Interview with Alexandra Billings - Part 2

Monika: At that time of your transition did you have any transgender role models that you could follow? What was your knowledge about transgenderism?

Alexandra: I knew nothing. I knew absolutely nothing. I thought I was nuts. I thought for the longest time that I was going to end up like Olivia DeHaviland in “Snake Pit”. Without the glamorous 50’s filter of course.

When I was about 10 or 11 years old I found a magazine in my step Dad’s porno pile, and towards the back, there was an ad for what was called: “She Males” (a term I abhor, to this day). There was a picture of this beautiful blonde woman with her legs spread revealing a penis. I remember staring at it for the longest time, and finally thinking: “Okay. Maybe it’s not just me.” But that was it until I found my tribe at Club Victoria in Chicago in the early ’80s.

Monika: What was the hardest thing about your coming out?

Alexandra: Well… telling my mother. When I was 16 I told her I was gay. When I was 22, I told her I was Transgender. When I was 30, I told her I had AIDS. And then, I was 36, I told her I was marrying a woman. By then, any time I said: “Mom! Guess what?” She’d say: “Please. I don’t need any more surprises from YOU!” She became one of the greatest friends I ever had, right up until the end of her life.

Monika: Was it harder to be a transgender lady in the 80s compared to what transgender women can do these days?

Alexandra: I don’t know if it was harder or not, but it certainly was different. I think it’s always difficult to go through any kind of transition. And you know…. we all do it. We all transition in one way or another. We become who we were always meant to be. We start off one way and end up something else. That’s always difficult. I don’t particularly like change. There’s that irony again.

But change isn’t something that comes easily for me. I like things to stay the same. I drive the same way to work. I walk the same path to the ocean. I eat dinner at the same time. I like things to have structure And then…. there’s this other part of me that thrives on danger and the unknown. I’m curious by nature so I love to peek behind curtains.

Monika: Was it harder?

Alexandra: I don’t know, really. I don’t know if it was harder. All I know is that any kind of movement into a newness is transformative not just for the person going through it but for the world around them as well. And that always shakes things up. It’s never easy. Even if you like it, I wouldn’t describe it as easier here than there.

Monika: Could you tell me about the importance of love in your life?

Alexandra: That, my dear, is everything. Without love, there is only emptiness and wide space. And I want to be clear, I’m not talking about romantic love, although that’s certainly a plus. I’m talking about the love of anything. A passion. A reason for moving through life. It’s easy for Trans people to sit in the darkness of the past, or the regret of the future. I understand that. I did that. I tried to bottle it up with drugs and booze and sex, and believe me, you can only run from yourself for so long. Eventually, you catch up to You.

We must find the things that bring us joy so when the times come that are filled with emptiness (and they do come), we have something to lie against. To rest. To take comfort in. Love is everything. Love is all.

Photo taken at CSU campus in Fresno,
teaching with The Steppenwolf Theater
during the summer intensive, 2010.

Monika: Many transgender ladies write their memoirs. Have you ever thought about writing such a book yourself?

Alexandra: I wrote one about 10 years ago and no one really seemed to care much. There was a publisher I took a meeting with, and he looked me directly in the eye and said: “Unfortunately, no one knows who you are. Why would anyone buy this?” I thought: “Well. Good point.” So I stopped.

However, I’ve been going through another transition…. never fear, I’m not going back to Scott, that would roll my mother into Shakespeare’s grave…. this is a spiritual transition, and so I’m trying again. I kept a personal blog for the last decade and I’ve learned to write essays very quickly and succinctly, so this is what this new book is.

Monika: What do your essays focus on?
Alexandra: More essays highlight my strange and extraordinary life in the last half a century. So we’ll see. I’m no more well-known than I was 10 years ago, but because I’m older now, I care less. Someone will either publish it, or they won’t and it’ll sit and wait until it’s time. The writing of it is very therapeutic.

Monika: In retrospect, you had the intelligence, talent, and looks (still have!) to become a great Hollywood actress. Do you regret anything? Could you achieve more in this respect? 

Alexandra: Looks? Really? Can you follow me around my house every morning and say that to me? That’d be great.

I’ll tell you the honest truth: I never wanted to be famous. I grew up being bullied and ridiculed to such a degree that when people stare at me or look in my direction I have to go into a deep breathing exercise. To this day the first thing that passes through me is: “They’re making fun of me. They’re laughing at me.”

You know. I’ve never said that out loud before. Seriously. This is the first time.
So…I never really tried very hard. My manager said to me when I first got to Hollywood that I needed to go to more parties, meet more people, get myself out there more. It just didn’t interest me. I love creating. I love art. I am passionate about sharing my voice and honored to be in the room when others do the same. I am an eternal student and that’s what keeps me going. Along with this paranoia, is just this...

Monika: So what is your main driver?
Alexandra: I’m not interested in being noticed just to be noticed. I am interested in being led by people who give their gifts and wherever it is they go, I’ll follow them. If that happens to be on stage or in front of a camera, I’ll do my best to show up and learn. Right now, the classroom is calling me. My students teach me more about living than any other group of people I’ve been with.
Hollywood is funny. You have to produce yourself into a commodity, and yet, people keep begging you to be true to who you are. That game is exhausting and I don’t really understand it. So, who knows? I have no idea what’s next and that’s actually fine.

Monika: Are you working on any new projects now?

Alexandra: I am. I hope this doesn’t sound all Greta Garbo-y, but I’d like them to remain secretive for now. They’re mine for a while and I just need them to be in my spirit instead of in print. I hope that’s okay. Do I sound mysterious? God, I hope so.

Monika: My pen friend Gina Grahame wrote to me once that we should not limit our potential because of how we were born or by what we see other transsexuals and transgender people doing. Our dreams should not end on an operating table; that’s where they begin. Do you agree with this?

Alexandra: Oh…that’s gorgeous. I love it. I’d like a t-shirt with that on it. Right underneath a fabulous picture of Ann-Margeret.

I would add that I believe our dreams begin the day we arrive. Certainly, the end of what we dream doesn’t occur until the last chapter is written, but as far as dreaming goes, that was given to us by something much greater and much more powerful than anything we could imagine.

Our dreams are not up to us. They are not Lists of Things to Get Done. They are gifts we are required to fulfill. The problem is, most of us walk around the planet trying to remember them, or think them up, or write them down. Dreams don’t work that way. They are within the very being we inhabit, and so all we really need to do is release them. Let them out. Allow them to manifest in the way they need to.

Monika: So what is it about?
Alexandra: It’s not about the end result, the ability to make them come true, it’s about giving the gift of Hope to another human being. If we do that, the hope of a dream if someone in front of us receives that, and as long as it’s authentic, we change the world. One spirit at a time, we change each other. That is the greatest dream, and that is not only our responsibility, it is the thing we were all born to do. From the start.
Remember this: The operating table would not have happened at all, had the dream not existed, to begin with.
We dream not because we have to, we dream because we’re supposed to.

Monika: Alexandra, thank you for the interview!

Alexandra: You are super duper welcome my friend. Thank you for asking me. Great thanks and many blessings, Alex.

Main photo credits to Jennifer Girardi.

END OF PART 2

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All the photos: courtesy of Alexandra Billings.

© 2014 - Monika Kowalska

Some documentaries with Alexandra Billings: