Monika: Do you remember the first time when you saw a transgender woman on TV or met anyone transgender in person?
Johanna: I definitely remember that the first time I met a transgender person, I was already out myself. But I must admit that I do not recall who was the first person I met. I had seen transgender women on TV, I watched Orange is the new black with Laverne Cox for example. But I didn’t really identify with them. Before coming to terms with my own gender identity, I actually did not know much about the LGBTQ community. I remember being curious, wanting to participate in the Pride Parade for example, but not knowing how to go about it, terrified of exposing who I really was. What if someone would see me?
In the beginning, I read up a lot online and learned for example about the difference between transgender and crossdresser. I remember that I immediately knew that I was not a crossdresser, that for me it was more than about the gender expression, that I was transgender. I needed to live as a woman.
A memory from about 10-15 years ago is when I was living in Paris and commuted by car to the suburbs, passing through Bois de Boulogne every day. That was long before coming out or even being close to starting to discover who I really am, but I remember that I would be fascinated by the transgender girls I sometimes saw there. Somehow I felt a strange connection, an attraction to them.
Monika: What do you think about the present situation of transgender women in your country?
Johanna: I do indeed live in a fairly progressive country. In fact, in 1972, Sweden was the first country in the world to allow changing one’s legal gender following a specific procedure. But today we are no longer leading the development of LGBTQ rights. The legal system is outdated, we do not yet recognize the third gender, and the procedure for changing one’s legal gender is long and cumbersome. We share the same political landscape as the rest of Europe, with extreme right parties, actively working against LGBTQ rights, gradually getting more and more influence.
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| "I think I’m still in the process of finding my own personal style." |
The public health care system does not have the resources to handle all the transgender people in need of medical treatment. So we suffer in vain while the waiting lists grow longer and longer. That also was the most difficult time in my transition, the period in between my own realization that I am a woman who has to live as a woman and actually being able to start HRT. It was a period of waiting that almost seemed unbearable between the numerous appointments with different specialists, and it just felt like I was losing out on life, wasting precious time.
Monika: Do you like fashion? What kind of outfits do you usually wear? Any special fashion designs, colors, or trends?
Johanna: Yes I do like fashion. And even though I tend to buy quite cheap stuff, I spent way too much money on clothes. I think I’m still in the process of finding my own personal style so it just doesn’t make sense to spend a fortune on some designer wear. But I just love strolling around town checking out the latest outfits, or flickering through a fashion magazine. I don’t necessarily have to buy anything, but it just makes me so happy watching all the beautiful clothing.
I have a very vivid memory from early on in my transition when I was going to buy a coat for the winter and I was in the women’s department of course, but by chance, I happened to stroll into the men’s part of the shop. Even though I realized it would probably be much easier for me to find something my size there, the very thought of buying men’s clothes was revolting to me, I felt sick just thinking about it. And I eventually found a very nice coat in the women’s department.
Today with the pandemic I do all my shopping online, which has the advantage that there is a larger offering of Tall collections which fit me well. But I really miss just randomly walking about town, checking out the different boutiques. My favorite color is definitely pink. I know it’s such a cliché, but I just love the color.
Monika: Do you often experiment with your makeup?
Johanna: I’m not very extravagant with my makeup, honestly. And I eventually realized that I’m not a 25-year-old girl, even though I felt like one. So I guess I’m a bit more conservative now than I was in the beginning both when it comes to fashion and makeup, trying to fit my age. If I experiment with makeup nowadays, it is mostly about trying different eye shadows. But I do like makeup and I sometimes wish I could spend more time on it, to learn more and improve my skills. And I do rely a lot upon makeup to feel secure and enough of a woman.
Monika: By the way, do you like being complimented on your looks?
Johanna: Why, sure. Who doesn’t? It’s a sort of confirmation I guess. For me, it is very important to feel pretty. And I truly believe what they say, that true beauty comes from within. What you think and how you feel radiates from you. Living as a woman, I can love myself for who I am in a way that I never could before. My transition has also changed the way I see and take an interest in other people. I am happy and I am convinced that shows.
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| "I truly believe what they say, that true beauty comes from within." |
Monika: Do you remember your first job interview as a woman?
Johanna: Since I haven’t been out that long, I actually haven’t been in that situation yet.
Monika: What would you advise all trans women looking for employment?
Johanna: I think the number one advice in any situation is to be yourself. If you are authentic that will come through, and if you are not, that will also show. If you dare to show who you really are, my experience is that you will get a thousandfold back.
Monika: Are you involved in the life of the local LGBTQ community?
Johanna: No, sadly not. Early on in my transition I tried to contact a couple of local organizations, and I went to a few meetings, but I didn’t quite manage to find a context where I felt I could contribute and fit in. And then came the pandemic. What I have done, however, is to get involved in starting up an employee network at work, which aims to spread knowledge about diversity and inclusion in the organization. We organize four lectures every year on various topics related to diversity and inclusion, which are open for all employees. During the pandemic, they have been virtual events, which has had the advantage that more people within the company have been able to join, regardless of where they are based.
The Pride Parades were really important to me when I came out. That feeling of support and love and belonging and celebration of our differences, was an extremely powerful experience, in particular the first time I walked in a Pride Parade as myself. That was during EuroPride in Stockholm in August 2018. I hope I will be able to find a local community where I fit in one day and where I can give something back to the LGBTQ community.
Monika: Could you tell me about the importance of love in your life?
Johanna: Love is what it’s all about, isn’t it? Life I mean. Perhaps it starts with loving yourself, as a prerequisite for being able to embrace the love of others and love unconditionally. The most wonderful thing is that I can finally love myself now, that I live as the woman I am. I consider myself a heterosexual woman, and I am gradually discovering life as such. There are a lot of frogs out there, I can tell you, but as it seems, very few princes. But it’s enough with one prince or one gold nugget, as a wise man I used to be close with once told me, so until I find him, I guess I have to continue kissing frogs.
Monika: Many transgender ladies write their memoirs. Have you ever thought about writing such a book yourself?
Johanna: No, that is not something I have considered. I’m not sure if my story is that unique, to be honest. Even though I did actually have something of a talent for writing at school. I’m content spreading knowledge and sharing my story on Instagram for now.
Monika: What is your next step in the present time and where do you see yourself within the next 5-7 years?
Johanna: Well if I start with the easy part, the next big step for me in my transition is being legally recognized as a woman. All the paperwork was sent in late last year, but it is quite a slow process in Sweden. I hope to have my female legal gender confirmed before summer at least. That is quite a big thing for me, both for practical reasons and emotionally.
As for the 5-7 years perspective, I find that a bit frightening to think about, to be honest. There are so many things that are changing in my life right now, I have no idea how to even envision myself 5 years down the line. I need to take it step by step. The other day, I actually found a presentation about myself which I made in 2014, pre-transition. The final slide was entitled ‘Where am I five years from now’. Needless to say, most of it was dead wrong. For one, it did not mention that five years later I would be living as a woman! Because there was no way I could even formulate such a thought in my head at the time.
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| "The most wonderful thing is that I can finally love myself now." |
I hope that in the next 5-7 years my son has developed into a happy and healthy young man; I hope that I’m happy and healthy too; I hope that my transition is no longer something that occupies a large portion of my life; I hope that I live as my authentic self in a context where I feel I fit in, that I’ve found my place in life, and that I have people around me who care for me; I hope that I’ve tasted life as a woman without holding myself back and thereby know myself a little bit better than I do today; I hope that I’m a better dancer and that I can express my inner feelings by dancing. And I dream about having met my prince, a man who appreciates me for who I am, a man to love and be loved by.
Monika: What would you recommend to all transgender women that are afraid of transition?
Johanna: Listen to your heart. There are no rights or wrongs, but you have to be true to yourself. That is the only option. You can’t waste your life pretending that you are someone else than you actually are. That is inevitably going to end with disaster. But give yourself time to find yourself, unless you have already done so. Take it a small step at a time. And be kind to yourself. Love yourself. Be you.
Monika: My pen friend Gina Grahame wrote to me once that we should not limit our potential because of how we were born or by what we see other transgender people doing. Our dreams should not end on an operating table; that’s where they begin. Do you agree with this?
Johanna: Yeah, I think I understand what your friend meant. Taking into account that surgery is not the right thing to do for all transgender people, the very idea of letting everything in one's life be consumed by our transition, risk making us forget that transitioning is just a means to make it possible for us to be ourselves. So I suppose that with lying on the operating table as an allegory for a successful transition, that is indeed the beginning of our new lives. A sort of rebirth, if you will. But I rather find that rebirth to happen gradually, not at a particular event, or overnight like that.
The other day, I realized that it has been almost a year since I was last misgendered. Wow! What an amazing feeling! I didn’t notice a particular instance when it happened, but now I live as myself and I apparently fit in fairly well as a woman, I am accepted as a woman, even though there are still steps remaining in my transition. I feel it is a great privilege to have been given the opportunity to live as both a man and as a woman in a single lifetime.
Monika: Johanna, it was a pleasure to interview you. Thanks a lot!
Johanna: The pleasure was all mine, Monika. Thanks for having me!
END OF PART 2
All the photos: courtesy of Johanna.
© 2021 - Monika Kowalska
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