Monika: And as the date of your workplace debut approached, did you feel that the company was truly prepared for your transition, or did you have to push for the support you needed?
Kelly: With time running out at work for my debut, and the company not having any corporate training lined up, things were looking rather scary. At the very last minute, the company was able to find a person to do a “Coming Out in the Workplace” training. I demanded to have a part in this training process to make my own “announcement” to the company, then with a follow-up email letter to the rest of the staff in the organization who were not able to attend the training.
Monika: After everything you had kept inside for so many years, there must have been a moment when simply living as Kelly felt like a true rebirth. When did that day finally come?
Kelly: At age 55, my “Rebirth” day was officially November 1, 2014. Two days later I finally came to work as my true self! The reception that first day was very positive, not only from staff but also from our Inpatient clients. (I worked in the Information Technology department of an Inpatient/Outpatient alcohol, chemical dependency, substance abuse treatment, and recovery organization.)
One of the most affirming presents I received that day was my new nameplate – Kelly Metzgar! In the Saranac Lake and surrounding community I was warmly greeted with comments such as “Well it’s about time”, “we’ve been waiting for you to come out for a long time”, “We’re so happy you are finally able to live your life as you want”, “You deserve to live and be happy in your life”. I am so very blessed to live in such a wonderful and affirming area! Who Knew!
Monika: A new nameplate may sound like a small thing, but I imagine seeing “Kelly Metzgar” there for the first time must have carried enormous meaning. And before you reached that point, were there women who helped you imagine the life you wanted for yourself?
Kelly: I joined the Vanity Club online international sorority of transgender women in 2003. We are a small, by-invitation-only sorority. I think more than any celebrity role model, the amazing women in my sorority were the people I admired and looked up to.
As I was able to finally attend regional Transgender Conferences in Boston, MA, and Harrisburg, PA, I think the amazing people who attended those conferences also became people I admired.
I cannot say I really had celebrity role models, for very few existed at that time.
Monika: That was a very different media landscape from the one we have today. Looking at the community now, who are the transgender people you admire and respect most, and what is it about them that speaks to you?
Kelly: There are several Transgender people I admire and respect. First, of course, is my dear and good friend Juli Grey-Owens from Long Island, NY. I admire her leadership in the New York State Transgender movement for equality and basic rights protections. She is a constant source of inspiration for continuing the work we do.
Next, I admire all the Transgender youth who are coming forward into advocacy roles. People like Jazz Jennings, Nicole Maines, Katie Hill, Juliet Evancho, Gavin Grimm are becoming the next leaders. I am also a big fan of Janet Mock. She is a very positive and inspirational person in our community.
Kelly: At age 55, my “Rebirth” day was officially November 1, 2014. Two days later I finally came to work as my true self! The reception that first day was very positive, not only from staff but also from our Inpatient clients. (I worked in the Information Technology department of an Inpatient/Outpatient alcohol, chemical dependency, substance abuse treatment, and recovery organization.)
One of the most affirming presents I received that day was my new nameplate – Kelly Metzgar! In the Saranac Lake and surrounding community I was warmly greeted with comments such as “Well it’s about time”, “we’ve been waiting for you to come out for a long time”, “We’re so happy you are finally able to live your life as you want”, “You deserve to live and be happy in your life”. I am so very blessed to live in such a wonderful and affirming area! Who Knew!
Monika: A new nameplate may sound like a small thing, but I imagine seeing “Kelly Metzgar” there for the first time must have carried enormous meaning. And before you reached that point, were there women who helped you imagine the life you wanted for yourself?
Kelly: I joined the Vanity Club online international sorority of transgender women in 2003. We are a small, by-invitation-only sorority. I think more than any celebrity role model, the amazing women in my sorority were the people I admired and looked up to.
As I was able to finally attend regional Transgender Conferences in Boston, MA, and Harrisburg, PA, I think the amazing people who attended those conferences also became people I admired.
