Monika: Bucharest, the capital of Romania, is our next destination and this is where my lovely guest lives. Daria Jane is a Romanian transgender activist, model, dancer, vlogger, social media celebrity, and the author of "Sex-Schimbare. Putere. Identitate" (Sex-Change. Power. Identity), published in 2021. Hello Daria! Thank you so much for accepting my invitation!
Daria: Thank you so much for inviting me here, Monika!
Monika: Could you say a few words about yourself?
Daria: I’m really bad at describing myself, although I can emphasize that I’m attracted to the unknown. I love finding out new things, exploring the world, and seeing the beauty in places where human hatred didn’t yet make any change.
Monika: Many of us live the lives of wives, mothers, and daughters, trying to forget about our male past. You have decided to be an advocate of transgender rights and be vocal about our positive image in society. Have you ever felt the temptation of being in the closet, being a woman rather than a “transgender woman”?
Daria: Wow, that was a tough one, haha. Actually, I did. I wanted to educate Romanian society in regards to trans identities and by doing that I ended up being associated with the transgender movement a lot. It got so far that unfortunately, everything I post online gets a lot of backlashes only because I’m trans. It’s quite disappointing, I won’t lie, but it is what it is. On the other hand, I wouldn’t have liked to live in the closet either. This is who I am.
Monika: When preparing for this interview, I was searching for some information about the Romanian transgender community, and it was difficult for me to find transgender women that could promote transgender rights as much as you do. Because of your visibility in the Romanian media, you have become an example for other transgender girls and women in Romania. Do you feel it is a burden or obligation towards other trans sisters?
Daria: I don’t regard it as an obligation or a burden, but I also reinforce that I’m not supposed to be a role model. I hate to be seen this way. The work I invested in educating people is only because I genuinely wanted to see the world a better place. I didn't move mountains, but at least there are some people who felt comfort in watching my videos - and for that I’m thankful.
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| "The work I invested in educating people is only because I genuinely wanted to see the world a better place." |
Monika: How do you come up with ideas for your videos?
Daria: I mostly rely on what’s happening in the world, sometimes it’s really spontaneous.
Monika: What inspired you to publish "Sex-Schimbare. Putere. Identitate" (2021)?
Daria: That book was inspired by women, both trans or cis. I felt like writing down my thoughts and my transition experiences in hopes that it would help other people open their minds. What I’m really proud of is that my mother loved it, and that is truly all that matters to me.
Monika: Which aspects of your story could be useful for other transgender women and girls?
Daria: My FFS journey for sure, emphasizing that it’s always better to do it later and good than sooner and bad.
Monika: What do you think about the present situation of transgender women in your country?
Daria: There is a slight progress in how people perceive trans women in Romania. Now, I can’t say it’s enough, there’s still a lot of transphobia and somehow the conservative mindsets from the USA have their promoters here, but I try to not get too emotionally involved. I’ve seen from an early age how mean and cruel people can be, especially when they can’t understand something.
Monika: You have almost 16 thousand followers on your Instagram. Why did you decide to share your intimate life moments on social media?
Daria: It’s even sadder that I had 53 thousand before Instagram disabled my longtime account. I lost great memories that will probably never resurface. In regards to sharing intimate life moments, I love freedom. I believe in authenticity and living true to who you are, so I share my truth online.
Monika: Do you get many questions from your social media followers? What do they ask for?
Daria: I do, most of them are transition related. I get all kinds of questions but unfortunately, I don’t get to answer every one of them.
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| "After years of transition, I realized that I don’t even have to blend in." |
Daria: That’s exactly what it was. I was into gymnastics and ballet when I was a child and that allowed me to explore my femininity.
Monika: Haha, your answer has immediately triggered the image of Nadia Comăneci in my mind, a Romanian gymnast legend, and a five-time Olympic gold medalist. You did not want to become a professional gymnast?
Daria: Right, I definitely did. In fact, boys were not allowed to do gymnastics when I was 8 years old, they had their “male” type of gymnastics, which didn’t involve grace and flexibility. I begged my mother to take me to the girls' one, and my mother took me only because she knew I wouldn’t be accepted.
