Alison: Hello Monika! Thank you for having me!
Monika: You are a woman of many talents. Could you say a few words about yourself?
Alison: Yeah certainly! Let’s see. Well, I love to try new things when I get that passionate interest peaking. It’s how I ended up in modeling, film, fashion studies, and ballet. One day, I asked my friend to do a photoshoot with me and that blossomed into a dream come true with modeling. I’ve been published four times and participated in several runway events.
In fact, at the end of my first year in 2019, I was chosen to walk the runway in Los Angeles for the Equality Fashion Week. Had the time of my life! And with the confidence I gained in front of the camera and on stage, I moved to try my hand at writing a film and subsequently acting and directing it as well. And since then, I moved to Toronto to study fashion management at George Brown College and recreationally train in the Royal Academy of Dance classical ballet program.
Monika: "Forever Changed" portrays the inner struggle of a transgender woman going through a transition as she begins to explore the outside world and how she fits in society. What inspired you to write, direct, and produce the movie?
Alison: Well, I wanted to create a story that showed a real message to the audience about the trans experience. Something raw and powerful with a lasting impression. I just find that a lot of trans portrayals in film these days focus on the transition itself as opposed to the reality of social interaction. And the euphoria and danger that can simultaneously exist.
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| "I wanted to create a story that showed a real message to the audience about the trans experience." Link to "Forever Changed". |
I wanted to show that a trans woman existing in the world outside of her home was both wondrous and extremely treacherous. And the constant internal battle of those emotions and wanting to live your truth. In the end, I wanted to showcase the dangerous reality that exists for trans women and that the world still does not completely accept us.
Monika: Are you working on any new film now?
Alison: Not really no. With the state of everything, I’m not rushing any new projects. And my focus has been on my studies and dance. However, I have started writing a new script that I am very excited about. It will be written as a feature length and my goal would be to pitch it to a professional production company once finished. But I am taking my time developing it.
Monika: How did you develop your interest in ballet?
Alison: Well I’ve always loved classical music. And three years ago, I was looking for a way to get into better physical health so I chose ballet barre fitness. I was extremely nervous in the first class because I felt like I wouldn’t fit in and didn’t know anything about technique or terminology. But my friend did it with me in the first class and then after that, I fell in love with the atmosphere of ballet. My studio was so supportive and respectful towards people of all demographics that I felt safe as a trans woman in that space. So I guess that aspect allowed me to really relax and enjoy fitness.
After a while of learning the basic ballet barre movements, I realized I loved how ballet spoke to my heart. The elegance and structure combined were perfect. I had done technical sports like speed skating and golf before, so I appreciated the technical and physical aspects of ballet. And that drive to succeed and push my physical self-motivated me to train in a more specialized program in Toronto where I’m learning classical technique and choreography. And I just started pointe work! Such a momentous day!
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| "As for coming out, the hardest thing was telling my parents." |
Monika: The fashion industry seems to be more and more inclusive of transgender women. Do you think you can take advantage of this?
Alison: I think there is definitely a market growing for trans women in the fashion industry. I think it’s often related to our life struggles and that we can inspire others, cis or trans, to go for their dreams. Trans women offer the world this view of harmony I think because we often know a lot about “the other side” of the gender spectrum. And I think other people gravitate towards us because of our perspective. I feel that the way of the future in fashion is respect, understanding, and inspiration. Trans women, trans men, and non-binary people personify those qualities so they are more sought after as time goes on.
For me personally, I think that my future career in public relations and marketing can be bolstered by this perspective for sure! The key to that type of career is often knowing your market. As a woman who has experienced so many perspectives due to transition and even career changes, I already have such a wide range to better understand the market.
Monika: Do you get many questions from your social media followers? What do they ask for?
Alison: I get some reaching out privately some time, yes. But I also try to give them a space to ask their questions through interactive stories. For example, I recently asked my followers what sort of topics they’d like me to discuss in upcoming videos. The topics ranged from being trans in sport to relationships to general political debates. I try to be very open and honest with my followers so that I hopefully answer their questions before they’ve even asked me.
