and there's so much pleasure to receive, so much I can give. I mean that is not the problem. And there are some people that are not afraid to sleep with a transgirl. But to date her...
There's social pressure on couples. Some people prefer to be single and lonely because they only see the couple as social pressure and not as they deeply are and how they conceive it. Some people prefer to be unhappy with someone that is socially OK, I know people like that, just to have a chance to not confront themselves with something they hide inside. I'm not talking about sexuality. I'm a girl with curves and love handles, I'm tall, got piercings and tattoos, not that many but still. I'm everything but the kind of girl you would present to your parents, a girl that is socially correct. That not the case for everyone of course! But that's a reality you can't miss.
I know men or women that would really love to sleep with, date, even marry a transgirl. But in fiction. In the real world... That is a different story. Like I said, I'm absolutely romantic, so I love to think that someday, someone will come to me, will cross my path, and that person would tell me that he or she doesn't care about me being trans, but me being who I am, a girl, and someone to love. I'm saying that because I do not have the right to lose hope for now. I have faith.
Monika: Many transgender ladies write their memoirs. Have you ever thought about writing such a book yourself?
Ellah: Yes. I do. I worked on something when I started hormones but stopped. I promised myself to write a book about my transition when I will have my ID changed. Right now I'm working on micro-edited stuff, like an art-zine, to present trans-sexuality after hormone therapy begins, for transgirls and for the ones who want to be with them, like a sex manual. I was influenced by Miranda Bellwether and her "Fucking Transwomen" zine.
Monika: What would you recommend to all transgender girls struggling with gender dysphoria?
Ellah: Don't be afraid.
Monika: Ellah, thank you for the interview!
Ellah: THANK YOU !!!
All the photos: courtesy of Ellah A. Thaun.
© 2015 - Monika Kowalska
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