Monika: The path to living authentically often comes at a steep cost, sometimes involving the loss of friends, family, or even careers. When you came out, what was the most difficult part for you, and how did you manage to get through it?
Sara: I have been very lucky in this regard. My family, friends, employer, and neighbours have all been amazing. I lost a couple of friends early on who felt they couldn’t handle it. I think it was more about it being me than about being trans. There were times when I struggled though, mainly out of fear that things would go wrong. I was always afraid I would lose my family, especially my children, but I was fortunate to be able to bring them along on my journey.
My sister has been an incredible support, as has my eldest son. Without them educating and helping the rest of my family, I am still unsure how it all would have turned out. There is no doubt that at times I feared everything might collapse. The key for me was to be open and clear, to communicate regularly, and never to hold anything back. I always told my children that while I might not share everything unprompted, if they asked me a question, I would always give them the truth. And now I have three wonderful grandchildren in my life.
Monika: How did your professional life unfold during this time?
Sara: Employment is crucial for all of us, as it sets our standard of living. I had always worked for multinational companies at high levels of management throughout my career and hoped to maintain that standard of employment. My current position came with its complications, particularly during the application and interview process, but my employers have been amazingly open to dialogue and very supportive. I have been with them for over 20 years.
Monika: Do you remember the first time you saw a trans woman on TV or met one in real life that helped you realize, “That’s me!”?
Sara: I doubt if I could pinpoint when I saw someone on television, there were so many instances of either trans people or drag on TV back when I was growing up that it always intrigued me and I would ask myself if this was possible for me. I remember seeing the stories about April Ashley in the newspapers around 1970 when I was very young. I also saw Jan Morris on Irish TV in 1975, a very different presentation of womanhood. But I don’t think I ever identified with one particular trans person, more a mix of many of them. I always felt I needed to forge my own path. Ní bheidh mo leithéid arís ann.
Monika: Many of us feel the pressure to “pass” as women, and even after surgeries, society keeps judging us. How do you personally deal with the outside world’s expectations?
Sara: I think there was a point where I came to realise that what others judge me for, I will never achieve. I must live up to my expectations and what I am comfortable with. If I try to “pass” (a word I hate in this context), then I am pretending to be someone I am not and hiding someone I am. I realised I needed to strive to be myself, a woman with a transgender history. People need to accept and respect me for that and I will fight for that respect.
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| Cover of Gay Community News with Broden Giambrone. |
Over the years what has surprised me is the targeting by anti-trans people, especially women who comment negatively on my looks. I never claim to be a beauty, never claim to be something special, but yet they feel that is the way to target you. It's such a patriarchal and misogynistic way of treating women who are different. But I also like to see the funny side in it. In 2023, in a theatre piece I wrote and performed for Kilkenny Art Festival, I included a poem which took all the horrible things they said about me on social media and wove it into a powerful statement of ownership. It highlighted that no matter what you say, you will not penetrate my sense of who I am.
Monika: I remember the time right after my transition, it was pure euphoria. My closet is still full of dresses and shoes that I literally bought by the dozens back then, and I must have tried on hundreds. I felt like I had to make up for all those years that were taken from me. Did you feel the same way?
Sara: Oh seriously, this is me! I think all trans women experience this feeling. I definitely felt it, it’s like living your puberty again. It is also part of finding your own presentation style. You have to experiment in the same way young women would when growing up. I still have stunning dresses I bought and wore back in the early 1990s in a suitcase somewhere. I doubt I would get one leg into them or get the zip past my lower back these days, having been only 65 kgs back then. But I still wish I could. At least I have the photographs.
Monika: How would you describe your personal style? Do you follow any specific fashion trends, or do you have go-to outfits that make you feel confident?
Sara: It is an excellent question as I have pondered this many times. In more recent years I have focused on either a more professional classic look or alternatively an activist one. I tend to wear a lot of trousers and jackets. However, my style and fashion choices are more classic. I like dresses and heels, although I rarely have opportunities to wear them these days. I always feel confident in heels. They make a statement about who I am.
