Interview with Juli Grey-Owens - Part 2

Monika: Today, are there transgender women you particularly admire and respect for their contributions or leadership?

Juli: Certainly, there are trans women and trans men that I admire and respect. I think Mara Keisling of the National Center for Transgender Equality stands out as someone I very much respect for her work as a leader in trans civil rights.

Monika: Looking back on your journey, what would you say was the most difficult part of coming out as transgender?

Juli: Losing my first wife. I met my wife when I was thirteen, started going out with her at sixteen, married her at thirty, had a child with her at thirty-five, and lived with her in total for thirty-eight years.

Monika: How did she respond when you first shared your truth with her?

Juli: I told her about my trans-ness when I was twenty, and initially, it was our “secret.” But as I grew older, I was driven to be out more and more. In 2003, I began to realize the importance of organizing and advocating for my Community. As I became more public, she became more afraid, and it also seemed to affect the feelings of her own gender and sexuality. We parted respectfully and on good terms.

Monika: How did life unfold for you after that separation?

Juli: My story does not end sadly, however. I met a cisgender heterosexual woman at church who I became “girl” buddies with. This turned into strong friendship, which turned into lovers and life partners. This year we are celebrating nine years together, married for six! Now you can understand why I say I’m lucky!

AIDS Day 2016 with my wife Barbara.

Monika: How would you describe your relationship with fashion? What styles or colors do you gravitate toward, and do you follow any particular trends?

Juli: I do like fashion. My wife calls me the “Shopping Dutchess”! But I find that much of my day-to-day clothing is simply jeans and a top while at home or doing errands. I usually wear a conservative women’s pantsuit at advocacy and political events. I do get to wear more fashionable things because my wife belongs to an art gallery, and there are monthly art openings that allow me to wear dresses, skirts, and more current fashions.

Monika: What role do you think transgender beauty pageants play within the community?

Juli: I think they are important for our community, especially for those just coming out. I actually appeared in two small contests thirty years ago and placed second in both. I still have my trophies, which I prize. However, at some point, we need to expand our lives. I believe working to help our Community is one of the most important things a TGNC person can do. We need to make it easier to come out, and we need to fight for those in our community who are homeless, hungry, undocumented, unemployed, underemployed, and without rights.

Monika: Have you ever considered telling your life story in a memoir?

Juli: Yes, I have. I already have a title for it: “Just a Girl on the Road – A Boy’s Journey to Womanhood.” If and when I get around to writing it, it will focus on telling the funny and not-so-funny things that have happened to me along the way. 
Monika: How would you describe the role that love has played in shaping your life?

Juli: Love is a very important component in my life and has always been. Here again, I would say that I have been extremely lucky. For most of my time with my first wife, it was a loving relationship. In some ways, her limited acceptance of me and my being transgender allowed me to grow and develop. 

 

Interview for People Loving People (Vimeo)

 

Monika: How did you navigate love and relationships after your first marriage ended?

Juli: Once that relationship ended, I went through a period of confusion and fear, fear that I would never find someone who could love me as I am. Then I met my second wife, who has had an amazing impact on my life. I consider these years with her to be the “garden years” of my life, the period of time when I really bloomed into the person I was supposed to be. For those of us who have experienced true love, there is nothing like having a home where you are happy to just be with your loved one.

Monika: Beyond romantic love, who else has been a source of support and encouragement in your journey?

Juli: I have a daughter who has supported my work and is proud of the accomplishments that I’ve had. I know that “lucky” doesn’t really define how impactful it can be when you have support and love all around you.

Monika: What advice would you give to transgender girls who are struggling with gender dysphoria and feeling overwhelmed?

Juli: My first advice would be to try to stay calm, stay safe, take a moment, and think about what you want in your life, who you want in your life, and how you can go from where you are now to where you want to be.

Monika: How important is it to be mindful of daily habits and personal safety during difficult times?

Juli: By trying to stay calm and stay safe, it means looking at our daily habits and making sure they do not put us in severe danger. Is your inner turmoil making you over-drink or take harmful drugs? Is your situation one where you must do sex work to survive, and if it is, are you practicing safe sex to prevent getting the HIV virus?  

Monika: What positive steps can someone take to turn negative energy into something constructive?

Juli: Can you take the negative energy, used in doing destructive things, and somehow put it to positive use, like finishing your education or volunteering at a social services organization?

 

Transgender Town Hall.

 

Monika: How can someone recognize and remove themselves safely from harmful or dangerous situations?

Juli: Are you in a destructive relationship that physically or mentally harms you? Can you take steps to safely remove yourself from a violent situation? Can you find a way to remove yourself from situations that are dangerous and perhaps not follow those who have uncontrolled destructive energy and actions? Can you take a moment to wish for a better life?

And from those wishes, can you think of solid positive steps that you can take to work your way towards the happiness and freedom that you deserve? It won’t be easy, but to know that you have the strength, the ability, and the intelligence to make your dreams happen is extremely important.

Monika: My pen friend Gina Grahame once told me that we shouldn’t limit our potential based on how we were born or by what other transgender or transsexual people are doing. She said our dreams shouldn’t end on an operating table, that’s actually where they begin. Do you agree with that idea? 

Juli: I would go further. Our dreams should not be dictated by what our bodies currently look like or what others do or don’t do. Surgery for some of us should be a means or a step to reach our dreams, but not the final end-all dream. I have seen people who are still stalled after surgery. That’s because the things they really need are not based solely on the biological tissue they do or do not have.

Monika: What would you say to those who feel pressured to undergo surgery to achieve their dreams?

Juli: For some of us, surgery should not even be a necessary step in reaching our dreams. Do what you can with what you have. Build on the positive steps you are taking, and continue to follow your dreams wherever they take you. If surgery is part of the plan, that is great. But issues of personal health, affordability, personal relationships, careers, and economic capabilities all play a part in making your life successful.

Remember, if you think it, you can do it!

Monika: Juli, thank you for the interview! 

All the photos: courtesy of Juli Grey-Owens.

© 2017 - Monika Kowalska