Nicole Bray is an inspirational transgender woman from the USA, an independent filmmaker who is producing a documentary about her transition and her life as a woman. Her project, provisionally titled Untitled Documentary – Nicole’s Story, was born out of her own experiences and her desire to offer other transgender people the hope and reassurance she herself needed when she began her journey. After years of struggling with gender dysphoria, Nicole found the courage to come out to her wife, Lori, and was delighted to discover that their marriage could not only survive her transition but grow even stronger. Her parents, siblings, and friends have also been supportive, allowing her to embrace her authentic self while maintaining the relationships that mean so much to her.
Through her documentary, Nicole hopes to challenge the fears and misconceptions surrounding transgender people, showing that transition can be a positive experience and that love, understanding, and acceptance can make an enormous difference. Drawing on her own journey, she also wants to share practical information about coming out, finding doctors, and making important decisions during transition. A keen film enthusiast, researcher, and self-described fashionista who enjoys bright colours and ultra-feminine, classy outfits, Nicole believes that her greatest dream is to live authentically and express herself without fear. In this interview, she talks about her documentary, the importance of family support, transgender visibility in American society, and her hopes for a future in which transgender people can live with dignity, confidence, and acceptance.
Monika: Nicole, welcome, and thank you for joining me today.
Nicole: Hello, Monika! Thank you so much for taking the time to interview me and learn more about my story and the documentary I am producing.
Monika: Please say a few words about yourself.
Nicole: Sure! I am an independent filmmaker currently focusing on documenting my unique life story on film. I have found that my sense of humor is my greatest asset in making my way through the transition. I also really enjoy traveling and wish that I had endless funds to do so. Additionally, when I’m not filming movies, I love to watch them, across a range of genres. I’m also an avid researcher and spend a great deal of time educating myself about particular topics. By the way, the title of the documentary, “Untitled Documentary – Nicole’s Story”, is temporary. Once we have acquired a Director/Producer/Writer team, we will determine a fitting title for the documentary.
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| Filming her documentary. |
Monika: What message do you want “Untitled Documentary – Nicole’s Story” to leave with its audience?
Nicole: The main message that “Untitled Documentary – Nicole’s Story” will convey is that the transition journey can be positive and filled with hope. The intent of the documentary is to reduce the fear that society at large holds toward transgender people and their transition journey. If transgender individuals’ friends and families view this documentary, it is hoped that their eyes will be opened to how transgender people are just like everyone else: they have thoughts, feelings, dreams, and goals, but they also struggle with a biological condition that needs to be remedied.
Monika: That is a thought many people may never have considered. Can you explain what you mean by a biological condition?
Nicole: Many other individuals in this world also struggle with biological conditions. The only difference is what type of biological condition. Each condition needs to be addressed per the recommended treatment. The positivity and the hope will be outlined via my transition story, which overall has been pretty smooth, and is a story that will give transgender people, their friends, and their families hope that their journey could be similar.
Monika: Where did the idea of documenting your own transition come from?
Nicole: In early 2012, no longer could I bury my gender dysphoria. For years, the gender dysphoria feelings ebbed and flowed and, when it was at its worst, I found ways to suppress it by investing my time in anything that would occupy my mind, including performing magic, playing video games, and researching on the Internet. However, while these methods worked for years, gender dysphoria eventually broke through and I could not ignore it any longer. The frequency with which I researched transgender topics increased as I wanted to hear other transgender individuals’ coming out stories.
Monika: What were you hoping to find in those stories?
Nicole: I wanted to know the likelihood of me losing my wife and family. Losing everyone and everything important to me was one of my biggest fears, but I was at the point where I was willing to risk losing everything in order to finally be authentic. Unfortunately, nearly every story I read was one of loss, where their marriages ended, parents disowned them, friends abandoned them, and they also lost their jobs and homes. Reading these stories frightened me and my depression substantially increased. I knew that I desperately needed to transition, but I couldn’t bear to lose my wife. When I came out to my wife, I was extremely nervous about what her response would be, but I knew that it was now or never. I was elated when she told me that she wanted to remain by my side, support me through my transition, and remain married.
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| Nicole. |
Monika: Your wife stood by you. How did the rest of your family respond?
Nicole: My family (parents and siblings) was accepting and supportive when I came out to them as well. It was at these pivotal moments that I was inspired to put together a documentary outlining my transition journey. My plan was, and still is, to give other transgender people hope that it is possible to have your closest support network remain in your lives. I was horrified when I read the devastating stories of transgender individuals losing their loved ones when they came out. Learning of these stories put me in a really dark place to the point where I considered suicide and became increasingly depressed and moody.
Monika: Why is it so important to you to share a positive story of transition?
