Monika: Do you like fashion? What kind of outfits do you usually wear? Any special fashion designs, colors, or trends?
Lauren: I do!!! But I must admit I am not a fashionista myself. My body is not the best for being fashionable, but I have always been a fan of the TV shows here like Project Runway and Top Model. I love seeing what celebrities are wearing as well and often comb through the pictures for the different awards shows.
One of the goals I had back in '96 when I transitioned was to blend into society and not try to stick out. That's hard to do at 6ft 3inches but I managed somehow. One of my cousins had a career of being the person that chose accessories for fashion shoots and often worked with famous supermodels. One of my Discord members graduated from the famous Parsons school of design for fashion design and has worked with Angelina Jolie so yes, I love to talk about it and really wish I could wear it better. Next life!
Monika: By the way, do you like being complimented on your looks?
Lauren: Is there someone who doesn't? LOL! I spent a lot of years being called "handsome" and I spent a lot of years waiting to hear "pretty". It's so hard to look in the mirror and not see what you desire to see, dream to see, year after year. When that moment came it was quite a rush of feelings. I wasn't sure how to react partly because I just didn't think I would ever hear that word. I'm not sure if I believe it or not, but I appreciate that someone may think so!!
Monika: Do you remember your first job interview as a woman?
Lauren: Yes!!! That was very nerve-wracking!! I transitioned while I was employed at IBM and after my transition, I completed my 30 years of employment with them. After 30 years I was burned out so I took a buy-out from them so I could take 6 months off. After a truly short flirtation with retirement, it was time to find a new job and I would have to do so not only at an older age but as a woman for the first time.
After 30 years with IBM, I was confident in my resume and at the time I had been transitioned for 7 years, long enough to know that my history was fairly solidly female. Picking an outfit that seemed presentable was rather fun, and I mean that sarcastically. I think I tried 6 outfits at least!
My biggest worry was that my driver's license, which still had an "M" for a gender marker (at that time gender markers were not allowed to be changed), would be asked for. I anticipated that and I "might" have defaced the "M" just a little to make it not easily readable but, I'm not admitting anything. *giggle!*
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| "Be confident and proud of your authentic self." |
Lauren: Just to be themselves and proud of who they are. Don't think about being trans. That will only create a nervous response. Let your interviewer see your personality and the expertise you can bring to their operation. Show them a personality that would fit into their business seamlessly.
I would also say that you should be prepared to move as some areas are more receptive to transgender people than others are and may offer additional employment protections for transgender individuals. But really, be confident and proud of your authentic self.
Monika: Are you involved in the life of the local LGBTQ community?
Lauren: I am not mostly because I went stealth for so many years and lost touch with our community. I plan to change that if I can because I think I could have something to offer people, such as coaching, in real life as well as online. Perhaps seeing someone who's been through the wars in real life would help as much as it seems to do online.
Monika: Could you tell me about the importance of love in your life?
Lauren: This is going to be a long answer. I never found romance after my divorce. I understand I am not everyone's cup of tea and that my sexuality doesn't align very well with my body. It seems I am never enough, and I have come to realize that I will most likely end my life alone romantically. I don't like it to be that way, but I can't make someone want me in that way either.
After getting hurt in several attempts at a relationship, I realized I was basing my sense of self-worth on having someone in my life who loved and cared for me. I decided I was going to quit looking for love to validate myself and to finally learn to do self-care and learn to love myself. I pushed hard to be successful in my job and in the endeavors that I pursued. Over time, I began to be proud of who I am.
It was then that I began to realize just how much love I truly have. I have my beautiful racetrack friends who accepted me and gave me a new life. I have my best friend, Shane. I have my old friends from when I was a child. I have beautiful and wonderful online friends from all over the world. And, most of all, I have the love of my family, my children, my ex-wife, my brother, my sister-in-law, my niece and nephew, my daughter-in-law, and my cousins. Monika, my cup runs over with love, and I hope they feel it in return as they are my rock.
Monika: Many transgender ladies write their memoirs. Have you ever thought about writing such a book yourself?
