Monika: Do you like fashion? What kind of outfits do you usually wear? Any special fashion designs, colors, or trends?
Selena: Oh, I adore clothes and self-expression through them. And I'm pretty good at enhancing my understated curves. I have always loved sewing and textile art, and I realize that I had been amassing a formidable library of looks and styles in my head as I carefully, wistfully observed the women who dressed with such self-love and quiet exuberance throughout my life. Often throughout my life, I would see a woman who dressed herself in a way that bespoke not only someone who loved how they looked, but also a love of life itself and of natural beauty, and I would be absolutely sure that it was how I would express myself if I were female. Those moments were both quite wonderful but also filled me with aching sadness as it was those moments that I could not forget my isolation owing to my lack of fully sincere self-expression.
In the same way, crossdressing and self-feminization before the transition were utterly impossible for me, they made me utterly, abjectly miserable for they just emphasized both what I was not and also the closeted nature of many forms of these things just emphasized the lack of sincerity I longed to show in my self-expression. I so wanted something that would ease the pain after I met my wife and I really wanted these things to work so that I didn't need to transition and hurt her, but my few attempts at crossdressing were disastrous as they swiftly provoked fits of grief that so wracked my body with paroxysmal sobs of anguish that I would just want to dash my head against the nearest brick wall to smash myself out of consciousness and halt the unbearable pain that I had let slip.
However I relieved this pain, it had to be through something that was utterly out in the open, that everyone who knew me knew about and moreover knew was a fundamental part of me. It was so obvious for so long I needed to transition. All I lacked was courage. When I finally did transition, it was hard at first to dress myself, even when I had bought many items, and it took a long time for those feelings of fraudulence, and the sobs and sadness, to fade.
Two ladies at a Phase 8 outlet in Berlin were particularly sweet to me, and, as with pretty much any clothing store in Berlin, there is an on-the-spot alteration and tailoring service even for off-the-rack items.
Monika: The major change happened in 2019?
Selena: Indeed! The Berlin Summer of 2019 was when I finally stepped out in public feeling great about what I wore. To put something I loved on without a sob was a real milestone for me and thoroughly, dizzyingly liberating, and to feel the Sun through clothes I adored was and is something I shall never grow tired of.
Don't get me started, the list I have in my head is endless, but I love anything fitted with a flare to the skirt, I love flounces and peplums that mimic one of Nature's most beautiful forms that one sees in the sepals and petals of flowers, or the sublime "peplum fin" with its exquisite wave swimming motion that surrounds the whole body of the indescribably beautiful Giant Australian Cuttlefish, Sepia Apama, one of the loveliest creatures of my homeland - I am a scuba diver with 35 years’ experience, and I have seen thousands of these creatures, but the thrill and sheer joy of seeing them and the love I feel for them never dies.
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"I love flounces and peplums that mimic one of Nature's most beautiful forms ... the sublime "peplum fin" with its exquisite wave swimming motion that surrounds the whole body of the indescribably beautiful Giant Australian Cuttlefish, Sepia Apama." (via Wikipedia) |
There is the most wonderful website of the gorgeous mathematician artist Daina Taimina, who explores how hyperbolic geometry begets sublime flounce forms in nature. I love florals and natural themes in prints, and color whirls my emotions beyond my control around in a most delicious way.
I am highly color-synesthetic in my thoughts. Emerald green is my absolute favorite, and last Christmas our ten-year-old son blurted out, somewhat annoyed, "Selena, it's Christmas, not St. Patrick's Day!". I'll stop there because I could talk all day about these things.
Monika: Are you involved in the life of the local LGBTQ community?Selena: As well as transfemale, I was born intersex through my genetics. Yes, as I mentioned above, I meet regularly with about 12 transfrauen at the well-known Sonntags-Club in Berlin. This is a lovely little bar, and the warm lighting always makes me feel so good. German bars and Kneipes do lighting so well, they make for such warm feeling places. I am also going now to more lesbian events within the Berlin LGBTQi+ community. When presenting male, I was a classic "dyke tyke"; as a demisexual (although I didn't know the word in those days), I found lesbian friends and spaces safe and comforting, especially before I met my wife.