Nicole: If I had learned from others’ stories that it was possible to keep family and friends in your life, my mood wouldn’t have dropped as far as it did for months and months. I would like to give others the hope that I didn’t have. There are too many sad stories out there, and I would like to portray a positive one. Not only will this help transgender people, but it is also hoped that my story will help their families and friends see that relationships with the transgender individual can survive if they stick around long enough to experience the journey. Furthermore, it would be great if it helps to change the perspectives of society about transgender people.
Monika: Your story could serve as a guide for others. Which aspects of your biography might other transgender women find useful?
Nicole: I believe that nearly every aspect of my biography could be used by other transgender women. They may have to adapt portions of my journey to meet their personal experiences, but all aspects could be beneficial. A transgender woman could use everything from how I came out to my family to how I researched and chose my doctors for surgery. Plus, I plan to outline the information that I wish were available to me during my transition. While I found resources on my own, it sure would have been helpful to have this information at my fingertips. Having this information available to others will help ease the tremendous confusion that comes with making very personal decisions as one carves out their transition journey.
Monika: When can we expect the documentary to be finished?
Nicole: The finalization of the documentary is a way down the road. Currently, we are in the pre-production stages of the documentary. Next, we will engage in the production stages, including filming around the time of the surgery and post-op recovery. Production will also include interviews with family members and friends. Finally, we will engage in the post-production of the documentary, which includes editing. Therefore, it will be at least a year or so before the documentary is finalized.
Monika: When you began your transition, was there a transgender woman you could look up to?
Nicole: I didn’t have any specific transgender role models, but I did consider anyone who came out as transgender before me or transitioned before me to be a role model. I read many transgender individuals’ blogs and stories on transgender forums, and many of these increased my confidence to continue on my own transition journey.
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| Lori and Nicole. |
Monika: Coming out is never easy. What was the hardest part for you?
Nicole: The hardest thing about coming out was the incessant worry over whether or not I would lose my marriage and family. I could only guess what their responses would be. As indicated earlier, I read nothing but doom and gloom in terms of coming out to family and friends. In fact, I read that only 20% of marriages survive the transition. I find myself to be quite fortunate in that, not only has my marriage survived, but also the majority of my friends and family accept me for who I am. Furthermore, I’ve acquired new friends in the process!
Monika: A few months ago, Jared Leto received an Oscar for Best Supporting Actor for playing the transgender character Rayon in “Dallas Buyers Club”. How do you view the transgender stories and characters featured so far in films, newspapers, and books?
Nicole: I have not seen this movie yet, but I feel as if the general media, including Hollywood, still has a long way to go with accurately portraying transgender individuals’ stories. Nevertheless, there is a vast improvement in the frequency of presenting positive role models instead of stigmatizing the population via the extraordinarily horrific stories. The latter still occurs, unfortunately, which continues to add to society’s negative views. It is hoped that the recent positive exposure of transgender people is just the beginning of increased understanding and acceptance of this population.
Monika: Turning to the present, how would you describe the situation of transgender women in American society?
Nicole: It is interesting to note the increase in people coming out as being transgender in the past few years. With more transgender role models speaking out and taking on leadership roles, I believe that the younger generation will have an easier time coming out to family and friends due to the growing visibility. I think it’s great that there is more awareness of transgender women in American society, and I hope that it is sparking curiosity in people to learn more about what being transgender means. Again, I think there is a long way to go to achieve complete understanding and acceptance, but awareness is moving in the right direction.
Monika: Some see transgenderism as the new frontier for human rights. Would you agree?
Nicole: Absolutely. The fight for human rights for transgender people is already underway. You are starting to see more protections for transgender people in federal careers, primary and secondary schools implementing gender-neutral bathrooms, and some universities developing policies for housing and providing insurance coverage. This is a great start, but for every positive change, protection, or right, there seem to be five stories of a transgender person being discriminated against or being beaten. This needs to change, and it can’t change fast enough.
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| Consultation for her GCS. First time meeting Dr. McGinn. |
Monika: Politics is another arena where change happens. Are you active in it, perhaps through lobbying campaigns, and can transgender women make a difference there?
Nicole: Currently, I am not active in politics and have not participated in any lobbying campaigns. However, I do believe transgender women can make a significant difference in politics. As indicated earlier, transgender women have all the same abilities and talents as cisgender women, and cisgender men for that matter, meaning that transgender women have important ideas to contribute to creating positive change in the world regarding transgender issues and other political issues. While I may not be active in politics, I am utilizing my film-making talents to produce a perspective-changing documentary displaying transgender people in an affirmative light in order to create awareness, understanding, and positive visibility.
END OF PART 1
All photos: courtesy of Nicole Bray.
© 2014 - Monika Kowalska
