Interview with Marissa Alexa McCool - Part 2

 

Monika: What made you decide to come out publicly, and how did that affect your path forward?

Marissa: When I saw that the second name on the list of victims was McCool, I had the realization that if I had been in that building, 98 percent of the people in my life would not remember the person I truly was, but only a false persona I presented to protect myself. Within a month, I was officially on hormones, but I stealthed it for a while. I was scared to be completely public until I had an epiphany when a bully preacher was on campus blaming the suicide problem we’d had there on acceptance of LGBTQ people, and I responded by standing up to him and coming out publicly on video. That was less than a month before I started writing The PC Lie, came out on my podcast, and became an activist. Not a lot of time transpired between my public coming out and stepping into the public eye, but I do not regret the decision. The fear didn’t disappear overnight, but the urgency to live my truth finally became stronger than my hesitation.

Monika: During the early stages of your transition, were there any individuals, whether public figures or friends, who served as important sources of inspiration or guidance?

Marissa: My friend Asa, a trans man, ran a blog and did a lot of work bringing trans visibility to my local area. Laura Jane Grace of the band Against Me! wrote songs that I didn’t quite understand until I started living fully as a trans girl. While I didn’t relate to her story as much, Janet Mock is someone I really admire and follow closely. Discovering these voices helped me feel less alone and gave me a sense of community, even before I had one of my own.

Monika: How did your friendship with Callie Wright shape your personal and public journey as a trans woman?

Marissa: It would also be impossible to talk about trans role models without mentioning Callie Wright. Callie is another trans woman podcaster (The Gaytheist Manifesto) and was responsible for the first public appearance I made as my true self in November 2016. Since then, we’ve worked together many times, became really close friends, and co-founded a nonprofit/media network designed to help raise visibility for trans podcasters called the Trans Podcaster Visibility Initiative.

We have 12 members and are currently running a fundraiser to help a local trans family send their child to a better school. Callie was the first person in the podcasting community that I didn’t already know who I came out to privately, and she is one of the most special people in the world to me. Her support gave me the courage to step into the spotlight and begin living out loud without apology.

Available via Amazon.

Monika: Who are some of the transgender women you admire most today, whether public figures or people you've met personally? 

Marissa: Still Callie Wright, and of course, Janet Mock and Laura Jane Grace. To add to that, though, I’ve met so many trans women that I admire, love, respect, and learn from all the time, and I continue to do so as I travel to meet so many others. Andrea Jenkins got elected to public office as an out trans person of color here in the Twin Cities, and that’s near the top of my admiration list for sure. Melina Barratt, Chloe Goldbach, Maddy Love, and so many others have made such a difference in my life for the better that I feel I’d never run out of names if I tried to think of all of them.

Monika: Many trans women are forced to sacrifice deeply personal aspects of their lives, family ties, careers, or social status, just to live authentically. Did you experience significant losses when you came out?

Marissa: I didn’t pay nearly the same price as so many in our community have to. Yes, I lost friends, and though I’ve had difficulty with some members of my family, I’ve never dealt with open hostility from them. I have never made light of the fact that I recognize just how lucky I really am to have a good job, a platform, and a lot of people who would go out of their way to protect me. I feel like if I wasn’t giving back to help those who don’t have that, I would be a hypocrite. That sense of gratitude continues to shape how I navigate my visibility and activism.

Monika: What motivates you to stay so engaged in giving back to the trans community?

Marissa: I try to help bring visibility to those voices, which is why on my trans-specific podcast, we interview a lot of non-podcaster trans people. We’ve had conversations with those who are differently abled, are or have been homeless, and deal with different levels of erasure as non-binary people, including my co-host Ari Stillman. I try to do my best to make as many voices heard, loved, and respected as possible, and given how many private messages I’ve had on various social media over the last year, it has not been in vain. Every message of thanks reminds me why this work is essential.

Monika: In recent years, we’ve seen more visibility for transgender women in media, arts, politics, and business. Do you think this increased presence reflects real progress, or is it still just surface-level representation?

Marissa: It is better than it has ever been, but there’s still a long way to go. The Trans Day of Remembrance saw way too many names being read, as we did for The Gaytheist Manifesto this year on TDOR. We still deal with too many openly hostile people who minimize and/or contribute to the violence, discrimination, and difficulties we face in finding housing, employment, and love. It’s heartening to see public success stories, but those don't always reflect the reality on the ground for many trans people.

Monika: What are the key challenges that still need to be addressed for trans women to thrive more broadly?

Marissa: There are places in this country I know I can’t feel safe using the bathroom, and that is not acceptable. But even in just the last few years, it has gotten exponentially better for so many of us, while too many people in our community still struggle to get their medicine, find a job, or live comfortably because the government has made it easier to discriminate against us, such as through military bans. We need to ensure that progress isn't limited to visibility but includes legal protections and real social change. Change is happening. It is not fast enough, and too many people have had to suffer and die in the process, but it is happening.

Monika: The transgender community is often included under the broader LGBTQ+ umbrella. Do you feel trans people have been able to advocate effectively for their specific needs within this larger coalition?

Marissa: For the most part, I would say we have. There are some who believe that only the L and G should be there, and some LGBs who want us out of their movement. I’ve been lucky, in both where I live and the university I’ve attended, to not have come across that as much as some others have. Especially in the last year, so many have come out and stood by us as our voices are heard and human faces are put on issues that previously were only words and misunderstood ideas. I think the more we share our lived experiences, the harder it becomes to erase us from the narrative.

Available via Amazon.

Monika: Transgender representation in media has long been a topic of debate. How do you view the way trans characters and stories have been portrayed in films, newspapers, or books over the years?