I think a lot of people follow me for my experience and perspective on life’s challenges related to transitioning. I’m obviously only an expert to my own experience, but that seems to resonate with others who are still looking to find themselves in the haze of pre-transition and then during as well.
Monika: We all pay the highest price for the fulfillment of our dreams to be ourselves. As a result, we lose our families, friends, jobs, and social positions. Did you pay such a high price as well? What was the hardest thing about your coming out?
Alison: Thankfully my family, friends, and workplace were very supportive when I first came out. But with transition, I became such a different and better version of myself that I drifted away from a lot of my old friends and subsequently my engineering career. I began to see what truly mattered. Where a lot of my pre-transition friends were cis and hetero men, I now find myself surrounded more by women and gay men for example. And just generally people who have struggled with their own journeys like with mental health for example. I feel more drawn to people who know themselves and reflect on their lives. I think there’s mutual respect from knowing that we both have endured hardships.
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| "It’s so important to love yourself." Photo: @arsenicnoir.photography |
Secondly, it was the change of career. It wasn’t a “price” I paid for transition because my work was very supportive, but I realized I needed a change in profession and atmosphere to truly love my work and feel fulfilled. So that reflection had me leave the engineering world to pursue my career in fashion and the arts. It’s scary at times for sure having switched career paths because engineering was stable, but I was not happy in that industry. And to me, happiness and passion are everything.
As for coming out, the hardest thing was telling my parents I think. I have a great relationship with my parents, but prior to telling them, I don’t think I had ever had such a vulnerable moment with them. I had to do it over video chat because we lived across the country from each other, but I was incredibly nervous. To tell them that how they knew me was partially incorrect. It made me feel like I was letting them down. Like I wasn’t who they thought I was. When the moment came, I did my best to just straight up tell them and their first reaction was partly contemplation and partly sad I think. I remember my mom was very emotional at first because her “baby boy” was not actually a boy. It broke my heart to tell them. But I am so glad they were supportive and remain so today. My dad took the comprehension route just trying to understand what I meant. So the experience, while personally difficult due to the magnitude of emotions, was very positive.
Monika: Are you satisfied with the effects of the hormone treatment?
Alison: For the most part, yes. The parts of myself that give me the most dysphoria are ones that hormones don’t really affect. I have large feet for example. Or some of the bone structure in my face. But I don’t think I’ll ever get excessive facial feminization surgeries. Partly because it’s expensive, but also because I believe it’s important to learn to love yourself as much as you can. That being said, I don’t love my feet being so long because shoes are really difficult to find, and I often have to order online or accept that most brands won’t manufacture my size. Otherwise, I have loved the skin-softening and muscle/fat changes, and lighter hair.
Monika: We are said to be prisoners of passing or non-passing syndrome. Although cosmetic surgeries help to overcome it, we will always be judged accordingly. How can we cope with this?
Alison: This kind of ties into my previous answer. It’s so important to love yourself for both your strengths and your self-perceived faults. And that includes physically. Part of this is just positive self-esteem. I am much more confident in my looks now I think mostly because I try to focus on the positives like my collarbone and accentuating those features. When you feel good about those, your confidence will soar and look past the parts you may not like or cause dysphoria.
I think that’s the key to feeling better in public: accentuating your favorite qualities. Personal fashion stylists for example can be such an asset to finding that confidence. They can show you how to look and feel your best. Then the whole “passing” goal might just fade away. Why? Because you’ll feel so awesome and be strutting your stuff down the sidewalk.
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| "I am much more confident in my looks now." |
Monika: Are there any transgender role models that you follow or followed?
Alison: Oh for sure! You actually interviewed one of my role models, Claire Michelle. She was an early inspiration for me and her videos on modeling are what helped me get the confidence to try modeling myself. And that makes me smile because if she could do that for me, I can only hope that my visibility and work shown has helped inspire other trans women to follow their dreams too.
As for celebrities, I was drawn to Jamie Clayton back when she played Nomi on the Netflix Series, Sense8. And since then, she’s just been so solid as a role model for other trans women. She’s classy and elegant, but also real and genuine.
END OF PART 1
All the photos: courtesy of Alison Ashdown.
© 2021 - Monika Kowalska
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