Interview with Kelly Denithorne - Part 2

Monika: Did you face any discrimination yourself?

Kelly: The discrimination that I personally face is access to my health care insurance benefits. It is currently legal for my employer to deny any claim regarding any transgender health care. Any therapy, doctor visit, medication, procedure, or surgery will be excluded from payment. Thus my wife, a cis woman, and I could visit the same therapist, and her appointment would be paid for, and mine would not.

I think the unfortunate reality is that unless transgender rights are guaranteed by the federal government, and enforced by the legal system, transgender humans will always face some discrimination. Being as transgender people are estimated to be only about 0.6% of the total population, we are a very misunderstood group. We are easily discriminated against due to unfounded fears and unless we have strong allies, we will always struggle.

"I am deeply in love with my wife and have been so
for the vast majority of my life."

Monika: Do you like fashion? What kind of outfits do you usually wear? Any special fashion designs, colors or trends?

Kelly: I love fashion! Well I suppose accurately I love personal style. I look at fashion as the larger fashion world of designers, manufacturers, fashion shows, etc. I really don’t keep up on things like that. However, I am interested in my personal style and with others. I am more concerned with how others can take any clothes, from any era, and make them look cool, fresh and relevant for today.

My personal style preferences are for classic lines and patterns as well as a very large amount of black and white. I have a wide variety of other colored items in my wardrobe, but most of my clothes are black or white. Typical outfits for me are dresses, matched with black leggings in the winter, and a variety of heeled shoes. I love boots, booties, Mary Janes, and sandals for the most part.

Monika: Do you often experiment with your makeup?

Kelly: With my makeup I follow a fairly standard routine. I have my foundation, setting spray, setting powder, eye shadow primer, and blush that are all almost the same thing every day. However I love playing with my eye makeup. I have blue green eyes that tend to pair well with Earth tone shadow colors. But I will try a variety of things on my eyes to mix it up from time to time.

Monika: By the way, do you like being complimented on your looks?

Kelly: I love being complimented on my looks. I have vast anxieties and insecurities and most of them are centered on my appearance. Thus I love it when anyone helps to quell my inner critics by complimenting my looks. There are many who may think that behaving in such a manner is nothing but vanity. However for many transgender people, to receive compliments on our appearance is highly affirming.

Being able to see my image finally accurately reflect who I have been on the inside is intensely valuable for me. I know that to many I appear as though I am filled with very strong confidence. But the reality is that I am like many transgender people who are in the middle of their transition, and I struggle with my mental health and staying positive. Every bit of outside help is greatly appreciated.

Monika: Do you remember your first job interview as a woman?

Kelly: I am a middle school math teacher and have been at my current school site for the last 15 years. I transitioned over the summer break. Some of my students have me as Mr. Denithorne when they were in 7th grade and then in 8th grade they had me again but now as Mrs. Denithorne. It was actually the best school year I had had up to that point.

"Being able to see my image finally accurately
reflect who I have been on the inside is
intensely valuable for me."

Monika: What would you advise to all transwomen looking for employment?

Kelly: I would advise transgender humans looking for employment to understand that most employers are first looking for someone to be professional and most other concerns are secondary.

Discrimination against the transgender community is a known fact, however many transgender people are very gainfully employed. Be a professional, be prepared for the interview, and be prepared to work hard at the hard. Be prepared as well to work twice as hard as others and get half of the credit. That last one tends to just be a female thing, but it still happens to most trans people actually.

Monika: Are you involved in the life of the local LGBTQ community?

Kelly: Where I live there is not a large LGBTQ+ community presence. I am involved somewhat with some of the transgender programs offered by a local LGBTQ+ center in a town that is about an hour away from me.

Monika: Could you tell me about the importance of love in your life?

Kelly: For me personally love has been very important. I am deeply in love with my wife and have been so for the vast majority of my life. We first met each other when we were just 8 years old and our parents had enrolled both of us onto the local swim team. We started dating about 7 years later when we were about 15 and we got married 10 years after that when we were about 25 years old. So for me personally love is a very important part of my life.

I think it is that way as I struggled to feel loved by my parents while growing up. Part of that was that I was trans and in the closet and part of it was that many parents during that time struggled to bond deeply with their children. So as an adult I vowed to make love an important part of my life. However, I can see that for others, it could possibly not have any importance whatsoever towards their happiness, and that is great.

Monika: Many transgender ladies write their memoirs. Have you ever thought about writing such a book yourself?

Kelly: Yes and actually I just completed a rough draft of my book. Right now it is ridiculously too long and I need to work on cutting out all of the boring parts of my life, hahaha. My hopeful publication date would not be until about two or three years from now if I can ever figure out how to pull it all together and get it finished.

Kelly's website "Unordinary Style"

Monika: What is your next step in the present time and where do you see yourself within the next 5-7 years?

Kelly: My next step in my transition will be GCS in the summer of 2022. For now I am working on electrolysis and trying to not lose my mind while I am waiting. For the next 5-7 years I see myself as continuing to teach and figure out who I am. I have spent so many years trying to hide from my own reality that sometimes I am not totally sure that even I really know who I am underneath all of the layers. It is sure to be a fun process trying to figure it out though.

Monika: What would you recommend to all transgender women that are afraid of transition?

Kelly: I too was super afraid. That is why I didn’t even try to transition until I was 45 years old. What I am upset about is that I didn’t even try sooner, but I am thrilled that eventually I did try, which is how I got myself to actually act on my gender dysphoria, by telling myself that I wasn’t actually going to transition, that all I was doing was trying estrogen, which is really true.

You can try things like estrogen and hormone blockers, and if you don’t like it, you can stop. It does not have to be an all or nothing situation. You can try it, it’s okay. It won’t immediately do anything, most likely. The thing that happened with me though is that by the end of day one, I knew I would never go back to operating on testosterone ever again, I liked estrogen that much. So, just be aware, you may like what you try so much that you will end up changing just about everything in your life, and actually deciding that transition is in fact the very thing that you need to do.

Monika: My pen friend Gina Grahame wrote to me once that we should not limit our potential because of how we were born or by what we see other transgender people doing. Our dreams should not end on an operating table; that’s where they begin. Do you agree with this?

Kelly: I completely agree with that. Though I have yet to have my full bottom surgery, transition itself is way more than just a mere surgery, or even a set of surgeries. The mental changes that I have gone through over the last four years have been huge. But the bigger picture, that our dreams should be bigger than simply transitioning is totally true. What are you going to do with your life once you have finished transitioning? So many transgender humans focus so much on the transition process they end up lost alone and confused once everything is said and done. Don’t let the entire process end up being a letdown for yourself.

Monika: Nadine, it was a pleasure to interview you. Thanks a lot! 

Kelly: I super appreciate you taking the time to reach out to me. Thank you for allowing me to babble on about my version of being transgender.

All the photos: courtesy of Kelly Denithorne.

© 2021 - Monika Kowalska