Marissa: I sort of talked about this earlier, but until very recently, trans women were used as punchlines (Ace Ventura, most comedies before 2015) or portrayed as serial killers (Silence of the Lambs). Then, as we became more represented, trans characters were little more than being trans, and they were usually killed off or suffered horrifically. On top of that, the roles were often played by cis people, which lends inaccurate credence to the idea that a trans person is just a cis person in a different gender’s clothes or suffering from a mental illness. Thankfully, we're slowly moving away from those damaging tropes.

Monika: Have you seen any meaningful improvements in how trans people are portrayed in today's media landscape?

Marissa: The progress is once again slow but noticeable. It shouldn’t be a shock if a trans character is played by a trans actor, but it unfortunately still is at this point. I’m of course talking about mainstream works, as there are lesser-known pieces that have been representative, but it’s still far too rare and hard to find. I remain hopeful that visibility will lead to richer, more authentic stories reaching wider audiences.

Monika: Some say that just as contraceptive pills contributed to the liberation of cisgender women, advancements in cosmetic surgery have given transgender women greater freedom, especially from the pressure to "pass" or conform physically. Do you agree with this idea?

Marissa: That relies upon the presumption that anyone has access to it. Whereas some of my non-American friends have found access to trans healthcare relatively painless, here in America, access to affordable medicine, therapy, and trans-friendly care is not so easy. When you combine that with the aforementioned difficulties of finding housing, employment, and support, cosmetic surgery isn’t a realistic possibility for far too many. It’s also not a cure-all, as dysphoria happens and is valid even after surgeries have happened. The more accessible these procedures are, the more lives that can be improved, but it’s not a miracle cure for the ailments we face in our society as trans people. I believe true freedom comes from societal acceptance as much as from medical advancements.

Monika: Love can be such a grounding force, especially during difficult times. Who are the people in your life who have given you the most love and support? 

Marissa: I have a lot of love in my life. My husband, who is also trans, is my rock and has been there for me every step of the way. My partner, who is a non-binary person, loves me as well. I have a lot of friends (some of whom call themselves the McCool Militia) who are quick to come to my defense if someone is being hostile toward me on social media or in person, and I have met thousands of people in my travels and projects that have made such a tremendous impact on my life. Love is not a pie, and I’m fortunate enough to be able to share some with so many amazing people. Without the love and support from my community and within my support structure, I don’t know where I’d be right now.

Monika: What creative or advocacy projects are you currently working on that you're excited about?

Marissa: When the #MeToo hashtag became a viral concept, a fellow podcaster named Thomas Smith (Serious Inquiries Only) featured three anonymous women on his show who shared their stories of sexual harassment and assault. He remarked before the interviews on that show that he could make a weekly podcast out of those stories, and I got the idea to do so after asking if I could use that idea. That’s when I started the podcast called We Too, Our Stories, in which there is no intro, no outro, no music. Just anonymous stories and that’s it. That has been the hardest podcast I’ve ever done. But when so many men reacted surprised that so many women had dealt with assault and harassment, and hearing stories became therapeutic for so many, I felt like I could help by sharing stories of others to let everyone out there know that they weren’t alone.

The UPenn V-Day's 17th production of
the Vagina Monologues in Philadelphia, PA.

Monika: Many transgender girls face deep struggles with gender dysphoria, often feeling isolated and uncertain. What message would you give them to help them stay strong and grounded?

Marissa: You are who you say you are, no matter who tries to tell you otherwise. I see you. I hear you. You are valid, and I believe in you. It’s easy to feel invisible when the world tries to define you, but please know you have every right to live as your true self.

Monika: Was there a particular moment or person who helped you feel seen and supported during your own journey?

Marissa: If I may also borrow the final words of every episode of The Gaytheist Manifesto: “I want you to know that if you’re lost, you’re hurting, you’re scared, if you feel like no one cares and no one understands, you need to know there’s a community out here that loves you, cares for you, knows you’re capable of amazing things, and that you are worthy of love. If you’re struggling, please don’t be afraid to reach out.” Those words rang true after my interview with Callie before I came out. We spoke for over an hour after our interview was over, and it was instrumental in making me believe I could come out and be safe. I don’t know where I’d be without Callie. That one conversation became a turning point in my life.

Monika: A dear pen friend of mine, Gina Grahame, once told me that we should never limit our potential based on how we were born or what we see other transgender people doing. She said our dreams shouldn’t end on the operating table, that’s where they begin. Do you share this perspective?

Marissa: Trans people are just as capable as anyone else of achieving amazing things in this world, and whether or not they have surgery does not define our validity or agency. We are who we say we are, we deserve love and respect, and our dreams are valid. Surgery is a dream for many of us, but it’s not an end goal, it’s just one step along the journey, not the finish line.

Monika: Marissa, thank you so much for sharing your insights and your story with me today.

Marissa: Thank you so much. It’s an incredible honor to share my story with you. I want you, and anyone else out there, for that matter, to know that I’m always willing to be there for you if I possibly can, and I’ll do anything I can to help you along the way. My inbox is filled with countless examples of this, and I try as hard as I can to do so. It means the world to me to lift others up whenever I can.

My website: rismccool.com
My podcasts: The Inciting Incident Podcast, The Cis Are Getting Out of Hand, We Too - Our Stories, and are available on Libsyn, Spreaker, iTunes, Google Play, Stitcher, and plenty of other streaming and podcasting apps. They can be supported on Patreon, and one-time donations to help my work or purchase my books through my own website are always welcome.
My books are available on my website as well as Amazon and other booksellers.
If you need to reach out, please do so at rismcwriting@gmail.com
Our nonprofit is the Trans Podcaster Visibility Initiative and can be found on Facebook.

END OF PART 2

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All photos: courtesy of Marissa Alexa McCool.

© 2014 - Monika Kowalska

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