Interview with Kym - Part 2

Monika: What would you advise to all transwomen looking for employment?

Kym: Spread your net widely. You are probably going to get a lot of rejections, but cis people usually do, too. Don’t let them get you down and make sure you have other opportunities in your pipeline. Work on building your network. Weak connections and casual acquaintances are often the best sources of opportunities. Don’t be afraid to ask people, even people you don’t know well for help. Tap into any connections that can get you leads to hiring managers. Find ways to explain your skills and experience. Practice interviewing. 

LinkedIn has lots of practice with interview questions for premium members if you can afford it for a couple of months. I think they even have deals where the first month is free. There are sometimes job fairs, resume workshops, and practice interviews hosted by local LGBT organizations. Make use of those.

When you get interviews, understand the company dress standards, and at least meet those when you interview. Be authentic, and try to get somewhat comfortable. Have something planned for after the interview that you can look forward to, even if you feel like you blew it.

"I’ve already done all the steps
to transition, so being trans is
less of a focus."

I guess that is a long list. I just recently went through a job search, so it is all fresh in my mind. I think some other important things are to use the interview to find out if the company is one you want to work at. Ask questions about culture and inclusion. I was able to rule out some companies that would have probably been terrible places to work. But sometimes you have to pick the lesser of evils just to pay the bills.

Monika: Are you involved in the life of the local LGBTQ community?

Kym: Yes, as much as I have time and energy for. Seattle has this really great trans advocacy group called the “Gender Justice League” that I sometimes do volunteer work for. They run “Trans Pride Seattle” every June and for the last several years, I ran the welcome booth there. (It’s been paused for Covid-19.)

They spend a large part of the year planning for it, and I always tried to help out the last few months. I usually just ended up rounding up friends to volunteer for the actual event and donating money. Mostly, I wished I could help more, but a lot of what they were doing required more context than I had.

I’m also part of a group of people called “Seattle Trans* Life” that plans and holds social events for trans* people and their family/allies. We’ve also had to pause this for Covid-19. Now that people have been getting vaccinated, I have been polling folks about unpausing with a picnic or something.

Monika: Could you tell me about the importance of love in your life?

Kym: In general, it is very important. I have so much love for my daughter, and it is a major force for good in my life. She gives me reasons to keep going when things are rough, and I learn so much from her.

Generation Z has a much different perspective on the world than my generation. Being trans is not a big deal for them. Racial justice has a visceral importance. Mental health is a pragmatic issue without shame and stigma. I also love my siblings and my community. They have helped pull me through some difficult times.

As far as romantic love goes: I had been married 21 years when I transitioned, and the fear of losing my marriage was something that held me back. When she did leave me a few years later, I didn’t know how I was going to survive. But it turned out to be easier than I thought. There were so many other problems that I was ignoring or absorbing just to make the relationship work, and it was costing me a lot of energy. When she left, I started to get that energy back. So I’m not sure I even want another relationship.

Monika: Many transgender ladies write their memoirs. Have you ever thought about writing such a book yourself?

Kym: The thought has crossed my mind, but only briefly. No. It takes a ton of energy to write a book and get it published. And I don’t think I have much to add to the narrative. My trans story has pretty much already been told in some of the other memoirs that have already been written. Besides, my trans story probably isn’t my most interesting story.

Monika: What is your next step in the present time and where do you see yourself within the next 5-7 years?

Kym: In 5-7 years, I’m not sure. Probably still working but traveling a lot more. I hope I can still trail run. Maybe I’ll change my mind about relationships?

I think at this point, I’ve already done all the steps to transition, so being trans is less of a focus. Sometimes I go days without even thinking about being trans. Maybe I’ll expand what I’m doing for my community? I’ve never been the sort to make detailed plans about the future. Possibly because I wasn’t sure I would have one.

"My biggest regret now is that I didn’t do it sooner."

Monika: What would you recommend to all transgender women that are afraid of transition?

Kym: It is scary. It is a major change in your life, and there is a lot you can lose. But there is also a lot you can gain, it is just hard to see from where you are. Also, many of the things you might lose are less important than you think they are. Living as your whole self is invigorating! I didn’t really understand how empty and dead inside I was until I transitioned.

My biggest regret now is that I didn’t do it sooner. There is never a perfect time. I wanted to hold off until I got everything perfect, my voice, my look, etc. My voice coach told me that was ridiculous, and it sounded like a good excuse to never transition.

I wanted to spare everyone else the awkwardness of the in-between stages. But there are always in-between stages, and they end. So I just picked a date, and did my best to prepare. I knew it was going to be awkward for a while, and I decided to be OK with that. That was the best decision I ever made. My voice still isn’t perfect, incidentally.

There aren’t really that many trans stories. Whatever you’re going through, whatever you are afraid of, somebody else has been in the exact same place, and still transitioned and thrived.

Monika: My pen friend Gina Grahame wrote to me once that we should not limit our potential because of how we were born or by what we see other transgender people doing. Our dreams should not end on an operating table; that’s where they begin. Do you agree with this?

Kym: I completely agree with the first part. Once you are living as your full self, the sky is the limit. Although I think there are only a handful of trans stories, there are infinite possible stories after transition. Any surgeries are just steps in the journey, not the destination. Trans people are forging new paths in the world, and you can be one of them.

The part I don’t really agree with is dreams beginning on the operating table. True, surgery should not be the end goal. But also, surgery is not even the only way to transition. Transition is really about shifting your mindset and your relationship with the world, and not as much your body. Many trans people don’t need or even desire surgery at all. Many of us do need to change our bodies to align with our self-image. I was certainly one of those. But you don’t have to wait for surgery to begin living your fullest life.

Monika: Kym, it was a pleasure to interview you. Thanks a lot!

Kym: Thank you, Monika! You really made me think!

All the photos: courtesy of Kym.

© 2021 - Monika Kowalska