I cannot say I really had celebrity role models, for very few existed at that time.
Monika: That was a very different media landscape from the one we have today. Looking at the community now, who are the transgender people you admire and respect most, and what is it about them that speaks to you?
Kelly: There are several Transgender people I admire and respect. First, of course, is my dear and good friend Juli Grey-Owens from Long Island, NY. I admire her leadership in the New York State Transgender movement for equality and basic rights protections. She is a constant source of inspiration for continuing the work we do.
Next, I admire all the Transgender youth who are coming forward into advocacy roles. People like Jazz Jennings, Nicole Maines, Katie Hill, Juliet Evancho, Gavin Grimm are becoming the next leaders. I am also a big fan of Janet Mock. She is a very positive and inspirational person in our community.
|
| Laverne Cox. |
Monika: We often talk about the joy of finally becoming ourselves, but that freedom can sometimes come with a painful price. You have already mentioned how positively your initial coming out went. Did you later lose anything or anyone because you transitioned, and what has been the hardest part of that experience?
Kelly: As stated above, my initial coming out was unexpectedly easy and uneventful, so initially I really did not lose too much in terms of family and friends.
Subsequently, however, five weeks after returning to work in October 2016 from CGS that summer, I was told my job was “no longer needed”. I was affiliated with my previous employer for 17+ years, 10.5+ of which as a full-time employee. (I was a shared resource and a consultant for 6.5 years.) The reason given was the new electronic health record system the company recently upgraded to did not require a programmer and they no longer needed me as an IT help desk support person.
It is now well over a year and I cannot find full-time employment in my region in or out of the Information Technology environment. Personally, I would much rather find a non-IT position as that was my old life, but not being employed in a full-time position for so long is becoming VERY SCARY and DESPERATE! I have so much wisdom, professionalism, and talents to offer a new employer. I don’t know if it is because of my age, the fact that I’m Transgender, or what! This girl needs a full-time job!!!!
Monika: Losing a job after so many years must have been devastating, especially when you were already building a new life. But there was another, much more personal loss. Would you like to tell me about what happened with your children?
Kelly: I have no contact with my two children - a son and a daughter, both now in their mid to late 30s. They have totally disowned me for the past several years. I have two new grandchildren I will never be able to meet, even with my son now living in an apartment two houses down from me!
I try my best not to focus on the losses but rather try embracing the positive, the people who know and accept me for who I am today. Many in the present day do not even know the person I “used to be”; they only know me, Kelly, the person I am now!
Monika: I once came across an interesting comparison: cisgender women were liberated in part by the development of the contraceptive pill, while transgender women have gained new possibilities through advances in medicine and cosmetic surgery. Do you think those advances have changed the way transgender women experience the pressure to “pass”?
Kelly: I believe transgender people, myself included, are obsessed with passing. Whether one is transmale or transfemale, being able to go out in public and be taken for the person you identify as is vitally important to our sense of self. Billions of dollars (or whatever currency you may use) are spent on looking good or having a physical body that matches our gender identity. I do not see that ever not being an issue we face. After all, that is what we are fighting gender and body dysphoria.
If anything, I see the advances in cosmetic surgery playing an even bigger role in trans-identity issues. Unfortunately, many of these cosmetic surgeries from GCS, breast augmentation, and facial feminization surgery are not covered by all insurances (in the US), making such procedures out of the financial reach for many transgender individuals. Passing vs. non-passing issues, I am afraid, will remain for quite a long time.
Kelly: As stated above, my initial coming out was unexpectedly easy and uneventful, so initially I really did not lose too much in terms of family and friends.
Subsequently, however, five weeks after returning to work in October 2016 from CGS that summer, I was told my job was “no longer needed”. I was affiliated with my previous employer for 17+ years, 10.5+ of which as a full-time employee. (I was a shared resource and a consultant for 6.5 years.) The reason given was the new electronic health record system the company recently upgraded to did not require a programmer and they no longer needed me as an IT help desk support person.
