Monika: Are you passionate about fashion? What kinds of outfits or styles do you usually enjoy? Any favorite designers, colors, or trends you love?
Ellen: Yes, fashion has become a tremendous passion of mine. A few years ago, I went through a sort of second puberty, where I had to rediscover myself completely, including in terms of clothing. Personally, I'm a huge fan of Sandro and Maje, two exclusive fashion brands. I consider myself fortunate to be able to afford their clothes, although I had to work really hard for it. I enjoy following the fashion they offer, and I don't have a specific preference in terms of clothing type. Usually, it's a slightly sportier style, not too frilly. That's just not me. You can see plenty of it on my Instagram, ellen_in_maastricht!
Monika: I remember when I started transitioning, I tried so hard to copy my mother, my sister, and other women, sometimes chasing a version of femininity that didn’t really exist. My cis female friends even joked about it! Did you experience anything similar?
Ellen: No, I don't really relate to that. For me, dressing as a man in the past felt incredibly unnatural, so in a way, it was like coming home to myself from day one. It felt natural and right for me quite early on.
Monika: By the way, do you like being complimented on your looks?
Ellen: I think everyone enjoys that. But indeed, when you receive compliments on something you've longed for, it might be even more fulfilling.
Monika: Do you remember your first job interview as a woman?
Ellen: Not really, I have my own business so I don't have experience with that. However, I do remember the conversations I had with clients and partners during my coming out. It was a very special period in my life that I will never forget.
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| "Stay true to yourself and act from your own personality and strengths." |
Monika: When I came out at work, my male co-workers treated me in a way as if the transition lowered my IQ. Did you experience the same? Do you think it happens because we are women or because we are transgender? Or both?
Ellen: No, fortunately, I can't speak to that. People saw the same person with the same product they enjoyed working with – clients and partners. They just saw me becoming happier and radiating joy, and everyone sincerely wished that for me.
I think the reactions you described often stem from a lack of understanding of the subject matter. Fear of the unknown can lead to (often unintentional) instinctive reactions from our reptilian brain. That's why I placed so much emphasis on an extensive coming out period where I explained in detail to everyone how things were for me. This was also one of the reasons why I wrote my book. My advice is to always ensure that, as the director of your own film, your environment understands what's happening in your mind. That responsibility falls on you.
Monika: What would you advise to all transwomen looking for employment?
Ellen: Stay true to yourself and act from your own personality and strengths. The ultimate power lies in authenticity. By staying true to yourself and living authentically, you will ultimately have the most strength in your life. If a company doesn't want to hire you, then keep searching. After all, they're not the right fit for you. You shouldn't change yourself to fit an employer's mold, as that will inevitably lead to a burn-out. This unfortunately happens all too often and is not exclusive to being transgender. Do the things that align with who you are and seek alignment with a company that accepts that version of you. That's where you'll thrive, and your employer will benefit the most from your success.
Monika: Are you involved in the life of the local LGBTQ community?
Ellen: No, unfortunately, my schedule doesn't allow for that. However, I am an ambassador for Workplace Pride, a global organization.
Monika: Could you tell me about the importance of love in your life?
Ellen: Love is certainly important to me. I am grateful for the love of my parents, my many girlfriends and friends, and other relationships. I have a wonderful support network around me, which makes me feel blessed. I am currently not in a romantic relationship, but I believe it will come in due time. I meet plenty of great men, but I think all women can relate to the fact that you don't meet Mr. Right Guy immediately. That is unrelated to being transgender, I believe. As for the men who have an issue with my background, well, it's similar to the situation with that employer. It's best to move on quickly and leave them behind because they are simply not the right people for you. My advice would be not to dwell on it for too long.
Monika: What is your next step in the present time and where do you see yourself within the next 5-7 years?
Ellen: It's hard to say. My life has changed tremendously in recent years. In addition to running my business, I started coaching individuals and organizations (especially in personal growth and change management), became an ambassador for Workplace Pride, wrote my biography, and occasionally do modeling work. None of this was planned. So I try not to make too many plans and instead enjoy the opportunities that come my way. My advice is to focus on yourself, and you will see that your environment and opportunities will follow. People naturally gravitate toward someone who is strong, happy, and radiant, based on my experience.
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| "It is primarily the fear of the unknown that prevents many individuals and organizations from embracing change." |
Monika: What would you recommend to all transgender women that are afraid of transition?
Ellen: Follow your heart above all else. It is your compass in life, nothing else. Don't let yourself be guided by your surroundings or fears. Of course, by following your heart, you will encounter challenges. After all, you are venturing into the unknown. And challenges are always present in the unknown, regardless of being transgender.
However, the fact remains that true freedom and strength lie beyond that "comfort zone" in which you currently reside. Overcoming these fears and getting closer to yourself will bring you the energy and joy of living that you would never experience otherwise. Over time, you will hardly be able to imagine that you were once so uncertain that you didn't dare to choose your own happiness. You will become the hero of your own journey, the ultimate goal of my coaching program.
Monika: My pen-friend Gina Grahame wrote to me once that we should not limit our potential because of how we were born or by what we see other transgender people doing. Our dreams should not end on an operating table; that’s where they begin. Do you agree with this?
Ellen: I believe that going through a transition can bring you home to your own life, if it is truly what you desire. With the profound effects it has, both physically and mentally, in my experience, you enter a phase of life where your long-held desires become a reality. In my perception, once you have faced that confrontation with yourself, you can handle anything. Television appearances, speaking to large groups of people, photoshoots - nothing scares me anymore since then. As I mentioned before, the power of authenticity and living beyond that comfort zone is boundless!
Monika: Ellen, it was a pleasure to interview you. Thanks a lot!
Ellen: The pleasure was all mine!
END OF PART 2
All photos: courtesy of Ellen Jansen.
© 2023 - Monika Kowalska
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