Lauren: I have but I can't figure out where to start? Is the beginning of my life that day in late May of 1950 or is my beginning in early November of 1996? Or is it the day I started HRT? Or the night I went to sleep in 1957 wishing someone would change me. And how can I write a memoir that I feel isn't finished yet?
Monika: Was IBM a trans-friendly workplace?
Lauren: I sure didn't think so at the time. Here were all these guys (and I do mean guys as it was almost all males in my position as a senior customer engineer) running around in suits and ties with the stereotypical white shirt. To me, it seemed a very patriarchal, conservative organization but there had always been a feeling among employees that they, as a company, would always take care of their employees. I had never heard of anyone else that had transitioned at IBM, but I did know of two airline pilots who transitioned successfully at two different airlines and there was my mentor Kristin who had transitioned at NASA.
I had examples of success but when it is you standing at the precipice looking over that ledge, there's no guarantee that once you jump you will be able to spread your wings and fly before hitting the ground.
One day I hit my stopping point. I just couldn't go on any longer. I was working on an account and after I left, I sat in my car crying. I was afraid for my future, and I was so very alone. I started driving to my next account, barely able to see because of the tears and as I drove, I thought about ending things right then and there. It would be so easy. Just a twist of the wheel. I thought about my children and what that would mean to them. Their lives were already in turmoil, and I couldn't hurt them more. As I write this my eyes once again fill to the brim with tears. This moment in time was the tipping point of my life and nothing from this point on would ever be the same again.
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| "To me, it seemed a very patriarchal, conservative organization but there had always been a feeling among employees that they, as a company, would always take care of their employees." |
Monika: How did you come out?
Lauren: I pulled out my communication device, an early cellular device to send text messages to my co-workers as cell phones hadn't been invented yet. I wrote, "I can't take it anymore!" and a bunch more that I can't remember anymore. My manager responded by telling me to stop working, go home, and call him when I got there. I did so and when he asked me what was wrong, I blurted out I was a transexual and wanted to become a woman. (I realize that the word "transexual" has a bad connotation now, but transgender was not in anyone's vocabulary at the time.)
I waited for what seemed an eternity and finally he said, "I, and the company, will support you 100%". I was in disbelief. Did I just hear him say what I thought he said? Did I just spread my wings and actually fly? I had apparently and IBM, to my surprise, was the greatest advocate I could imagine. They scheduled diversity training for my co-workers and arranged for me and my manager to visit all my large system customers to introduce the new me. My customers could have all switched to different engineers and none of them did. In fact several weeks later, I was at that same customer office where I had my breakdown and I heard one of their employees say aloud, "Hey!! IBM finally sent a woman!". That felt pretty special! So, it is an emphatic yes for me as to whether IBM is trans friendly or not.
Monika: What a story! What would you recommend to all transgender women that are afraid of transition?
Lauren: Listen to those who have gone before you. Read the stories of everyone here on Monika's website that she has interviewed. We aren't any stronger than you, the reader, are. We are only normal people like you, and it was just as scary for us as it is for you now. You may lose some people you care about but if you do then they really weren't in your corner to begin with. It will hurt anyways but there will be others to take their place and time will heal that wound. One reason I am here supporting my younger sisters is that I want you all to know that life after transition will be normal again. The roller coaster ride does indeed end.
Monika: My pen friend Gina Grahame wrote to me once that we should not limit our potential because of how we were born or by what we see other transgender people doing. Our dreams should not end on an operating table; that’s where they begin. Do you agree with this?
Lauren: My dreams began with a young 7-year-old child wishing, dreaming, she was a she. Gina's dreams, for her, may have begun on the operating table which just goes to show that we as individuals have our own individual paths as well. No path is more valid than another and the same goes for timeframes. It is not a race nor is it a competition but by all means, chase that dream and realize your potential. Write the story of your life by living your life every day to the fullest extent you can.
Monika: Lauren, it was a pleasure to interview you. Thanks a lot!
Lauren: Think you for including me, Monika! There are so many great women on your list here, many that are my heroines as well! To be included with them is indeed a great honor and may I also say thanks to you for doing these. I love stories and I'm going to savor reading about my sisters. May peace be your destiny. :)
END OF PART 2
All the photos: courtesy of Lauren Robison.
© 2022 - Monika Kowalska
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