Monika: I remember copying my sister and mother first, and later other women, trying to look 100% feminine, and my cis female friends used to joke that I try to be a woman that does not exist in reality. Did you experience the same?
Kyle: Totally! I think we all have a pre-determined notion of what kind of woman we'd like to be. Or should that be how we'd like everyone to see us? The problem is, I think, we haven't had the years of experience, of trial and error, and making all those fashion mistakes that ultimately lead us to discover our own style. So it's only natural that we make mistakes along our journey. I'm especially blessed that Marion is totally fashion mad and has a very good eye. If she likes an outfit I'm wearing, then I can feel totally confident that I look good.
I also used to wear full makeup when I first came out. But I'm really not someone who wants to spend too much time on such things. I'm very low maintenance. So nowadays it's a quick lick of BB creme on my problem areas, and a smear of lipstick. Done. It's not like spending hours in front of the mirror is going to magically transform me into someone who passes.
Monika: Do you remember your first job interview as a woman?
Kyle: I'm lucky to have never had a job interview since 1989.
Monika: When I came out at work, my male co-workers treated me in a way as if the transition lowered my IQ. Did you experience the same? Do you think it happens because we are women or because we are transgender? Or both?
Kyle: It's weird, isn't it? Second-rate grey men are notoriously condescending to women. It's a bit of a conundrum though, because it doesn't seem to matter if you're a cis or trans woman. I suspect it's got a lot to do with how women are expected to speak and act. Both of which create a sense of submission and allow such men to plough ahead without any fear of hitting any obstacles or getting any pushback. I was actually rather astounded, and somewhat perturbed, while researching voice feminisation techniques and sites claiming to help trans women pass, to discover how everything was geared to making women seem way less confident and assertive. Was that really the price I was expected to pay to be accepted as a woman?
In the end, I realised I'm just not someone who can put up with blowhards. The fact they won't then see me as a 'real' woman is a small price to pay. In fact, being trans does have its advantages. A lot of men get very uncomfortable if I refuse to let them dominate the conversation. So I'm happy to use that to make sure my voice is heard.
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| "I've kind of accepted being trans is a political act." |
Monika: What would you advise to all transwomen looking for employment?
Kyle: I really have so little experience of finding jobs, I couldn't really offer any advice. In a way, part of the reason I became a writer was I wanted to be my own person in charge of my own destiny. That and the fact I've always had a lot of trouble working for people who aren't as clever as me.
Monika: Are you involved in the life of the local LGBTQ community?
Kyle: Not much.
Monika: Could you tell me about the importance of love in your life?
Kyle: It probably sounds a bit twee, but self-love is utterly vital to happiness. Because I always felt like a fake, I never valued my own worth much. I kind of felt guilty, and rather embarrassed, if anyone gave me any kind of compliment. It wasn't until I started really accepting who I was, and also absolving myself of the guilt I felt at not only being different, but hiding my true self from the world, which required a hell of a lot of lying, especially to the ones I loved.
I think without Marion's love, I would have struggled to find much happiness. In fact, the thought of losing her love was the number one reason I delayed coming out for so long. I just couldn't imagine losing her. Paradoxically, my desperation to hide my truth from her started driving a wedge between us. And that's what ultimately forced me to come out to her.
Monika: What would you recommend to all transgender women that are afraid of transition?
Kyle: From my experience, I think it's a pretty normal, and entirely rational, response to be afraid of transition. So I think the main thing I'd say is that there's really no hurry. It's all well and good to promote the idea that coming out or transitioning is the only path to happiness, but everyone's situation is different. I was willing to do just about anything NOT to come out. I had a pretty great life, so if anything I was sure coming out would only have negative effects.
So at first, I tried Plan B. Which was to open up as much as I dared, and try to relate to people as authentically as I could. If that meant male friends making mocking comments about my 'man bag' or showing my 'feminine side', then so be it. The main point was to stop faking my life. And it kind of worked... for a while.
And yet... Despite everything, I started to feel there was no point to anything because it was all fake. I was fake. Ultimately I reached a point where I either had to come out - to Marion, at least - or become totally cut off from the rest of the world.
Long story, sorry. I guess what I'm trying to say is that we're all trying to have a meaningful and happy life. And we all deserve that, too. Whether transition is a part of your journey or not is entirely up to you. It's definitely no guarantee of happiness. Ultimately we all have to decide what's most important to us. And whether the costs of achieving that outweigh the benefits. Transition is definitely a scary proposition, and I completely empathise with anyone unwilling, or unable, to take that leap. It's utterly unjust that it is so hard, and such a shame that acceptance is never guaranteed.
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| Kyle's website. |
Monika: My pen-friend Gina Grahame wrote to me once that we should not limit our potential because of how we were born or by what we see other transgender people doing. Our dreams should not end on an operating table; that’s where they begin. Do you agree with this?
Kyle: Absolutely. I simply refuse to place my transition, or even being trans, at the centre of my life. I am trans. That's true. But being trans is only a very small part of who I am, and I have way too many things still to do in my life to waste much time thinking about it. It's the soundtrack to my life, not my life. I am, above all, trying to be 100% me and live a life as true to myself as I can.
Monika: Kyle, it was a pleasure to interview you. Thanks a lot!
Kyle: Thanks for your thoughtful questions. Always a pleasure, and an education, to try and put my ever-evolving thoughts on the whole process into concrete words.
END OF PART 2
All photos: courtesy of Kyle Mewburn.
© 2023 - Monika Kowalska
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