Monika: What do you think in general about transgender news stories or characters which have been featured in films, newspapers, or books so far?
Debbie: There are so many really wonderful books on Amazon for Kindle, I personally have a collection of roughly 200 such transgender stories, both fiction and non-fiction. Most will never make the bestseller list, even though they are often wonderful love stories and wonderful romances.
The press coverage is often too sensational. Jazz Jennings is probably the best representative. She is a truly transgender girl who, like so many of us, knew she was a girl almost as soon as she could talk. She is seen as a real girl, and since she never shows her genitalia, you wouldn’t know she wasn’t a girl if she weren’t so open about it.
When Caitlin Jenner transitioned, it was joked about, hinted at, and during his Diane Sawyer interview, he tried to remain male in appearance as best he could. When she finally did the Vanity Fair photo spread, she was beautiful, especially for a 65-year-old woman. However, people again treated it as a joke.
Meanwhile, two dozen transgender girls have walked in front of trucks, one recently took some deadly seeds. Even in death, their parents reject their transgender status and claim they tried to get “help” from therapists who tried to convince them that being transgender was an illusion.
When Mike Huckabee announced that he wished he could tell the coach he was transgendered so he could shower with the girls, I pointed out what it was REALLY like to be transgender. This was the point at which I decided to rush the release of “Living in Stealth: Undercover” that covered only the period up to the first marriage, rather than the entire story.
The next story “Living in Stealth: The Iron Mask” will discuss the struggles of living the dual life, where some know and accept, some know and reject, and others must be kept from ever knowing. The effort required to maintain the emotional “Armor” against those who either have rejected or will reject us.
Monika: Do you participate in any lobbying campaigns? Do you think transgender women can make a difference in politics?
Debbie: I don’t politically lobby directly, but I advocate openly on Facebook groups, and I contribute to a number of political groups that support transgender rights.
I have made it a point to focus on the constitutional rights of transgender women. The GOP Bathroom bills and other measures to violate privacy violate the 4th Amendment (Privacy), 5th Amendment (Due Process), 8th Amendment (Cruel and Unusual Punishment), and 14th Amendment (Protection of these rights from states and organizations).
Many in the GOP are claiming that the 1st Amendment (Freedom of Religion, Freedom of Speech) give fundamentalist Christians the right to not only violate the rights of transgender and gay men and women, especially transgender women and gay men but also gives them the right to openly instigate hate crimes and to encourage the suicide and cruel and unusual punishment of transgender women and gay men.
Mind you, I have strong personal faith, having been the product of numerous miracles that have made it possible to share this way today. I have a strong faith in a higher power, which I call God, and I not only believe in Jesus as his son but also in his actual teachings.
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| Courtesy of Debbie Ballard. |
Monika: Do you like fashion? What kind of outfits do you usually wear? Any special fashion designs, colors, or trends?
Debbie: I’m a big fan of Gwinnie-Bee. I am a plus-size woman, and try to dress appropriately to my size (20), age (60), profession (executive), and situation (work, church, shopping…). I don’t do much clubbing at my age. Even going through Penn station several times a week, I only appear as another woman.
There was a time when I dressed too “tarty”, a transgender “teen angst” period. My skirts were too short, my blouses too tight, my makeup too much, and my heels too high. I could stop traffic on 7th Avenue in New York City, but only because men thought I was available for hire.
After a make-over similar to “What Not to Wear” with my partner and spouse – Lee, I have learned to dress nicer than about half the women, and not as nice as the other half. This way I get a smile and a glance, then on to the next girl. I like dresses with jackets most of the time.
Monika: What do you think about transgender beauty pageants? Some activists criticize their values, pointing out that they lead to the obsession with youth and beauty.
Debbie: The main issue I have with such focus on appearance is that there are too many transgender women who struggle with trying to be the prettiest girl in the room. Regardless of nature, it’s important for transgender girls to see what nature and HRT will do before resorting to plastic surgery on the face or breasts. It took me about 2 years to stop seeing a “man” in the mirror. Nobody else saw a man at all. These days, I can’t see the man at all. This is all because of HRT, laser hair removal, and very light make-up.
Monika: Could you tell me about the importance of love in your life?
Debbie: Love was always a struggle for me until I came out. It was very hard to believe anybody would even like me let alone love me if they knew who I really was. I had male and female lovers and male and female close friends. They wanted me at first, but sooner or later, they would realize that I wasn’t the man they were expecting. For some girls, just reaching into my pants and feeling the “teeny weeny peeny” was enough to throw cold water on their interest. If I depended on what was between my legs to please a woman, we would both be disappointed.
Once I came out and started to transition, different people came out of the woodwork to offer friendship, support, and even love. Several bisexual women introduced themselves to me, and we had wonderful relationships. Unfortunately, one left me for another man, another just wanted a long-distance relationship and I wanted more.
When I put pictures of both Debbie and Rex (my male name) on Match.com, about 1 in 100 women expressed a genuine interest. Several of them were quite serious. Eventually, I met Lee, who sent me a message saying “Dude, you’re wearing a dress, what’s that about”. I sent back a rather detailed letter explaining that I was transgender, had wanted to be like other girls since I was a kid, but didn’t know if I could transition. Two weeks of phone calls later, we had our first date. Two years later, we were married.
Lee is still a very important part of my life. She fully supports me in my transition, and we are a happy lesbian couple. We sing in the church choir together, we date frequently, and we enjoy lots of love and romance with each other.
Monika: Are you working on any new projects now?
Debbie: I still actively advocate online. I still supporting transgender friendly groups, and I’m still politically active. I am also active in the “True Selves” transgender support group.
I am working on three books. “Living in Stealth: Iron Mask” which I described above. The third book “Living in Stealth: Transformations” discusses transition, though I will probably merge the first and second transition more closely, as I should have done in real life.
Monika: What would you recommend to all transgender girls struggling with gender dysphoria?
Debbie: The most important thing is to talk to somebody! Talk to your doctor, the school social worker, a teacher, the parents of a friend, your own parents. It is now unethical for a social worker or therapist to try and get you to deny being transgender if you are. If necessary, talk with a dozen people about it. Be true to yourself. You may lose much, but you will gain so much more.
In my own books, I share the pain that led to my own suicide attempts. Do not follow that path. Better to be rejected by a dozen people and find one who will accept you than to try and hide who you really are and never give anyone a chance to know who you really are.
Monika: Debbie, thank you for the interview!
All the photos: courtesy of Debbie Ballard.
© 2016 - Monika Kowalska
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