Monika: When you began your transition, were there any transgender role models you could look to for inspiration or guidance?
Alexandra: I knew nothing. I knew absolutely nothing. I thought I was nuts. I thought for the longest time that I was going to end up like Olivia DeHaviland in “Snake Pit”. Without the glamorous ’50s filter, of course. When I was about 10 or 11 years old I found a magazine in my step Dad’s porno pile, and towards the back, there was an ad for what was called: “She Males” (a term I abhor, to this day). There was a picture of this beautiful blonde woman with her legs spread revealing a penis. I remember staring at it for the longest time, and finally thinking: “Okay. Maybe it’s not just me.” But that was it until I found my tribe at Club Victoria in Chicago in the early ’80s.
Monika: What was the most difficult part of coming out for you?
Alexandra: Well… telling my mother. When I was 16, I told her I was gay. When I was 22, I told her I was transgender. When I was 30, I told her I had AIDS. And then, at 36, I told her I was marrying a woman. By then, any time I said, “Mom! Guess what?” she’d say, “Please. I don’t need any more surprises from you!” She became one of the greatest friends I ever had, right up until the end of her life.
Monika: Do you think it was harder to live as a transgender woman in the 1980s compared to the opportunities and freedoms transgender women have today?
Alexandra: I don’t know if it was harder or not, but it certainly was different. I think it’s always difficult to go through any kind of transition. And you know… we all do it. We all transition in one way or another. We become who we were always meant to be. We start off one way and end up something else. That’s always difficult. I don’t particularly like change. There’s that irony again. Still, I believe every era has its unique challenges and triumphs.
Monika: How do you personally handle change, especially given the many transitions in your life?
Alexandra: But change isn’t something that comes easily for me. I like things to stay the same. I drive the same way to work. I walk the same path to the ocean. I eat dinner at the same time. I like things to have structure. And then… there’s this other part of me that thrives on danger and the unknown. I’m curious by nature, so I love to peek behind curtains. This duality keeps my life interesting and constantly evolving.
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| Promo video (YouTube) |
Monika: Do you feel your experience was more difficult than it might be for transgender people today?
Alexandra: I don’t know, really. I don’t know if it was harder. All I know is that any kind of movement into newness is transformative, not just for the person going through it, but for the world around them as well. And that always shakes things up. It’s never easy. Even if you like it, I wouldn’t describe it as easier here than there.
Monika: Could you share how important love has been in your life, and what forms it has taken?
Alexandra: That, my dear, is everything. Without love, there is only emptiness and wide space. And I want to be clear, I’m not just talking about romantic love, although that’s certainly a plus. I’m talking about the love of anything: a passion, a purpose, a reason for moving through life. Love gives us meaning beyond ourselves, and that’s crucial for survival.
Monika: How have you personally dealt with difficult times when love felt out of reach?
Alexandra: It’s easy for trans people to sit in the darkness of the past or the regret of the future. I understand that, I did that. I tried to bottle it up with drugs, booze, and sex, and believe me, you can only run from yourself for so long. Eventually, you catch up to you. We must find the things that bring us joy so when times come that are filled with emptiness (and they do come), we have something to lean against, to rest and take comfort in. Love is everything. Love is all.
Monika: Many transgender women write memoirs about their journeys. Have you ever considered writing a book like that yourself?
Alexandra: I actually wrote one about ten years ago, but no one seemed very interested. I even met with a publisher who looked me straight in the eye and said, “Unfortunately, no one knows who you are. Why would anyone buy this?” I thought, “Well, good point.” So I stopped. It was discouraging, but it also made me reconsider what story I really want to tell.
Monika: What has inspired you to try writing again now?
Alexandra: I’ve been going through another transition… never fear, I’m not going back to Scott, that would roll my mother into Shakespeare’s grave… this is a spiritual transition, and so I’m trying again. I’ve kept a personal blog for the last decade and have learned to write essays quickly and succinctly, so this new book is taking shape as a collection of those essays. It feels more authentic to who I am today.
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| Photo taken at CSU campus in Fresno, teaching with The Steppenwolf Theater during the summer intensive, 2010. |
Monika: What themes or experiences do you explore in your essays?
