Interview with Susanna - Part 5

 

Monika: That fear must have been difficult to live with. Did working with photographers help you build confidence?

Susanna: I developed a modeling portfolio, and several wonderful photographers over the years helped me to build it up. I often learned a lot from them. I have to say that my experience of doing modeling gigs always involved being a ‘blank canvas’. As a model, you are a canvas for a make-up artist, hair stylist, designer, art director, and a photographer – who jointly strive to create a beautiful or compelling image. I found the process interesting and instructive but it made me feel like I wanted to be more a part of the creative force rather than merely the blank canvas.

Monika: What first inspired you to start your career in makeup?

Susanna: I was good at my own make-up, and even as a teenager, I was interested in the transformative possibilities of make-up, hair, and costume. I went to a professional make-up school in New York City when I lived there, and before that, I attended a part-time Cosmetology school in San Francisco. In New York, I began to excel in photographic makeup and worked with some wonderfully creative people. It was the artistic endeavour that I loved most. And although it was a freelance situation initially it became a reliable income for me. I loved the affirmation I received through the work. I also liked modeling occasionally when I was offered work but it was usually through some friend working in the fashion industry or a social connection.

Monika: Many of us feel the pressure to “pass” as women, and even after surgeries, society keeps judging us. How do you personally deal with the outside world’s expectations? 

Susanna: This was always super important for me (and many of my friends, too), particularly when younger. And working in the fashion world doing makeup, I was always aware that my job required me to pass and also to thoroughly ‘look the part’ of a stylish, elegant woman at all times. Even up into the 1980s and 1990s, it was still possible to be fired by your employer if they found out. There were no laws protecting trans people against discrimination in the UK back then. Almost certainly the same was true for the U.S.

Susanna in 2012, London, post
facial reconstruction after accident.

Monika: Did you ever have a moment when you felt your job was at risk because someone suspected?

Susanna: When I was working for Yves St Laurent Beauté in the late 1980s, I encountered a problem when a guy who was a neighbour called my boss and said that he believed I used to be a male. He apparently went into detail about how I had once worked as a makeup artist and a model in New York, and that it was well known in that city that I was a transsexual.

I was summoned to the company head office, and when I got there they had a lawyer and even a representative from Paris in the room. My boss explained about the phone call and asked me directly if it was true. Before I could answer he made clear that if I responded by saying it is true they would have to let me go with immediate effect.

Monika: How did you handle that moment?

Susanna: I answered that the allegation was completely false – I said I did work in New York as a makeup artist, and sometimes I modeled but I had never been a male. They said they were relieved and that they valued my work – so I was able to keep my job. What shook me is that as they told me about the phone call, I understood immediately it was my neighbour who made the allegation. He had previously asked me out on a date and I very politely (but firmly) declined. He kept on trying, and eventually he grew bitter and started saying to me that there must be something wrong with me that I didn’t jump at the chance to go out with him. With that I wasn’t so polite, and he obviously in turn saw it as a challenge to seek revenge on me.

Monika: Oh, how awful! That must have felt like such a betrayal, and all just because you turned him down. How did that experience affect your trust in people afterward?

Susanna: Thankfully it didn’t work exactly. But it clarified for me that there really was no safe mainstream career path for someone who was openly trans. Has it changed now? Probably – but in the present era and moving forward many of us will have to wonder if our rights and protections could be reversed with the stroke of a pen.

Monika: Sadly, that fear still feels relevant today. Did that experience push you toward becoming self-employed?

Susanna: For so many years now, I have worked for myself, and I think it was the best choice for me. I would thoroughly recommend it to other trans people if at all possible. The way I see it is nobody can fire me for simply being who I am – especially if I am the boss!

Monika: By the way, do you like being complimented on your looks? Do you find it easy to accept compliments, or do you struggle with believing them?

