Interview with Tori - Part 2

Monika: Do you feel comfortable in sexy outfits?

Tori: Coming out and being able to express myself with my love of fashion has been a lifesaver in its own. Self admittedly; I am still trying to fit into the trends of the “younger girls” because in one way or another, as I feel “robbed” of that opportunity girls in middle school/high school/college got. So I wear a lot of short shorts, crop tops, cute oversized baggy clothing, kind of dated but I feel timeless as well. You’ll rarely find me without my signature hoops on! 

I’ve always adored the aesthetic. I’ve come to realize the absolute power in feeling yourself in a cute outfit; it literally is a feeling like NO other. I had never experienced it before and now I LIVE for it. My absolute favourite colour is rose gold/champagne pink. Again, not being able to express myself younger - I’m swinging wild with my hyper femininity! Lol 

Monika: What do you think about transgender beauty pageants?

Tori: I’ve never been in one - but I’ve watched many trans pageants on YouTube when I was growing up, which inspired me because the women on there were so beautiful, so poised, and I was obsessed. I think it’s no big deal; we have tons of beauty pageants, why not? I think it’s a wonderful sign of community and equality to have them - although, I think they should eventually be grouped together with any other beauty pageant, not just “trans beauty pageant” kind of segregationist, in that regard. One day soon, I think it won’t be so segregated; at least I hope.

"I’ve always adored the aesthetic."

Monika: By the way, do you like being complimented on your looks?

Tori: Honestly, it depends on who says it. Not to be full of myself, but I get a lot of compliments from men - most of the time it’s pretty unwelcome. If it’s a man I’m interested in, it means a lot. But honestly, compliments from other trans women/cis women are the highest compliments to me. Those mean the most to me; in terms of validation, on all fronts.

Monika: Do you remember your first job interview as a woman?

Tori: I actually have not interviewed for a job yet; I am very fortunate to still have the job I had prior to transitioning.

Monika: What would you advise to all transwomen looking for employment?

Tori: It’s so easy to just write off the option for a transwoman to have a job; as so many are involved in sex work. There’s nothing wrong, in my opinion with sex work - it’s just not for everyone; and those who don’t want to or feel they cannot, shouldn’t be forced into that box.

I have and will always say; go for it. EVEN if you get turned down; you HAVE that experience; which can be extremely invaluable in future job interviews. And if you feel you have been “turned down because you’re trans'' you can DEFINITELY make waves. It’s becoming more and more commonplace to have transwomen in the working place; thankfully! I will always recommend Starbucks; they have never turned someone down for being transgender and it’s an extremely supportive environment.

Monika: Are you involved in the life of the local LGBTQ community?

Tori: Honestly, no. In my small red-state town, I’m not very integrated into what makes up “the local LGBTQ scene” I sort of live in stealth; as it were. I do what I can to be seen and advocate within the community, but I don’t necessarily belong to and PFLAG or Queer/Peer communities.

Monika: Could you tell me about the importance of love in your life?

Tori: Ah. I could write a book. Love is very important to me; simply put. However, I’m not sure I’ve ever experienced it. I know how to give it; but not sure how to receive it. It’s a journey I’ve struggled with my entire life; and to be completely honest, I’m still working on it. I’ve only just started to learn “self-love” and how that has manifested in my life and the results of that.

I simply believe in the old adage that the great philosopher RuPaul once said; “If you can’t love yourself, how the hell you gonna love someone else!” I live in this truth; as someone who had struggled with themselves for a great portion of their adolescence and young adulthood. So yes, love is paramount; but SELF LOVE is truly invaluable.

"NO ONE can tell you who
you are or how you identify."

Monika: Many transgender ladies write their memoirs. Have you ever thought about writing such a book yourself?

Tori: I have thought about this many times, actually. My story is somewhat derivative of the “cookie cutter” trans narrative. I think that’s unique and pertinent to share because it exemplifies that there is no “right way” to transition or “transition mould” you have to follow.

There were times where I would spend way too much time pondering the question; “am I trans enough”? And I feel like a lot of individuals get caught up in that.

Monika: What is your next step in the present time and where do you see yourself within the next 5-7 years?

Tori: Currently my next step is facial feminization surgery and a breast augmentation revision I’ll be getting this fall! Yes, more surgeries; but we all have different aesthetic goals. Besides; no surgery can affect your heart - and I feel, finally - at home in my body, for the first time. I intend on SRS in my future as well, but for now - I’m taking it one step at a time. 

In 5-7 years I want to find myself financially stable, moved to LA to further pursue my modeling/musician career, being even more visible and pursuing further advocacy. I also want to settle down and start a family; getting married, having kids; all that! Starting my life in my late 20s isn’t the MOST ideal; but we are making lemonade out of lemons haha!

Monika: What would you recommend to all transgender women that are afraid of transition?

Tori: Listen. Search. Explore. Discover. Very vague, I know - but honestly...it’s not an easy thing. Transition is hands down the scariest and most trepidatious event in my life; but it has also been the MOST fulfilling, rewarding, gratifying. I simply CANNOT imagine my life now, if I would’ve stayed suppressing - it was leading down a dark and dangerous path; but we put our heel down and said, NOT TODAY. Lol.

My advice is; NO ONE can tell you “who you are” or “how you identify” so stop looking for “other validation that you are this, or that” LISTEN TO YOU; your wants, your needs. I know that sounds selfish; but hear me out. If you are a person that puts others before themselves; chances are you’ve suppressed yourself FOR OTHERS. This is a common case I’ve heard (and frankly, have experienced). If YOU aren’t looking out for yourself; how can you POSSIBLY keep giving to others; you cannot pour from an empty glass, as it were. Also, seek counseling from a therapist or a close friend that you trust dearly. This can help you alleviate some of the harrowing suppression and be able to open up and share all the “emotional baggage” you may or may not be harboring.

Finally, my biggest “nugget of wisdom” is this; the person that you are, when you are alone - when you are lying in bed at night, staring at the ceiling - your innermost self; THAT person - is WHO YOU ARE. Not who you are when others are around and affecting your decisions, attitude, temperament, etc. - the person who you go to bed AS, is who you are. Trust and believe. Your heart will ALWAYS guide you on this journey. Yes, it’s scary - but so is living in denial, suppression and eventual crippling depression; love yourself enough to REFLECT ON YOU AND YOUR HEART. And always lead, with love.

"If you can’t love yourself, how the hell
you gonna love someone else!"

Monika: My pen friend Gina Grahame wrote to me once that we should not limit our potential because of how we were born or by what we see other transgender people doing. Our dreams should not end on an operating table; that’s where they begin. Do you agree with this?

Tori: To an extent; I agree with not limiting ourselves because of how we were born; but I truly don’t believe trans people NEED surgeries; it’s all up to their wants, needs, goals, etc. I know tons of trans women who will never get surgery; because they simply don’t want it; and I know tons of trans women who can’t live without it. It’s all up to each individual. 

Nowadays, we live in a world where trans individuals are able to get the medical care they need, when they need it. We’ve come a long way in that respect; but there’s still so far to go. For now, it’s important to reflect on how far we have come and celebrate what we do have readily available to us.

Monika: Tori, it was a pleasure to interview you. Thanks a lot!

Tori: Thank you for the privilege of YOUR time, Monika. It means the world to me that you reached out to me. It was an honor and privilege to be interviewed by you; thank you!

All the photos: courtesy of Tori.

© 2021 - Monika Kowalska