Monika: Turning to your own story, when did you begin living openly as a woman, and how challenging was that journey for you?
Ann-Christine: I came out to myself and to the world when I was 57, five years ago. At first, everyone assumed I was a transvestite, because circumstances only allowed me to live as Ann-Christine periodically. That was a terrible time, partly because I could not live the life I wanted, but mainly because I had no support at all. I was completely on my own. First, I had to confront my own fears, and they disappeared the very moment I came out. Then I had to deal with the fears of others, and that was not easy, to say the least.
Monika: How did the medical and legal aspects of transitioning affect your journey?
Ann-Christine: There were also all the necessary procedures involving therapists, psychiatrists, and so on. I am still in transition and am currently waiting to have my gender legally corrected.
Monika: Many people wonder what “transitioning into a woman” really means. How do you understand that experience?
Ann-Christine: By the way, I am not entirely sure what “transitioning into a woman” actually means. Does it mean becoming “a woman”? And how would that feel? I have asked many so-called “biological” women, but no one has yet been able to answer that question. When I finally decided to live my life the way I wanted, I did not turn into someone or something else. Perhaps to others, but not to my inner self. In the highly recommended TV series “Transparent”, the main character is asked, “Why do you dress like a woman?” The answer is, “I have been dressing up all my life. This is me!”
Ann-Christine: I came out to myself and to the world when I was 57, five years ago. At first, everyone assumed I was a transvestite, because circumstances only allowed me to live as Ann-Christine periodically. That was a terrible time, partly because I could not live the life I wanted, but mainly because I had no support at all. I was completely on my own. First, I had to confront my own fears, and they disappeared the very moment I came out. Then I had to deal with the fears of others, and that was not easy, to say the least.
Monika: How did the medical and legal aspects of transitioning affect your journey?
Ann-Christine: There were also all the necessary procedures involving therapists, psychiatrists, and so on. I am still in transition and am currently waiting to have my gender legally corrected.
Monika: Many people wonder what “transitioning into a woman” really means. How do you understand that experience?
Ann-Christine: By the way, I am not entirely sure what “transitioning into a woman” actually means. Does it mean becoming “a woman”? And how would that feel? I have asked many so-called “biological” women, but no one has yet been able to answer that question. When I finally decided to live my life the way I wanted, I did not turn into someone or something else. Perhaps to others, but not to my inner self. In the highly recommended TV series “Transparent”, the main character is asked, “Why do you dress like a woman?” The answer is, “I have been dressing up all my life. This is me!”
Monika: During that period, did you have any transgender role models to look up to or draw strength from?
Ann-Christine: The simple and honest answer is no.
Ann-Christine: The simple and honest answer is no.
Monika: Looking back on that period, what would you say was the most difficult part of coming out?
Ann-Christine: Facing and dealing with the fear of others. And, of course, telling my three grown-up daughters. They needed their own process as well, it took time, and it was difficult for all of us. Today, I am proud to say that I have a truly good relationship with them and their families. They have fully embraced me as Ann-Christine, and that is a joy beyond words.
Ann-Christine: Facing and dealing with the fear of others. And, of course, telling my three grown-up daughters. They needed their own process as well, it took time, and it was difficult for all of us. Today, I am proud to say that I have a truly good relationship with them and their families. They have fully embraced me as Ann-Christine, and that is a joy beyond words.
Monika: Your daughter Ester Roxberg chose to write about your transition in her book “Min pappa Ann-Christine”, published in 2014. When you first learned about her project, were you surprised that she placed you at the centre of the story?
Ann-Christine: Knowing my daughter, I was not surprised at all. She is a writer, and this became her third novel. The book is not so much about me as it is about her. It tells the story of what happens when someone close, for example, your father, changes, and changes radically.
Monika: When transgender women read your story, or your daughter’s perspective on it, what parts do you think might be most helpful to those who are planning or considering their own transitions?
Ann-Christine: The book is not really my biography, but rather a book about the process experienced by someone close to a trans person. Many trans people have told their own stories of coming out and transitioning. This book is rare because it gives the perspective of a trans woman’s daughter. I do not think anything quite like it had been published before.
Monika: Transgender issues are often presented as part of the broader LGBT movement. As the final letter in that acronym, do you feel the transgender community is truly able to advance its own cause within the larger group?
Ann-Christine: Once, on the Internet, I read a comment by a trans person who wrote, “There is no trans person who would not defend the rights of homosexuals. When will homosexuals stand up for us?” There is, of course, some truth in that statement, and that truth hurts. I do see trans issues appearing more often in the programmes of Pride festivals, for example Stockholm Pride. But the trans community, if there even is one, needs to understand that the struggle for acceptance in all parts of society must largely be fought by ourselves. Yes, with some help from our friends, such as the gay community, but fundamentally it is our own battle.
Ann-Christine: Knowing my daughter, I was not surprised at all. She is a writer, and this became her third novel. The book is not so much about me as it is about her. It tells the story of what happens when someone close, for example, your father, changes, and changes radically.
Monika: When transgender women read your story, or your daughter’s perspective on it, what parts do you think might be most helpful to those who are planning or considering their own transitions?
Ann-Christine: The book is not really my biography, but rather a book about the process experienced by someone close to a trans person. Many trans people have told their own stories of coming out and transitioning. This book is rare because it gives the perspective of a trans woman’s daughter. I do not think anything quite like it had been published before.
Monika: Transgender issues are often presented as part of the broader LGBT movement. As the final letter in that acronym, do you feel the transgender community is truly able to advance its own cause within the larger group?
Ann-Christine: Once, on the Internet, I read a comment by a trans person who wrote, “There is no trans person who would not defend the rights of homosexuals. When will homosexuals stand up for us?” There is, of course, some truth in that statement, and that truth hurts. I do see trans issues appearing more often in the programmes of Pride festivals, for example Stockholm Pride. But the trans community, if there even is one, needs to understand that the struggle for acceptance in all parts of society must largely be fought by ourselves. Yes, with some help from our friends, such as the gay community, but fundamentally it is our own battle.
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| Courtesy of Ann-Christine Roxberg. |
Monika: In gay history, Harvey Milk became a powerful symbol of visibility and political courage. Is there anyone in Swedish trans history whose role could be compared to his impact?
Ann-Christine: No. We do have trans activists, and I do not mind counting myself among them, but we have no one with the political platform and voice that Harvey Milk had. Part of the problem is that it is very difficult to organise trans people. Transvestites and crossdressers often have forums where secrecy is the keyword, and a secret army is not very effective on the battlefield. The majority of transsexual people simply want to get on with their lives. Many do not even want to be reminded of their past. Harvey Milk encouraged gay people to leave the relative safety of San Francisco and go home. “Go home, and tell your families and friends who you are. Because if you do not tell them, you do not exist.” I believe there are many trans people who should do exactly that. Yes, it may cause problems, but as long as we allow our lives to be defined by others, we are not free. We must get rid of the fear that silences us.
Monika: You speak passionately about visibility and responsibility. Are you personally active in politics or lobbying, and do you believe transgender women can truly make a difference in the political sphere?
Ann-Christine: I am not politically active in a formal sense, but I do try to be involved in lobbying campaigns related to LGBT issues in general, and trans issues in particular. I also help organise our local Pride festival. Last year, we gathered 3,000 people in the parade in our city. This year, in 2015, we hope to surpass that number by at least 2,000 more. I certainly believe that trans women can make a difference in politics, sometimes simply by being present and visible.
Monika: Faith, activism, and courage all seem deeply connected in your life. Where does love fit into all of this, and what role does it play for you personally?
Ann-Christine: “How bold one becomes when one is sure of being loved” is a quote often attributed to Sigmund Freud. I know for certain that I would not have been bold enough to come out without the profound conviction that I am loved by God exactly as I am, unconditionally. Last autumn, I found love again, that was when I met Eva. We have been a couple for more than a year and are now engaged. I used to believe that the kind of love sung about in all those radio ballads was unrealistic nonsense, something that existed only on screen or in fiction. I was wrong.
Ann-Christine: “How bold one becomes when one is sure of being loved” is a quote often attributed to Sigmund Freud. I know for certain that I would not have been bold enough to come out without the profound conviction that I am loved by God exactly as I am, unconditionally. Last autumn, I found love again, that was when I met Eva. We have been a couple for more than a year and are now engaged. I used to believe that the kind of love sung about in all those radio ballads was unrealistic nonsense, something that existed only on screen or in fiction. I was wrong.
Monika: As you look ahead, are there any new projects or ideas that currently occupy your heart and mind?
Ann-Christine: I very much want to develop what I would call a trans theology, so I am immersing myself in many different strands of queer theology, both in books and online. A somewhat larger project is to write my own story. My daughter has written hers, with me in it. Perhaps now it is time for me to write mine.
Monika: Finally, if you could speak directly to transgender girls who are struggling with gender dysphoria and self-doubt, what would you most want them to hear?
Ann-Christine: DO NOT GIVE UP! And above all, do not be afraid, not of the people around you, and not of yourself. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU! Please try to accept the woman you ARE, not the commercialised ideal of what MEN think a woman should look like. Women exist in many, many different forms, and your way of being a woman is just as valid as any other. Walk proudly, keep your chin up, look people in the eyes, and be HAPPY that you are a woman, and that you are you!
Monika: Ann-Christine, thank you for the interview!
END OF PART 2
All photos: courtesy of Ann-Christine Roxberg.
© 2014 - Monika Kowalska
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