Interview with Lannie Rose - Part 2

Monika: We all pay the highest price for the fulfillment of our dreams to be ourselves. As a result, many trans women lose their families, friends, jobs, and social positions. Did you pay such a high price as well? What was the hardest thing about your coming out?

Lannie: By far the hardest thing for me was trying to date after I transitioned and did SRS. It took me a while to get the message that, as a transwoman, I am simply sexually undesirable to a large majority of men. No one was overtly cruel to me, but the rejection when I would come out as trans, even when expressed in the kindest possible way, was emotionally brutal for me.

It worked out okay, though, because I entirely lost my sex drive with my SRS – my body simply will not get turned on. Not really unusual for a woman of my age, by the way. So sex has simply had no place in my life for the last decade. But it’s worse than that. Sex aside, you’ve got the choice of being alone or having a partner. In my life as a dude, I always had a hard time finding girlfriends. I mostly inhabited the dreaded “friend zone.” 

Now, as a woman desiring a male partner, I’ve got the same problem but in spades, because of the trans rejection thing. It’s like they say, the problems you had before transition are the same ones you’ll have after. I’m just able to cope with them better by dint of being sober, comfortable in my gender, and having grown spiritually. I’ve dealt with this particular problem the way many trans women do: I am partnered with another trans woman.

Monika: The transgender cause is usually manifested together with the other LGBTQ communities. Being the penultimate letter in this abbreviation, is the transgender community able to promote its own cause within the LGBTQ group?

Lannie: I deal with being the penultimate letter by calling the group LGBTQQIIAAA. Oh damn, now I’m the final letter, Asexual!

Seriously, the way for the trans community to promote its cause is the same way our gay brothers and sisters made marriage equality the law of the land in the United States: by coming out and telling our stories. This business with the trans bathrooms bills is bad, but it has the silver lining that a lot of trans kid’s stories are getting out there because of it.

Another glamour shot.

When I was cross-dressing in the 90s, I didn’t know any trans people and wasn’t even sure I believed they existed. I think everybody knows about trans people now – thanks, Caitlyn Jenner! I also see the LGs being a lot more inclusive of the Bs and Ts (and QQIIAAAs) these days, and many media figures are as well. We are winning!

I think we’ll see real progress on our critical issues of violence, poverty, unemployment, and health care over the next decade as these trends continue.

Monika: Do you participate in any lobbying campaigns? Do you think transgender women can make a difference in politics?

Lannie: I’m afraid I’m that post-op cliché: I don’t really participate in the community at all anymore. Now and then I get e-mails from other transitioning women, and I’m always happy to hear from them and provide some support and encouragement, but that’s about it. I found that having cancer was a great way to stop obsessing over being trans! 

Monika: OMG, cancer? How are you?

Lannie: It was a little throat cancer 10 years ago, and I appear to be all clear now. Thank God!

Monika: Do you like fashion? What kind of outfits do you usually wear? Any special fashion brands, colors, or trends?

Lannie: Ha! Post-op transsexual, remember? I haven’t worn a skirt in a decade. These days I’m jeans and a t-shirt, no make-up, no jewelry, short hair. The photo accompanying this article is recent, but it is touched up with some software make-up!

I remember when I first started transitioning, I met a post-op who was much the same as I am now. I couldn’t understand why she wasn’t wearing short skirts and tons of make-up, but I was wise enough to keep my wonderment to myself. The thing is, transition cures gender dysphoria. Now I take my gender totally for granted, just like cis-people, and feel no need to enhance or exhibit it.

Also, there is that asexual thing, I’m not trying to attract lovers! In fact, having seen things from both sides and the middle, what with the current #MeToo movement, I kind of see fashion and make-up as part of rape culture more than anything else. Is that too dark? 

Monika: Uh, yeah, that’s pretty dark. Let’s try this: I have read somewhere that cisgender women were liberated thanks to the development of the contraceptive pill, whereas transgender women are free now thanks to the development of cosmetic surgery, so they are no longer prisoners of passing or non-passing syndrome …

Lannie: It’s an interesting analogy, but I don’t think it holds up very deeply. 90+ percent of women use the pill, but I think the percent of trans women who get cosmetic surgery is much lower, if for no other reason than that many cannot afford it.

Even more, I’d like to see much less emphasis on the surgery aspect of transitioning, and more on self-acceptance and spiritual growth, and on society accepting us whether or not we pass. But then again, I’m probably full of shit because I most certainly benefited from cosmetic surgery!

Monika: What do you think about transgender beauty pageants?

Lannie: I’m not sure what you’re referring to. Ru Paul’s Drag Race? I never watched, not sure why, but it seems to me that drag has only a small intersection with the transsexual experience. If regular trans folks are having beauty pageants, I don’t know, it’s probably a good thing. When you are transitioning or finding your way toward transitioning, appearance is very important for establishing your identity in your new gender role.

It’s important to see yourself in your true gender and to have others see you like that too. Beauty pageants could be a good tool for building self-confidence and strengthening gender identity. If they are being done within the trans community, I’m sure they are well-intentioned and lacking most of the problems many have with traditional cis pageants.

Monika: Could you tell me about the importance of love in your life?

Lannie: Frankly, not very important. I have no children, my family is the opposite of close-knit, and I don’t see much of my few heart friends. I’m pretty much a loner. As I mentioned, I don’t even go into an office, I work from home.

I’ve been quite introverted my whole life – not necessarily shy, but just preferring the inner life in my mind to the outer. At this point in my life, I’m just giving in and wallowing in it. I’d be happy if it changes someday, but for now, that’s it.

Monika: What would you recommend to all transgender girls struggling with gender dysphoria?

Lannie: Rocky Horror Picture Show: Don’t dream it, be it! But also I would repeat that hoary transsexual wisdom: Do not transition unless you absolutely have to. The transition will not solve your problems, but it may be something you need to get past just to be able to work on the other issues.

Also, if you do transition, do not automatically assume SRS has to be part of it. More and more people are transitioning without SRS, and it is a totally legit path.

Lannie with red hair.

Monika: My pen friend Gina Grahame wrote to me once that we should not limit our potential because of how we were born or by what we see other transsexuals and transgender people doing. Our dreams should not end on an operating table; that’s where they begin. Do you agree with this?

Lannie: I very much agree with it! The story of just about every trans person I know is a life of sublimation prior to transition, be it with hobbies, manliness activities, sex, drugs, or, in my case, booze.
After I sobered up, transitioned, and had my SRS, for about a year I met with a small group of other post-ops. We fondly referred to ourselves as the Post-Toasties. It was all about coping with life after the operating table. Everybody finds it to be tough.
You see, we spent all those years teaching ourselves to be unhappy, and being satisfied with being unhappy. It is not easy to turn that around. Of course, I speak from the perspective of a late transitioner.

I hope that people transitioning very young these days are spared much of this grief. Anyway, about a year after my SRS, I whined to my therapist, “I’ve done everything, and I’m still desperately unhappy! Please tell me, what can I do? I’ll try anything you say.” She recommended two things: One, anti-depressants, which for some reason I had always resisted, and two, going to Alcoholics Anonymous. It took me about a year of intensive work with those two aids and exploring many other avenues of spiritual growth before the sunlight broke through my clouds. Since then, I’ve felt pretty content with my life, even going through cancer and the deaths of both of my parents. Life is pretty good, without gender dysphoria!

Monika: Lannie, thank you for the interview!

Lannie: Thanks, Monika. I enjoyed it. I hope your readers do too! 

All the photos: courtesy of Lannie Rose.

© 2018 - Monika Kowalska