As a transwoman, I feel a little more reticent, halting, and nervous in these spaces than when I was a "dyke tyke" with my lovely friends back in Australia, but I’m meeting some lovely friends. There are several lesbian outdoors groups here that interest me and I’d love to find someone to kayak with me from Berlin to the source of the Spree beyond Cottbus - I’m not sure it's quite my wife's thing but I’d love her to be there when I get to the source of the Spree at least. I've got a little romantic quirk of wanting to visit the source of all the important rivers in my life, and since I am falling in love with Berlin, the Spree is most definitely one of those. I have kayaked the Yarra river in Melbourne extensively and done the famous Murray Marathon in an Olympic kayak - 405 kilometers over 5 days and the most wonderful adventure - I felt like Frodo Baggins in the Lord of the Rings on that journey.
Monika: Could you tell me about the importance of love in your life?
Selena: Love in all its forms is essential, especially to a social animal like us. Without love, life would be nothing. I long for intimate connection and my early life was so hard because my lack of authentic expression was a block to that. I see the total of the Universe and all its beauty as a kind of loving deity, a kind of pantheist/deist thinking, and I have always felt loved by that deity, my mother Nature. A devout and sincere Catholic friend once became concerned that I would feel unloved having no formalized religion and asked me whether I felt loved. I gave her the answer that I have felt with absolute conviction deep inside me, even in my darkest days: that I don't know how anyone can ask for any more evidence of their being loved themselves further to the simple fact that we have been granted the sublime wonder of conscious existence, the power to grasp beauty and experience joy.
Carl Sagan once said that we are the Universe contemplating itself, and that resonates so deeply with me: whatever consciousness is, I include all conscious beings in that "we", especially all the beautiful and intelligent creatures in our most divine blue home that we sadly treat with so much unlove and disrespect. To appreciate beauty has really been the one thing that has never failed me, and the feeling of the love I have just described has undoubtedly kept me alive. The love I have felt and feel for our children, for my darling wife, for the friends that make my life whole, I would be nothing without these things.
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"I am suddenly aware that love has truly kept me alive: it is the one thing that has made before transition existence worthwhile." |
Selena: As I write these words, I am suddenly aware that love has truly kept me alive: it is the one thing that has made before transition existence worthwhile. Above my wedding band, I wear the Claddagh, with the heart turned inwards towards my own heart to show my devotion to my darling wife Mindal, and I also have a necklace which is a crowned A inside a circle (the letter O). Both of these symbols (the Claddagh bears a crowned heart) stand for "Amor Vincit Omnia'' - Love overcomes all. It sounds trite, but it's so true. It is indeed the only hope left to us as we grapple with how to rework our societies into universally dignified, meaningful and sustainable lives in the face of our current inexorable liquidation of all life support systems of our beautiful Earth's biosphere, and the rising inequality and injustice we as a species face.
The crowned A motif and the necklace is a copy of distinctive necklaces that nuns wore in the middle ages: Chaucer in his Canterbury Tales describes the nun who contributes to the anthology as wearing the "crowned A". Another symbol of a different kind of love that I adore wearing, especially around my wife, is the goth love heart collar choker. It is of course is a submissive symbol, I’ll leave my discussion of that implied topic at that, aside from saying that I strongly identify as submissive and indeed roleplay in the kink scene was something that helped me build the courage to transition - interestingly my need for kink has waned since I transitioned, further showing how much of my roleplay was about Selena screaming to get out. I'm guessing the sub love heart goth choker is NOT something medieval nuns would have worn. Or maybe I’m wrong!!
Monika: Many transgender ladies write their memoirs. Have you ever thought about writing such a book yourself?
Selena: Maybe. I'm not sure. I want to write something about my past. But there are already so many of these biographies around, surely the world doesn't need another. Or if so, I’ve just been pretty Jane average: I’ve had a satisfying career in science doing things I enjoy, but there's nothing notable like reforming the law around the treatment of transgender children, a feat that makes Rebekah's and Georgie's life so essential to document. Since my memories of masculinizing puberty are so vivid, especially as I am at last only now working through the grief from that era, I do want to write something of that pain to let people know that this is what transgender children are going through right now in large numbers. Access to essential treatment for these children is, unlike the bare topic of yet another Jane Average transwoman's memories, a pertinent and burning topic. I consider my experience of growing up to being something akin to what Georgie Stone would have been would she not have been supported, as is so for so many transgender children right now.