Susanna: Yes, I do sometimes like it and accept it and I’m happy to believe it comes from a genuine place. At the same time, it depends on what the context is and who is doing the complimenting. Do I know them? Do they really know me? Have they seen me without my makeup and a sprinkle of fairy dust? I cannot help asking myself how genuine the compliment is! I no longer feel as though I have to glam up in order to pass. And I don’t always feel I need the attention or validation either, especially not in a private setting.

Monika: That’s very relatable. I think many of us feel that difference between how we’re seen “made up” and how we are in our day-to-day lives. Do you find people react differently when they meet the “studio Susanna” versus the “glamorous Susanna”?

Susanna: When I am doing my picture framing every day in my studio, I don’t generally wear make-up – it seems completely beside the point. My clients come in and they usually see me ‘au naturel’. Occasionally they will then come in when I have got myself ready to go out for dinner or attend an event and they always go, “Wow, Suzannah, you look so glamorous!” as if I have transformed into a completely different person! I like that – they already know me and the reaction is genuine surprise and delight. I still have the ‘Glamour Mo-Jo’!

In 2009, I had an accident which broke my nose, shattered my cheekbone and nearly blinded me in one eye. I looked a mess for a very long time, and I wouldn’t let anyone see me. Over quite a long time, with a number of surgeries and therapies, and a whole lot of healing, my face finally came back. Some say they notice a difference, some don’t, and others think I look better.

Susanna in 2013, London.

Monika: Did going through all that change how you see beauty now?

Susanna: All that aside, now that I am 70 I don’t get so many compliments in daily life even when I take great trouble to be appreciated. So I am far more prepared to accept a compliment than before. What I do like very much is being appreciated for my artistic skill, or my intelligence, or my compassion.

Monika: What was the most surprising part of your transition, something you never expected, whether good or bad?

Susanna: The most surprising aspect after my reassignment surgery was that I didn’t lose my libido, and I can still orgasm. I found it worked a bit differently after the surgery, and it took me a little time and practice to discover the orgasm bit, but my libido was still there.

Even today, I'm still sexually attracted to men! Now that I’m 70 and happily married for many years, I feel blessed I don’t have to go out there to find a guy for a little comfort! I think if I were to lose my husband, I might opt for an AI companion!

Monika: How has love shaped your life and your journey as a transgender woman? Could you share what role love plays in your personal growth and happiness?

Susanna: Love is everything – truly. When I was young, I always had the love of my Mom and Dad – there was never any doubt about that, and they are my heroes in the journey. I lost my Mom in the late 1990s and my Dad ten years later. It was tough to let go but I still feel I have their love here within me. That love has always got me through the low points in my life and still does.

Monika: It sounds like your parents gave you a deep foundation of love and acceptance.

Susanna: I also love my friends whom I hold close,, and especially my trans and gay/queer friends. When my mom was still alive in the early days of my adulthood I would sometimes bring friends to meet her. They all fell in love with her! Often their own parents had rejected them for being trans. My mom would sense that they needed attention, and before long she became their mom too – and I could tell they kind of needed that. It was great to watch.

My mom wouldn’t be so interested in the ‘glamour girl’ thing – we would walk in the house and she would ask if we were hungry, do we have any dirty clothes, are we tired and need to have a nap – and after all the practical things were out of the way she would ask, “Now what's going on with you girls – let’s hear all about it.” So that was my mom.

Monika: She sounded wonderful, so down-to-earth and full of warmth. And what about your dad? You mentioned he took a bit longer to come around.

Susanna: Despite my father’s initial reluctance to accept that I was trans, I realised he was always there for me. After I came back home from San Francisco, he fully accepted I was a girl the minute he saw me, and he let me know he was proud of me as his daughter. I would go out visiting his friends with him, and he would say proudly, “Here’s my daughter Suzannah.” In later years, my Dad became my best buddy, and he used to tell me that he felt he hadn’t done enough to help me as a teenager. I tried to reassure him that I never felt that way.

Monika: That’s so moving. Having your father’s pride must have meant the world to you. Did that change how you approached love later in life?

