Monika: How do you feel about the way transgender people are represented in books, films, and the media?
Debbie: There are so many really wonderful books on Amazon for Kindle. I personally have a collection of roughly 200 transgender stories, both fiction and non-fiction. Most will never make the bestseller list, even though they are often wonderful love stories and beautiful romances. Reading them has given me comfort and a sense of belonging.
Monika: What is your impression of how the press handles transgender stories?
Debbie: The press coverage is often too sensational. Jazz Jennings is probably the best representative. She is a truly transgender girl who, like so many of us, knew she was a girl almost as soon as she could talk. She is seen as a real girl, and since she never shows her genitalia, you wouldn’t know she wasn’t a girl if she weren’t so open about it. Her honesty has helped many people understand what it really means to be transgender.
Monika: How did you view the way Caitlyn Jenner’s transition was portrayed?
Debbie: When Caitlyn Jenner transitioned, it was joked about and hinted at, and during her Diane Sawyer interview, she tried to remain male in appearance as best she could. When she finally did the Vanity Fair photo spread, she was beautiful, especially for a 65-year-old woman. However, people again treated it as a joke. Her story showed both the progress and the limitations of how society views us.
Monika: What do you think about the way tragedies involving transgender people are reported?
Debbie: Meanwhile, two dozen transgender girls have walked in front of trucks, and one recently took some deadly seeds. Even in death, their parents reject their transgender status and claim they tried to get “help” from therapists who tried to convince them that being transgender was an illusion. These stories break my heart, but they also remind me why visibility and understanding are so important.
Monika: How did these experiences influence your own writing?
Debbie: When Mike Huckabee announced that he wished he could tell the coach he was transgender so he could shower with the girls, I pointed out what it was really like to be transgender. This was the point at which I decided to rush the release of “Living in Stealth: Undercover,” which covered only the period up to the first marriage, rather than the entire story. The next book, “Living in Stealth: The Iron Mask,” will discuss the struggles of living a dual life, where some know and accept, some know and reject, and others must be kept from ever knowing. Writing these books has been my way of lifting that heavy mask and showing others the truth of our lives.
Monika: Do you see yourself engaging in political activism, and in your opinion, can transgender women truly make a difference in politics?
Debbie: I don’t politically lobby directly, but I advocate openly on Facebook groups, and I contribute to a number of political groups that support transgender rights. Social media has given me a platform to speak out and connect with others in ways that traditional lobbying never could.
Monika: What issues do you find most urgent when it comes to protecting transgender rights?
Debbie: I have made it a point to focus on the constitutional rights of transgender women. The GOP bathroom bills and other measures to violate privacy go against the 4th Amendment (privacy), 5th Amendment (due process), 8th Amendment (cruel and unusual punishment), and 14th Amendment (protection of these rights from states and organizations). It is deeply troubling to watch laws being used as tools of exclusion instead of protection.
Monika: How do you respond to those who use religion as a justification for discrimination?
Debbie: Many in the GOP claim that the 1st Amendment, which guarantees freedom of religion and speech, gives fundamentalist Christians the right not only to violate the rights of transgender and gay people, especially transgender women and gay men, but also to instigate hate crimes and encourage suicide and cruel treatment. Mind you, I have strong personal faith, having been the product of numerous miracles that have made it possible for me to share my story today. I have a strong belief in a higher power, whom I call God, and I not only believe in Jesus as his son but also in his actual teachings. My faith has given me strength and resilience in times when politics seemed determined to erase me.
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| Courtesy of Debbie Ballard. |
Monika: How would you describe your sense of fashion, and what kinds of outfits do you usually feel most comfortable wearing?
Debbie: I’m a big fan of Gwinnie-Bee. I am a plus-size woman, and I try to dress appropriately for my size (20), age (60), profession (executive), and situation (work, church, shopping). I don’t do much clubbing at my age, and even going through Penn Station several times a week, I blend in as just another woman. Over time, I’ve come to see fashion as a way of showing respect for myself and for those around me.
Monika: Looking back, did your fashion choices change a lot over the years?
