In a world often too quick to judge and too slow to understand, Kristen Aaquist stands as a gentle force of resilience and compassion. A legal secretary from Reno, Nevada, Kristen is a mother of two, a cat lover, and someone who finds joy in simple pleasures, running, beading, watching movies, and losing herself in the virtual worlds of video games. Yet beneath this quiet life lies a powerful journey of authenticity, courage, and truth. Kristen’s story, first shared publicly through The New York Times “Transgender Today” series, is a deeply personal testament to the importance of visibility and education. With calm determination, she has stepped into advocacy, believing that by sharing her own life, she can help others see that transgender people are, at their core, just people, human, vulnerable, and deserving of dignity. Her transition, like so many others, came with both gains and losses. Kristen found unwavering support from her children and immediate family, even as she faced the painful unraveling of her marriage.
Through it all, she remained steadfast in her belief that coming out, though difficult, was essential, not only for herself, but for others walking a similar path. Kristen draws inspiration from figures like Laverne Cox, Janet Mock, and Jazz Jennings, yet her activism is very much her own: local, grounded, and heartfelt. Whether working with the Transgender Allies Group or supporting PFLAG, she is committed to creating safer, more inclusive spaces for transgender individuals in her community. She is not a fashionista nor a pageant fan, but she is, unmistakably, a woman of quiet substance, more interested in truth than glamour, more drawn to connection than applause. What matters most to her? The unconditional love of her children, the value of being true to herself, and the hope that future generations won’t have to struggle for the acceptance she had to fight for. Kristen may not see herself as extraordinary, but through her honesty, empathy, and quiet strength, she has become exactly that. It is with heartfelt admiration that I welcome Kristen to this conversation.
Monika: Today, it’s both a pleasure and an honor to welcome Kristen Aaquist, a legal secretary from Reno, Nevada. Kristen, thank you for joining me!
Kristen: Hello Monika, and thank you.
Monika: Let’s begin with a little introduction. How would you describe yourself in a few words?
Kristen: I’m a mother of two. I have a cat. I enjoy running, beading, watching movies, and playing video games.
Monika: I came across your powerful short story in The New York Times series “Transgender Today.” What inspired you to share your story with the public?
Kristen: As I’ve gotten more comfortable being myself, I have found myself wanting to be more outspoken and try to help educate the public about the trans community, which includes humanizing us to the rest of society. By telling our stories, we can show everyone that we are truly just like everyone else.
Monika: Coming out as transgender often comes with immense personal cost, many women lose relationships, careers, and their sense of belonging in communities. Did you experience this kind of loss during your journey? What made your coming out especially difficult?
Kristen: I think the hardest thing about coming out was taking the chance at losing family and friends. In some cases, I got really lucky. My parents, my brother, and my kids have stayed by my side. Most of my friends have as well. Unfortunately, my spouse couldn’t cope with the changes, and neither could her kids, so we divorced and I don’t really have contact with them anymore. That was heartbreaking, and it took time to accept that not everyone would stay in my life.
Monika: And how did your professional life change after coming out? Were there moments when you feared losing your job or facing discrimination?
Kristen: My job was always relatively safe, as the laws in my state protect employees from gender identity discrimination. Still, every time I came out to someone new, I was taking a chance that a person I valued in my life would no longer be there. It’s always hard to start that conversation because you never know how someone will react. I’ve had people who I viewed as very conservative and religious be totally accepting, and I’ve lost people who were always very open-minded and liberal. Coming out is a very stressful time. Each conversation felt like walking a tightrope between hope and heartbreak.
Monika: When you first began your transition, did you have anyone to look up to, public figures, activists, or even people in your local community who inspired or guided you?
Kristen: No. In the beginning, I didn’t even really know what transgender meant. Coming to that realization was a shock and a relief, but I didn’t really look for people and what they had done. I was more focused on what I could do about that nagging distress that I finally had an answer for.
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| Janet Mock's memoir. |
Monika: Are there any transgender women today whom you particularly admire or look up to?
Kristen: There are some. Laverne Cox in particular. I got the chance to hear her speak in my town, and she is incredible! Janet Mock and everything she’s been through is quite an inspiration. Jazz Jennings as well. I watched some of her shows, and she has a wonderful family behind her. There are others that I admire for what they have done, but those are the names that come to me most readily.
Monika: In recent years, more transgender women are gaining visibility, as models, performers, writers, scientists, and even politicians. Laverne Cox famously said, “Trans is beautiful.” Do you believe this marks a real shift in society, or are we only seeing surface-level progress?
