Monika: Can you explore how the concept of passing interacts with authenticity and the broader trans experience?
Alicia: As trans women and men, we are often understood within the binary of male and female. Yet as a community, I believe we grow, and we allow the world around us to grow, the more we move away from gender being conceptualized strictly as a binary. There are trans people who do not want to medically transition, some who will never have the means, and others who take incremental steps toward authenticity, regardless of how that expression fits within the binary.
Monika: So if passing isn’t the end goal, what does it mean to truly find freedom in being yourself?
Alicia: To me, passing is an outward validation of how we fit into that binary. I am happiest when I feel validated, when I pass, and yet I hope that is not our ultimate goal. If I am honest, this is an uncomfortable place for us as a community, because many trans people who come out later in life will never pass. I have had to sit with that discomfort, to take my trans sister’s hand when she is struggling in her expression, and to be willing to listen. When I do, I hear the pain of what it is like to move through the world being misgendered daily, and to feel that it may never change. It is heartbreaking. We are not free until all of us are free.
Monika: Choosing a name is such a deeply personal decision, one that can hold layers of significance and meaning. How did you come to choose the name Alicia? Does it carry a special resonance for you, perhaps representing a part of your journey or embodying a particular feeling or aspiration?
Alicia: I was very close to my grandmother. Her full name was Margaret Alicia Sainz. My middle name was always Sainz, but I loved her middle name, Alicia, so I chose it as my first name. I had a wonderful relationship with my grandparents. My grandfather took me to sporting events, which is one of the reasons I still love sports today, so I am grateful to carry his last name as my middle name.
My grandmother was always lovely in her clothing choices, she was an exceptional cook, and she was a giver. There was a gentleness paired with a firmness that she carried, feminine without being overtly effeminate, and I think that is what I internalized most from her on my journey.
Monika: When you came out, did your mother embrace you as her daughter? And do you feel any connection to her in the way you look, carry yourself, or even in your style and mannerisms?
Alicia: My mother has struggled with my transition. We have not spoken in nearly a year, and even then it was limited to pleasantries. The last time I saw her was in February of 2022, a little less than a year into my transition, and I was not fully out. She would not address me as Alicia.
There was a part of me that was willing, at least temporarily, to accept being called “honey” or “kid,” but she could not even do that. As a result, I have had to set boundaries and allow the relationship to find its own path. That said, I do see mannerisms and a sense of style that I carry from her. I love the way my mother wears her hair up and that she has never colored it. I am often complimented on my gray streaks, and I love wearing my hair up as well, it gives me a sense of chic matronliness.
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| "To me, passing is an outward validation of how we fit into that binary." |
Alicia: There used to be a club in Los Angeles called the Queen Mary. I had heard about it through ads in a musicians’ magazine I picked up. They hosted a very popular drag show in the front room of the club, but there was a back dance room where all the trans women would gather.
I was doing a lot of late-night gigs as a guitarist back then, and afterward I would drive to the Queen Mary and spend time in that back room. I was in awe. The women were beautiful, classy, and seemingly untouchable. I could not bring myself to talk with them, choosing instead to admire them from afar.
Interestingly, during my initial transition I had a few friends who spent nearly every Saturday night at the club, and it became my hangout as well. The club is no longer there, and it makes me sad that there are fewer and fewer places where trans people can simply gather, exist, and build community.
Monika: Your writing talks openly about accountability and the ways pain spills onto loved ones. Was that the hardest part to put on the page?
Alicia: Absolutely. Secrets and shame. I acted out a great deal of my discomfort in my own skin through sex. Having never allowed myself a true awareness of my own sexuality, sexual encounters, whether with men or women, became a form of relief during my marriage.
I had no understanding of what was really happening within me, but I was lying constantly and hiding an entire aspect of myself. Riddled with guilt and lacking any sense of self-esteem, I began to view my sexual behavior as an addiction. After attending 12-step meetings for a few months, I shared what I believed was a compulsion with my wife. It was devastating for her and created an enormous amount of tension in our marriage and in how we parented our children.
We became deeply involved in the 12-step program, and to this day I credit it with much of my self-awareness. However, it never helped me get to the root of my struggle. A therapist I later worked with suggested a book that changed my life, Dr. Chris Donaghue’s Sex Outside the Lines: Authentic Sexuality in a Sexually Dysfunctional Culture. Reading that book was my first step toward building a positive sense of self-regard.
Monika: Music has been with you since you were six.
Alicia: Actually, even before that. My father was a musician, he played trumpet, piano, and guitar. Music was constant in my head as a child. I would sit and listen to the Beatles for hours, dreaming that I was part of the band, singing all the lead vocals and harmonies.
When I was four years old, my father would take me to certain gigs, prop me up on a milk crate, and have me sing with the band. I tried playing the trumpet in elementary school, but there were kids in our neighborhood who were learning guitar. My father knew a wonderful guitar teacher named Rosemary Granite in the neighboring town of Whittier. He arranged group lessons for all of us kids. Eventually the others dropped out, but I stayed with it. I began playing in my father’s casual band when I was 13. I later majored in guitar performance in college and have spent much of the last 60-plus years, on and off, as a professional musician.
Monika: You’ve spent your life educating others. What did transitioning teach you that no degree ever could?
Alicia: Oh my. Living life authentically is the greatest teacher anyone could ever have. Choosing to live honestly and openly has changed everything for me. It has deepened my compassion for other people’s journeys, whatever they may be. It has taught me to advocate for the marginalized, to truly see others, to listen, and to hear their stories.
It has given me a profound understanding of loss and the joy of being found. It has taught me to celebrate our differences and to work toward building coalitions that create space for our trans and non-binary community.
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| "I am Latinx, and I am proud." |
Alicia: I did not realize just how isolated I was within a conservative Latino mindset. In my experience, there was family and God, in that order, and very little room for exceptions. Questioning one’s gender within traditional Latino culture is simply not done.
As a counselor working with adolescents, I had students tell me that their parents were giving them ultimatums. If they continued to believe they were gay or transgender, they would be thrown out of the house or threatened with deportation. These were middle school students. There is so much discussion in the United States about parental rights and being informed if a child comes out as gay or transgender, yet we rarely talk about the abuse and outright hatred children can experience when parents reject their sexual orientation or gender expression, especially within Latino culture. I am not sure that qualifies as a gentle clash.
Monika: And where do you feel that culture and gender finally hug it out?
Alicia: I do not think I have ever felt more connected to my culture than I do now. Developing a positive sense of self-regard required embracing a culture I was once told to set aside. My mother taught me that I was an American of Mexican descent. As I have stepped more fully into my authenticity, a cultural shift has occurred. I am Latinx, and I am proud.
Monika: How do the legacies of queer icons and authors influence the way you carry your culture and community forward?
Alicia: I have learned about queer icons like Frida Kahlo and Sylvia Rivera. I am sustained by queer authors such as Paola Ramos and Carmen Maria Machado. Their legacy is something I carry with me into every space where I represent my trans and non-binary community.
Monika: I remember the time right after my transition, it was pure euphoria. My closet is still full of dresses and shoes that I literally bought by the dozens back then, and I must have tried on hundreds. I felt like I had to make up for all those years that were taken from me. Did you feel the same way?
Alicia: No doubt. First of all, having the means mattered, and I am deeply grateful for that. There was definitely a period where I had to try on everything under the sun, even if it was not quite appropriate for a 62-year-old woman, lol. I am incredibly grateful to the Los Angeles LGBT Center. I have attended two Queerceneras, three senior proms, and a host of other events that allowed me to live my best life wearing some of the most fabulous dresses and shoes imaginable.
My body has changed so much since I first began my transition, especially after my most recent surgery. I am continually navigating what works for my body and I love challenging boundaries when it comes to fashion. One of my closest friends, whose sense of style I have always admired, complimented me recently by saying I had become a true fashionista in her eyes.
Monika: How would you describe your personal style? Do you follow any specific fashion trends, or do you have go-to outfits that make you feel confident?
Alicia: It has definitely evolved. There was a great deal of exploration when I first started my transition. I have fairly broad shoulders, a long torso, and shorter legs, though I am close to 5’9”. I learned to find clothes that visually soften my shoulders and create a higher waistline to accentuate longer legs. I do have hips, which is not always the case for trans women who transition later in life, so I tend to build from there.
Monika: Did learning makeup and styling change the way you feel about yourself?
Alicia: Absolutely. Before I began my transition, I took makeup lessons. Berenz, a makeup artist and hairstylist, taught me how to find my foundation, use brushes and sponges properly, and understand the concept of building a face. There is nothing quite like feeling beautiful and confident. I also have the unique privilege of seeing myself on livestream every Sunday as a member of my church choir. It gives me a real-time check on whether an outfit truly works. What I think kills it when I leave the house can send a very different message when I see myself on YouTube.
