Monika: How has your approach to fashion evolved since then? Has your focus shifted over time?
Lisa: When I opened Healthy Transitions, LLC, I had a lot of trans-feminine clients ask my advice regarding blending or passing. So many had such different ideas on how best to dress, I learned a lot, about them, the trans community, and myself. I started dressing down, going more for comfort than any gender-specific goal. Today, I may be in sweats, scrubs, or some other uber-casual attire; it may be masculine clothing, feminine clothing, or gender neutral. I make it a point to put feeling comfortable in my clothes over looking fashionable. Comfort has become my top priority, and that feels incredibly freeing.
Monika: Have you ever experienced being misgendered? How do you usually handle those moments, especially in different settings like in person versus over the phone?
Lisa: Not counting my late father, rarely in person but about 10% of the time on the phone. Today, when I am misgendered, I smile and try not to chuckle. I really appreciate people’s attempts to correct themselves or apologize, and each person does it differently. Over time, I’ve learned to respond with patience and even a little humor, it helps ease the awkwardness for everyone involved.
Monika: How do you feel about the social dynamics around misgendering? Do you think there’s more understanding now than in the past?
Lisa: It’s an interesting social phenomenon, both being misgendered and how people react when they realize their faux pas. I kind of feel bad for them. As long as there is no detectable malice behind the misgendering, I cannot judge them. Sometimes we, members of the trans community, unintentionally test people; we catch them by surprise. As my "transition" is still evolving, how can I expect someone else, anyone else, to get the pronouns right every time starting at day one? I believe compassion and ongoing dialogue are key to fostering greater understanding and respect.
Monika: What are your thoughts on transgender beauty pageants? Do you think they hold the same value as other beauty pageants?
Lisa: They’re fine. As fine as any beauty pageant.
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| Pretty and happy. |
Monika: Many transgender women write memoirs about their journeys. Given your impressive background as a West Point graduate, retired US Army veteran, explorer, lifelong martial arts student, pilot, engineer, physician, therapist, and consultant, have you ever considered writing a memoir yourself?
Lisa: I hear, “You should write a book!” quite often. I think about it from time to time, but at the end of the day, I wouldn't know where to begin. Besides, I think we all could write a book. Each and every one of us has a wonderfully spellbinding and educational story to tell. Mine would be just another one of those stories. I simply much prefer to read and learn about others rather than write about me.
Monika: What advice would you give to transgender girls struggling with gender dysphoria?
Lisa: Anyone struggling with anything should get help. It doesn’t have to be a licensed professional. Ask a friend, parent, sibling, teacher, anyone in your life whom you trust, to just listen to you. Maybe, MAYBE give you some advice. Don’t wait. It may be difficult to approach that first person, whoever they are. But in the long run, if you’ve survived long enough to realize you are struggling, you have it within you to take the next step, talk to someone. Be it about gender issues, work, love, pretty much anything in life. It’s kind of cliché, but often true: it gets better. How? By you taking the next step. You can do it. Have faith in yourself.
Monika: My pen friend Gina Grahame once told me that we should never limit our potential based on how we were born or what we see other transgender people doing. Our dreams don’t end on an operating table, they begin there. Do you agree?
Lisa: I like that. May I say it back to you with a tiny modification?
Monika: Of course!
Lisa: We should not limit our potential because of how we were born or by what we see other people doing. Our dreams should not end anywhere, at any time, for they begin anew everywhere and every day.
Monika: Lisa, thank you so much for this wonderful interview!
Lisa: My pleasure. For dinner, can we try that place with the awesome beetroot soup?
Monika: Even better, I’ll cook us that beetroot soup myself! Get ready for a delicious homemade dinner.
END OF PART 2
All photos: courtesy of Lisa O'Connor.
© 2017 - Monika Kowalska
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