There are certainly clothes that make me feel good, especially my Jaeger purple dress or my Cos navy one. My work in the technical construction environment doesn’t really provide opportunities to choose more feminine styles. I always look forward to events where these opportunities are possible. I don’t tend to watch fashion styles but I do like more modern looks rather than those that are fashioned for my age group. I am not into too much pattern and prefer classic lines.
Monika: By the way, do you like being complimented on your looks? Do you find it easy to accept compliments, or do you struggle with believing them?
Sara: I’m not good at accepting compliments. In truth I privately like to hear them but find it awkward when I hear them. I am also very self-analytic and critical and continually don’t believe compliments. I think this is inherited, to be honest.
Monika: Did you ever feel pressure to meet a certain ideal of femininity, like I did by trying to look like the women around me?
Sara: I think there was always pressure to meet ideals of femininity. During my first session with a psychiatrist, they gave me a booklet about feminine deportment. I never felt I could achieve something I am not. I always wanted to feel comfortable. I never wanted to transition from someone that wasn’t me to someone who was also not me. It felt unnatural. I needed to be myself, whatever that was. There are many ways to be a woman or feminine and I felt I needed to find what I was comfortable with in my presentation.
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| "We have to stick together, support each other, batten down the hatches, and ensure we stay safe throughout." |
Monika: What was the most surprising part of your transition, something you never expected, whether good or bad?
Sara: I think there were many moments that surprised me about my transition, usually when I had a fear that something wouldn’t work out and without any issue it fell into place. I wasn’t so surprised about the changes in my physical and mental being. They were expected and I was prepared for them. I think the most surprising thing is that I am still working in the technical construction industry for a multinational.
Monika: How has love shaped your life and your journey as a transgender woman? Could you share what role love plays in your personal growth and happiness?
Sara: In a lot of ways, love has been key. The love of my family has been crucial to my happiness. I doubt I could have been the person I am today without their support. I think if they had been negative, then it would have been impossible to do the work I do on visibility.
One of my proudest moments was having my mum and daughter at the front of the Dublin Pride parade in 2018. But both my two sons, sister, brother, and father were also important to my happiness. Romantic love has been up and down over the years. I am no longer married and have had a number of relationships, but my girlfriend has been understanding of the time I spend on the work I do. She is also important in taking me away from the pressure of activism and spending time together. A small bit of love makes it all worthwhile.
Monika: Many trans women are writing their memoirs these days. Have you ever thought about writing your own book, and if so, what would its central message be?
Sara: I doubt if I will ever write my memoir. I don’t see any benefit to it. There are many memoirs of people's transitions, navigating family, healthcare, and their gender journeys. I think we don’t need mine as well. Hypothetically, if I had written it, the message would be simple: “Love your kids, love your partners, love your family; we need each other no matter what each of us is going through.”
I will concentrate on writing the stories from trans history, specifically in Ireland. There are so many stories that I want to share. I think anything I write in the future will focus on the fact that we have been here forever, many of us have navigated more onerous times, and life now has never been as good, despite the attacks, despite the negativity. We need to continue to support each other and those who support us.
Monika: Finally, what’s next for Sara? What dreams and goals are you working toward now?
Sara: Well, I have mentioned writing. I also want to sustain the archive and get it digitised and online. But most importantly, I want to spend time with my family; I now have three young grandchildren (all under three), which is exciting. From an activist point of view, I am looking forward to a more positive environment for trans people.
The current atmosphere will pass, but it will be difficult in the meantime. We have to stick together, support each other, batten down the hatches, and ensure we stay safe throughout. I hope our allies continue to stand up for us and call out the nonsense that is spoken about us. Personally, I am weighing up the options. This is currently a time of change for me, and who knows where I’ll be this time next year. No matter what, it’ll be interesting.
Monika: Sara, thank you so much for sharing your journey and insights.
END OF PART 2
All photos: courtesy of Sara R Phillips.
© 2025 - Monika Kowalska
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