So many events of Georgie's early life recorded in Rebekah's book have their parallels in my early and pubescent life - Georgie's declaration of her wish for a vagina for example instead of what she had to Rebekah at four years old was exactly my thought at roughly that age too, only I had no one I dared trust with such an outlandish thought. As Rebekah noted, even at a young age Georgie had an exquisitely sensitive awareness of whom she could trust with these thoughts and whom not, and so did I. I recall, for example, watching my Mum dress and undress, donning and doffing her late 1960s hinder zip closure shift and A-line dresses by pulling them up or dropping them over the hips instead of donning and doffing them over one's head like a shirt top.
So, I religiously did the same at the age of four with my singlets, and it gave me a great deal of comfort until one day I spied my Mum taking rather too much interest in these gestures. When you are four years old and you get a withering look like I got then from one's primary career, you make absolutely sure you revise your behavior to never, ever get that look again. Children, even very tiny ones, are experts at flying under the radar when they must for their survival.
Monika: Sometimes you make a reference to Hamlet.
Selena: Yes, I recall at 16 being comforted by the play Hamlet because there was someone, a clearly honorable man Hamlet, who used the tactic of staging something to observe the reaction of those close to him when they would not be straight with him. Up till then, I had felt so guilty for using this tactic extensively in my life: I would say something I knew was not true or express an opinion I did not need fully agree with just so I could observe my family's reactions to find out what they really thought when they would not be straight with me, which was almost always in 1970s Australia. I don't know when this little tactic began, but it was an essential survival skill in my teenage years.
I felt so relieved to learn that Hamlet's tactic was a valid thing, and, years later, in talking to my contemporaries, I have found there were an awful lot of little Hamlets in 1970s Melbourne and Australia, which was a place that did not respect children with honest and sincere communication on the whole. Sadly, I think many, many children must learn this skill as a survival technique. Especially trans children with non-supporting families. So I think I have a pretty vivid recall that lets me understand perhaps a little more than most what trans children go through, especially in unsupportive environments, and I would like to find some way of using that insight to make the world a better place for these children.
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"When I look back, I grieve every second I delayed, for I had no idea that I could achieve such contentment and improvement in mental health." |
Selena: Short-term mechanics, the next steps are SRS and my voice. I'd like to get SRS done in 2021 or soon after and am preparing myself (electrolysis as fast as I can with Covid-19). It's not for everyone, but I never really imagined transition without it, and I think I could really love my body with female genitals.
The surgery itself makes me nervous and I am anxious to proceed as fast as I can whilst I am still relatively young, healthy, and resilient to infection, as cross-infection complications amount to about 5% of cases, so realistically one must be sure one can recover from such a likely complication. I think the labia especially are just lovely, one of Nature's sublimely beautiful flounced forms.
I may yet opt for surgery for my voice, as our son is very fond of me, and very supportive but finds my voice embarrassing in public. He's sweet when he tells me he feels bad for being embarrassed - he's 11 and one is vulnerable to social norms at that age, and I'd love for him not to feel awkward because I sense he loves spending time with me. One can't help but have one's heart melted by him when he says such heartfelt things like, "Papa I’m so happy you're now a girl because you're so much happier than you were''.
He was stressing about my FFS and I don't think I quite appreciated the uncertainty I caused in him - when one tells a child that one is to undergo facial surgery, they have no idea what limits there might be to the appearance change. When he saw me after the swelling went down, he shrieked in delight, "Papa you look EXACTLY the same, only now a woman. You must be thrilled!". It was so lovely to see the relief in him that I was still the same person to him, and I really, really got the impression that he was happy for me.
Monika: And in the long run?
Selena: Longer term, it's difficult to know. The next 7 years will be busy, though. Both our darling children will reach adulthood in that time, and that thought brings a mixture of excitement and grief. I will at some point soon change careers towards something that works with and nurtures children, hopefully, trans children and teens. Right now we're just a little family sailing in our little boat on a choppy and slightly scary sea, and my job as a scientist is stable and consistently paid, so it would be crazy to leave just yet, especially when the proper care of our children will still require a good income, and my medical costs are not over yet, even though Germany's healthcare will subsidize SRS generously.
I also need to hatch a detailed plan, so that I can retrain appropriately - do I opt for training in childcare, psychology? Do I simply jump into something like an advocacy organization and use my writing skills both to further their cause and help with the nuts and bolts of finding funding? Perhaps I shall use my career and passion for science to convey that passion to younger people? We certainly need our millennials to see our World clearly. They will achieve great things - they must, for we, my and former generations have left them precious little choice. I am probably a little distracted with the mechanics of the transition still for this, but I know it will happen and that it will lead to something that will be fulfilling. I have no doubt now that when I complete the physical transition that I will wring every drop of happiness and fulfillment that I can from this last phase of my life.
Whatever happens, I am the best me I can possibly be, and I have a strong sense that these last days will undoubtedly be my happiest ever.
Monika: What would you recommend to all transgender women that are afraid of transition?
Selena: That's a tough one because we are all very different and no one size fits all. I have no wish or intention to trivialize the pain and prejudice that holds us back. So, let me just confine my answer to someone who absolutely knows they need to transition. I would say to that person that words cannot describe how helpful and healing this will be. When I look back, I grieve every second I delayed, for I had no idea that I could achieve such contentment and improvement in mental health. As you transition you will be sustained throughout all hardships by the rock-solid conviction that you are now being the best possible you, you can be, and gone is the wistfulness for lost opportunity.
As I have said, Selena is the first unitary sense of identity I have ever had. And I was always Selena, just slightly broken bits of her held higgledy-piggledy together in a different physical shell. I just had to work out how to rearrange them so that they could work together instead of fighting one another. I don't think I even knew really what a sense of identity was: I think I imagined it was some description of essential psychological attributes. I had no sense that a large part of it is simply a feeling that words cannot describe, but, once it's there, you know exactly what it is. I can feel like I could when I was very little, and always felt I was meant to feel even in my darkest periods of numbness.
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"For the first time I, myself, am worthwhile just for being me, whereas before it was only what I did that was worthwhile." |
For the first time I, myself, am worthwhile just for being me, whereas before it was only what I did that was worthwhile. This is what self-love truly looks like. I can write the sentence that, “Selena is beautiful, Selena is kindness, Selena is strength, love, and courage and, although she has flaws like every precious one of us, I love her profoundly" and truly mean it. Before transition, if I could even physically bring myself to write those words, I would have been cringing at my insincerity. And I mean those words even though I know I am old enough to have had every annoying attribute in the observable universe at one time or another, and probably still have quite a few.
Monika: My pen friend Gina Grahame wrote to me once that we should not limit our potential because of how we were born or by what we see other transsexuals and transgender people doing. Our dreams should not end on an operating table; that’s where they begin. Do you agree with this?
Selena: Absolutely. It's a little hard to elaborate on this because, as I said above, my head is full of plans and hopes for the future, but the raw mechanics of transition are distracting me still and delaying my capacity to move onto the next phase. As I said, there is a career change in the offing. So, completion of the physical part of the transition will be the beginning of my life as the best possible me I can be. I'm not anxious for the process to speed up, though. I am savoring the journey, I am rebuilding a depth of relationship with those dear to me, especially Mindal, my darling wife, and my children, and, of course, as a parent, one doesn't want one's children to grow up too quickly. These days, here and now, are themselves deeply precious.
Monika: Selena, it was a pleasure to interview you. Thanks a lot!
Selena: It was an absolute pleasure. Thank you so, so much for the chance to describe my journey. Before I close, I feel that this is the appropriate place to dedicate the words and feelings, and thoughts I have been able to express in this interview to my darling partner, Mindal.
"My darling partner: even in the depths of your deepest hurt, traumatized by the shock I had let slip upon you, when we were sure we would split, you still found it within you to treat me with nothing but love, kindness, and respect. Your capacity for love, considered thought, wisdom, kindness, grace, and courage make You ten times the person that most people are - very, very few people can compare with You in any way.
My darling partner, I shall love You until my very last breath and, if there is an afterlife, till the end of the Universe itself.
I thank You with all my heart for bringing Your grace and love to the world and, notwithstanding what I had to do and how much it hurt You, continuing to shine it upon me.
I am so looking forward to sharing the rest of my life with my favorite person in the Universe."
END OF PART 3
All the photos: courtesy of Selena.
© 2021 - Monika Kowalska
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