Kristen: Change is starting to happen, but it’s nowhere near where it should be. Most of the country still lacks basic protections for trans people. How can we expect trans people to ever be successful in a society when we can be fired for no other reason than we exist? Or denied housing and medical care? Or even basic survival in a world where trans women of color are still being murdered at an alarming rate. The stubborn ignorance throughout this country and the rest of the world is very disheartening.
Monika: Within the broader LGBTQ+ movement, do you feel that the transgender community is given equal space to advocate for its specific needs and rights?
Kristen: In some cases, yes, but in others, no. There are some in the LGB community that want to shed the T because of the increased backlash that they see happening right now. They seem to believe that they could further their own needs much more easily if they aren’t dealing with the gender issues at the same time. Others are more welcoming and appreciative of the efforts of trans people over the years in furthering the fight for gay rights. However, trans people are going to have a much easier time getting the necessary protections if we have allies boosting our message.
Monika: When you look at the representation of trans people in mainstream media, films, TV shows, books, or news, what’s your take on how far we've come?
Kristen: I think we are finally getting positive portrayals of trans people in some cases. Our stories aren’t always put out as stereotypes anymore. While those still exist and we are still far too often being played as plot devices or villains, we are getting actual, solid characters in some areas. Laverne Cox on Orange Is the New Black and some of her other projects, Sense8’s Nomi Marks, and Ricky Jones in Boy Meets Girl all show a more complete human being rather than existing just to have a trans character being transgender.
Monika: Are you involved in any form of advocacy or lobbying work? In your view, can trans women make a real impact in politics?
Kristen: Sort of, and yes. I actually advocate with a local group that was active in lobbying during our past legislative session. While I was not able to be personally involved, the Transgender Allies Group was very active and helped pass very beneficial laws in our state this year, adding further protections for trans people. By carefully fostering positive relationships with our legislators and helping them understand the humanity of trans people and why we need what we do, we have been able to build allies within the Nevada Legislature.
Monika: Do you think we’ll ever see a transgender woman serve as President of the United States, or at least become First Lady?
Kristen: It’s possible, but I think we have a lot of work to do before a trans candidate would be appealing to a large enough part of society, or at least the candidate’s trans status to not be considered detrimental.
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| "Change is starting to happen, but it’s nowhere near where it should be. Most of the country still lacks basic protections for trans people." |
Monika: Are you into fashion at all? What kinds of outfits do you usually gravitate toward? Any favorite brands, colors, or styles?
Kristen: I’m not really into fashion. I wear what I find comfortable. Typically that’s shorts and tanks for the hot days and jeans/shirts in the cold. I’ll break out dresses when I feel like it as well, but I’m not overly picky about my clothes.
Monika: What’s your take on transgender beauty pageants?
Kristen: Same thing I think about other beauty pageants: not my thing at all. They come off as focusing on superficial characteristics with a side note of talent and thought. I have nothing against those that participate and sometimes they can use that position to advocate for change, but it seems most of the focus is on what they look like.
Monika: Many transgender women end up writing memoirs about their journeys. Have you ever considered writing one yourself?
Kristen: Yeah, but I lack the drive and interest to focus on it.
Monika: How important is love in your life right now?
Kristen: Romantically, very little. I’m not looking to date anyone in the near future. It’s better that way. I wouldn’t be here without the supportive love of my family, especially my children though. They are everything to me.
Monika: Are there any current projects or initiatives you're working on?
Kristen: Not really. I’m focusing on expanding what the Transgender Allies Group can offer to medical and behavioral health professionals in a couple ways and our ongoing efforts to provide education to the general public on various trans issues. I also work with the local PFLAG group to provide support to anyone connected to the LGBTQ community.
Monika: What advice would you give to transgender girls who are struggling with gender dysphoria?
Kristen: Find people who support you. Don’t compare yourself to other people and think you are failing at something for not looking or sounding like someone else. The most important thing you can do is to be yourself and be the best you that you can be. It’s not always going to be easy, but it can be the best thing you ever do for yourself.
Monika: My pen friend Gina Grahame once told me that we shouldn’t limit our potential based on how we were born, or by comparing ourselves to what other trans women are doing. She said our dreams shouldn’t end on an operating table; that’s where they begin. Would you agree?
Kristen: I would agree with a modification. We should not hold it against ourselves that we are trans and maybe aren’t in the same place as other people. However, our dreams, our options, and our potential shouldn’t be focused on the operating table at all. Each person is worthy of and deserves dignity and respect. Period. Transition options are there to help you be more comfortable within yourself and should not be the basis of worth or potential.
Monika: Kristen, thank you so much for the interview!
All the photos: courtesy of Kristen Aaquist.
© 2017 - Monika Kowalska
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