Monika: Many of us have concerns about “passing” and how society perceives us. Did you face similar worries during your transition, and how did you address them? I know for me, there were moments when I felt like I was in a never-ending game of "Is she or isn’t she?" played by strangers in grocery stores.
Maria: I must say, I am stupefied. I have never expected that passing is so easy. Well, I have been married to a cisgender middle-class woman for almost 30 years, and I have a 19-year-old daughter who lives with me. So, I had enough time to learn how to do things properly. I can see now that most of my obstacles to overcome were inside me. The problems were not that my passing was hard, but that I was worried that I wouldn’t pass, so I never tried. I was completely sure that I would end up like Monty Python’s lumberjack from The Lumberjack Song, who was pelted with rotten tomatoes and abandoned by his girlfriend.
All my problems with passing happened when I restricted myself and initially considered myself non-binary, trying to sit on the fence between manhood and femininity. When I started to use breast prostheses and dress ladylike, visit beauty shops, go to female hairdressers, wore high heels, etc., I lost all my interest in what people were thinking about me. I felt myself as a woman, behaved ladylike, so I was a woman, a lady.
Monika: The journey to womanhood comes with its challenges, but it also brings a beautiful transformation in our relationships - especially with those who walk alongside us. Some say that when we transition, our loved ones transition with us in their own way. Did you find yourself surrounded by support, or was your journey a bit more complex in that regard?
Maria: First, a deep bow to my daughter Sara. If it were not for her, I would still be a married male who tries to do what society and traditional morals expect from him. She paid her price: major depressive disorder with several years of serious threats to her life. She was 12 years old, and she just could not stand living in her dysfunctional family. Now she is almost 19 years old, and she is my best friend ever.
Dealing with these problems (living in the shadow of the possible suicide of your only child) and with the following 4 years of a divorce case, I had to resort to my own psychotherapy. The initial therapist, after about 2.5 years, told me that I am OK, and we bid farewell. But then I met Klaudia, my current psychotherapist, who happened to also be a sexologist (gender therapist). And with Klaudia, step by step, I arrived at the place I am now.
Also, my only sister, Iwona, a devoted Catholic and mother of six, showed great love and support. We live on two ends of Poland, so we seldom meet in person, but I always felt I could talk about everything. She is a professional psychologist, which helped me, too.
And there is my close circle of beauty professionals whom I consider my friends: one for fingernails, another for toenails, a hairdresser, and another for facial hair removal. I love meeting them all - the sessions usually take long, and I consider it a kind of psychological support, too.
Monika: You're at the beginning of your journey, but I can already see the first signs of euphoria. Am I right?
Maria: No! The euphoria is already in full swing! That is so crazy that I had a long talk with my psychotherapist; I was afraid it might be some kind of mania. But I was reassured that I have the right to feel happy at last. So I am, since about half a year. The first thing I do after getting up is putting on my bra with my B-cup breast prostheses. I have never had a thought about taking it off, I have never been bored or tired of wearing it. I do love them!
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| "Now I am learning how it is to be a happy person." |
Maria: When I was slowly starting my transformation, even before I admitted it to myself, I was running in a feminine tracksuit while practicing my everyday 10-kilometer solitary run (slow-jogging in the woods). Just black Adidas or Nike, in a female-fitting fashion. But now, when I feel that I can do everything I like… I am dressing like an elegant lady, I usually have either a long or mini skirt. I always wear high heels, 4 or 5 inches (which makes me about 195 cm / 6.4 feet tall) - well, this probably makes me the tallest woman in town, but I do not care… My legs are quite long and slim due to running and diet, which makes my female friends a bit envious, but on the other hand I have to pad my buttocks (still waiting for the effect of hormone therapy). I already have a considerable collection of earrings and necklaces…
I did not throw out my male clothes… My daughter took them because she likes to wear them. But, while I have several pairs of female trousers, I seldom use them - I strongly prefer skirts or full dresses. I just need to feel I am looking really feminine. Maybe sometimes, in the future, I will be able to dress in between, but now I feel I need to look just… a stereotypical Barbie, if you know what I mean.
