Monika: Are there are any transgender ladies that you admire and respect now?
Juli: Certainly there are trans women and trans men that I admire and respect. I think Mara Keisling of the National Center for Transgender Equality stands out as someone I very much respect for her work as a leader in trans civil rights.
Monika: What was the hardest thing about your coming out?
Juli: Losing my first wife. I met my wife when I was thirteen, started going out with her at sixteen, married her at thirty, had a child with her at thirty-five, and lived with her in total for thirty-eight years.
I told her of my trans-ness at twenty, and initially, it was our “secret”. But as I grew older, I was driven to be out more and more. In 2003 I began to realize the importance of organizing and advocating for my Community. As I became more public, she became more afraid, and it also seemed to affect the feelings of her own gender and sexuality. We parted respectfully and on good terms.
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| AIDS Day 2016 with my wife Barbara. |
My story does not end sadly, however. I met a cisgender heterosexual woman at church who I became “girl” buddies with. This turned into strong friends, which turned into lovers and life partners. This year we are celebrating nine years together, married for six! Now you can understand why I say I’m lucky!
Monika: Do you like fashion? What kind of outfits do you usually wear? Any special fashion designs, colors, or trends?
Juli: I do like fashion. My wife calls me the “Shopping Dutchess”! But I find that much of my day-to-day clothing is simply jeans and a top while at home or doing errands. I usually wear a conservative women’s pantsuit at advocacy and political events.
I do get to wear more fashionable things because my wife belongs to an art gallery and there are monthly art openings that allow me to wear dresses, skirts, and more current fashions.
Monika: What do you think about transgender beauty pageants?
Juli: I think they are important for our community, especially for those just coming out. I actually appeared in two small contests thirty years ago and placed second in both. I still have my trophies which I prize.
However, at some point, we need to expand our lives. I believe working to help our Community is one of the most important things a TGNC person can do. We need to make it easier to come out, and we need to fight for those of our community who are homeless, hungry, undocumented, unemployed, underemployed, and without rights.
Monika: Many transgender ladies write their memoirs. Have you ever thought about writing such a book yourself?
Juli: Yes, I have. I already have a title for it: “Just a girl on the road – a boy’s journey to womanhood”. If and when I get around to writing it, it will focus on telling the funny and not-so-funny things that have happened to me along the way.
Monika: Could you tell me about the importance of love in your life?
Juli: Love is a very important component in my life and has always been. Here again, I would say that I have been extremely lucky. For most of my time with my first wife, it was a loving relationship. In some ways her limited acceptance of me and my being transgender allowed me to grow and develop. Once that relationship ended, I went through a period of confusion and fear – fear that I would never find someone who could love me as I am.
Then I met my second wife who has had an amazing impact on my life. I consider these years with her to be the “garden years” of my life, the period of time when I really bloomed into the person I was supposed to be. For those of us who have experienced true love, there is nothing like having a home where you are happy to just be with your loved one.
Add to this the fact that I have a daughter who has supported my work and is proud of the accomplishments that I’ve had. I know that “lucky” doesn’t really define how impactful it can be when you have support and love all around you.
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| Transgender Town Hall. |
Monika: What would you recommend to all transgender girls struggling with gender dysphoria?
Juli: My first advice would be to try to stay calm, stay safe, take a moment, and think about what you want in your life, who you want in your life, and how you can go from where you are now to where you want to be.
By trying to stay calm and stay safe, it means looking at our daily habits and making sure they do not put us in severe danger. Is your inner turmoil making you over-drink or take harmful drugs? Is your situation one where you must do sex work to survive – and if it is, are you practicing safe sex to prevent you from getting the HIV virus?
Can you take the negative energy, used in doing destructive things, and somehow put it to positive use, like finishing your education or volunteering at a social services organization?
Are you in a destructive relationship that physically or mentally harms you? Can you take steps to safely remove yourself from a violent situation? Can you find a way to remove yourself from situations that are dangerous and perhaps not follow those who have uncontrolled destructive energy and actions?
Can you take a moment to wish for a better life? And from those wishes, can you think of solid positive steps that you can take to work your way towards the happiness and freedom that you deserve? It won’t be easy, but to know that you have the strength, the ability, and the intelligence to make your dreams happen is extremely important.
Monika: My pen friend Gina Grahame wrote to me once that we should not limit our potential because of how we were born or by what we see other transsexuals and transgender people doing. Our dreams should not end on an operating table; that’s where they begin. Do you agree with this?
Juli: I would go further. Our dreams should not be dictated by what our bodies currently look like or what others do or don’t do. Surgery for some of us should be a means or a step to reach our dreams, but not the final end-all dream. I have seen people who are still stalled after surgery. That’s because the things they really need are not based solely on the biological tissue they do or do not have.
Additionally, for some of us, surgery should not even be a necessary step in reaching our dreams. Do what you can with what you have. Build on the positive steps you are taking, and continue to follow your dreams wherever they take you. If surgery is part of the plan, that is great. But issues of personal health, affordability, personal relationships, careers, and economic capabilities all play a part in making your life successful.
Remember, if you think it, you can do it!
Monika: Juli, thank you for the interview!
All the photos: courtesy of Juli Grey-Owens.
© 2017 - Monika Kowalska
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