The joke’s on her though because when my former trainer saw my flexibility she decided to go against the rules - which made me the only “boy” in the girls' gymnastics team at that time. It’s even funnier because we also went to the place Nadia used to train back years ago. In my country I was known then as the “most flexible boy in the country” and I always got first place in national contests.
Monika: Do you remember the first time you saw a transgender woman on TV or met anyone transgender in person that opened your eyes and allowed you to realize who you are?
Daria: Yes, that was Gigi Gorgeous online. It was her who actually opened my eyes about my own trans identity because back then at 15 I didn’t know what to call it. It just clicked for me and because of that, I’m very thankful because I was able to start my transition from a relatively young age (17 years).
Monika: Did you have any transgender sisters around you that supported you during the transition?
Daria: I did, I was close to other trans women from Romania during those rough days. I was severely bullied in high school and my friends and mother had my back.
Monika: We all pay the highest price for the fulfillment of our dreams to be ourselves. As a result, we lose our families, friends, jobs, and social positions. Did you pay such a high price as well? What was the hardest thing about your coming out?
Daria: Fortunately I can’t say I lost something, apart from a lot of money because the transition is more expensive than it seems. I did however experience bullying and the constant feeling of being an outsider. It made me feel so different from the people around me. I used to feel bad about it, I wanted to blend in so badly. After years of transition, I realized that I don’t even have to. Most people focus only on appearances anyway, and every person is unique in their own way.
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| "I think we like to see the beauty in other people more than we see in ourselves." |
Daria: Thank you! I don’t see myself as ultra-feminine though. The male hormones at puberty did make their presence felt for sure, but that’s just a part of me now - forever.
I think what changed me the most was SRS in terms of hormones. It’s a clear shift between pre-op and post-op, I am way more emotional, more connected to my feminine side if that makes any sense (yet this is a personal experience, and not anyone has to go through what I went through).
Monika: I help a couple of transgender girls and I am a bit jealous about one thing, namely, parental support. They often come to me with their mothers and most questions are asked by mothers. I will never forget when I was having my SRS in Thailand and in the hospital I could see many young girls waiting for the operation and being accompanied by their mothers. I wish I could have had such support myself. You had such support from your mother.
Daria: Wow, that is sad to hear. I totally feel where you’re coming from. I will never take the support I had from my mother for granted. I don’t know if I would’ve made it through had it not been for her. In Thailand I had a crazy complication with the urinary catheter, they had to re-insert it and I ended up staying there for 37 days. She was the difference between life and death for me there.
Monika: 37 days? That is a lot! I am so sorry for you. Catheter and dilation were the worst experiences for me. How did you kill the time? Did you make any friends with other patients?
Daria: Unfortunately I didn’t. I only talked briefly with another young girl from England that happened to be there at the same time, but she didn’t have any complications and left Thailand pretty quickly. To be honest, I killed the time by eating a lot. My mom was going out every day to buy me what I was craving.
Monika: Did you have a chance to do some sightseeing? Did you like the country?
Daria: I did in the early days, before the surgery. I loved Thailand and can’t wait to go back for exploring it further.
Monika: Have you ever thought about taking part in the Miss International Queen, the most famous beauty pageant for trans ladies from the whole world, held in Thailand every year?
Daria: Yes, I did think about it once and I quickly woke up. First of all, I don’t consider myself as beautiful as those ladies (and when I say “beautiful” I only mean what society tends to consider beautiful, the norms).
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| "Make-up is my passion. It made me more confident and it always meant something to me." |
Monika: Hey, you are being very modest. I am sure you would have a chance!
Do you remember the moment when you came out to your mother? Was she surprised?
Daria: Haha yes, actually it was a rollercoaster. I came out as bisexual when I was 14, then I told her I was gay and eventually I told her I’m a trans woman. I was so scared to call it what it is from the very beginning. She was definitely surprised, she wanted to have a boy ever since she was in high school. She didn’t even know what trans actually means. She went to therapy to learn how to deal with this situation and how to support me. I will always be thankful for that - even when she didn’t understand, she still wanted to be there for me. She gave me a very good example of what being a parent is.