Alexandra: Most of the essays highlight my strange and extraordinary life over the last half-century. So we’ll see. I’m no more well-known than I was ten years ago, but because I’m older now, I care less. Someone will either publish it, or they won’t, and it’ll sit and wait until it’s time. The writing of it is very therapeutic.
Monika: Looking back, you had the intelligence, talent, and beauty (which you still have!) to become a successful Hollywood actress. Do you ever feel that you missed out on that path?
Alexandra: Beauty? Really? Can you follow me around my house every morning and say that to me? That’d be great. I’ll tell you the honest truth: I never wanted to be famous. I grew up being bullied and ridiculed to such a degree that when people stare at me or look in my direction, I have to go into a deep breathing exercise. To this day, the first thing that passes through me is: “They’re making fun of me. They’re laughing at me.” You know, I’ve never said that out loud before. Seriously. This is the first time.
Monika: That’s such a powerful admission. Was your lack of interest in fame the reason you didn’t pursue more high-profile opportunities in Hollywood?
Alexandra: So… I never really tried very hard. My manager said to me when I first got to Hollywood that I needed to go to more parties, meet more people, get myself out there more. It just didn’t interest me. I love creating. I love art. I am passionate about sharing my voice and honored to be in the room when others do the same. I am an eternal student, and that’s what keeps me going. Along with this paranoia, is just this...
Monika: So what truly motivates you at this stage in your life and career?
Alexandra: I’m not interested in being noticed just to be noticed. I am interested in being led by people who give their gifts, and wherever it is they go, I’ll follow them. If that happens to be on stage or in front of a camera, I’ll do my best to show up and learn. Right now, the classroom is calling me. My students teach me more about living than any other group of people I’ve been with. Hollywood is funny. You have to produce yourself into a commodity, and yet, people keep begging you to be true to who you are. That game is exhausting, and I don’t really understand it. So, who knows? I have no idea what’s next, and that’s actually fine.
Monika: That sounds beautifully grounded. Are you currently pouring your energy into any new creative projects?
Alexandra: I am. I hope this doesn’t sound all Greta Garbo-y, but I’d like them to remain secretive for now. They’re mine for a while, and I just need them to be in my spirit instead of in print. I hope that’s okay. Do I sound mysterious? God, I hope so.
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| The Trevor Project (YouTube) |
Monika: A dear pen friend of mine, Gina Grahame, once told me that we should never limit our potential based on how we were born or by comparing ourselves to what other transgender people have done. “Our dreams,” she said, “shouldn’t end on the operating table, that’s where they begin.” Does that resonate with you?
Alexandra: Oh… that’s gorgeous. I love it. I’d like a T-shirt with that on it, right underneath a fabulous picture of Ann-Margret. I would add that I believe our dreams begin the day we arrive. Certainly, the end of what we dream doesn’t occur until the last chapter is written, but as far as dreaming goes, that was given to us by something much greater and much more powerful than anything we could imagine. Our dreams are not up to us. They are not lists of things to get done. They are gifts we are required to fulfill. The problem is, most of us walk around the planet trying to remember them, or think them up, or write them down. Dreams don’t work that way. They are within the very being we inhabit, and so all we really need to do is release them. Let them out. Allow them to manifest in the way they need to.
Monika: That’s beautifully said. So in the end, what is the real purpose of dreaming?
Alexandra: It’s not about the end result, or the ability to make them come true, it’s about giving the gift of hope to another human being. If we do that, if someone in front of us receives even the hope of a dream, and as long as it’s authentic, we change the world. One spirit at a time, we change each other. That is the greatest dream, and that is not only our responsibility, it is the thing we were all born to do, from the start. Remember this: the operating table would not have happened at all, had the dream not existed to begin with. We dream not because we have to, we dream because we’re supposed to.
Monika: Alexandra, thank you so much for sharing your insights with me today.
Alexandra: You are super-duper welcome, my friend. Thank you for asking me. Great thanks and many blessings, Alex.
Main photo credits to Jennifer Girardi.
END OF PART 2
All the photos: courtesy of Alexandra Billings.
© 2014 - Monika Kowalska
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