It is now well over a year and I cannot find full-time employment in my region in or out of the Information Technology environment. Personally, I would much rather find a non-IT position as that was my old life, but not being employed in a full-time position for so long is becoming VERY SCARY and DESPERATE! I have so much wisdom, professionalism, and talents to offer a new employer. I don’t know if it is because of my age, the fact that I’m Transgender, or what! This girl needs a full-time job!!!!
Monika: Losing a job after so many years must have been devastating, especially when you were already building a new life. But there was another, much more personal loss. Would you like to tell me about what happened with your children?
Kelly: I have no contact with my two children - a son and a daughter, both now in their mid to late 30s. They have totally disowned me for the past several years. I have two new grandchildren I will never be able to meet, even with my son now living in an apartment two houses down from me!
I try my best not to focus on the losses but rather try embracing the positive, the people who know and accept me for who I am today. Many in the present day do not even know the person I “used to be”; they only know me, Kelly, the person I am now!
Monika: I once came across an interesting comparison: cisgender women were liberated in part by the development of the contraceptive pill, while transgender women have gained new possibilities through advances in medicine and cosmetic surgery. Do you think those advances have changed the way transgender women experience the pressure to “pass”?
Kelly: I believe transgender people, myself included, are obsessed with passing. Whether one is transmale or transfemale, being able to go out in public and be taken for the person you identify as is vitally important to our sense of self. Billions of dollars (or whatever currency you may use) are spent on looking good or having a physical body that matches our gender identity. I do not see that ever not being an issue we face. After all, that is what we are fighting gender and body dysphoria.
If anything, I see the advances in cosmetic surgery playing an even bigger role in trans-identity issues. Unfortunately, many of these cosmetic surgeries from GCS, breast augmentation, and facial feminization surgery are not covered by all insurances (in the US), making such procedures out of the financial reach for many transgender individuals. Passing vs. non-passing issues, I am afraid, will remain for quite a long time.
 |
| Support for Transgender Rights via Mountain Lake PBS (YouTube) |
Monika: Your story has already been told through newspapers, radio, television, conferences, and your own advocacy work. Has the idea of turning all of that into a book ever tempted you?
Kelly: Friends have encouraged me to write my story, but I am not sure who would really be interested in it.
I have had newspaper articles written about my life, been
featured in radio and television interviews, and certainly share my life stories in some of my educational training.
If anyone wishes to know about me, my previous or current life, or what I’ve encountered in my life, I am very
happy to share those stories. I am not sure who would be interested in yet “another” Transgender book about me. I
watch my dear friend Terri Cook and many other people who write books at the various conferences I attend being
“stuck” at their tables selling their books. I would rather enjoy and actively participate in those conferences
and events meeting and talking directly to attendees.
Still, if anyone is interested in writing my story, please drop me an email and we could talk!
Monika: We have talked about transition, activism, loss, and finding your place in the world. But what about love? How important has having someone special in your life been to you?
Monika: We have talked about transition, activism, loss, and finding your place in the world. But what about love? How important has having someone special in your life been to you?
Kelly: I think every person, whether CIS or Trans, would like someone special in their life. For me, personally,
there has not been that special person for far too many years.
In my previous life, I have never identified as gay (being attracted to men). I have always been attracted to
women. I was married with children, had girlfriends, and always enjoyed the company of being (dating or more
intimately) with women. Sorry Gentlemen! This goes back to my earlier statement of CIS Gender/Heterosexual
normativity, sexual orientation/gender identity confusion.
Monika: So for you, transition did not change who you were attracted to. And when you imagine sharing your life with someone today, what kind of woman would fit into the life you have built?
Kelly: Still, there are times I wish I had someone special to share my life with! Someone to have lunch, dinner, go to the movies or theater with. She would have to enjoy downhill skiing, kayaking/canoeing, bike riding, gardening, and life in a small rural Adirondack North Country town.