Finally, I have an incredible group of women I consider friends, many of whom work in design and fashion, so there is never a shortage of honest feedback.
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| "I began playing in my father’s casual band when I was 13." |
Monika: By the way, do you like being complimented on your looks? Do you find it easy to accept compliments, or do you struggle with believing them?
Alicia: I think that comes from building a positive sense of self-regard. I was never very good at accepting compliments, but I am learning that there is an inward feeling that can radiate one’s beauty. When I feel that internally, I trust it. If I feel it inside, then I wear it outwardly. When a compliment comes from that place, it is not difficult to believe it is genuine and respond with a smile and a thank you.
Monika: Did you ever feel pressure to meet a certain ideal of femininity, like I did by trying to look like the women around me?
Alicia: I would be lying if I said no. Those images are everywhere, on television, in films, across social media, the list is endless. You would have to live under a rock not to feel their influence. It definitely tapped into my dysphoria. One question I wrestled with was whether or not I should pursue facial feminization surgery. I ultimately chose not to.
As I began studying women more closely, I saw how wide the spectrum truly is. Women with broad shoulders, receding hairlines, narrow hips, all sorts of features that made me reconsider what femininity actually looks like. While I still experience dysphoria, I have learned to appreciate all the things that make me a woman and to sit firmly in gratitude that I get to be her.
Monika: Writing Transition, did you feel more like a historian, a confessor, or a woman finally exhaling?
Alicia: All three. I am a storyteller. In telling a story, you hope to convey a sense of history, that your life emerges from a particular time and place and carries the reader with you. There is also the confessional aspect, the revelation of who you are, the good, the bad, the deeply human parts, so others may recognize pieces of themselves in your journey.
And then there is that breath, that exhale. I have arrived. I am here. I am seen. Sometimes it is messy, sometimes it is glorious, but it is always fully me.
Monika: Joy shows up in your story, but it is never sugar-coated. What does joy look like for you now, on an ordinary day?
Alicia: Every day, all day and night, I get to be fully myself. There is an awareness of how long it took me to get here, but I am not focused on what I missed. I am focused on the fact that I now get to live wholly. I believe the world can see that joy, and I have the opportunity each day to help change the negative narrative about who we are as a people.
Monika: What are your thoughts on the current situation for transgender women in your country?
Alicia: I do not think we are anywhere close to understanding how deeply the negativity, misinformation, and harmful legislation have affected the psyche of our trans and non-binary community. It is relentless. I have been in therapy on and off for over 40 years, and I recently began again because I could feel myself becoming immobilized. When isolation sets in, hopelessness often follows.
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| "Every day, all day and night, I get to be fully myself." |
Monika: For other trans women coming out later in life, what do you want them to know about time, regret, and permission?
Alicia: The first thing I would say is that it takes a village. Do not be afraid to rely on others or ask for help. Seek out LGBTQ+ centers and supportive groups that can guide you toward affirming people and resources. There is so much available, locally, nationally, and globally, and it is vital to connect with those spaces.
For those transitioning later in life, there will be days when the early euphoria gives way to emotional pain or even regret. That is natural, and sometimes necessary. Early in my transition, I attended a Zoom meeting for trans people and asked if anyone would be willing to be my friend. I knew I could not do it alone. One woman reached out, gave me her number, and when I called her a few days later, we instantly connected. She has been my best friend ever since and has walked with me through nearly everything.
Monika: How do you navigate the practical and emotional aspects of transitioning later in life while maintaining your sense of self?
Alicia: As for time, how you move through your transition is entirely your choice. It helps to have people to check in with and knowledgeable doctors to support you. My endocrinologist, who works with many trans women, started me on estradiol patches because they bypass the liver and reduce the risk of blood clots, which is especially important for older trans women. As my transition has progressed, we have continued to reassess what works and what does not, which has given me confidence that I am moving in a healthy direction.
I also want to address a harmful narrative that exists, particularly in women’s spaces, that trans women are somehow infringing upon or taking something away from women. I believe there is another path. Who we are, in our uniqueness as trans women, should be celebrated. Stand firm in your individuality, your authenticity, your genuineness, your glory. There is enough room for all of us. We contribute to the world of women, we do not take away from it.
Monika: And finally, if you could lie on that hill again and yell one sentence to the stars, what would it be?
Alicia: I am here. I am Alicia. Fully alive. And it is good.
END OF PART 2
All photos: courtesy of Alicia Sainz Arballo.
© 2026 - Monika Kowalska
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