Monika: You look like one million dollars, so this question may not be relevant to you. We are said to be prisoners of passing or non-passing syndrome. Although cosmetic surgeries help to overcome it, we will always be judged accordingly. How can we cope with this?
Daria: You’re so kind, Monika! I think we like to see the beauty in other people more than we see in ourselves, because I too struggled with the fear of passing. Not even surgeries helped me get over this fear, it was meditation. I reflected a lot on how I see myself and I kept telling myself I don’t have to be a cisgender woman.
There’s no problem with “looking trans”, even though society is always quick to tell us that as an insult. I can’t deny surgeries are important to make our exterior match our interior - and while doing that they also help other people see our authentic self better - but beauty really comes from confidence and happiness. I learned it after a lot of cosmetic surgeries.
Monika: For me, FFS was a life-changing operation that allowed me to tackle my gender dysphoria. I am just curious about your own experiences. When we contemplate facial feminization surgery we always face two options: to undergo extremely deep changes to be feminine and beautiful or light changes to be feminine but preserve something from our character. Is there any third option?
Daria: I feel the same way about mine. SRS was indeed the most important change in my case. FFS was the second and it was a rollercoaster in my case. I went to a plastic surgeon in my country that claimed he was an FFS specialist, but I ended up having very conservative changes. I went to him for my forehead twice, for example - and eventually, I went to FacialTeam for a type 3 browbone shaving, which is what I needed from the very beginning.
I also had 3 rhinoplasties. You can only imagine the stress I was under when seeing I have invested so much time, money, and pain for an unsatisfactory result. So to answer your question: I don’t think there’s a third option. Had I turned back in time, I would’ve gone for the deep changes from the very start.
Monika: What kind of outfits do you usually wear? Any special fashion designs, colors, or trends?
Daria: I don’t really like trends and I rarely wear what most people wear. I love the vintage-elegant style, although I don’t dress this way as much as I’d love to.
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| "My mother gave me a very good example of what being a parent is." |
Daria: I do, make-up is my passion. It made me more confident and it always meant something to me.
Monika: Haha, I always say that red lipstick is my best friend. I remember copying my sister and mother first, and later other women, trying to look 100% feminine, and my cis female friends used to joke that I try to be a woman that does not exist in reality. Did you experience the same?
Daria: I think I had the opposite experience. I was very flamboyant, going with 13cm heels to school, fake nails and lashes, and red lips at 8 am. This is the way I wanted to express my femininity back then and people were trying to tell me I don’t have to do that for “being a woman”.
Little did they know I didn't do that for being a woman, but to make up for the time lost when I was supposed to act like a boy. I still like being extra though, it’s part of who I am.
Monika: By the way, do you like being complimented on your looks?
Daria: I appreciate it, but I appreciate it even more when people understand what I’m saying.
Monika: Could you tell me about the importance of love in your life?
Daria: Love should be important for everyone. I love my mother, my boyfriend, and my friends, and I’m very lucky to be loved as well.
Monika: What would you recommend to all transgender girls and women that are afraid of transition?
Daria: I recommend that you take your time and focus on your well-being. Your feelings matter. You are the main character in your story. Don’t settle for less than you deserve and don’t do things in your transition only because other people want you to. Stay true to who you are and please always remember to love yourself - not the changes that you had, not only after you finish your transition - but love every single step of the way. It’s your journey, trust the process!
Monika: My pen-friend Gina Grahame wrote to me once that we should not limit our potential because of how we were born or by what we see other transgender people doing. Our dreams should not end on an operating table; that’s where they begin. Do you agree with this?
Daria: Wholeheartedly. It’s so easy to focus on your dreams when you are comfortable with yourself, so it truly feels like we’re living two lives - pre-transition and post-transition. The second one is amazing in spite of the hardships.
Monika: Daria, it was a pleasure to interview you. Thanks a lot!
Daria: Thank you too for offering me the chance to talk to you today! I wish you the best!
All the photos: courtesy of Daria Jane.
© 2023 - Monika Kowalska
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