Monika: Do you often experiment with your makeup?
Maria: I like the term “high-maintenance woman,” used by Victoria Rose (@thevivirose), YouTuber and owner of Transgenderzone.com. And well, as a woman in her fifties, I use anti-wrinkle cream twice a day. I use foundation, concealer, and pressed powder. I use lipstick every day. I was not delighted with my eyebrows, so I have permanent makeup now: both eyebrows and eyeliner. I have plans to enlarge my lips (at least the upper one), and when my permanent makeup is healed and corrected, I am already scheduled with a woman who will make my fake eyelashes (mine are short, sparse, and light in colour).
What I said applied to everyday life: if I am going out or not, I do it daily. But on special occasions, like photo sessions or TV appearances, I use professional makeup. Oh, this is so delightful! I must admit that last time I decided that I need a photo in full makeup and, well - I have never expected that I can call myself beautiful. But now I must admit that I was! Yes, I really feel euphoric every time I see the photo.
Monika: What was the most surprising part of your transition that you didn’t expect, either positively or negatively?
Maria: I am really surprised that it all went so smooth, easy, and fast. I have never expected it to be like this. My formal diagnostic process before hormonal therapy and legal issues took half a year, but it was enough to put all things in order. It was like an engagement time before a wedding. When I started the diagnostic process, I felt that I have to prove that I deserve to become a woman and when I prove this, they will make me a woman with HRT. But now? I am just about to start my HRT and already I AM A WOMAN. I am starting hormonal therapy just as any other midlife woman does. I feel I did it myself, on my own. All this makes me incredibly strong. I feel that all my issues with my low self-esteem, lack of agency… the things that I tried to fight during many years of psychotherapy… all disappeared.
Monika: If you could tell your younger self one thing about being a transgender woman, what would it be?
Maria: I would tell myself that sometimes people face challenges. It happens. Sometimes the female soul is equipped with a male body or vice versa. It’s sad but it happens. But such a challenge can be addressed. You are entitled to be happy. We can adjust your body and your social role to how you know you are. You don’t need to change your soul, of course you should do your best to know yourself, and it is indisputable. But if you spend enough effort on knowing yourself and you deeply feel your soul’s sex doesn’t match your body’s sex - we can face it; we can adjust your body to your soul. Rest assured.
Monika: Finally, what’s next for Maria? What dreams and goals are you working toward now?
Maria: I am a mother of a young adult woman. I am in a moment of life when you are about to be a grandmother. Whether I will become a true grandmother is not up to me, but there are numerous other people that need my help and my example. I am also a scientist and online entrepreneur - I would like to do it for the rest of my life. I feel that I have many talents and knowledge that are of great value for society.
But, instead of this, after half a century of living in self-denial, I am learning now to be myself. To love myself. To be happy to look in the mirror and see a beautiful lady and not a monster. And I am learning to have enough time for myself. Now I am learning how it is to be a happy person. And to share my happiness with everybody else. Also with people who are afraid of transgender people.
Monika: Maria, you're just starting your journey, and I have no doubt that you'll continue to shine brighter every step of the way. Transitioning is a beautiful, challenging process, but remember to be kind to yourself and embrace every moment. If there's one piece of advice I'd offer, it’s to trust your intuition - it’ll guide you to exactly where you're meant to be. Wishing you all the strength, joy, and courage in the world as you continue this incredible journey.
Maria: Thank you, Monika, for letting me share my journey. What I feel now is that I am a butterfly which has already hatched from the chrysalis. I am flying now. And even if my life were to end today, it would be worth it. It’s beautiful. Love ♡
END OF PART 2
All photos: courtesy of Maria Jadwiga Minakowska.
© 2025 - Monika Kowalska
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