Monika: I remember the time right after my transition, it was pure euphoria. My closet is still full of dresses and shoes that I literally bought by the dozens back then, and I must have tried on hundreds. I felt like I had to make up for all those years that were taken from me. Did you feel the same way?
Nia: Yes. My wife reminded me during that time that I missed puberty as a girl, and when I started on hormones, it was going through puberty again. I had to find my style like a teen girl would. I had to understand what things fit my body.
I definitely had a lot of clothes out of the gate from stores that were made for 18-year-olds, even though I was 35. Over time I have understood my own style and what I like to wear, what makes me feel like myself, and I am much more understated than I was at the beginning of my transition for sure. No more gold tube tops (mostly).
Monika: How would you describe your personal style? Do you follow any specific fashion trends, or do you have go-to outfits that make you feel confident?
Nia: I love to dress up completely or down completely. I have so many fancy gala outfits in my closet, sequined jumpsuits and dresses, but my go do on the daily is a tank top, jeans and backwards hat. I love to feel comfortable and now that I’m comfortable with my body, I’m more comfortable in what people would categorize as men’s clothes. But I have a lot of easy spring/summer dresses too. So I guess I love everything!
Monika: Do you love playing around with makeup, or is it more of a “throw on the basics and go” kind of vibe for you?
Nia: I used to play a lot but realized that I’m not good at it. I love having someone else do my make up and making me feel great, but on a daily basis, I throw on the basics, less than three minutes. Sunscreen concealer, eyebrow pencil, under eye concealer and a bit of blush on my cheeks and away I go.
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| "Love for me is the foundation of everything I do." |
Monika: By the way, do you like being complimented on your looks? Do you find it easy to accept compliments, or do you struggle with believing them?
Nia: Early on, I would get compliments from strangers to let me know they were affirming of my trans identity. Things like, “I like your hair” or “I like your nails.” I could tell folks were complimenting me to be affirming which felt good. These days, I appreciate a real compliment, especially when I’m rocking an outfit I find particularly great.
When I was presenting as a man in college, a professor told me that in the small college, many of the girls were wanting to date me because I was a good looking person. I shrugged it off and said “no.” She said, “Just accept the compliment and move forward.” I took that advice to heart even before I transitioned and am much better at accepting compliments now. A woman’s world is very different though, we are just so much more affirming of each other generally.
Monika: Did you ever feel pressure to meet a certain ideal of femininity, like I did by trying to look like the women around me?
Nia: Yes most definitely. Early on, I dressed uber feminine, I wanted to see myself in the mirror. But ultimately I realized I was approximating something that I thought society wanted to see. I would see beautiful women and try to be like them. I had to do a ton of makeup and I would go over the top to hide things I didn’t like such as my broad shoulders. The more I understand myself though, the more I know what I like and want. I am continually trying to evaluate what I feel as external pressure and what is my own internal dysphoria as well. If it’s my dysphoria, I try to change it, if it’s external, I try to ignore it.
Monika: Do you remember your first job interview as a woman? Did you feel nervous, or did you approach it with confidence?
Nia: So I came out at work while I was the head of Human Resources. After coming out I worked there for another 3 years, so I had a few years as myself before I had to do my first interview as myself. At that point, I was confident that either the employer would like me or not, but all I can do is be myself, so I didn’t feel much pressure and felt pretty confident in who I was. Again, I had 3 years of being myself to gain that confidence.
Monika: When I came out at work, my male co-workers suddenly started treating me as if my transition had lowered my IQ. Did you experience a similar shift in how people perceived your intelligence or competence?
Nia: Fortunately, I worked in education and most of my male colleagues were fantastically supportive. Some of the men at my church, though, definitely started treating me like I needed help in understanding things. There was also the encroachment on physical space (getting closer when talking one on one) that I had never experienced before coming out that I suddenly experienced from men in my life. It was a wild shift. I call this behavior “Rude, but Affirming.”
It is rude to assume that as a woman I am now dumber or need you to get close to me to explain things, but affirming that you are seeing me as a woman. These are things cis women have dealt with their whole lives and are just rude or worse, but as a trans woman, especially early on, there was an affirming element to that terrible behavior.
Monika: What was the most surprising part of your transition, something you never expected, whether good or bad?
Nia: I honestly never thought I would feel comfortable in my own body, or even generally comfortable moving through the world, but I am. Yes, I still have struggles, but I am content with who I am. I was also surprised to learn that feet can shrink from estrogen, which mine did by a full size!
Monika: How has love shaped your life and your journey as a transgender woman? Could you share what role love plays in your personal growth and happiness?
Nia: Love is my cornerstone. I talk a lot about the shame and worthlessness that I got from my religious environment growing up, but I also learned about love. Through my transition, I learned how to love myself, which in turn allows me to give that love to others. The love and safe space that Katie has given to me since we were kids, I finally learned how to give myself, and now can hopefully pass that on to others. Love for me is the foundation of everything I do. I love to learn and grow, but if what I’m learning doesn’t align with my ethos of love, I have to think twice about it. I also am convinced that finding people who love me for who I am, truly love me unconditionally, has led me to a happiness and contentment that I truly never thought possible.
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| "I don’t get caught up in my own head anymore and I love that." |
Monika: Finally, what’s next for Nia? What dreams and goals are you working toward now?
Nia: I love my job in HR but also love the work I do with Love in the Face, talking to other trans folks. I hope my memoir allows me to talk more to others about their dreams, their identities and how we can continue to build safe spaces for ourselves. Writing wise, I am just finishing a TV pilot based on my family (it’s a comedy) and would love to get that made. Otherwise, I am really enjoying living life in my corner of the world, with my wife, kids and dog. Quiet is very good for me these days. I don’t get caught up in my own head anymore and I love that.
Monika: Nia, thank you so much for sharing your journey and insights.
Nia: I’m so grateful for the opportunity and thank you so much for the work that you do!
END OF PART 2
All photos: courtesy of Nia Chiaramonte.
© 2025 - Monika Kowalska
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