Kelly: Still, there are times I wish I had someone special to share my life with! Someone to have lunch, dinner, go to the movies or theater with. She would have to enjoy downhill skiing, kayaking/canoeing, bike riding, gardening, and life in a small rural Adirondack North Country town.
Currently, my heart belongs to one very special little girl – my little Lexi (Lexianna Maria).
I am reminded and I will paraphrase something I read recently, -- I don’t want to be a person who needs someone, but
rather a person who someone wants to be with! Who knows, perhaps someday that special person (CIS or Trans female)
will come along. Until then…
|
| via alliesandangels.com |
Monika: You have so many things on your plate, from advocacy to education and consulting. What are you working toward now, and what would you most like to accomplish next?
Kelly: My biggest project is finding a full-time job that pays a decent living wage! After that, I am involved in
assisting with getting GENDA in New York State passed in 2018!
I am also a founding board member of a new statewide Transgender advocacy group – Gender Equality New York, led by
my good friend Juli Owens. Getting this new statewide advocacy organization started, I think, will be the big item
for this year.
I am also looking to get my Adirondack North Country Gender Advocacy and Education consulting business set up and
running. My goal is to bring Transgender Gender Non-Conforming/Non-Binary education, training, and consulting
services to area schools, colleges, universities, civic, business, and religious-based organizations. This will be
a formal continuation of my education and advocacy services over the past several years.
Monika: If a transgender person reading this interview is struggling with gender dysphoria, perhaps feeling isolated or unsure where to turn, what would you want to tell them?
Kelly: Again I prefer this question to be gender-neutral! I think any Transgender person (transmale or
transfemale) needs to find loving and supportive people to help with their sense of self. Not everyone is able to
see trained therapists. Indeed, sadly many therapists are still not trained in Transgender Gender
Non-Conforming/Non-Binary issues! Still, there are support groups one can reach out to if not in your local,
regional community, then online support groups regardless of age.
Finding a person you can reach out to, trust (I know that’s a hard one), and share your “secret” with. I also know
many parents and family members are not supportive, so family, even extended family, may not be an option.
Perhaps there might be a trusted teacher, neighbor, accepting religious member, someone in the medical or
behavioral health field, someone you can feel safe with! The important thing is to reach out and not suffer in
silence. If you are visiting this website, find someone to connect with!
Monika: I remember my pen friend
Gina Grahame
once telling me that we should never limit our potential because of how we were born or because of what we see
other transsexual and transgender people doing. She said our dreams should not end on an operating table; that is
where they begin. That idea has stayed with me. Does it resonate with you?
Kelly: I think it is important to realize your dreams, whatever they are! Our dreams and aspirations should not be
dependent on our gender status. I understand for many Transgender people, myself included, their goal is to live
daily in their authentic gender identity, but that should not be the main focus of our existence. Yes, I believe
living an authentic life is a goal we seek to achieve, but not our dream! Gender Confirmation Surgery for me was
not my dream! In fact, for many years I believed it to be far out of my realm of possibilities. My dreams of a
better life did not begin nor end on the operating table.
As I realized my goal of living full-time in my authentic gender identity in November 2014, CGS in 2016 was just
part of the “next logical step” in my life process. It was not my dream, but a goal I was finally able to realize.
CGS, I do not believe, “changed me” in any significant way. In many ways, I am still the person I was. I live in
the same town, in the same house, have the same friends (sort of), enjoy the same hobbies and interests as I did
previously. No one sees my body except Lexi & I know she will never tell anyone.
No, my life did not begin after I transitioned (socially or medically), transitioning was just one part of my
life!
Monika: Kelly, thank you for opening up and sharing so much of your journey with me and with my readers. It has been a real pleasure talking with you!
Kelly: Thank you so much, Monika, for this opportunity to tell at least part of my story with your readers. I hope
you and they find parts of this interesting.
END OF PART 3
All photos: courtesy of Kelly Metzgar.
© 2018 - Monika Kowalska
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