Debbie: There was a time when I dressed too “tarty”, a transgender “teen angst” period. My skirts were too short, my blouses too tight, my makeup too heavy, and my heels too high. I could stop traffic on 7th Avenue in New York City, but only because men thought I was available for hire. It taught me the hard way that clothes can send a message you may not intend.
Monika: What helped you develop a style that feels right for you today?
Debbie: After a makeover similar to “What Not to Wear” with my partner and spouse Lee, I learned to dress nicer than about half the women, and not as nice as the other half. This way I get a smile and a glance, and then people move on to the next girl. I like dresses with jackets most of the time, since they make me feel polished yet comfortable. I’ve realized that fashion is less about trends and more about balance and confidence.
Monika: How do you feel about transgender beauty pageants, especially since some activists criticize them for promoting an obsession with youth and physical appearance?
Debbie: The main issue I have with such a focus on appearance is that too many transgender women struggle with trying to be the prettiest girl in the room. Regardless of circumstances, it’s important for transgender girls to see what nature and HRT can do before resorting to plastic surgery on the face or breasts. It took me about two years to stop seeing a “man” in the mirror, even though nobody else saw one at all. These days, I can’t see the man anymore, and this is thanks to HRT, laser hair removal, and very light makeup.
Monika: How important has love been in your life and what challenges did you face in finding it?
Debbie: Love was always a struggle for me until I came out. It was very hard to believe that anybody would even like me, let alone love me, if they knew who I really was. I had male and female lovers and close friends of both genders. They wanted me at first, but sooner or later, they would realize that I wasn’t the man they were expecting. For some girls, just reaching into my pants and feeling the “teeny weeny peeny” was enough to throw cold water on their interest. If I depended on what was between my legs to please a woman, we would both be disappointed. Looking back, I realize that I was always searching for something deeper than physical attraction.
Monika: How did your experience of love change once you began your transition?
Debbie: Once I came out and started to transition, different people came out of the woodwork to offer friendship, support, and even love. Several bisexual women introduced themselves to me, and we had wonderful relationships. Unfortunately, one left me for another man, another just wanted a long-distance relationship while I wanted more. Transitioning gave me the confidence to believe that love was truly possible for me.
Monika: Can you tell me the story of how you met Lee?
Debbie: When I put pictures of both Debbie and Rex (my male name) on Match.com, about one in a hundred women expressed genuine interest. Several of them were quite serious. Eventually, I met Lee, who sent me a message saying, “Dude, you’re wearing a dress, what’s that about?” I sent back a rather detailed letter explaining that I was transgender, had wanted to be like other girls since I was a kid, but didn’t know if I could transition. Two weeks of phone calls later, we had our first date. Two years later, we were married. Meeting Lee showed me that honesty and openness could lead to lasting love.
Monika: What does Lee mean to you today?
Debbie: Lee is still a very important part of my life. She fully supports me in my transition, and we are a happy lesbian couple. We sing in the church choir together, we date frequently, and we enjoy lots of love and romance with each other. Every day with her is a reminder that true love embraces the whole person.
Monika: Are you working on any new projects right now?
Debbie: I still actively advocate online. I still support transgender-friendly groups, and I’m still politically active. I am also active in the True Selves transgender support group. I am working on three books. Living in Stealth: Iron Mask, which I described above, and Living in Stealth: Transformations, which discusses transition. I will probably merge the first and second transitions more closely, as I should have done in real life.
Monika: What would you recommend to transgender girls who are struggling with gender dysphoria?
Debbie: The most important thing is to talk to somebody. Talk to your doctor, the school social worker, a teacher, the parents of a friend, or your own parents. It is now unethical for a social worker or therapist to try to get you to deny being transgender if you are. If necessary, talk with a dozen people about it. Be true to yourself. You may lose much, but you will gain so much more. In my own books I share the pain that led to my suicide attempts. Do not follow that path. It is better to be rejected by a dozen people and find one who will accept you than to hide who you really are and never give anyone a chance to know you.
Monika: Debbie, thank you for the interview!
END OF PART 2
All photos: courtesy of Debbie Ballard.
© 2016 - Monika Kowalska
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