Susanna: Then there was my love life – my boyfriends and husbands. For many years, I didn’t do so well in that direction. Just when I was ready to give up on romance, I met my husband, Piers. Wow – he has been everything to me. At first, I made him jump through so many hoops, and I made sure he understood who I am and what my needs are. A few months after we met, he suggested we move in together (which I was totally against) but he closed the deal with “You know I am going to take care of you, don’t you?” No guy had ever said that to me! And when I thought about it, I realised that is probably what I needed – what I had longed for. 

Monika: Oh, that’s such a beautiful story.

Susanna: That was 31 years ago, and we have been together ever since, and we have been married for the last 10 years. Now we are growing old together, and we still love each other. I regard him as my best friend. We are that comfortable with each other. And he watches over me and takes good care of me as he promised long ago. I sort of take care of him, too, which he seems to rather appreciate.

 

Susanna and Piers in Copenhagen, Denmark, 2025.

 

Monika: Many trans women are writing their memoirs these days. Have you ever thought about writing your own book, and if so, what would its central message be?

Susanna: I had thought of an autobiography years ago but then I decided it wouldn’t be all that interesting. I wondered, who would be my readers?! I suppose I have also considered that it is the younger ones in this generation who need to step forward and be the voice in our communities. I am happy not to write a memoir. Perhaps this interview with you can serve as my memoir – if so, I will be mighty pleased.

Monika: I am so glad that you feel your story can live through conversations and interviews like this one. Have you ever thought more about writing fiction instead?

Susanna: I could write a novel perhaps, as a creative soul that would be more to my liking. By the way, a very old trans friend who is a journalist and a critic published a novel that was semi-autobiographical. Her novel, published a few years ago, was inspired by our friendship and her experience of meeting me first in London as a ‘frivolous socialite’ and then visiting me in Chicago for an entire year in the late 1970s. In the story, she is ‘Annabel’ and the character of her glamorous friend ‘Natasha’ is based on me. It is titled Tiny Pieces of Skull, or a Lesson in Manners by Roz Kaveney.

I was nervous when I first heard that it had been published, and it was getting good reviews and lots of attention. When I actually read it I realised it was in places uncomfortably close to real events and some of the dialogue was virtually word for word. Otherwise, it was mostly made up, as we hope a novel would be. What I loved is that she gave some of the best lines to Natasha. And I was touched at the end that she had drawn Natasha as someone whose journey had been intense and occasionally dangerous – but Natasha was also human, rather like the ‘Holly Golightly’ character from Breakfast at Tiffany’s. I liked that part most. That's more or less who I was then.

Monika: It must have been quite surreal to see yourself in a novel like that. Did it feel strange, or flattering, or a bit of both?

Susanna: If I were going to write a novel, I think maybe the central message would be along the lines of “Being a Trans Woman is not for Pussies!”

Monika: Finally, what’s next for Susanna? What dreams and goals are you working toward now?

Susanna: I want to continue the restoration of our beautiful French house – perhaps finish it within the next few years or so. I really love being there – I am thrilled by the creative process it offers me– and I want us to spend more time there and to have a number of years left over when it is finished to enjoy it at leisure – at least while we still can. It will never be a full-time residence – only a ‘maison secondaire’ reserved for our twilight years.

Perhaps the peace and beauty I find there will inspire me to write a book on garden history, or maybe work on that novel! Maybe if we are very fortunate, we could have another 20 years or so to enjoy our life. I am determined to stay fit and healthy because I do love living. 

As you may have gathered, doing the very best with what I have has always been my style. I am mostly very happy – you know– and feel a sense of accomplishment in my life’s journey so far. I hope to convey to my fellow trans women and anyone else who is interested in my life story a spirit of optimism for the future. May this last long after I am gone.

Monika: Susanna, thank you so much for sharing your journey and insights.

Susanna: Thank you, Monika. I am very pleased to share and enlighten. And thank you for inviting me!

END OF PART 5

Back to PART 1

 

All photos: courtesy of Susanna.

© 2025 - Monika Kowalska